Dealing with Difficult People Dr. Scott Pelok University of Michigan User Group University 11/6/2015
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Transcript Dealing with Difficult People Dr. Scott Pelok University of Michigan User Group University 11/6/2015
Dealing with Difficult People
Dr. Scott Pelok
University of Michigan
User Group University
11/6/2015
Difficult People
We all have folks in our lives that make things
more difficult that they need to be to work,
play and enjoy ourselves. Whether it is at our
workplace (a dental office) or in our hobbies
and fun times (User Groups) we can related
to the list of folks who seem to delight in
making our life miserable. It is with an
understanding of the drive behind these folks
we are better able to deal with them.
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Difficult People
Hostile- Aggressive
Constant Complainers
Silent and Unresponsive
Super-Agreeable
Negative People
Know-it-alls
Indecisive Stallers
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Snipers
Exploders
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Tanks always come out charging
Not always physically, but their whole
demeanor expresses “ATTACK”
Arbitrary and Arrogant
Consider others to be inferior to them
Leaves people feeling confused, helpless,
frustrated.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Tanks have a strong need to prove to
themselves and the world that they are
right.
Tasks are clear and concrete to them.
Ways to perform tasks are simple and
straightforward.
They get impatient with anyone who
disagrees.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
They usually achieve their short term
goals, but at the expensive of
relationships with co-workers and
friends.
They seem incapable to receive or
accept feedback about their impact on
others.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Coping
Stand up for yourself
Give them time to run down
Just get in there
Get their attention
Get them to sit down
Speak from your point of view
Avoid a head-on
Be ready to be friendly
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Stand up for yourself
When they say:”No.no that won’t work at all”.
Respond with;” Now wait a minute. I am not sure
you heard what I said…: Describe your position in
a non-hostile manner.
Failure to stand up will reinforce the behavior
of rolling over you.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Stand up for yourself
When they say:”No.no that won’t work at all”.
Respond with;” Now wait a minute. I am not sure
you heard what I said…: Describe your position in
a non-hostile manner.
Failure to stand up will reinforce the behavior
of rolling over you.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Give them time to run down.
Usually their outburst are meant to intimidate and
“push you back”
Stand you ground without responding and give
them time to run out of steam.
When they start to lose momentum, be ready to
jump into the situation.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Get their attention, CAREFULLY!
They are expecting you to shy away from them of
not to resist.
Call them by name (not a name). “BOB”, “Ms.
Winston!” and with authority.
Drop a book or a pencil, but do NOT throw it. You
are attempting to break their tirade.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Get them to sit down.
“Look if we are going to argue, at least get
comfortable.”
Only sit when they sit.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Speak from your point of view.
“I disagree with you”
“I see things differently”
Don’t threaten, simply state your point of view.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Avoid a Head-On
You may lose the battle:
If you become to aggressive in response, they may
escalate their behavior.
They are very skill at this type of fighting, you are
probably an amateur.
…OR worst: lose the war
If they are your boss, the consequences are obvious.
If someone else, you may instill the same feelings toward
you the tank did to you.
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Hostile -Aggressives
Sherman Tanks
Be ready to be friendly
Surprisingly, when you do stand up to the “bully”,
the tank will see you as one worthy of their respect
and someone who is strong. This can be quite
disconcerting is you are not ready for it and may
interfere with a productive and valuable future
relationship.
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Sniper
Snipers maintain a cover from behind which
that can take pot shots at you.
Innuendoes, sotto voce remarks, not-too-subtle
digs, non-playful teasing, etc.
They act friendly and non-threatening and
leave you feeling “pinned down”.
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Sniper
When we witness this behavior we often wish
the victim would respond and lash out against
the assailant. But the sniper has learned to
use our own social constraints to create a
protective place from which to strike out their
prey.
It is the very success in reducing others to
inaction that reinforces the sniper to act as
they do.
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Sniper
Understanding a sniper
They have a very strong sense of what they think
is right and how something should be done.
They think that they have a “superior “view” of a
situation and feel distain for others with differing
beliefs.
Their expectation may be unrealistic and elicit
further attacks when not answered.
They feel a need to be in control of a
situation.
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Sniper
Coping
Surface the attack
Provide an alternative to a direct contest
Seek group Confirmation or Denial of Attack
Deal with Problems
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Sniper
Surface the attack
If you are the victim of an attack, don’t ignore it.
Confront it! Smoke them out!
“That sounded like a dig. Did you mean it that way?”
“Do I understand that you don’t like what I am saying?”
Sounds like you are ridiculing me. Are you?”
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Sniper
Provide an alternative to a direct contest.
You notice the above are all questions. Not assertions.
The sniper will usually deny any such attack was intend
“What, who me?. No I agree with everything you are saying.”
They are less like to snipe in the future.
Without cover, sniping is not possible.
If however, they then tell you where you are going wrong, be
ready to assess the claims
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Sniper
Seek group confirmation or denial of the
criticism
If the sniper states :”This is the worst idea I every
heard”.
You ask the group;’ Does anyone else see it this
way?”
If there is confirmation, be ready to look for the problems
and deal with them.
If the criticism is not supported, “I guess there is a
difference of opinion, could you be more specific?”
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Sniper
Deal with the problems
Prevention
Regular meetings where people are comfortable to
express ideas will lessen tension. If people feel they can
speak and be heard they are less likely to take pot shots.
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Exploder
The classic adult tantrum
Barely under control
Escalation of fury to the point that objects and
blows may be thrown.
Can erupt during conversations that start out
friendly and reasonable.
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Exploder
Almost always an automatic response to a situation
which the person feels both thwarted and
psychologically threatened.
The words or actions that elicit this response may be
subtle, unintended or only partially intended.
The victim of the tantrum is often unaware of having
said anything wrong and is likely to feel surprised and
bewildered by the abrupt change in the situation.
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Exploder
Why does this work? It is a learned response
from childhood. An exploder has found that a
good tantrum will reduce a well-functioning
adult to silence, passivity, or tantrums of their
own.
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Exploder
Coping
Give them time to run down
Show your serious intentions
Interrupt the Interaction
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Exploder
Give them time to run down.
Just like the Sherman tanks, exploders will
eventually run out of steam. Be ready to jump in.
If no pause occurs, however, be ready to stop
them verbally.
“STOP! STOP!”
“”WAIT A MINUTE!”
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Exploder
Show your serious intentions
“I can see that is this is very important to you and I
want to discuss it with you. But no in this way”
Loudly!
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Hostile -Aggressives
The Exploder
Interrupt the Interaction
“I’ll be right back”
You are buying time to let them cool off and
compose themselves.
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Constant Complainers
Find fault with everything.
The disguised message is that
someone (usually you) should be doing
something about a situation.
Complainers usually sit down when
starting a conversation. They figure they
are going to stay for a while.
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Constant Complainers
Do not confuse with problem solvers
that have a genuine complaint. The are
normally looking for solutions to
concrete problems. Complainers by
contrast will start on one topic and roll
right into many more, seemingly
endlessly.
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Constant Complainers
One of the problems with separating
problem solvers from complainers is
there is usually some substance to both
sets of complaints.
Complainers can easily turn the tables
on their victims and make them
defensive.
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Constant Complainers
Two types
The complete complainer -Everything is
presented to you since, you obviously (to
their way of thinking) are at fault.
The Triangular complainer. This person
complains to you ABOUT someone else
and expects you to remedy the situation.
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Constant Complainers
Understanding the problem:
They do not think they are whining, the
honestly think they are addressing a
problem that you need to address
“I’ve brought this to your attention, told you
it is not the way it should be. I have done
all I can do. Now it is up to you!”
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Constant Complainers
Three factors make up the complainers world:
They are powerless:
To make changes to the situation
They are prescriptive:
They obviously know what is best
They are perfect:
They are obviously blameless, innocent and morally
perfect in order to pass judgment as they do.
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Constant Complainers
They point out real problems but do it in
a way to elicit placating or defensive
responses from others. Their frustration
at the lack of constructive problem
solving is genuine but self-defeating
since it leads to more complaining.
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Constant Complainers
Complaining can be understood as the
only kind of active behavior that seems
possible to those who feel powerless to
determine their own fate. The believe
that the causes of what happens to
them is attributable to benevolent or
malevolent others.
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Constant Complainers
Complainers have a strong sense of
how others ought to behave: They feel
anger when others do not conform.
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Constant Complainers
Complaining is self-validating since it
provides a solid basis for complainers to
confirm their own lack of responsibility
for anything that is not done well.
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Constant Complainers
Coping
Listen attentively
Acknowledge
Be prepared to interrupt
Use limited responses
Don’t agree
Avoid the Accusation-Defense-Reaccusation sequence
State facts without comment or apology
Switch to problem solving
Last resort
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Constant Complainers
Listen attentively
Easy to brush off. Common to think: “Stop
Whining”
Must be done in order to:
Allow the complainer to left off steam
Lessen their sense of being dismissed and
powerless
Provides you with information needed for
additional coping steps
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Constant Complainers
Acknowledge
Actively let them know you hear them
Paraphrase the message
End with your best guess about how the
complainer feels, “I can see you are pretty
frustrated about this.”
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Constant Complainers
Be prepared to interrupt
If you don’t stop the continuous string of
complaints, they are likely to repeat
themselves.
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Constant Complainer
Use limited responses
Complainer love words like “never” and “always”.
You move toward problem solving if you can pin
down specifics. Eliminate the “nevers” and
“always”.
“You never answer the phone.”
“Okay you called on Tuesday and Friday, when
else?”
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Constant Complainers
Don’t agree
Acknowledge the problem, don’t agree to
it. It confirms your responsible for the
existence of this problem.
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Constant Complainers
Avoid the accusation-defensereaccusation sequence.
A common approach of the complainer.
The initial response from a listener may be
interpreted as an accusation, which the
complainer quickly turns into a defense,
then reverses the tables and reaccuses the
listener of the original matter.
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Constant Complainers
State the facts without comment or apology
Let facts stand on their own. Never try to oneupsmanship a complainer. You will never win.
Be specific
“You never answer my memos!”
Let’s see, you last memo was 6/10/02 and here is
my response on 6/18/02”
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Constant Complainers
Switch to problem solving
Once acknowledged, work to resolve the
issues
“When does this occur?”
Are there times it is better?”
Assign limited tasks
“Can you give me exact times and dates”
Get it in writing
Easier to verify facts and follow up with details
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Constant Complainers
Last resort
Put it back in their lap.
“Where do you want this to go?”
Won’t work the first time (usually), but gets
them into the problem solving mode to look for
constructive suggestions.
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Constant Complainers
The Triangular Complainer- Coping
“Hove you told… about this?”
“May I tell… about this?”
“I would be happy to arrange a meeting
about this.”
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Silent and Unresponsive
Noncommittal way to handle painful
situations
Calculated aggression
Evading themselves
Won’t or can’t talk when you need
conversation from them!
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Silent and Unresponsive
Coping Techniques
Closed ended questions -Wrong
“Do you have anything to add?”
“Are there an questions or comments?”
Open Ended Questions - RIGHT
“What is your reaction, so far?”
“What do say about that?
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Silent and Unresponsive
Coping Techniques
FSS - Friendly Silent Stare
Collecting thoughts
Something to do/think while waiting
Leverage
Don’t Fill in the Space- they are expecting
this!
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Silent and Unresponsive
Comment on the situation
“I expected you to say, something and you are not.
What does this mean?” Again an open ended
questions
Recycle
“Well, it looks to me like this is what’s happening.
I am waiting for a response and you are not saying
anything. How do we get out of this bind?”
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Silent and Unresponsive
Responses
“Can I go now?”
“Not yet, I still have some things on my
mind.”
“I don’t know”
“Well then please tell me about “X”
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Silent and Unresponsive
Break the Tension
“What’s on your mind?”
What are you thinking?”
Am I wrong that you are feeling
uncomfortable (or irritated, annoyed,
angry)?
Expect to go either way
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Silent and Unresponsive
Set time limits
Enough time for coping
Important issues always last
Energize the “clam” to open if time running
out.
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Silent and Unresponsive
The clam opens up
Be attentive
Resist the urge to talk as well. They will freeze
again.
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Silent and Unresponsive
Avoid the polite ending
Well, thanks, we will try again later.
If a subordinate:
This is important, we will get back together
tomorrow at 3PM…
If your boss:
This is important, I will call you tomorrow for an
appointment.
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Silent and Unresponsive
Proceed on your own.
If all else fails, proceed as if they agree:
Since you have nothing to add, I can assume
you agree to this analysis and will comply with
these specific points, or alternative
consequences….
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Super-Agreeables
Always smiling, always happy, joking
and having fun
UNTIL YOU NEED ACTION!
Form signed
Raise in writing
Honest discussion
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Super-Agreeables
The problem
We all need to be accepted, or liked. To do
so, they make others feel like and
accepted.
They become difficult when their needs
conflict with reality.
They commit to actions on which they
cannot or will not follow through.
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Super-Agreeables
“I will have that report Monday”
“I will be home in fifteen minutes.”
“I will get right on it”
All promises are made in good faith.
They may actually see it that way.
Or they are usually hiding “bad news”
Short term benefits - Long term problems
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Super-Agreeables
Coping
Make Honesty Nonthreating
“I really want to know what is happening,
because I value your friendship.”
“I am really glad you liked that report, but every
area can use some improvement. Which parts
do you think could be better?”
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Super-Agreeables
Don’t allow them to make Unrealistic
Commitments
“I will be home in fifteen minutes.
“Well, it took me 45 minutes with traffic this
time of day, so I’ll expect you are X+45”
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Super-Agreeables
Be ready to compromise
They are experts at the Win-Win situation
Be ready to give a little so that all parties can
walk away feeling good about the situation.
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Negative People
“That won’t work”
“It’s no use trying”
“We tried that last year”
“Forget it, they will never let us do it”
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Negative People
They are not aware of this underlying loss of
faith in the future.
They see instead a constant flow of reasons
why life's events cannot be dealt with in a
positive way.
They believe that those in power cannot be
trusted or will not act reasonably or
consistently. They are angry and full of
resentful acceptance of the fates.
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Negative People
Negativists are people who, while at times
are capable, have a deep seated conviction
that any task not in their hands will fail.
Their negativism is elicited by others attempts
to solve a problem or improve a procedure.
Because they believe others in power don’t
care or are self-serving, their negative
statements are made with conviction.
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Negative People
Avoid getting drawn in
Negative people can touch that potential
for depression in each of us.
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Negative People
State Realistic Optimism
Use real examples of past successes or
use analogy of current work
Don’t go for pie in the sky. Set real goals!
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Negative People
Don’t Argue
It is a waste of time and will only frustrate
you. They are firmly convinced they are
right. They are sure of what will NOT work,
you are not sure of what will.
Provide alternatives
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Negative People
Don’t rush in:
Fast answers to every question may not
success and only strengthen their point.
Negativists tend to lose substance when
discussing problems rather that proposing
solutions for them to “shoot-down”
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Negative People
Set the Horror limit:
“Look, suppose we got that account. Yes, I
know Bob thinks we cannot manage it, but
what if we got it. What is the worst that can
happen?”
Define the limits in the discussion and set
the context on how negative views are to
be interpreted.
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Negative People
Use Negativism Constructively
Once you have separated the
hopelessness and helplessness from the
substance of the negative comments, you
can listen to their advise as counterweights
to the over-optimism of others.
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Negative People
Be ready to go it alone
They may try to sabotage you or go around
you, but more often they will grudgingly
offer skeptical help.
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Negative People
Review
Be alert to the potential for being dragged
down into despair
Make optimistic but realistic statements
about past successes
Don’t try to argue away their pessimism
Do not offer solutions until the problems
are thoroughly discussed.
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Negative People
Review
When alternative solution is considered, raise the
question yourself about negative results before
they have a chance.
See the negativity as potential problems to
overcome
Be ready to take action on your own
Beware of eliciting negative responses from highly
analytic people by asking them to act before they
are ready.
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Know-it-alls
Bulldozers
Do indeed know a great deal
Balloons
Do not know it all. Have to pretend!
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Highly productive, thorough, accurate
thinkers
Competent careful plans
Carry through even when obstacles are
great.
Exude feeling of power that they don’t
need anyone else
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
They leave others feeling like objects of
condescension.
While usually right, they leave others
feeling inept, confused or stupid.
Can elicit resistant, self-defeating
behavior from others.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Leave little room for anyone else’s
judgment, creativity or resourcefulness
Once they have set a plan in motion,
they are almost impossible to stop, even
when it looks like a failure.
When things go wrong, it is always
someone else at fault.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Bulldozers have in common with nondifficult experts a strong sense that the
accumulation and ordering of facts and
knowledge can provide stability in a
relatively whimsical world.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
They believe that the power to affect their
lives resides in them, and therefore tend to
see the ideas of others as irrelevant to their
own purposes.
The “know-it-all” quality that seems
appropriate and equated with strength in their
early lives has become associated with
superiority and certainty of knowledge.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Coping
Present alternative plans without attacking
or directly challenging their expertise.
Do your homework
Listen and acknowledge
Question and suggest
Don’t challenge
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Do your homework
If you come in unprepared they will mow
you down or dismiss you outright as
incompetent
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Listen and acknowledge
Bulldozers do know something. You might
learn it along the way.
Acknowledgement demonstrates your
understanding.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Question and Suggest
Don’t confront, but be firm!
“Please explain to me why you think this will
help?”
Don’t say “Okay, hot-shot, how come you
can’t see this point?”
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Alternatives as a detour
“ I realize that this is not where we were going, but
lets take a minute to see if there are any useful
ideas here.”
Extension Questions
“How would that look in print?”
“Where will this project be a year from now?”
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
As a last resort, choose to subordinate
yourself to avoid static and perhaps
build a relationship of equality in the
future.
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Know-it-alls
Balloons: The Phony Know-it-alls
An object with thin flexible walls filled with hot air.
They speak with great authority about
subjects of which they have little or no
knowledge.
They are not liars, they really believe what
they are saying
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
An overwhelming desire to be admired
and respected by others drives the
balloons.
How better to achieve this than to be
the “expert” on any topic being
discussed.
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
Events that reinforce their behavior go
like this:
I want them to see how brilliant I am.
What I am thinking sounds plausible, so its
probably true.
If it is true, why not say so.
Well, nobody is calling me a liar, so I guess
it is true. Now I know I am brilliant.
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
Balloons seek the admiration and respect of
others by acting like expects when they are
not
They often are only partially aware that they
are speaking beyond their knowledge.
They are alert and curious about new
information. This leads to trouble when
sketchy or abbreviated information is
asserted as a full and accurate picture of a
situation.
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
Coping
The key is to establish the facts without
quashing the person or making them out to
be either a charlatan or a fools.Especially if
they are your superior!
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
State correct facts or alternative opinions as
descriptively as possible and as your own
perceptions of reality.
Provide a means for the Balloon to save face.
Be ready to fill in the conversation gap
yourself.
Cope with a Balloon when he or she is alone,
when possible.
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Indecisive Staller
When you depend on other people to do
things for you- sending letters, signing
checks/forms, turning in work- nothing is
more maddening to find out they have
done nothing because they cannot
make up their minds about how to
proceed.
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Indecisive Staller
Stallers have a tendency to put off
major decisions until they “go away”. If
it where not for the fact you needed
them for some thing, let them be as
indecisive as they wish.
Stallers avoid decision making to a
absurd and unproductive limit.
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Indecisive Staller
Almost always pleasant and supportive
Will nod and agree in a meeting
Will ask pertinent questions
Will not follow up with any action.
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Indecisive Staller
Understanding this behavior:
They are usually people that want to be
helpful, but to everyone.
For every important decision they must
make they see there will be potential
disappointment or distress to someone
else.
Want to contribute to the greater welfare of
EVERYONE!
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Indecisive Staller
Understanding
Want to do what is right and proper, rather
than what is expedient.
They place such an emphasis on quality
and value, they may sit on a plan that does
not “measure up”.
They cannot bring themselves to do an job
“quick and dirty”.
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Indecisive Staller
They apply these heroic standards to
their decisions and to you as well.
They can become disappointed and
angry if you do not seem to care or
have the same level of commitment
they present to a project.
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Indecisive Staller
Their major tactic is to stall everyone
long enough that the need for a decision
disappears.
“Can I do this now?”?
“Wait till you father gets home.”…
“Dad’s home, now can I do this?”
Its too late for that.”
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Indecisive Staller
Procrastination leads to greater toll for
all concerned:
Alternatives ways are not considered
Others loss enthusiasm and commitment
Stallers feel high levels of tension as the
demands increase upon them and are
more likely to defer further.
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Indecisive Staller
Experts on indirect communication
Instead of candid feedback and criticism,
they use hints and vague allusions.
In general we accept this, as most times
we do not like to hear negative comments
on our work or project.
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Indecisive Staller
Coping
Surface the issues
Help them Problem Solve
Rank-Order Alternatives
Link your plan to Quality and Service
Values
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Indecisive Staller
Surface the issues
Make it easy for them
“Even a good project has some points that are
not the best. Can we talk about these?”
If you can open the door to talk about the little
things the rest will follow.
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Indecisive Staller
Surface the issues
Pursue sings of indirection
“This is a generally a good report”
“This is what should be done”
Terms like “generally” and “should” are
indications they are wavering.
What specifically is NOT good in the report?
What do we need to get it done?
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Indecisive Staller
Surface the Issues
Consider it might be YOU.
They don’t think you are experienced enough
or can handle the situation, but are not willing
to confront you with the information. They are
skillful at helping you NOT face reality.
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Indecisive Staller
Help them Problem Solve
If it’s you:
Acknowledge your weakness. They are usually
open to requests for help
State facts nondefensively: “Did you know that
if you did this, you could get that?”
Present a plan: If you are willing to sacrifice
something without looking hurt, they will usually
open up.
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Indecisive Staller
Help them Problem Solve
If it’s NOT you:
Asking Questions to define the problems
“Is there a time when this can be done?”
“Would it be helpful to have someone sit in on
our conversation?”
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Indecisive Staller
Rank-Order Alternatives
Limit to no more than two or three. Five
would be insurmountable.
“Lets look at the options, then pick out the
best two to work with”
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Indecisive Staller
Link your plan to Quality and Service
Values
Whenever possible, but only if it’s true,
point out why your alternative has superior
qualities.
Link your plan to specific benefits to family,
customers, clients, members.
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Indecisive Staller
Follow up
Give support after the decision is made.
They may have seconds thoughts and
retract a decision.
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Indecisive Staller
Keep Control, Set limits:
“Okay, this is my understanding, if I don’t
hear from you in two days, I can go ahead
and order that part.”
“Fine, thank you. I will stop by tomorrow to
pick that up from you.”
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Indecisive Staller
Watch for Overload
If pushed they can explode and make a
decision completely contrary to your
intended goal.
Once they make a impulsive decision they
often refuse to reconsider them.
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References
Coping with Difficult People, Dr. Robert
Bramson, PhD. DoubleDay Press, 1981
Coping with Difficult People in the
Health Care Setting. Dr. William Umiker,
Practical Laboratory Management
Series, 1994.
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