Transcript COMMUNICATION - Brigham Young University–Idaho

Communication
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Speak so plainly that they can’t possibly
misunderstand!
2 Nephi 25:20
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And now my brethren, I have spoken
plainly that ye cannot err.
Six Killer Tips For Marriage
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Words Women Use:
“FINE”This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel
they are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have
one of those arguments.
“FIVE MINUTES”This is one hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is
going to last before you take out the trash.
“NOTHING”
If you ask her what is wrong and she says “Nothing,” this means something
and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the
feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and back
wards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and
end with the word “Fine”.
“GO AHEAD” (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with
the word “Fine.”
“GO AHEAD” (normal eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want
because I don’t care.” You will get a raised
eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes,
followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will
talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she
cools off.
“LOUD SIGH”
This is not usually a word, but it is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men.
A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over “Nothing”.
“SOFT SIGH”
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
“Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually
understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe and she will stay content.
“THAT’S OKAY”-
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have
done.
“That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” At some
point in the near future when she has plotted and planned,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
“PLEASE DO”This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to
tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.
“THANKS”
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say “you’re Welcome.”
“THANKS A LOT”
This is much different from “Thanks.”
A woman will say, “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off
at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and
will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is
wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
Matthew 5:37
Yea yea or nay nay
=
Honest dialogue!
3 Nephi 11:3-5
not harsh, not loud, open your ears!
How do you open your ears!
In an age when verbal karate has some sway, we must be willing
to let the gentling influence of the gospel tame the tongue --however tempting the tongue’s target. So many of our soul
scars are made by words --- not deeds (Neal A. Maxwell, The
Smallest Part, 72).
Geniality is a part of Christian communication, but so is
accuracy. In the same way that vagueness in theology produces
human misery, so vagueness in our communication produces
difficulty. Evan Hill in writing about the need for accuracy
said, “When we show that we care enough to be accurate, a
current of warmth is generated between people.” While candor
often depends upon a commitment to courage and truth,
accuracy often depends upon our not being lazy or indifferent
about either issues or people. Fuzziness in communication can
mean that we simply do not care about the receiver of our
communication (Neal A. Maxwell, The Smallest Part, 72-73).
Studies have shown that the average man speaks about
12,000 words a day and the average woman speaks about
25,000 words a day. And all too often when a man comes
home from work he has used the vast majority of his daily
allotment while his wife has just gotten warmed up. Add
this to the fact that, as Joe Tanenbaum states, a woman
“receive [s] almost half again as much input from her
senses as a man, store [s] more information, and can
retrieve it more quickly and with more accuracy that he,
which automatically gives her more to talk about” (Male
and Female Realities (Sugar Land, TX: Candle Publishing,
1990) 112).
Husbands, you need to talk to you
wife. She needs it. Wives, let your
husband know that you want to
listen to him, that you want his
opinion, then accept it without
criticism. Sometimes the reason
men don’t talk is because women
don’t stop talking and give them a
chance.
Men & Women Communicate Differently
Studies show that the most commonly reported
marital problem is communication. Therapists
report that 84% of the couples they work with cite
communication as at least one of their major
concerns.
The most common complaint husbands have about
wives is that they are always nagging about
something.
Wives, on the other hand, complain that they can’t
ever seem to get their husbands to talk about
anything.
WHY SUCH A DIFFERENCE?
1st Many wives who may not have much adult conversation during a
typical day or who may spend much of the day ministering to the needs
of children, look forward to having their husbands come home. They
think “Oh good, now is my chance to talk and be ministered to.”
Husbands, on the other hand, come home thinking, “Oh good, now is
my chance not to talk. I can just sit quietly and read the newspaper or
watch TV.” To many husbands, “silence is golden.” To many wives,
“silence isn’t golden; it’s just plain yellow!”
2nd Many husbands tend to assume that everything is fine when there
in no talking, whereas wives tend to assume that, if no one is talking,
something is wrong. To husbands, it often seems that the more the
couple talks about the relationship, the worse things get. They don’t
understand why wives can’t let well enough alone instead of talking
everything to death. In contrast, wives feel that the only way to resolve
issues is to talk about them. Silence only makes things worse.
3rd Women are more inclined, than men, to express how they
feel and want to know how others feel.
They believe in expression of feelings is necessary to be close to
someone.
Men, on the other hand, are more inclined to express how they
think.
Expressing feelings makes many men feel vulnerable, and feeling
vulnerable makes them feel less in control.
The fear of not being in control may be one reason why men are
often hesitant to ask directions, even when hopelessly lost!
4th
Many women feel that “if I tell my husband what I want or
what is important to me, or what I would like him to do around
the house, he will do it.” When she tells him, and nothing
happens, she assumes it is only because he did not really
understand how she felt or what she wanted. So, she tells him
again. He feels nagged. So why didn’t he do what she wanted in
the first place?
Studies show that men resist being told what to do by anyone and
especially by a woman.
Another common concern expressed by women is that “my
husband doesn’t listen to me. He pretends to listen while he
watches TV or reads the paper. He won’t look at me when I speak.”
The husband says “What do you mean? I’m listening!” “Okay,
what did I say then?” the wife asks.
Many times husbands can tell their wives what they said and the
wives are surprised.
It is true that many times husbands don’t listen very well.
Elder Russell M.
Nelson said:
“Learn to
Listen, and then
listen to learn
from one
another”
Seek first to
understand,
then to be
understood.
Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf
American Indian proverb
The Universal Need:
Validation starts with understanding the universal need that each
person has to feel, that I am worth, my feelings matter, and someone
really cares about me.
Principles of Validation:
It is the “ability to walk with another person emotionally without
trying to change his or her direction (Gary & Joy Lundberg, I Don’t
Have to Make Everything All Better (New York: Viking, 1999), 8).
It is comforting and freeing when your mate walks beside you
emotionally, allowing you to explore and wander where you want to
go.
The basic underlying premise of validation:
I don’t have the power to make anything all better for anyone else. I
can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better.
The idea of validation is to be able to view something through the
eyes and feelings of the other person. Realize that each person has
his or her own set of feelings and experiences; when you seek to
understand them from his or her viewpoint, you are showing great
respect. You do not change or discount your own beliefs, feelings, or
experiences. You get out of yourself for a while and into “other”
orientation --- the most important other: your spouse.
Keep in mind that you can listen to those needs with full interest
because you don’t have to fix them or solve them.
Non-Verbal Behavior
Another principle of effective communication is non-verbal
behavior or body language. Some experts estimate that only
35% of what we communicate comes through the words we
use. 65% of what we communicate comes through our nonverbal behaviors. Body language tells other people about our
feelings even before we open our mouths.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton said:
“We must learn to communicate effectively not only by
voice, but by tone, feelings, glances, mannerisms, and
total personality… A meaningful smile, an appropriate pat
on the shoulder, and a warm handshake are all-important”
(“Family Communication”).
SMILING
It is estimated that the average child smiles or laughs several
hundred times a day. As we get older, we sometimes get away
from that.
For some people, it seems you can’t squeeze a smile out of
them.
A natural spontaneous smile indicates friendliness or
willingness to communicate. We smile to say hello, to
indicate approval or interest. But, make sure you combine
smiling with an approach or attempt at conversation.
If you smile for too long without further action, you may
scare the other person away.
EYE CONTACT
Eye contact probably signals more to a person than any other
nonverbal behavior.
Looking away is generally read as a signal that you are not
interested, or perhaps are trying to hide something. But, it is also
important to learn the difference between eye contact and staring.
NODDING
Nodding communicates approval or says “I’m with you.” How
often should you nod? Try not to nod mechanically throughout
the conversation. Instead, choose to nod when you especially
agree with what is being said or when you particularly want to
encourage further sharing.
A study was done several years ago in which participants were
paired with someone of the same sex and same age. Two chairs
were placed outside a room. Each pair was told to take the chairs
into the room and “just visit” for awhile until the researchers were
ready to begin the study.
In reality, the study was to watch their communication patterns.
They found one dominant pattern and difference between boys
and girls of all ages.
The boys took the chairs into the room and set them side by side
(facing in the same direction). They communicated fine but
rarely looked at each other and kept their bodies sideways to each
other. The girls faced each other and maintained considerable eye
contact.
It seems, then, to be more natural for women to face others and
maintain eye contact than it does for men.
What value might there be in knowing
of such differences?
It isn’t so that we can point them out. And it
isn’t to get our partners to be more like us.
It is to help increase our understanding and
tolerance of each other and our patience with
each other.
It is to help us better meet each other’s needs.
Another listening difference can be found between men and
women.
Many women say “Why is it that every time I express concerns
about the children or talk about my problems or worries, you give
me advice? I don’t want advice. I just want you to listen.”
Meanwhile, the husband, who is socialized to be a problem-solver,
assumes that the reason she is telling him all this is because she
wants to help in finding a solution to the problem. He may even
become impatient, wanting her to “hurry and get to the point” so
that the problem can be solved and they can move on.
For men, closeness begins once the problem is solved. For
women, it isn’t necessary to solve the problem to be close, because
it is the sharing that creates closeness, not the problem-solving.
That’s what we all
need --- a listening ear
from the most
important person in
our lives.
7 Basic Suggestions for More Effective
Communication
(Elder Marvin J. Ashton, C.R., Apr. 1976, 79-82)
1. Sacrifice:
Take time to be available. When we convey the attitude
of “go away, don’t bother me now,’ family members are
apt to go elsewhere or isolate themselves in silence.
2. Setting Stage
The location, setting, or circumstances should be
comfortable, private, and conversation-conducive.
3. Listening
Listening requires undivided attention. The time to
listen is when someone needs to be heard.
4. Voice Feelings
Too often when we are not able to converse with a
daughter or wife we wonder, “What is wrong with her?”
when we should be wondering, “What is wrong with our
methods?”
5. Do not judge
Try to be understanding and not critical. Avoid
imposing your values on others.
6. Be Worthy of Trust
A willingness to maintain confidences.
7. Communicate Patiently
Each of us needs to avoid coming through as one who
has given up and has become totally weary in trying.
How forcible are
right words!