Transcript FAMILY CONFLICT RESOLUTION - Brandy An Coffee's House

FAMILIES
How To
Manage Problem Behavior
Brandy A Coffee Marks, M.Ed., D.R.S.
Biblical Counselor & Ordained Minister
www.brandyancoffee.net
FAMILY
ATMOSPHERE
Atmosphere of Family
The atmosphere of your family home contributes
highly to behavior problems in children.
So, let’s take a look first at parental behaviors that
can create problem behaviors in children.
Remember, try to be honest with yourself even if what
you see is painful and you disagree.
Don’t blame yourself or others for the problems,
instead, use the information to create change.
Atmosphere of Family
What is the general atmosphere in your family?
• Discouraged where there are lots of problems and
family members feel angry or anxious
• Encouraged where there are pleasant behaviors
and family members feel happy or hopeful
Beliefs when Discouraged
PARENT
CHILD
• Over protect
relies on others more than they
rely on their own self
• Over indulge
behaves irresponsible; seems that
they do not care for others
• Rejecting
feels you don’t care about them;
may behave uncaring toward you
• Controlling
engages in power struggles; may
become overly independent
Beliefs when Discouraged
PARENT
CHILD
• Permissive
doesn’t seem to care about others
• Too rigid
feels discouraged about their
own ability to succeed
• Pitying
feels sorry for themselves; and
become pitying toward others
• Discipline
Inconsistent
feels lack of trust toward others;
and believes life is unfair
Beliefs when Discouraged
PARENT
CHILD
• Discouraged
becomes cynical about life and
people and very pessimistic
• Deny feelings
learns to cover up their feelings or
deny their anger & frustrations
• Competition
tends to be anxious, tries to be
the “best worst”; and is afraid to
try unless success is guaranteed
Beliefs when Encouraged
PARENT
CHILD
• Independent
self-reliant and interacts with others
• Respectful
has behavior that is responsible
• Acceptance
develops positive self-worth
• Equality
appreciates their self and others
Beliefs when Encouraged
PARENT
CHILD
• Is Fair
has a sense of justice for everyone
• Realistic
sets realistic goals; believes in self
• Confidence
believes in their ability to succeed
• Discipline
Consistent
trusts self and others; sees life as fair
Beliefs when Encouraged
PARENT
CHILD
• Encouraged
optimistic about life and can see
the possibilities/potential
• Feelings
Expresses and is not afraid of their
own or the feelings of others
• Cooperation
has varied social interests. Shares in
give and take, new experiences and
accepts consequences of choices
This section is used mainly for when you’re having a
family meeting to resolve family issues, not individual.
Dealing with individual issues will be discussed later.
PROBLEM SOLVING
STRATEGIES
Problem Solve
ASK YOURSELF . . .
• What was the situation?
• What did I do in response?
• What changed in situation/person?
• What could I do different next time?
• What did I learn from the experience?
The situation
What, where, when and who was present?
• What:
family meeting
• Where:
we were at home
• When:
Wednesday after dinner
• Who:
all four of us were present:
myself, my wife, both daughters
Specific event
We were discussing how to handle the meeting
when it turned into an argument
• Mary wanted to talk about her friends
• Aliesha wanted to talk about her school
• My wife looked angry; never said anything
• I wanted it to be fun; it turned into a battle.
To React or To Respond
A reaction is emotional and often unreasonable.
A response is usually thoughtful and reasonable.
• Reaction: I blew up and yelled at the kids and
sent them to their rooms.
• Response: I listened to what each one said, and
decided if we took things in order we
would have time to hear everyone.
What changed?
I noticed a change in
• Reaction: Nothing changed; both kids went to
their room and my wife and I argued
about whose fault it was.
• Response: We had a discussion. Nothing was
settled, but we each felt like we had
been heard and that felt great.
What could be done?
Next time I could
• Reaction: I could listen to each person so they
each have a say in the situation.
• Response: I could resolve at least one problem
and not leave it hanging.
What did I learn?
I learned
• Reaction: I learned that an emotional reaction
to an argument settles nothing
• Response: I learned that taking time to listen
and respond calmly could make
a big difference
Understanding
Now you understand the difference between
reacting and responding to a situation.
Understanding the “why” of difficult behavior
often motivates us to change our ways.
Attention
Behavior
Clown around; minor mischief; wear unique clothing;
forget their responsibilities (homework, other)
You Feel or React by . . .
Annoyed and remind or coax them to “go and do it.”
Instead . . .
Don’t give attention for poor behavior; later, give a hug
when not acting out or ask, “What is it you need?”
This way they don’t learn to act out to get attention.
Power and Control
Behavior
Aggressive, defy, disobey, hostile, stubborn, resistant
You Feel or React by . . .
Get angry; feel provoked. Fight “fire with fire”; give in
Instead . . .
Do not give attention by fighting or giving in to them.
Give choices and remain calm and reasonable.
Revenge
Behavior
Hurtful, rude, destructive, they stare hurtfully at you
You Feel or React by . . .
Deeply hurt by their behavior; may retaliate to get even
Instead . . .
Don’t take it personal; don’t retaliation; set firm limits;
and give them reasonable choices
Inadequacy
Behavior
Quits easily, avoid trying, truant, drop out of school,
use drugs to escape feelings of inadequacy
You Feel or React by . . .
Despair, feel hopeless. Agree that they are hopeless
Instead . . .
Give and let them make choices; show confidence in
their ability to make responsible choices
Problem Prevention
IMPORTANT: Once the difficult behavior has been
dealt with, return to the first ‘Instead’ and give the
person the needed attention – love -- 2-3 Xs a day
when they are not acting out!
Give them a smile or a hug and say something nice
“You look like you’re enjoying yourself” – etc.
One or all of these types of response can help to
prevent future behavior problems.
DEALING WITH
DISCIPLINE
Problem Prevention



We all need attention. Attention = Love
Give people/ children needed time and
attention: a few minutes, 3 or 4 Xs a day.
Space it throughout the day
 Before and right after school/work
 Afternoon/evening resolve issues
 and at bedtime; prayer and praise
 Week-ends have time together with
ALL of you as a family.
PROBLEM SESSION

THE FOLLOWING are suggestions for
managing problems when they come up.
 One
for one plan

one person at a time

one problem at a time

one step at a time until resolved
Parent-Child Plan

Discussion and Goal Setting

Discuss to understand expectations

Planned practice of behavior, if needed

Self-monitor and taking responsibility

Daily discussion for praise and prayer

Time management; buddy system for children
THE PLAN
Remember . . .

Keep it super simple

Handle one person at a time

and one problem at a time and

Never complain or explain yourself
(you do not need to apologize or placate).
 Instead . . .
1. BE PREPARED


Know what you want to discuss, then stick
with what you decide on.
Don't let them change the focus on you

Stick with the topic under discussion and
be firm about what you have to say

Speak with authority (confidence), not
anger or arrogance (selfish pride)
2. THE PROBLEM
State your view on the problem
 Describe their behavior only
“I saw or heard you … when I was..."
 Describe how you felt at the time
“When I see/hear .… it seems like ….“
 Never start out with “You always … etc.”
 They may deny or try to confuse the
issue by blaming you for the problem

3. LISTEN

Listen to what they have to say

Do not interrupt until they are finished

Don't say one word to defend yourself if
they accuse you of whatever

Be honest and fair, but don't excuse their
behavior, or what you may have done

Paraphrase to clarify for understanding
(repeat in your own words what you heard)
4. CIRCUMSTANCES
Consider unusual situations without using it to
excuse their behavior

there may have been a change in events
that were beyond their control

they didn't have had enough information
or skills to do the task

they may have had personal problems that
created excess stress
5. ALTERNATIVES
 Look
 Ask
for a solution for both of you
them to help you find a solution
 Honestly
consider their ideas
 Paraphrase
what they have to say for
greater clarity and understanding
 Ask
them to paraphrase what they hear so
they know they understand you
6. AGREEMENT

Strive to agree on a solution

Put it in writing and both of you sign it

You may have to negotiate some things
to reach a mutual agreement
 However,

never compromise your values!
Be sure it's something you both agree on
7. A PLAN
 Once you reach an agreement
 Design
a plan of action

How will it get done?

Who will do what?

What will happen if either of you don't
do your part (the consequences)?
8. VISUALIZE

Be sure both of you know the outcome
when the task is accomplished.
Ask:
“What is the plan?”
“What will you do?”
“How will you do it?”
Apples and strawberries may both be red, but they are
also very different fruits.
9. FOLLOW UP

Follow up and
 Be
sure everything is done as agreed.
 This
 it
simply makes good sense and
builds trust as well.
 They will know you care enough to give the
situation your valuable time and energy
10. CONSEQUENCES
Discuss penalty if task is not done.
 Decide ahead and write it down, then
 Be sure you follow through here as well.
 With adults, ideally, this is not an issue,
depending on the person.
 But in abuse situations the penalty for not
following through might be police action

NEXT
Let’s look at a plan
designed for change
BEHAVIOR PLAN

1. Describe problem and/or behavior.


2. Be specific about problem (what, when, where)


Daily ________ needs reminding to pick up clothes, etc..
3. Describe acceptable behavior you agree on


Clothes lay about _______. Attitude/behavior is ______
Clothes are picked up daily before _________________
4. Consequences for behavior that goes unchanged

(Child) No friends over, and loses ______ for __ hrs/days
WRITTEN AGREEMENT

Date ________
Name _________________________

1. I will increase positive behavior by ________________.

2. I will appropriately ask for needed help by__________.

3. I will manage conflict by ______ instead of ________.

4. I won't disturb others, or do anything designed to get
negative attention for myself.

Signed _________________/_________________
OTHER Goals for Improvement

Talk with the person and write one goal per line

Use the behavior improvement plan for a child

Have the child work on the goals one at a time

You can use this for your own personal goals!

When we try to take on too much at once, often
we feel overwhelmed, fail and stop trying.

So, take things slow and give yourself a break.
RATING SCALE
1 = needs help
2 = some progress
3 = improved
4 = much improved
5 = well done
Child
/
Parent
Morning
12345
/
12345
Afternoon
12345
/
12345
Evening
12345
/
12345
1. Goal
12345
/
12345
2. Goal
12345
/
12345
Discuss daily. Share conflicts with counselor
STRATEGIES LIST
 CONSEQUENCES
 HOW
the PARENTS GIVE
FAMILY MEMBERS CAN HELP
 AND
 HOW
CHILDREN CAN PLAY A PART
STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS
Consequences given by the parents:
Verbal reprimand
Time Outs
Financial Restitution
Behavior Plan
Child Writes Plan
Restrict Privileges
Unpleasant Work
Home Confinement
Family Members Response
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Goal Setting
Write a Contract
Daily Debrief /w child
Tutor (school tasks)
Have Healthy Friends
Relax & visualization
Video for self-image
Encourage Parents
who need it too
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Discussion
Practice Behavior
Weekly Conference
Support Person
Teach Social Skills
Skill Training
Positive Self-talk
Interact with those
in Authority
Manage Difficult Behavior
Years ago, I worked for a mental health facility that
dealt with violent youth offenders. These boys were
taught needed behavior change through consistent
care employed on a daily basis.
The following methods were used successfully with
these young men to modify their behavior.
CONSEQUENCES Natural & Logical
Situation
Consequence

1. Late going to bed
Tired next morning

2. Radio not turned
Loss of radio 24 hrs

3. Swear, aggressive
Request redirect self
or lose privileges

4. Negative Activity
Lose activity for 24 hr

5. Not do their chores
No friends over or visitors;
not go outside until done
Give them a Choice
 "You
can turn down the radio right now, or
lose it for the next 24 hours."
 "You
can stop watching that show now or
lose the television for the next 24 hours."
 "You
can do chores or stay inside without
your friends until the chores are done."
 “You
can go outside with your friends after
the kitchen (or other chores) are done.
REBELLION
 The
child replies, "You can't make me."
 TELL THEM "You can give up (game or TV)
now, or lose it for the next 36 hours.“
 And the
child says, “Go ahead. I don’t care."
 TELL THEM "You can give up (game or TV)
now, or lose it for the next 48 hours."
 ALWAYS DOCUMENT consequences so you
can follow through and know the results.
REBELLION

REMEMBER--IT'S THEIR CHOICE
"You can give up____________ now, or lose ______
for _____ hrs/days.”
“You can complete (self care, brush teeth etc) or
stay in your room until you do.”

This way THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE for the choices
they make and the consequences!

This model worked quite well in helping these teens
adjust to a new and healthier way of life.
REC CHART FOR WEEK OF ______
Put the chart so you can refer to it, daily, then do
what you say and always follow through!







Sun
Mon
Tue
Wed
Thurs
Fri
Sat
To movies (age appropriate)
Rent Nintendo game (non-violent)
Grocery shop or Library with ____
Arcades or shop at Mall with ____
Thanksgiving with family or _____
Rent movie, or go to the movies
Trip to the zoo or a museum
RECREATIONAL OUTINGS

Once they consistently modify their behavior for
a period of time, relax restrictions, slo-o-w-ly.

Gradually allow greater freedom the greater their
compliance with accepted behavior.

If they start having problems again, you should
tighten the restrictions immediately.

Never compromise on what you know is right!
HELPFUL REMINDERS
 1.
Have a weekly recreational schedule only
when their behavior is in compliance.
 2.
All personal needs must be completed or
give consequences, as appropriate.
 3.
On outing they stay in sight at all times or
give them consequences as needed.
 4.
If uncooperative and not redirect behavior
bring them home immediately.
 5.
If obeying, give positive feedback immediately;
Ex: “Great job. I like how you handled yourself”
A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE
1.
Taking the time to show the child you care
saves you time down the road.
2.
To be successful in altering problem
behavior requires time and effort.
3.
You have to put your home and family first,
before anything else, even your job.
4.
Know that you are turning your child into a
mature adult loved by God and others.
SIMPLE COOPERATION LOG

(1) needs help
(2) Made effort
(3) Finished
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa

SELF-CARE

Brush teeth
__ __ __ __ __ __ __

Daily shower
__ __ __ __ __ __ __

EDUCATION

Homework done
__ __ __ __ __ __ __

Attend school
__ __ __ __ __ __ __

CHORE LIST

Wash dishes
__ __ __ __ __ __ __
HOUSEHOLD
CHORES
CHORES - SHORT & LONG

Assign Chores According to Age


Small Children = Simple Tasks
Older Children = More Complex Tasks That
Challenge Them

The First Time You Give a New Chore, Teach the
Child How to Do it

Let Them to Do it "Their Way" It Should Not matter,
As Long as it Gets Done

This Is How They Develop Creativity
CHORES
SHORT CHORES

Scrub stove burners
Clean bathroom mirror

Clean toilet bowl
Sweep front & back walk

Empty dishwasher
Clean kitchen cabinets

Clean tub or shower
Sweep garage out

Clean garbage cans
Clean refrigerator

Wipe kitchen cabinets
Defrost freezer

Pick up yard litter
Polish wood furniture

Clean kitchen/bath sinks
Scrub kitchen/bath floor

Wash ____ dishes
Water house plants

Help with ironing clothes
Weed outdoor plants
LONG CHORES
Wash windows
Scrub outside of pans
Chop wood / stack it
Mow lawn
Clean bathroom tiles
Wash outside of house
Edge the lawn grass
Clean the window sills
Pull weeds in garden
Clean rain gutters
Clean the oven
Rake leaves in yard
List the chores children are required to do, then list those
you would like them to do (these should be optional).
REQUIRED CHORES (trade off value)
 "If I wash the dishes for you Monday 1/22, you
will clean the sink for me Tuesday 1/23."

WRITE IT DOWN and SIGN IT.

SAMPLE:

If I ___________________ for you, on _______ you will
__________________ for me on ________."
Signed ______________________ Date ____
Signed ______________________ Date ____
DISCIPLINE with LOVE

LOVE IS patient and kind,

Love is never jealous, envious, selfish or rude

Love does not demand it's own way and is not touchy

Love doesn't hold a grudge and hardly notices when
someone does them wrong

Love rejoices in the truth and not in the unjust

If you love someone, you are always loyal, defend them,
always believe in them and expect the best of them.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Doctrine of the Cross
Brandy Ann Coffee Marks, M.Ed., D.R.S.
Biblical Counselor and Ordained Minister
Vancouver Washington
(360) 772-1462
[email protected]
THE END