Transcript Telling ! ? Sandra Stewart With ideas borrowed from Mara Keisling Who Are You ??    Why this study How was it done What have I.

Telling ! ?
Sandra Stewart
With ideas borrowed from Mara Keisling
Who Are You ??



Why this study
How was it done
What have I learned
Should You ?
 Why
now?
 Or even should you?
 What are your motives?
 Is it necessary?
 How might they react?
Coming Out
Coming out is a process not a single event. We
have been coming out all of our lives and we
need to remember that when we wish to share
with others that which is such a large part of us
part of us.
It’s Not About You


I know you find that's hard to believe
You must address their concerns, not yours
Coming out is a process,
you have had years learning to deal with it,
or not
Why isn’t it about me?




They are more likely to understand/accept if it
is about them.
If they accept better, you win!
You have as I said had years, they have not.
Remember this is not the most important thing
in their life
Communicate



Work on their level
People hear differently
Are you aware that what you are hearing is not
exactly what I am saying?
Success Factors




Who you are
Who the other person is
The relationship you share
How you tell!
Timing
 Chose
the time carefully, if other
things are intruding into the
relationship it may be wiser to wait.

Chose the location sensibly, in a car with them
driving is probably NOT a good place
Where

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
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A neutral location,
Park
Their home
It needs to be a safe place for them
And you if they own guns!
Ally

Consider enlisting an ally, for example a
therapist or knowledgeable friend or sibling.
The Message
 Frame
the message positively!
Not I have a problem
 More I have something I wish to share
with you.
 A relationship based on truth
FIRST


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The First impression IS THE most important
Advertising
And political adds
What you say first
Answers

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

Have the answers!
Do your homework!
Do your homework!
Do your homework!
Reaction



The news may be up setting and the reaction
negative.
It is a process. Just as it has been for you a life
time process so it will for them respect that.
How they react now, will most likely not be how
they react later
Testing testing 123

Testing the waters, it is possible in conversation
to obliquely bring up a subject. There are
various other ways including what I call the
Tootsie approach (using movies and television
programs). There is also the Halloween
approach, a fairly safe time to express
“variance”. After all it is our national holiday.
Example

I used to tell my kids "picture stories", which were like crude comic strips.
We'd do this as the bed time story. To tell them, I did a picture story along
these lines: "There was once a little boy who felt like a little girl, but didn't feel
he could tell anyone because he was scared of what everyone would think. He
grew up and had a partner and kids and they eventually separated. After they
separated, the little boy, who was now a man, still felt like a little girl inside.
He decided that he really need to be that little girl, so that he could grow up
and become a woman. The little boy was me, when I was a lot younger, and
so now I am going to start being a woman." This was accompanied by
pictures of a little boy, over-drawn with a dress, then a picture of a family
with a Mum, a Dad and two children, and then finally a man, with an overdrawn dress on. After that I made sure they knew that I loved them very
much and I would continue to see them as often as I did at the time.
Gender Identity
Gender Identity
Valid
Cumulative
Percent
Frequency
Percent
Valid Percent
crossdresser
34
2.2
23.8
23.8
transvestite
3
0.2
2.1
25.9
transgendered
24
1.5
16.8
42.7
non-op transsexual
9
0.6
6.3
49.0
pre-op transsexual
27
1.7
18.9
67.8
Post op transsexual
26
1.7
18.2
86.0
other
15
1.0
10.5
96.5
99.00
5
0.3
3.5
100.0
Total
143
9.2
100.0
Gender Identity
So Initial Reaction
SO Current Attitude
How did they find out
Example


The two from my first marriage learned as
teenagers, my wife's children learned when we
told them after we had been married a few years.
When we told my children we learned they had
found my clothes and suspected something was
going on.
Example 2

describe He found my cigarette butt's with
lipstick stains and thought that I was seeing
another woman, his mother told him it wasn't
another woman that what he found was my
cigarett butts and the lipstick was what I was
wearing when I smoked.. Eventually telling him
that I crossdressed
Example 3


They are all four grown with lives of their own-the universal response when we told them of my
crossdressing was "Does Mom know? Is she
okay with it?" When she told them she knew
and was supportive that was okay with them.
We have two sons--#3 and #4--who are gay and
my "coming out" to them helped their personal
lives by realizing that they, too, are accepted by
us.
Childs Initial Reaction
Childs Current Reaction
Security Breach
Problems as a result of some one
child told
School Problems
Example

Problem at school? Not yet. My son (and their
mother) has been a bit worried about my
daughter talking about it at school. My son is
very quiet and is worried about getting teased,
whilst my daughter is very outgoing. She would
say "My Dad is now a girl. I don't care what you
think". So far it hasn't happened yet.
This is Interesting

One of the questions asked was, “is there any
one else in your family that is T*”.
Possibilities
1 genetic family trait
2 this is indicative of the general population
Other transgendered people in your family
Are there any other transgendered people in your family?
Valid
Missing
Total
Valid
Percent
Cumulative
Percent
Frequency
Percent
yes
20
1.3
14.0
14.0
no
65
4.2
45.5
59.4
Unknown
don't know
54
3.5
37.8
97.2
99.00
4
0.3
2.8
100.0
Total
143
9.2
100.0
1,419
90.8
1,562
100.0
System
Example

My grandson (age 8) is showing some
transgendered tendencies. My daughter and her
husband are taking it as a simple fact of life and
not making a big deal of it.
Childs Initial Reaction, Spouse or SO's current
attitude
SO's current attitude
positive
Childs
Initial
Reaction
indifferent
negative
other
Total
very
supportive
Supportive
sometimes
tolerant
Tolerant
sometimes
negative
other
27
9
2
0
1
9
64.3%
40.9%
28.6%
0.0%
16.7%
36.0%
8
5
2
11
3
7
19.0%
22.7%
28.6%
55.0%
50.0%
28.0%
3
5
2
7
0
6
7.1%
22.7%
28.6%
35.0%
0.0%
24.0%
4
3
1
2
2
3
9.5%
13.6%
14.3%
10.0%
33.3%
12.0%
42
22
7
20
6
25
100.0%
100.0%
100.0%
100.0%
100.0%
100.0%
Total
48
39.3%
36
29.5%
23
18.9%
15
12.3%
122
100.0%
Child Age Told * Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation
Childs Current Reaction
very
supportive
supportive
supportive
sometimes
tolerant
tolerant
sometimes
negative
other
Total
15
2
1
2
0
2
3
25
60.0%
8.0%
4.0%
8.0%
0.0%
8.0%
12.0%
100.0%
13
8
3
3
0
2
3
32
40.6%
25.0%
9.4%
9.4%
0.0%
6.3%
9.4%
100.0%
19
9
6
6
0
7
3
50
38.0%
18.0%
12.0%
12.0%
0.0%
14.0%
6.0%
100.0%
10
16
2
11
1
8
1
49
20.4%
32.7%
4.1%
22.4%
2.0%
16.3%
2.0%
100.0%
14
11
5
9
0
3
5
47
29.8%
23.4%
10.6%
19.1%
0.0%
6.4%
10.6%
100.0%
11
3
2
9
0
5
0
30
36.7%
10.0%
6.7%
30.0%
0.0%
16.7%
0.0%
100.0%
7
0
1
6
1
4
1
20
35.0%
0.0%
5.0%
30.0%
5.0%
20.0%
5.0%
100.0%
5
8
0
1
2
4
3
23
21.7%
34.8%
0.0%
4.3%
8.7%
17.4%
13.0%
100.0%
94
57
20
47
4
35
19
276
34.1%
20.7%
7.2%
17.0%
1.4%
12.7%
6.9%
100.0%
0-3
4-7
8-11
Child
Age
Told
12-15
16-19
20-23
24-30
31+
Total
Age Told v Current Reaction
Child Age Told vs. Acceptance
Child Age Told * Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation
Count
Childs Current Reaction
Child Age
Told
Total
very
supportive
supportive
Supportive
sometimes
tolerant
tolerant
sometimes
negative
0-3
15
2
1
2
0
4-7
13
8
3
3
8-11
19
9
6
12-15
10
16
16-19
14
20-23
other
Total
2
3
25
0
2
3
32
6
0
7
3
50
2
11
1
8
1
49
11
5
9
0
3
5
47
11
3
2
9
0
5
0
30
24-30
7
0
1
6
1
4
1
20
31 +
5
8
0
1
2
4
3
23
94
57
20
47
4
35
19
276
Telling and Supporting Wives and
SO’s

Has any one not told ?
This may have the most value in being able to help friends
Principles discussed earlier apply

Which means this section will be shorter


However
Significant Goodies

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Your SO’s support is VITAL to the children's
happiness and level of acceptance!
Except
Her level of acceptance is dependant on a
number of factors
Factors in Acceptance

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
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When they found out
Who she/he is!
What you have done.
How she found out.
And now
The Well

My two oldest girls have heard more negative
talk about me from my ex so when they see me
they have their Mothers biases to deal with. The
younger two live with me and are just wonderful
about it all.
Extreme reaction

My wife told them while I was out-against my
wishes

Are u kidding me? I walked in and found both
kids hysterical, lying on the family room
carpet...banging their heads on the floor, cryingsobbing and screaming Why? WHY? Why?
Since then they hardly talk to me and I hardly
see them
A dream come true?
description_of_attitude_of_partner:
she loves having power over me.whenever i'm with
her she makes dress as a girl or else.

description_of_attitude_of_children:
her mother is teaching her how to humilate
me.susan invites her friends over while i am
dressed as a woman.

Prepared?
Count
Preparation to tell
SO’s
current
attitude
none
consulted with
therapist
talked with T*
friends
gathered
Information
from books
gathered
information on
internet
very
supportive
5
2
2
3
7
19
supportive
9
0
1
2
8
20
supportive
sometimes
11
0
2
1
1
15
tolerant
8
0
0
1
3
12
tolerant
sometimes
8
0
0
0
2
10
10
0
0
1
1
12
1
0
0
0
0
1
52
2
5
8
22
89
negative
other
Total
Total
Example

The web was an amazing resource, as well as my
many TS friends that I had during my transition.
I can't think of any one author or site that was
good. There is a desperate need for more
information on how to break the news to the
children. It was one of the hardest things I had
to face.
Support Group Value!
Spouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support group
Count
SO member of support group
Spouse or SO's
current attitude
Total
yes
no
Total
very
supportive
14
3
17
supportive
7
7
14
Supportive
sometimes
4
7
11
tolerant
1
6
7
tolerant
sometimes
1
5
6
negative
1
15
16
other
1
1
2
29
44
73
Initial Reaction
What was spouse or SO’s initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out?
Count
When did spouse or SO find out?
Initial
reaction?
Total
Before
married
After married
before
children
While
children
growing up
After
children
grown
Other
Very
supportive
7
0
1
3
0
11
supportive
4
0
1
5
4
14
supportive
sometimes
0
0
2
3
1
6
tolerant
11
1
5
3
1
21
tolerant
sometimes
3
0
0
6
1
10
negative
3
0
9
14
8
34
other
2
0
0
1
1
4
30
1
18
35
16
Total
100
Support!




The best support for wives is other wives
It can be as little as an e-mail group
Better yet in person
They do have to be open to support!
Church activity
Count
SO's church activity
SO’s current
attitude
Total
does not
regularly
attend
church
attends
regularly
once or twice
a month
attends once a
week
attends or is
active more
than once
A week
very
supportive
12
1
3
3
19
supportive
6
3
4
2
15
supportive
sometimes
4
2
1
3
10
tolerant
1
3
2
1
7
Tolerant
sometimes
3
3
2
1
9
negative
3
2
0
7
12
29
14
12
17
72
Total