Communication Across Cultures John Barkai University of Hawaii School of Law Communication Skills & Techniques: Cross Cultural Differences in the Security Cooperation Context.
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Communication Across Cultures John Barkai University of Hawaii School of Law Communication Skills & Techniques: Cross Cultural Differences in the Security Cooperation Context www2.hawaii.edu/~barkai Today’s Presentation Google: John Barkai Handling of Problems & Communication Western - American Asian, African, Middle Eastern designed by Yang Liu (Young) Born China; Germany since 14 Conflict is inevitable but combat is not Perspective View “Even a sheet of paper has two sides” Japanese Proverb Lain padang lain belalang lain orang lain ragam Different fields have different grasshoppers; different people have different attitudes or styles People see things differently Malaysian People see things differently They also hear things differently They also think about things differently They also decide things differently They also say things differently Basic Communication Loop CODE DECODE SPEAKER LISTENER LISTENER SPEAKER DECODE CODE The Communication Samurai The easiest way to improve your communication skills is to A__ M___ Q________! Ask More Questions! To improve communications Open Ended Questions What do you think is one of the most important issues facing your country in the next 10 years? Thai Japanese Dhivehi Maldives French What do you think is one of the most important issues facing your country in the next 10 years? Do it in your Native language What do you think is one of the most important issues facing your country in the next 10 years? He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever - Chinese Proverb Speaker (Instructor) Active Listener (Student) Speaker Continues Comments 1 I had a terrible day today. What I hear you saying is you had a terrible day today. Yeah, that's what I said. Are you feeling OK today? Classic active listening. Uses introductory phrase. Repeats exact words. 2 I had a terrible day today. ... a terrible day? Yeah, nothing went right, and then there was that thing with my boss. Skips introductory phrase. Repeats a few of the exact words. 3 The boss screamed at me about some assignment. ... blamed by the boss? Yeah, he was going on and on about it. Paraphrased, but still not a complete sentence. 4 He was being unfair. I didn't even know what he was talking about. ... unfairly blaming you? No, actually it did turn out to be my fault. But he shouldn't have acted like that with my co-workers around. Speaker corrects inaccurate active listener. 5 How do you think you would feel if that happened to you? ... you are very disturbed about this. Of course I am. No one should have to go through something like that. Active listening used instead of answering the question. 6 [if they go on and on and on and on and on] Wait a minute! Let me see if I understand you correctly. Active listening is used to interrupt without offending. Communication Techniques Speaker Listener Technique 1. What do you think is one of the most important skills for negotiators? Open-ended Question 2. Ah, I'd say communication skills. 3. Tell me more about that. Open-ended, Follow-up Question 4. Sure. Negotiators need to be able to collect information and to persuade people. Of course they need to communicate to do that. 5. What do you mean by "collect information?" Clarifying 6. Negotiators need to learn information from other people. So negotiators "collect" this information by asking appropriate questions and using other communication techniques. 7. Humm, hum. Passive Listening 8. After they have collected the information they then use it in some way. 9. Can you be more specific? Narrowing 10. Sure. When negotiators learn about the other side's interest, they can use that information during the negotiation. 11. That's helpful, keep going. Facilitator 12. They use techniques like open-ended questions, follow-up questions, clarifying questions, and active listening. 13. How so? Open-ended 14. They use these techniques to gather information from their opponent. 15. They collect the information by using these techniques? Summarization Active Listening 16. Yes, the good communicators collect the information which is an important foundation for the negotiation. 17. How do you feel about that? Open-ended Question Probe for Feelings 18. I think it is one of the most important things that negotiators do, and unfortunately, many negotiators neglect these skills. 19. So you think communication is important, but many negotiators neglect it? Summarization Active Listening 20. Right. Negotiators should realize that good communication techniques can help them to be successful, and they should pay attention to, and practice good communication techniques. 21. Thanks. You have helped me to better understand your views about communication. And, I hope I have helped you demonstrate some of the techniques that you have talked about. CROSS CULTURAL But first, magic I will make it disappear It’s gone! and how does it impact communication and security cooperation? Ideals, values, and assumptions about life that are widely shared and that guide specific behaviors. (Richard Brislin 1993) Culture is the collective programming of the mind distinguishing the members of one group from others. (Geert Hofstede) What we grow up with, is “normal” to us. Humu’humu’nuku’nuku’a’pu’a’a Water to the fish Hawaii State Fish New Yorker’s View of the World What’s this? Australian View of the World Tel Aviv Israel A Rhino’s View of the World Strangers in a new culture see only what they already know - anonymous We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are. Anais Nin (1903-1977) CULTURAL MISTAKES often come from giving meaning or motive to another person’s behavior based upon your own culture or experience Cultural Lessons from Craig Storti • Don’t assume sameness • What you think of as “normal” behavior - may only be cultural. • Familiar behaviors - may have different meanings. • Don’t assume what you meant - is what they understood. • Don’t assume what you understood - is what they meant. • You don’t have to like or accept “different” behavior, but you should try to understand where it comes from. • Most people do behave rationally - you just have to discover their rationale. Cross-Cultural Dialogs: 74 Brief Encounters with Cultural Difference (1994) What cultural factors are most likely to impact communication in security situations and how? Small groups You learned (almost) everything you ever needed to know about cross cultural communication at home before the age of 5 Patterns Deborah Tannen Georgetown University Linguistics Professor How language affects relationships Patterns – Conversational Style Gender & Communication Do Women & Men Talk Differently? Yo momma wears combat boots Your sisters tell secrets Your spouse can't communicate Yo mama wears combat boots (establishing hierarchy - competitiveness) Your sisters tell secrets (closeness / building rapport) Your spouse can't communicate (Direct/indirect speech) (High / low context communication) Complementary Schismogenesis We become more extreme in our communication and behavior during conflict The louder person talks still louder, the softer person talks still softer High Context & Low Context Communication High Context Communication Native American words were used for with military terms they resembled Navajo Code Talk Navajo Word English Word Military Term "chay-da-gahi" Tortoise Tank "gini" Chicken hawk Dive-bomber "besh-lo" Iron fish Submarine "ne-he-mah" Our mother America High Context Communication Problems In a blind approach for landing through clouds, where the co-pilot is convinced that the plane is heading against solid mountain rock, he only says “I am not sure if we have established our gliding path with necessary precision.” And other incidents of running out of fuel, but not telling the captain Hierarchy Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers Friendly Fire Casualties Cuban Missile Crisis 1962 Cross cultural & non-verbal communication Decoding Indirectness Is the statement accurate, or are they saying something else? If so, what else? Assume you are at a meeting That is a very interesting viewpoint. The majority of the world talks like this High Context – Indirect Communication http://wws.peacecorps.gov/wws/educators/enrichment/culturematters/Ch3/decoding.html Decoding Indirectness What they say What they might mean That is a very I don’t agree. interesting viewpoint We need to talk more about this. You are wrong. The actual meaning of the words may be a poor guide to what an indirect communicator is saying. Decoding Indirectness What they say What they might mean? This proposal deserves further consideration. Decoding Indirectness What they say What they might mean This proposal deserves further consideration. We don’t like it. It needs work. Propose something else. Decoding Indirectness What they say What they might mean We understand your proposal very well. Decoding Indirectness What they say What they might mean We understand your proposal very well. Do you have another one? We don’t like it. Decoding Indirectness I know very little about this, but.... I’m something of an expert on this but am too polite to say so. What I think we should do is... We will try our best. Don’t expect much to happen. I heard another story about that I don’t agree with what you project. said about that project. Can we move on to the next topic? We don’t want to talk about this now. We need to consult with people not in the room before we can decide. Practicing Indirectness: Suggestions Let’s try the opposite approach Be more indirect? What you say Direct I don’t think that’s such a good idea. What you could say? Can you be more Indirect? Practicing Indirectness: Suggestions What you say Direct What you could say? Can you be more Indirect? I don’t think that’s Do you think that’s such a good idea. a good idea? Are there any other ideas? I like most parts of that idea. Practicing Indirectness: Suggestions What you say Direct That information is not accurate. What you could say? Can you be more Indirect? Practicing Indirectness: Suggestions Direct Can you be more Indirect? That information I have some other is not accurate. information here. That information may be slightly old. Practicing Indirectness: Suggestions Direct I don’t agree. Can you be more Indirect? Practicing Indirectness: Suggestions Direct I don’t agree. Can you be more Indirect? I have another idea. What do you think of this idea? May I make a suggestion? Practicing Indirectness: Suggestions Direct Can you be more Indirect? That’s not the point. That’s an interesting point. That’s another good point. I think we should.... I have one possible suggestion. What do you think of this idea? What do you think, Mr. Barkai? (Embarrassing Barkai?. How can you find out without directly asking him?) You’re doing that wrong. Does anyone else have any suggestions? Have we heard all the opinions? I would do that like this. Have you tried doing that this way? Cross Cultural Communication High - low context communication Monochronic or Polychronic Time Body Space Edward T. Hall Power distance – (hierarchy) Individualism v. collectivism Competitive v. Cooperative Uncertainty avoidance Long-term v. short term orientation (Masc v Fem) Geert Hofstede’s Dimensions Major Cross Cultural Factors in Communication Hall, Hofstede, Aperian Individual Equality Risk takers Low context communicators Universal Collective Hierarchy Risk avoiders High context communicators Situational 117 Common Asian Groupings High context communication Collective High Power Distance Long-Term Orientation Africa, Middle East, and Latin America are also high context - some power distance - less collective than Asians - seldom long-term orientation American Stereotype Low context communication Individualist Low Power Distance Short-Term Orientation 16 ways Japanese avoid saying “No” 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. Vague “no” Vague and ambiguous “yes” or “no” Silence Counter question Lateral responses Exiting (leaving) Lying (equivocation or making an excuse— sickness, previous obligation, etc.) Criticizing the question itself Refusing the question Conditional “no” “Yes, but . . .” Delaying answer (e.g., “We will write you a letter.”) Internally “yes,” externally “no” Internally “no,” externally “yes” Apology The equivalent of the English “no”— primarily used in filling out forms, not in conversation No – Maybe Game To evade a direct answer to any question that you are asked. Sample questions (make up your own): What is your name? Where do you live? Where do you work or go to school? Where did you get that shirt you are wearing? Where did you go on your last vacation? How much money do you have saved? Do you like to eat Chinese food? - make up other questions No – Maybe Game Examples. Possible answers / ways of saying "no" without saying "no.“ - vague and ambiguous answer - ask a question back rather than answering their question - say something that is not on point - criticize the question - active listen, paraphrase, or summarize the question - make the "no" conditional - saying "yes, but ..." - delaying the answer - making an apology - silence - tell a lie or make an excuse - walking away Kung Fu Chinese martial art emphasizing internal development to defuse, disarm and deflect physical attack. Tongue Fu Martial art of Verbal self-protection & Communication to prevent conflicts and resentment when you have good intentions. The “System” Words to Lose Words to Use Words to Lose Fighting phrases Words to Use Friendly phrases Avoid “trigger words,” creating resentment -> Rapport "Mono ha ii you" "Smooth words make smooth ways" Japanese Proverb “A wound caused by fire does heal, but a wound caused by tongue does not heal” Tamil Proverb, Tamil Nadu, India “But” out I am sure you are all really smart, but… No “Buts” about it “But” Out! Lose “But…” Cancels Hurtful word Anchors an argument Use “And…” Acknowledges Connects Advances “AND” instead of “BUT” You did a good job, but you get defensive when someone gives you constructive criticism. AND instead of BUT BUT You did a good job, but you get defensive when someone gives you constructive criticism. AND You did a good job, and, when you can learn to accept some help, you’ll do even better and be an even more valuable team member. But someone near you 2-3x each That’s a pretty good idea you had, but …. I know you have thought about it for a long time, but… You probably think you are working very hard, but… Never say “No” or “Can’t” Words to Lose “No” “You can’t…” “You can’t because…” Words to Use “Sure, as soon as…” “Yes, right after…” Shuts the verbal door in the face Dead-end words Shifts the responsibility for getting what they want to you – not them Don’t say “no” to their request 2-3x each Dad, can I borrow the car tonight? Can I have the weekend off? Can I have a raise? You Should Have … Don’t “SHOULD” on them Lose “You should have …” “You need to …” Can’t change past Shames Lose face Resentment Use “Next time…” “From now on…” “In the future…” Coaches Respectful Shapes Coach instead of criticize NEXT TIME instead of SHOULD SHOULD You should have had that document reviewed before distributing it to everyone. NEXT TIME . NEXT TIME instead of SHOULD SHOULD You should have had that document reviewed before distributing it to everyone. NEXT TIME Next time, please have another pair of eyes review the document before sending it out to everyone. Should on someone near you You should have … …come to me earlier with this You should have … …gotten my approval before acting alone You should have … Then rephrase it with Tongue Fu Avoid EXTREMES be SPECIFIC “EXTREMES”: NEVER, ALWAYS, NO ONE “SPECIFICS” You never attend my meetings. You always tell me you’ll be done on time, and you never are. Extremes & universals get the discussion off target Avoid EXTREMES be SPECIFIC “EXTREMES”: NEVER, ALWAYS, NO ONE “SPECIFICS” You never attend my meetings. This is the second time this month you’ve missed. Is there a problem? We need your area to be represented. You always tell me you’ll be done on time, and you never are. Your work was late last week too. Please let me know in advance if you’re going to miss the estimates. Stop Defending Yourself You obviously don’t care much about … me anyone other than yourself Anyone other than your own kind the little guys Don’t know what to say when you are accused? Don’t really “say” anything. Draw out the real issue with questions Answer Accusations with Questions Lose Defending or denying Use Clarify first – discover the issue “What do you mean?” “Why do you say that?” “What makes you think that? Careful about your tone of voice when you say these things 4 Magic Phrases To Get Out of Any Jam That’s interesting; tell me more. That’s interesting; why would you ask that? That’s interesting; why would you say that? That’s interesting: why would you do that? Dan O’Connor Accuse someone near you then let them “draw you out” by asking questions Who makes you mad? No one can make you angry without your consent - story of the employee and boss 9 am incident fuming all day told spouse that night - who is making you mad? - who did you give a ride home to? - who did you set a place for at the table? What to say Graciously Exit No-win Disputes Let’s agree to disagree on this one. You know what, we are both right. Hey, we need to remember that we are on the same side. Just because we don’t see eye to eye doesn’t mean Have some we have to be enemies. “stock” phrases ready This is a no-win. Next subject. Tongue Glue This is important with kids. Adults hold their anger longer. It’s 5 p.m. now Talk to the wall GROUND RULES Ground Rules • Courteous • It’s ok to disagree • Listen as a friend • Everyone participates, no one person dominates – No one talks 1st, 3rd, 5th, etc. – The first to raise a hand will not always be first to speak • Honor time limits Small Groups What should someone know who is going to your country know about the communication patterns? A book about Conflicts in our closest relationships Spouses Family Friends Co-workers Significant Others At times, we treat family, friends, and people we live with much worse than total strangers You simply say … “I’m sorry I’m late.” They have something more to say “You are always late.” You feel the need to answer back. “I’m not always late.” They respond to your response “You are always late.” You respond again, and so do they You: “You’re exaggerating.” They: “No. What about last Thursday? What about when you said you’d … Long memory for your prior bad deeds Guidelines • Think: Stop talking if there is nothing to be gained (and lots to be lost). • Don't repeat yourself. Make your point once (and sit down / shut up). • Don't take their bait. Don’t get sidetracked. Ignore it. "You're just like your father" or "You always say that!" • Or, if you are giving advice, give your advice just once and move on. Don't require them to recognize it as the most brilliant suggestion ever. The most you can ever do with advice is to give it. You can’t be sure it’s taken. So, simply Shut Up! Disengage. Stop. Leave it alone The result? Peace. Positive dialogue, and happier relationships all around even if, deep down, you know You are right! If you must get “the last word” Do it the way introverts do, … in Your Own Head! What has been most useful for you in today’s class? Bush Friendly alien helped President Negotiate with the attackers. Bush Professor Barkai, may I be excused? My brain is full.