Dealing with Difficult People Dr. Scott Pelok University of Michigan User Group University 11/6/2015
Download ReportTranscript Dealing with Difficult People Dr. Scott Pelok University of Michigan User Group University 11/6/2015
Dealing with Difficult People Dr. Scott Pelok University of Michigan User Group University 11/6/2015 Difficult People We all have folks in our lives that make things more difficult that they need to be to work, play and enjoy ourselves. Whether it is at our workplace (a dental office) or in our hobbies and fun times (User Groups) we can related to the list of folks who seem to delight in making our life miserable. It is with an understanding of the drive behind these folks we are better able to deal with them. 11/6/2015 Difficult People Hostile- Aggressive Constant Complainers Silent and Unresponsive Super-Agreeable Negative People Know-it-alls Indecisive Stallers 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Snipers Exploders 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Tanks always come out charging Not always physically, but their whole demeanor expresses “ATTACK” Arbitrary and Arrogant Consider others to be inferior to them Leaves people feeling confused, helpless, frustrated. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Tanks have a strong need to prove to themselves and the world that they are right. Tasks are clear and concrete to them. Ways to perform tasks are simple and straightforward. They get impatient with anyone who disagrees. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks They usually achieve their short term goals, but at the expensive of relationships with co-workers and friends. They seem incapable to receive or accept feedback about their impact on others. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Coping Stand up for yourself Give them time to run down Just get in there Get their attention Get them to sit down Speak from your point of view Avoid a head-on Be ready to be friendly 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Stand up for yourself When they say:”No.no that won’t work at all”. Respond with;” Now wait a minute. I am not sure you heard what I said…: Describe your position in a non-hostile manner. Failure to stand up will reinforce the behavior of rolling over you. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Stand up for yourself When they say:”No.no that won’t work at all”. Respond with;” Now wait a minute. I am not sure you heard what I said…: Describe your position in a non-hostile manner. Failure to stand up will reinforce the behavior of rolling over you. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Give them time to run down. Usually their outburst are meant to intimidate and “push you back” Stand you ground without responding and give them time to run out of steam. When they start to lose momentum, be ready to jump into the situation. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Get their attention, CAREFULLY! They are expecting you to shy away from them of not to resist. Call them by name (not a name). “BOB”, “Ms. Winston!” and with authority. Drop a book or a pencil, but do NOT throw it. You are attempting to break their tirade. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Get them to sit down. “Look if we are going to argue, at least get comfortable.” Only sit when they sit. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Speak from your point of view. “I disagree with you” “I see things differently” Don’t threaten, simply state your point of view. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Avoid a Head-On You may lose the battle: If you become to aggressive in response, they may escalate their behavior. They are very skill at this type of fighting, you are probably an amateur. …OR worst: lose the war If they are your boss, the consequences are obvious. If someone else, you may instill the same feelings toward you the tank did to you. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks Be ready to be friendly Surprisingly, when you do stand up to the “bully”, the tank will see you as one worthy of their respect and someone who is strong. This can be quite disconcerting is you are not ready for it and may interfere with a productive and valuable future relationship. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper Snipers maintain a cover from behind which that can take pot shots at you. Innuendoes, sotto voce remarks, not-too-subtle digs, non-playful teasing, etc. They act friendly and non-threatening and leave you feeling “pinned down”. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper When we witness this behavior we often wish the victim would respond and lash out against the assailant. But the sniper has learned to use our own social constraints to create a protective place from which to strike out their prey. It is the very success in reducing others to inaction that reinforces the sniper to act as they do. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper Understanding a sniper They have a very strong sense of what they think is right and how something should be done. They think that they have a “superior “view” of a situation and feel distain for others with differing beliefs. Their expectation may be unrealistic and elicit further attacks when not answered. They feel a need to be in control of a situation. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper Coping Surface the attack Provide an alternative to a direct contest Seek group Confirmation or Denial of Attack Deal with Problems 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper Surface the attack If you are the victim of an attack, don’t ignore it. Confront it! Smoke them out! “That sounded like a dig. Did you mean it that way?” “Do I understand that you don’t like what I am saying?” Sounds like you are ridiculing me. Are you?” 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper Provide an alternative to a direct contest. You notice the above are all questions. Not assertions. The sniper will usually deny any such attack was intend “What, who me?. No I agree with everything you are saying.” They are less like to snipe in the future. Without cover, sniping is not possible. If however, they then tell you where you are going wrong, be ready to assess the claims 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper Seek group confirmation or denial of the criticism If the sniper states :”This is the worst idea I every heard”. You ask the group;’ Does anyone else see it this way?” If there is confirmation, be ready to look for the problems and deal with them. If the criticism is not supported, “I guess there is a difference of opinion, could you be more specific?” 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper Deal with the problems Prevention Regular meetings where people are comfortable to express ideas will lessen tension. If people feel they can speak and be heard they are less likely to take pot shots. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder The classic adult tantrum Barely under control Escalation of fury to the point that objects and blows may be thrown. Can erupt during conversations that start out friendly and reasonable. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder Almost always an automatic response to a situation which the person feels both thwarted and psychologically threatened. The words or actions that elicit this response may be subtle, unintended or only partially intended. The victim of the tantrum is often unaware of having said anything wrong and is likely to feel surprised and bewildered by the abrupt change in the situation. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder Why does this work? It is a learned response from childhood. An exploder has found that a good tantrum will reduce a well-functioning adult to silence, passivity, or tantrums of their own. 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder Coping Give them time to run down Show your serious intentions Interrupt the Interaction 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder Give them time to run down. Just like the Sherman tanks, exploders will eventually run out of steam. Be ready to jump in. If no pause occurs, however, be ready to stop them verbally. “STOP! STOP!” “”WAIT A MINUTE!” 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder Show your serious intentions “I can see that is this is very important to you and I want to discuss it with you. But no in this way” Loudly! 11/6/2015 Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder Interrupt the Interaction “I’ll be right back” You are buying time to let them cool off and compose themselves. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Find fault with everything. The disguised message is that someone (usually you) should be doing something about a situation. Complainers usually sit down when starting a conversation. They figure they are going to stay for a while. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Do not confuse with problem solvers that have a genuine complaint. The are normally looking for solutions to concrete problems. Complainers by contrast will start on one topic and roll right into many more, seemingly endlessly. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers One of the problems with separating problem solvers from complainers is there is usually some substance to both sets of complaints. Complainers can easily turn the tables on their victims and make them defensive. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Two types The complete complainer -Everything is presented to you since, you obviously (to their way of thinking) are at fault. The Triangular complainer. This person complains to you ABOUT someone else and expects you to remedy the situation. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Understanding the problem: They do not think they are whining, the honestly think they are addressing a problem that you need to address “I’ve brought this to your attention, told you it is not the way it should be. I have done all I can do. Now it is up to you!” 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Three factors make up the complainers world: They are powerless: To make changes to the situation They are prescriptive: They obviously know what is best They are perfect: They are obviously blameless, innocent and morally perfect in order to pass judgment as they do. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers They point out real problems but do it in a way to elicit placating or defensive responses from others. Their frustration at the lack of constructive problem solving is genuine but self-defeating since it leads to more complaining. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Complaining can be understood as the only kind of active behavior that seems possible to those who feel powerless to determine their own fate. The believe that the causes of what happens to them is attributable to benevolent or malevolent others. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Complainers have a strong sense of how others ought to behave: They feel anger when others do not conform. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Complaining is self-validating since it provides a solid basis for complainers to confirm their own lack of responsibility for anything that is not done well. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Coping Listen attentively Acknowledge Be prepared to interrupt Use limited responses Don’t agree Avoid the Accusation-Defense-Reaccusation sequence State facts without comment or apology Switch to problem solving Last resort 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Listen attentively Easy to brush off. Common to think: “Stop Whining” Must be done in order to: Allow the complainer to left off steam Lessen their sense of being dismissed and powerless Provides you with information needed for additional coping steps 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Acknowledge Actively let them know you hear them Paraphrase the message End with your best guess about how the complainer feels, “I can see you are pretty frustrated about this.” 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Be prepared to interrupt If you don’t stop the continuous string of complaints, they are likely to repeat themselves. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainer Use limited responses Complainer love words like “never” and “always”. You move toward problem solving if you can pin down specifics. Eliminate the “nevers” and “always”. “You never answer the phone.” “Okay you called on Tuesday and Friday, when else?” 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Don’t agree Acknowledge the problem, don’t agree to it. It confirms your responsible for the existence of this problem. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Avoid the accusation-defensereaccusation sequence. A common approach of the complainer. The initial response from a listener may be interpreted as an accusation, which the complainer quickly turns into a defense, then reverses the tables and reaccuses the listener of the original matter. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers State the facts without comment or apology Let facts stand on their own. Never try to oneupsmanship a complainer. You will never win. Be specific “You never answer my memos!” Let’s see, you last memo was 6/10/02 and here is my response on 6/18/02” 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Switch to problem solving Once acknowledged, work to resolve the issues “When does this occur?” Are there times it is better?” Assign limited tasks “Can you give me exact times and dates” Get it in writing Easier to verify facts and follow up with details 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers Last resort Put it back in their lap. “Where do you want this to go?” Won’t work the first time (usually), but gets them into the problem solving mode to look for constructive suggestions. 11/6/2015 Constant Complainers The Triangular Complainer- Coping “Hove you told… about this?” “May I tell… about this?” “I would be happy to arrange a meeting about this.” 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Noncommittal way to handle painful situations Calculated aggression Evading themselves Won’t or can’t talk when you need conversation from them! 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Coping Techniques Closed ended questions -Wrong “Do you have anything to add?” “Are there an questions or comments?” Open Ended Questions - RIGHT “What is your reaction, so far?” “What do say about that? 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Coping Techniques FSS - Friendly Silent Stare Collecting thoughts Something to do/think while waiting Leverage Don’t Fill in the Space- they are expecting this! 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Comment on the situation “I expected you to say, something and you are not. What does this mean?” Again an open ended questions Recycle “Well, it looks to me like this is what’s happening. I am waiting for a response and you are not saying anything. How do we get out of this bind?” 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Responses “Can I go now?” “Not yet, I still have some things on my mind.” “I don’t know” “Well then please tell me about “X” 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Break the Tension “What’s on your mind?” What are you thinking?” Am I wrong that you are feeling uncomfortable (or irritated, annoyed, angry)? Expect to go either way 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Set time limits Enough time for coping Important issues always last Energize the “clam” to open if time running out. 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive The clam opens up Be attentive Resist the urge to talk as well. They will freeze again. 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Avoid the polite ending Well, thanks, we will try again later. If a subordinate: This is important, we will get back together tomorrow at 3PM… If your boss: This is important, I will call you tomorrow for an appointment. 11/6/2015 Silent and Unresponsive Proceed on your own. If all else fails, proceed as if they agree: Since you have nothing to add, I can assume you agree to this analysis and will comply with these specific points, or alternative consequences…. 11/6/2015 Super-Agreeables Always smiling, always happy, joking and having fun UNTIL YOU NEED ACTION! Form signed Raise in writing Honest discussion 11/6/2015 Super-Agreeables The problem We all need to be accepted, or liked. To do so, they make others feel like and accepted. They become difficult when their needs conflict with reality. They commit to actions on which they cannot or will not follow through. 11/6/2015 Super-Agreeables “I will have that report Monday” “I will be home in fifteen minutes.” “I will get right on it” All promises are made in good faith. They may actually see it that way. Or they are usually hiding “bad news” Short term benefits - Long term problems 11/6/2015 Super-Agreeables Coping Make Honesty Nonthreating “I really want to know what is happening, because I value your friendship.” “I am really glad you liked that report, but every area can use some improvement. Which parts do you think could be better?” 11/6/2015 Super-Agreeables Don’t allow them to make Unrealistic Commitments “I will be home in fifteen minutes. “Well, it took me 45 minutes with traffic this time of day, so I’ll expect you are X+45” 11/6/2015 Super-Agreeables Be ready to compromise They are experts at the Win-Win situation Be ready to give a little so that all parties can walk away feeling good about the situation. 11/6/2015 Negative People “That won’t work” “It’s no use trying” “We tried that last year” “Forget it, they will never let us do it” 11/6/2015 Negative People They are not aware of this underlying loss of faith in the future. They see instead a constant flow of reasons why life's events cannot be dealt with in a positive way. They believe that those in power cannot be trusted or will not act reasonably or consistently. They are angry and full of resentful acceptance of the fates. 11/6/2015 Negative People Negativists are people who, while at times are capable, have a deep seated conviction that any task not in their hands will fail. Their negativism is elicited by others attempts to solve a problem or improve a procedure. Because they believe others in power don’t care or are self-serving, their negative statements are made with conviction. 11/6/2015 Negative People Avoid getting drawn in Negative people can touch that potential for depression in each of us. 11/6/2015 Negative People State Realistic Optimism Use real examples of past successes or use analogy of current work Don’t go for pie in the sky. Set real goals! 11/6/2015 Negative People Don’t Argue It is a waste of time and will only frustrate you. They are firmly convinced they are right. They are sure of what will NOT work, you are not sure of what will. Provide alternatives 11/6/2015 Negative People Don’t rush in: Fast answers to every question may not success and only strengthen their point. Negativists tend to lose substance when discussing problems rather that proposing solutions for them to “shoot-down” 11/6/2015 Negative People Set the Horror limit: “Look, suppose we got that account. Yes, I know Bob thinks we cannot manage it, but what if we got it. What is the worst that can happen?” Define the limits in the discussion and set the context on how negative views are to be interpreted. 11/6/2015 Negative People Use Negativism Constructively Once you have separated the hopelessness and helplessness from the substance of the negative comments, you can listen to their advise as counterweights to the over-optimism of others. 11/6/2015 Negative People Be ready to go it alone They may try to sabotage you or go around you, but more often they will grudgingly offer skeptical help. 11/6/2015 Negative People Review Be alert to the potential for being dragged down into despair Make optimistic but realistic statements about past successes Don’t try to argue away their pessimism Do not offer solutions until the problems are thoroughly discussed. 11/6/2015 Negative People Review When alternative solution is considered, raise the question yourself about negative results before they have a chance. See the negativity as potential problems to overcome Be ready to take action on your own Beware of eliciting negative responses from highly analytic people by asking them to act before they are ready. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls Bulldozers Do indeed know a great deal Balloons Do not know it all. Have to pretend! 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers Highly productive, thorough, accurate thinkers Competent careful plans Carry through even when obstacles are great. Exude feeling of power that they don’t need anyone else 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers They leave others feeling like objects of condescension. While usually right, they leave others feeling inept, confused or stupid. Can elicit resistant, self-defeating behavior from others. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers Leave little room for anyone else’s judgment, creativity or resourcefulness Once they have set a plan in motion, they are almost impossible to stop, even when it looks like a failure. When things go wrong, it is always someone else at fault. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers Bulldozers have in common with nondifficult experts a strong sense that the accumulation and ordering of facts and knowledge can provide stability in a relatively whimsical world. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers They believe that the power to affect their lives resides in them, and therefore tend to see the ideas of others as irrelevant to their own purposes. The “know-it-all” quality that seems appropriate and equated with strength in their early lives has become associated with superiority and certainty of knowledge. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers Coping Present alternative plans without attacking or directly challenging their expertise. Do your homework Listen and acknowledge Question and suggest Don’t challenge 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers Do your homework If you come in unprepared they will mow you down or dismiss you outright as incompetent 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers Listen and acknowledge Bulldozers do know something. You might learn it along the way. Acknowledgement demonstrates your understanding. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers Question and Suggest Don’t confront, but be firm! “Please explain to me why you think this will help?” Don’t say “Okay, hot-shot, how come you can’t see this point?” 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers Alternatives as a detour “ I realize that this is not where we were going, but lets take a minute to see if there are any useful ideas here.” Extension Questions “How would that look in print?” “Where will this project be a year from now?” 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Bulldozers As a last resort, choose to subordinate yourself to avoid static and perhaps build a relationship of equality in the future. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls Balloons: The Phony Know-it-alls An object with thin flexible walls filled with hot air. They speak with great authority about subjects of which they have little or no knowledge. They are not liars, they really believe what they are saying 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Balloons An overwhelming desire to be admired and respected by others drives the balloons. How better to achieve this than to be the “expert” on any topic being discussed. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Balloons Events that reinforce their behavior go like this: I want them to see how brilliant I am. What I am thinking sounds plausible, so its probably true. If it is true, why not say so. Well, nobody is calling me a liar, so I guess it is true. Now I know I am brilliant. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Balloons Balloons seek the admiration and respect of others by acting like expects when they are not They often are only partially aware that they are speaking beyond their knowledge. They are alert and curious about new information. This leads to trouble when sketchy or abbreviated information is asserted as a full and accurate picture of a situation. 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Balloons Coping The key is to establish the facts without quashing the person or making them out to be either a charlatan or a fools.Especially if they are your superior! 11/6/2015 Know-it-alls -Balloons State correct facts or alternative opinions as descriptively as possible and as your own perceptions of reality. Provide a means for the Balloon to save face. Be ready to fill in the conversation gap yourself. Cope with a Balloon when he or she is alone, when possible. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller When you depend on other people to do things for you- sending letters, signing checks/forms, turning in work- nothing is more maddening to find out they have done nothing because they cannot make up their minds about how to proceed. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Stallers have a tendency to put off major decisions until they “go away”. If it where not for the fact you needed them for some thing, let them be as indecisive as they wish. Stallers avoid decision making to a absurd and unproductive limit. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Almost always pleasant and supportive Will nod and agree in a meeting Will ask pertinent questions Will not follow up with any action. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Understanding this behavior: They are usually people that want to be helpful, but to everyone. For every important decision they must make they see there will be potential disappointment or distress to someone else. Want to contribute to the greater welfare of EVERYONE! 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Understanding Want to do what is right and proper, rather than what is expedient. They place such an emphasis on quality and value, they may sit on a plan that does not “measure up”. They cannot bring themselves to do an job “quick and dirty”. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller They apply these heroic standards to their decisions and to you as well. They can become disappointed and angry if you do not seem to care or have the same level of commitment they present to a project. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Their major tactic is to stall everyone long enough that the need for a decision disappears. “Can I do this now?”? “Wait till you father gets home.”… “Dad’s home, now can I do this?” Its too late for that.” 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Procrastination leads to greater toll for all concerned: Alternatives ways are not considered Others loss enthusiasm and commitment Stallers feel high levels of tension as the demands increase upon them and are more likely to defer further. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Experts on indirect communication Instead of candid feedback and criticism, they use hints and vague allusions. In general we accept this, as most times we do not like to hear negative comments on our work or project. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Coping Surface the issues Help them Problem Solve Rank-Order Alternatives Link your plan to Quality and Service Values 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Surface the issues Make it easy for them “Even a good project has some points that are not the best. Can we talk about these?” If you can open the door to talk about the little things the rest will follow. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Surface the issues Pursue sings of indirection “This is a generally a good report” “This is what should be done” Terms like “generally” and “should” are indications they are wavering. What specifically is NOT good in the report? What do we need to get it done? 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Surface the Issues Consider it might be YOU. They don’t think you are experienced enough or can handle the situation, but are not willing to confront you with the information. They are skillful at helping you NOT face reality. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Help them Problem Solve If it’s you: Acknowledge your weakness. They are usually open to requests for help State facts nondefensively: “Did you know that if you did this, you could get that?” Present a plan: If you are willing to sacrifice something without looking hurt, they will usually open up. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Help them Problem Solve If it’s NOT you: Asking Questions to define the problems “Is there a time when this can be done?” “Would it be helpful to have someone sit in on our conversation?” 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Rank-Order Alternatives Limit to no more than two or three. Five would be insurmountable. “Lets look at the options, then pick out the best two to work with” 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Link your plan to Quality and Service Values Whenever possible, but only if it’s true, point out why your alternative has superior qualities. Link your plan to specific benefits to family, customers, clients, members. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Follow up Give support after the decision is made. They may have seconds thoughts and retract a decision. 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Keep Control, Set limits: “Okay, this is my understanding, if I don’t hear from you in two days, I can go ahead and order that part.” “Fine, thank you. I will stop by tomorrow to pick that up from you.” 11/6/2015 Indecisive Staller Watch for Overload If pushed they can explode and make a decision completely contrary to your intended goal. Once they make a impulsive decision they often refuse to reconsider them. 11/6/2015 References Coping with Difficult People, Dr. Robert Bramson, PhD. DoubleDay Press, 1981 Coping with Difficult People in the Health Care Setting. Dr. William Umiker, Practical Laboratory Management Series, 1994. 11/6/2015