The Top 10 Rules for Civil Behavior

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Presented by Tim Tucker

Agenda

Theory    Introduce Dr. Forni Paradigm shift Call to Action Application  Defined – Notions exercise    Principles – Assertion exercise Rules Discussion

P. M. Forni, Ph.D.

 Teaches Italian literature at Johns Hopkins University  Studied at the University of Venice, the University of Pavia (’74) and UCLA (’81)

Credits

  P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct, New York, St. Martin’s, 2002 Robert Bolton, People Skills, New York, Simon & Schuster, 1980

Paradigm Shift

How Can We Be Better People?

Tim’s self-help formula  Some deficit seems obvious  Usually involves discomfort     Works against our preferences Ends (goals) justify the means It’s hard to be successful There is always guilt and it’s easy to quit

Civility As A Paradigm Shift

      Easily overlooked Awareness as distinguished from effort Kindness is natural Like unlearning some of the “isms” Changed my behavior cognitively, dedication more important than work I don’t think I can go back

Call to Action

Why Is Civility Important

     I think we are all experts in civility I think incivility seems inevitable I think we can repossess civility I think we need to – For ourselves – For our students I am making a call to action

The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study

    Random sample of 400 Baltimore area workers with 130 (32.5%) responding 67% felt society had become less civil in the past year 25% felt the workplace was less civil than a year ago 83% said it was “very important” to work in a civil environment

The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study

The most agreement of “Uncivil” Workplace Behavior was on the following  Taking, without asking, a co-worker’s food   Refusing to work hard on a team project Shifting blame to coworker for mistake   Reading someone else’s mail Neglecting to say please/thank you

The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study

“Violent Workplace Behavior”      Pushing a co-worker, heat of argument Yelling at a co-worker Firing a subordinate, heat of argument Harshly criticizing a subordinate in public Using foul language

The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study

Responses to Incivility  Discussed outside of workplace (88%)  Discussed with co-workers (85%)    Contemplated changing jobs (70%) Felt less commitment to company (63%) Confronted the instigator (44%)

The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study

Effects of Incivility  Quality of life drops  Quality of service drops     Quality of product drops Stress rises People feel rushed Accident rates (W/C) rise

The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study

Cost of Incivility  Decreased work effort (37%)  Work loss due to illness (9%)  Healthcare/EAP (13%)  Dr. Forni’s point is that “being good is good for you.”

Definitions and Notions

Defined

  From the Latin civitas , city Life in the city was to have a “civilizing” effect

How Civil Are We?

  We are experts It’s a great message even if the messenger is conflicted

What Does Civility Mean to You?

 List the notions

Some Popular Notions of Civility

         Respect for others Care Consideration Kindness Fairness Self-control Tolerance Etiquette Peace          Community Service Tact Equality Sincerity Honesty Awareness Trustworthiness Listening Compassion Abiding by rules

Civility is in the Realm of Ethics

According to Dr. Forni  Being civil means being constantly aware of others….”   Civility is benevolent and thoughtful relating to others Civility includes the well-being of our communities, and the  Health of the planet

Examples

   Interpersonal Community Environment

Interpersonal

       Please and Thank you Lowering our voices Considering our response Acknowledging a newcomer to the conversation Listening to understand and help Acknowledging our mistakes Disagreeing with poise

Community

       Welcome a new neighbor Respect those who differ from us Refuse to participate in gossip Raise funds for a neighborhood Stand on the right of an escalator Make new coffee after taking last cup Yield with grace when losing argument

Environment

      Proper disposal of pollutants Proper disposal of trash left by someone else Following traffic laws (safety, courtesy) Kindness to animals Turning out the lights Turning off the faucet

Principles and Assertion

Principles

     Relationship Respect Self-expression Restraint Assertion

Appeal To The Best in People

    Building relationships Consider the feelings of others Consider the comfort of others Treat others the best way we know how

Respect in Action

 The “everyday practice” of “respect for persons.”  “Harmonious and caring relationships foster a happy life.”

Civility and Self Expression

 “Restraint offers a space between intention and action and the opportunity to protect others from actions or reactions that should exist only in your imagination.” Stephanie Dowrick

Restraint

  “Sometimes we confuse having fun with being happy.” “Restraint is the art of feeling good later” – Do I really want to do this?

– Is anybody going to be hurt by this?

– Will I like having done this?

Assertion Message (Robert Bolton, 1982)

     Is it in my space?

Using non-polarized (charged, value laden) words, describe the behavior And, tell how it made you feel (State the cost/impact, if identifiable) Repeat, if necessary

Assertion Exercises

     The driver of a car parked next to you bumps your door A presentation runs over Your boss makes a highly challenging assignment and you are already busy Your child bounces in your favorite chair until it breaks A group of students are noisy in the halls when you are giving a tour

Rules

     In the texts of all religions Renaissance ideals Philosophy works Self-help books Forni condenses these into 25 “rules”

“Top 10”

1. Pay Attention

   Awareness of surroundings, students colleagues What is or could be happening?

How will we make it different?

 Ex: Salt shaker

2. Acknowledge Others

  We monitor our relationships The invisibility game dismisses the presence of others  Ex: Cutting in a line

3. Think The Best

     What do we expect?

Goodness Honesty Could the young man standing in front of the large home own it?

Tempered with the realism that your opinions can change

4. Listen

   How much time do we have for each other?

Value the messenger – Pay attention Value the message – Make sure we understand

Active Listening

   Make listening the goal of the moment Demonstrate your attention – Eye contact – Reflection – Restatement Co-operative – Separating priorities – Critical thinking, concluding questions

6. Speak Kindly

       At the heart of civil behavior Improves the lives around us Are our words an improvement over silence?

Permit others to speak in turn Be aware of your non-verbals Never yell at anybody Never use profanities

7. Don’t Speak Ill

   “Nobody ever gossips about other people’s secret virtues.” Bertrand Russell “Politics on campus are so fierce because the stakes are so small.” George Brelsford, Rowan University Response: Depart, silence, defend, challenge

11. Mind Your Body

       Remember non-verbal communication We can offend with our bodies Is our cologne a problem?

Keep fingers at a safe distance from your mouth, ears and nose.

Keep your mouth closed when chewing Never spit Don’t scratch yourself

13. Keep it Down (and Rediscover Silence)

     Thinking about silence as a choice, not as a void waiting to be filled About preserving another’s peace TV, CD’s, Cell phones, computers, leaf blowers, car horns, Places of worship, libraries, restaurants, theaters Campus, office, halls, classrooms

17. Assert Yourself

  Expect to be treated in a civil manner Saying “no” to someone may be saying “yes” to yourself No phrases:  No, thank you.

   No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.

No, It’s not what I had in mind.

No, I’m not comfortable with that.

19. Care for Your Guests

     Guests need not earn our hospitality What is the ethic of care in our offices?

What expectations do we have of staff?

How important are the people we work with?

Guests can feel “at home” when expected to take care of themselves.

Critical Thinking

 Arrival

     Is formality suspicious?

What is the state of altruism?

How prevalent is restraint today?

Is achievement at odds with civility?

What happens if we wait for civility?

The Rest of the Rules

5. Be Inclusive

A mindset  How long have we held our beliefs?

  Choose conversation topics that can be enjoyed by all Summarize for a newcomer   Welcome a new neighbor Develop and demonstrate an interest in other cultures

8. Accept and Give Praise

       A compliment is a gift, accepted with thanks Assume that your feelings are unknown Pass them along Word them specifically, with meaning Make them sincere Keep them simple Avoid complimenting appearance

9. Respect Even a Subtle “No”

    “No” can be an answer “No” is not always explicit Avoid using our power to get a “yes” Care enough about others not to make our problem theirs

10. Respect Others’ Opinions

    Tolerate opinions that differ from ours, give them a fair hearing Assume that the opinion of others may differ from our own (politics) Attacking an opinion may be viewed as a personal attack Is our campus a safe place to express an opinion?

12. Be Agreeable

     Have regard for others Look for possibilities of agreement Consider that you might be wrong Admit that you don’t know (or that you don’t have all the information you need) Practice the art of receiving

14. Respect Other People’s Time

      The time of others is as valuable as yours Arrive on time, do not hold friends hostage Keep telephone calls brief Use call-waiting sparingly Respect deadlines Don’t cut short a scheduled meeting for the sake of your convenience

15. Respect Other People’s Space

       Where is it? Be aware of their reaction Keep touching to a minimum Ask permission before entering No tailgating Avoid picking up objects and examining them in a home or office Avoid reading faxes, computer screens Keep your articles off desktops of others

16. Apologize Earnestly

   A sincere apology statement – Identifies what we did – Acknowledges it was wrong – Conveys that we understand the effect – Is not an excuse It is not a way to explain away inappropriate behavior It may not be immediately well received

18. Avoid Personal Questions

    Exercise discretion, hesitate to ask Religion, politics, money, relationships, health and appearance are private We can object when privacy is threatened – “I prefer not to discuss personal matters.” – “This is not the time or place for this discussion.” – “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.” Avoid volunteering the same information

20. Be a Considerate Guest

    Leave your host’s space as undisturbed as possible Respect your host’s time and workload Treat your host’s work space like a home We are guests when we stay in a hotel

21. Think Twice Before Asking for Favors

Questions to ask  Do I need to ask this favor?

 Is the favor ethical?

   Does the favor put a third person at a disadvantage?

Would I be comfortable granting the favor?

Can I return the favor?

22. Refrain from Idle Complaints

    Avoid chronic complaining Choose a positive workplace A civil workplace is good for the workers Examine your chronic complaints and expunge them at the rate of one a month

23. Accept and Give Constructive Criticism

     Listen to criticism. Is it valid? It is probably not abuse. Can we learn about ourselves?

Think about what can be learned instead of building defenses Provide criticism to help with a problem, not to humiliate Use assertion techniques “Sandwich” the message

24. Respect the Environment and be Gentle to Animals

  What is your work-space like?

– Free of litter – Recycling practiced – Resources conserved Is there emotional wellness?

– Kindness – Patience – Reception

25.Don’t Shift Responsibility and Blame

    About the combination of self-respect and respect for others Apologies are made without rationales Acknowledge the mistake or inappropriate behavior Remember the assertion exercise