Transcript Effective Communication

Effective Communication
Telling the Truth in Love
Objectives
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Demonstrate how effective communication is the
scriptural application of Telling the Truth in Love
Describe the building blocks of communication
Process
Learn tools: active listening and positive
assertiveness
Enhance strategies when communication is difficult,
sensitive, or conflictual
Communication
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is a spiritual exercise
builds relationship
shapes community
enhances participation
brings accountability
Telling the Truth in Love
Kings take pleasure in honest lips. They value
a man who speaks the truth. (Prov. 16:14)
Let your yes be yes and your no be no. (James
5:12)
To be perceived as genuine, your non-verbal
behavior, tone of voice, and content (words)
should all send the same intended message
Building Blocks of a Message
Body
Language
55% Non-
Verbal
Email or letter
Face to Face
38% Tone
of voice
7%
Message
Content
Phone Conversation
Matthew 18:15 If your brother sins against you, go
and tell him his fault between you an him alone. If
he listens to you have gained your brother.
Why don’t we obey this command?
 We are afraid of hurting someone
 We are afraid of someone else’s anger
 We are afraid of our own anger
 We are afraid of abandonment
 We don’t know how to express ourselves
What we do instead: Triangle
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Tell someone else and tell them not to tell.
A has problem with B
A
A tells C
B
C
C may or may not get
involved
Yeshua triangle buster: Mark 20:20-22
Mother of Zebedee: Grant that my sons may sit one at
your right and one at your left in your kingdom
Yeshua to them: Can you drink the cup I’m going to
drink?
Result: End of triangle. Beginning of meaningful
conversation
Other ways to avoid Matt. 18:15
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Gossip (See Gal 5:15)
Bring it up at a meeting ‘without mentioning
names’.
Talk about other’s sin in ‘prayer’
Let it fester inside
Give someone the silent treatment
The difficult conversation: three
conversations in one
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“Each Difficult Conversation is Really
Three Conversations”)
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The “What Happened?” Conversation
The “Feelings” Conversation
The “Identity” Conversation
The aim is to go from debate to dialogue
What Happened? “True humility is not thinking less of
yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”
― C.S. Lewis
The “What Happened?” Conversation
 Can I allow myself to see the other person’s
viewpoint. You can offer understanding
without agreeing with their position.
 What assumptions am I making about them?
 What did I contribute to cause this situation?
The Feeling Conversation
 Describe
your feelings without venting.
Take responsibility for your
reactions/feelings without judging or
blaming
the “I” word as in “I feel upset, hurt,
disappointed, etc”
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Dealing with your own strong emotions
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Process your feelings with a friend, in prayer
before God and by journaling before you
speak with the other person.
Is there a pattern in your life that goes
deeper causing an over-reaction?
Ask yourself if this reminds you of someone
or something else?
The Identity Conversation
 How
attached am I to my position based on the
need to preserve my self-image, my self-esteem?
Do I feel attacked when that might not be actually
happening.
(Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10. How important is
this issue to me.)
 Can I remain confident in my identity while giving
some ground in this difficult conversation?
Choosing to Love: “…love one
another” 1 John 3:11
Aggressive responses invite escalation
“The negative squelch”
Passive responses prevent resolution,
“I must never say what I feel unless it’s positive”
Authentic responses can bring meaningful
interaction
Using “I” statements can be loving and truthful.
The 4 steps in going to your brother or
sister
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What have they done?
How it hurt you or upset you
The consequences
What would have been more helpful
The lips of the righteous know what is fitting.
(Proverbs 10:32)
Begin by being specific. Do not attack their
character with generalizations.
When you……………………(what they did)
I felt……………………………(Sad, angry, hurt,
confused, etc)
Consequently………………….
What might have been helpful……………..
More Tools for the toolbox
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Listening
Asking good questions
Learning to be honest with grace
Not defending
He who answers before listening that is folly
and shame (Proverbs 18:13)
Listening
 Promotes a sense of communion
 Brings relief
 Builds trust and rapport
 Diffuses tension
 Translates as love
 Communicates respect
“Every time we listen we reflect the listening
father” (Norman Wakefield)
Active Listening
A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh
word stirs up anger (Prov. 15:2)
Reflective listening-How to do it?.
 Reflect back the content Ask them “Did I get
it?” If not, ask them to explain again.
 Summarize
 Offer understanding.
 Try to imagine what they are feeling
(empathy).
Phrases for failure
What’s with you? You always…
 You never do that right.
 Even (insert name) says this about you.
 You’re just like your father, mother, etc…
The fruits of zapping come back on the
zapper’s head. (William Backus)
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Asking Questions
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Use open-ended questions that need more
than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.
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Tell me more?
What did I do that made you feel that way?
Help me understand what you mean by…?
Avoid asking “why”. It tends to put people on
the defensive. Ask instead “What”.
It’s OK to say “No”
Luke 13:13-14
Follower:
Teacher, bid my brother to divide the
inheritance
Yeshua:
Man, who made me judge or divider over you.
The fear of the Lord (not mankind) is the beginning of
wisdom.
Ways to say ‘No”
 No, that won’t work for me. I’m sorry.
 I won’t be coming to that meeting. Thank you for asking.
 I don’t want to do that. Perhaps another time.
 It’s not good time for you to visit. Let me get back to you
when it will work better for both of us. (From: Telling Each
Other the Truth. William Backus.
Dealing with anger/control in others
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Offer understanding but hold your boundary.
“I understand you feel upset, but this is
something I need to do”
“I understand that might be frustrating for
you. I care for you, but I need to set this
boundary with you.
Don’t make decisions out of fear of other’s
reactions.
When someone comes to us:
Responding Constructively
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Give up on looking good, right or anything
that puts you above anyone else
Receive correction as a gift
Ask how you contributed to the situation.
What behavior of yours made them feel sad,
angry, perplexed, etc?.
Be humble. (Not being more than you are.
We are all life long learners)
Speaking the truth in LOVE
Love means putting the other first. Thanking
and appreciating them
Love speaks what is good for the other person
“Better the rebuke of a friend…” (Pr.27:6)
“I care about this relationship. I ‘d like to find a
way for us to solve this” Is better than “Get.
lost. You’re hopeless. I never want to see
you again.”
I Corinthian 13
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Love is patient = hang in there
Love is not proud = you could actually be
wrong!
Love is not rude = don’t interrupt
Love is not easily angered =communicate,
don’t argue
Love always hopes = change is possible
Summary
Telling the Truth in Love
Be clear on what the goal of the communication
is. (“to win your brother or sister”), not to win
an argument)
Identify specific behavior. No character slams.
Take responsibility for your own feelings
Let them know the impact
Request change as a gift, not a demand
Be willing to admit your contribution
Listen because you care.
I John 7
If you walk in the light as He is in the light
you will have fellowship with one another
and the blood of Yeshua purifies us from
all sin.” 1John 7
Resources
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Backus, William, (1985) Telling the Truth in
Love. Bethany House::MN
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Benner, David (1999). Care of Souls. Baker
Books:MI