Transcript Divorce - UH

By Guadalupe Cantu, Pearl Fierro,
Jessica Quintanilla, and Rosa Rios
A divorce happens after a husband and wife
decide they can't live together anymore and no
longer want to be married. They agree to sign
legal papers that make them each single again,
and allow them to marry other people if they
want to.
 It's really important for kids to know that just
because parents divorce each other, they're not
divorcing their kids. Some kids think that if
their parents are divorcing, it means their
moms and dads will want to leave them too.
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(Kingsley, 2007)
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Divorce results from a couple’s failure to commit to their
marital and family roles which encompass the children’s
psychological and emotional development.
Continuous abuse, unable to be stopped, is far more
damaging than divorce.
However, divorce in itself does not impact children’s lives
and development in a positive way, especially when either
parent, or both, abandon responsibility for the kids’ social
and emotional development.
But, when handled responsibly divorce can be the
right choice.
How to Divorce: A British Documentary with Christina Mcghee
http://divorceandchildren.com/video_uk.html#
(Conner, 2009; Divorce and Children, LLC, 2008)
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The management of separation and divorce is not easy for
families. There are no easy answers.
It is a complex process stressful and confusing for parents
and children.
There are painful decisions that need to be made.
Uncertainty of the future now exists.
Parents may be devastated, overwhelmed, and hurt.
Children are often scared because their sense of security
has been threatened.
Parenting tends to become more difficult after a divorce
but…
Inevitably, no matter what anyone’s thoughts and
feelings are on divorce, Life Will Change for ALL.
(Divorce and Children, LLC, 2008; Kemp, Claundos & Segal, 2009; Lewis & Sammons,
2000)
 There
are many reasons why people divorce.
Maybe they've grown apart. Maybe the love
they once had for each other has changed.
Maybe they fight and just can't agree about
things. Every couple has their own reasons
for divorce. Whatever the reasons are, one
thing is for sure: Kids don't cause divorce.
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is the parents’ responsibility to reinforce
this concept to their children.
(Kingsley, 2007)
It is important that parents continue to give their
children their love and provide the reassurance they
so desperately need
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Verbal Communication- In addition to reminders of love,
addressing feelings is necessary.
Non-Verbal Actions- Offering physical presence and support
is also key.
Listen- Children may express certain feelings like
frustration about unexpected things so Listen!
Help Them Express Themselves Honestly- Notice their
mood and let them know it is okay to say how they really
feel.
Acknowledge- Though not up to the parent to change the
way they feel or to fix their problems, show understanding
is good enough.
(Kemp, Claundos & Segal, 2009)
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Just like the divorce is not the kid's fault, getting
parents back together is not up to the kid,
either. And most likely, this doesn't happen,
although plenty of kids wish for it and even try
things they think might work.
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Acting like an angel at home all the time (who
can do that?) and getting straight A’s at school
(another hard thing to do) may make your mom
and dad happy with you, but it doesn't mean
they'll get back together.
(Kingsley, 2007)
 First
of all, it's normal to feel lots of
different things, including anger, fear, and
sadness.
 Second,
even though it may seem like your
whole world just fell apart, with time, things
will be better again. Your life might be a bit
different, but the pieces will come back
together again - maybe even sooner than you
think.
(Kingsley, 2007)
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Fear of Change and Abandonment
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Loss of Attachment
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Enduring Parental Tension
Signs that children are not handling the divorce effectively
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Unrealistic Hope of Bringing Parents Back Together
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Aggression and Denial
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Depression and Withdrawal
Divorce may cause children to experience such symptoms
•Impulsive & Impatient behavior
•Anger towards self or others
•Oppositional, rebellious, defiant
or conduct problems
•Breaking rules & testing limits
•Destructive behavior
•Self-blame, guilt
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•Self-destructive or self-harming behavior
•Apathy and failure to accept responsibility
•Superficial positive behavior
•Early or increased sexual activity
Drug or alcohol abuse
Violent thoughts or behavior
Suicidal thoughts or behavior
Consult immediately with a mental health professional if suspicion of
critical symptoms exists- drugs, alcohol, violence, suicidal ideation
(Parker, 2009; Conner, 2009)
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When parents divorce, usually one parent moves out of the
house and lives somewhere else.
Some kids spend part of the time living with one parent
and part of the time living with the other.
Other kids live mostly with one parent and visit the other.
If this is the case, it may seem strange at first to be
visiting your own parent, but it’s possible the child might
even start to enjoy a little time away from his or her
everyday house. It can feel good knowing you have two
homes where someone loves you.
(Kingsley, 2007)
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Sometimes problems come up when kids visit one
parent and then go home to the other. For example,
one parent might ask a lot of questions about stuff
the other parent is doing. Sometimes a parent wants
the kid to be a messenger between homes. Kids
usually feel uncomfortable when this sort of thing
happens. They wish that parents would just ask each
other what they want to know.
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Kids don't want to feel like they are in the middle. If
something like this happens to you, talk to your
parents and tell them how it makes you feel.
(Kingsley, 2007)
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Announce the divorce together to the children
Be honest in answering questions
Remember there are no substitutes for time, love and
attention; be active in your child’s life
Do your part to ease visitation
-Keep times regular and predictable, maintain routines
-Designate time with each parent
-Discuss children’s wishes about visiting and residence
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Ease private communication with each parent by
phone/email etc.
Stress the importance of maintaining both parental
relationships.
Dispel any notion that the child might have about causing the
divorce and discuss their feelings of guilt
(Lewis & Sammons, 2000)
Do
Don’t
Show your children you love them
as much as possible
Tell them the divorce is not their fault
Reassure children of their safety
Let them know it is okay to love
both mom and dad the same as
before the divorce
Support your children’s relationship
with the other parent
Listen to the children and let them
know it is okay to express their
feelings
Help them know they have a home
with each parent no matter how
much time they spend with them
Provide discipline & structure
Definitely do keep your sense of
humor- you will need it
x Don’t talk bad or put-down the
other parent to your child
x Don’t expose your children to
unnecessary details of divorce
x Don’t use your children as
messengers or manipulate
them into spying
x Don’t retaliate when the other
parent does damaging things;
this puts the kid in the middle
x Don’t burden your child with
adult decision-making
x Don’t have your kid be your
confidant
x Don’t withhold visitation for
failure to pay child support or
vice-versa
x Don’t try to buy your child’s
love
(Divorce and Children, LLC, 2008)
 Wouldn't
you like to know what will happen
in the future? For a kid of a divorced family,
it may mean stepfamilies someday. Don't
expect everything to go smoothly all the
time.
 It can be really hard dealing with divorce,
but try to remember that lots of kids go
through what you're going through, and
usually everything and everyone turns out
fine. In fact - as bad as things might seem
right now - you just might be surprised at
how good the future turns out to be!
(Kingsley, 2007)
“50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce” has
become a statement of common knowledge, but is it
completely accurate? Though this estimate is reasonably
close, some important details of distribution are overlooked.
Divorce Rates:
1st marriage
41%
2nd marriage
60%
3rd marriage
73%
•59% of the US population is married
•10% is divorced
•66% of all divorced couples are childless.
•Divorce rate is somewhat lower for
couples with children compared with
childless couples.
•The younger you marry, the higher
the chance of divorce.
•The divorce rate is lowest for those
marrying in their thirties.
• The risk of divorce is also lower for
people with at least a college-degree
getting married later in life.
(http//:www.divorcerate.org/; MarketWatch Inc., 2009; Divorce Magazine, 2009)
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24% of married householders have children
9.2% of households are run by single moms
1.9% are run by single dads
9.68 million are single moms
2.04 million are single dads
5.5 million of unmarried couples are living together
69% of children under 18 live with both parents
23% live with mom only
5% live with dad only
4% don’t live with either
(Divorce Magazine, 2009)
Conner, M.G. (2009). Children during divorce. Retrieved February 17, 2009, from
http://crisiscounseling.com/TraumaLoss/DivorceChildren.htm
Divorce and Children, LLC (2008). Divorce and children: Helping people redefine their families and
their lives. Retrieved February 19, 2009, from http://divorceandchildren.com/
Divorce Rate: Divorce Rate in America. Retrieved February 21, 2009, from
http//:www.divorcerate.org/
Divorce Magazine (2009). U.S. Divorce statistics. Retrieved February 21, 2009, from
http://divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml
Kemp, G., Claundos, R. & Segal, J. (2009).Children and divorce: Helping your kids cope with the
effects of separation and divorce. Retrieved February 20, 2009, from
http://helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm
Kingsley, R. (2007) A Kid’s Guide to a Divorce. Kids Health. Retrieved February 18, 2009 from
http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/divorce.html
Lewis, J. & Sammons, W. (2000). Children and divorce. Retrieved February 18, 2009, from
http://www.childrenanddivorce.com/
MarketWatch, Inc. (2009). 50% Divorce rate for all is just not true: New marriage calculator shows the
facts. Retrieved February 22, 2009, from http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/50-DivorceRate-For-All/story.aspx?guid=%7B76FBB2A4-3F01-429B-87D2-A727C9123672%7D
Parker, W. (2009). The effects of divorce on children and how to cope. Retrieved February 20, 2009,
from http//:fatherhood.about.com/cs/divorceddads/a/divorcekids.htm