Transcript Why WAIT?

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Education for Life
BRAIN TIPS
Only during the past 10 years have scientists
been able to use new technologies such as
MRI(Magnetic Resonance Imaging) and
FMRI(Functional MRI), and PET (positron
emission tomography scans) to study the brain in
groundbreaking ways.
 We are learning how the brain develops over time
and what is happening in the brain as we
experience different things in life.
 For example, one fascinating finding, which we
will talk about later, shows that the brain center
for “Infatuation” is different than the brain
center for “love.”

BRAIN TIP # 1
THE NEUROSCIENCE OF BRAIN
MOLDING
Mirror Neurons
 So what Neuroscience has been able to show is
that our brains are truly being molded by:
 life experience.
chosen behaviors , whether the choice was conscious or unconscious

SO THE OLD SAYING;
YOUR FRIENDS EFFECT YOUR
FUTURE IS VERY TRUE

If you don’t design your own life plan, chances
are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess
what they have planned for you? Not much.
BRAIN TIP #2
YOUR PREFRONTAL CORTEX
Source of:
 sound judgment
 anticipating how behavior today can affect one’s future
 moral intelligence
 abstract thinking/seeing what is not obvious
 rational behavior and decision making
 setting priorities

1. Weinberger, et al. The Adolescent Brain, 2005
KNOW YOURSELF
Who are you?
P.I.E.S.S.
DIMENSIONS OF MATURITY
P
I
E
S
S
hysical
ntellectual
motional
ocial
piritual / values
WHO AM I & WHERE AM I
GOING
What are some things that you hope to accomplish in your lifetime?
Education
 Work/career
 Family
 Travel
 Hobbies

WORDS THAT DESCRIBE ME


Reliable

Helpful

Fun

Caring

Responsible

Good Parent

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Loyal

Polite
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Dependable

Positive person

Energetic

Courteous

Kind

Outgoing


Has Goals/Drive

Caring

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Nurturing

Motivated
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Trustworthy

Enthusiastic

Thoughtful

Peacekeeper

Punctual (on-time)
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Friendly
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Organized
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Funny

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Creative

Good with people
Courageous
Problem-solver
Loving
Problem-solver
Open-minded

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Flexible (handles
change, goes with
the flow)
Inspires others
Independent
Professional
Brave
Laid back
Stays busy
Babysitter
Faithful
Athlete
Physically Fit
Understanding
Ambitious
Hardworking
Confident
Honorable
Respected
 Takes initiative

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(does what’s
needed; no need to
be told)
Follows instructions
Role model to others
Optimistic (looks on
the bright side,
hopeful)
Efficient (gets things
done)
Quiet & thoughtful
Innovative (comes
up with new ideas)
MY VALUES
Principles
 Standards
 Morals
 Ethics
 Ideals

Focus not on seeking out the perfect dating
partner, but first focus on becoming the perfect
dating partner.
PARENT-TEEN ACTIVITY

With this handout have a conversation with a
Parent or other respected adult about the values
and character qualities that have become
important to them. Have them explain why.
True love doesn't come to you it has to be
inside you.
Day 2
WHAT DO WE NEED TO
LIVE?
Needs
Desires
WHAT IS LOVE?
7 CHARACTERISTICS
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Kindness: the joy of meeting someone else’s needs
before your own simply for the sake of the
relationship.
Patience: allowing someone to be imperfect.
Forgiveness: being able to give and ask for
forgiveness
Courtesy: The act of treating everyone as a personal
friend.
Humility: a peacefulness of heart that allows you to
stand aside in order to affirm te value of someone
else.
Generosity: Giving your attention, time, abilities,
money, and compassion freely to others.
Honesty: Always revealing who you really are.
Love is a choice!
“No matter what our backgrounds are, being a loving person
does not come without work. Something in our make up as
humans fights against our desire to love authentically.”
We do not have to be taught to lie, or to act selfishly for some
reason it just comes naturally and for many of us it becomes
our way of life. But the truth is we are all drawn to true love.
“True love serves others because only in serving do we find
satisfaction in relationships. Whether we are conscious of it
or not, when we act without love, we are not being true to our
core identities. Because we are made for relationships, when
we offer authentic love to someone, we are being who we
really are. So cultivating the seven characteristics of love
helps us build the strongest possible relationships.”
When we make the CHOICE to truly love, our desire to grow
in love and show our true selves begins to flow more
naturally. Our goal needs to be to open our hearts and minds
daily to look for opportunities to share love with others. The
more we do this, the more easily we love others and receive
love from others.
3 QUESTIONS
Here are three questions you can ask yourself on a
regular basis to help cultivate a loving life style:
1.
What can I do to help someone today?
2.
How can I make someone's life easier?
3.
How can I be a better ( friend, boy/girlfriend,
daughter/son, student) today.
BASIC HUMAN NEEDS
Physical
Social
Emotional
Mental
UNMEANT NEEDS
THE POWER OF OUR WORDS
“Words Kill, words give life; they’re either poison
or fruit-you choose.” (ancient proverb)
 “The good person brings good things out of the
good stored up in their heart, and the hurting
person brings hurtful things out of the hurt
stored up in their heart. For out of the overflow of
our heart our mouth speaks.”
 Listen to your words; Own them. If they bring
hurt to others take the time to figure out what is
going on in your heart that makes you use your
words to hurt others.
 We will never have healthy, happy, long lasting
relationships until we deal with our own
hearts/hurts.

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
STEPS OF INTIMACY
1. Eye to Body
2. Eye to Eye
3. Voice to Voice
4. Hand to Hand
5. Hand to Shoulder
6. Hand to Waist
7. Face to Face
8. Hand to Face
9-15 Final Steps: Intensely Intimate— Reserved for
Marriage!
BRAIN TIP #3
DOPAMINE:
Our Brains have several Neurochemicals that
play amazing exciting, and almost unbelievable
roles in our thinking, desires, and behavior.
Dopamine is one of them
 It is the messenger chemical.
 Basically dopamine rewards us by producing a
feeling of excitement and well-being when we do
something thrilling or rewarding.

Slide 3.21
The Brain Chemistry of Love
For weeks or months you get a big shot of the “love
chemicals.” Those chemicals make it easy to slide into a
risky or poor relationship and make poor sexual choices.
IN
F AT
UAT I O N
ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOUR
FEELINGS CAN AND DO LIE TO YOU!
INFATUATION IS REAL. IT IS WHAT GETS
LOVE GOING, BUT IT IS NOT REAL LOVE!
REMEMBER
INFATUATION MAY GROW INTO A REAL
LOVE BUT IT CAN ALSO FADE AS FAST AS IT
RISES.
Testing Your Love Smarts–True or False?
1. There is probably only one person meant for you.
2. Breaking up should be done slowly so you don't
hurt the other person too much.
3. If you feel the "chemistry," i.e., intense
attraction, it's probably love.
4. If you find the right person you will be happy.
5. Opposites attract.
6. Happy couples have fewer differences and argue
less than unhappy couples.
7. On average people have one serious romance
before they find someone they want to marry.
8. Living together before marriage is a good way to
reduce your chances of divorce later on.
DECIDE DON’T SLIDE
FOUNDATIONS OF A
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Talk
FOUNDATIONS OF A
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Sex
Commitment/ Marriage
Trust
Similar Expectations/Priorities
Shared goals
Similarities in Backgrounds
Dating
Shared Values, Honoring Boundaries
Sharing Experiences
Taking time to become Friends
Talk
WHAT DO MOST OF TODAY’S
RELATIONSHIPS LOOK LIKE?
Sex
OneSided
Sex
Meant something
only to one person
Communication
OneSided
Sex
Not so great
Meant something
only to one person
Few Common Interests,
Time Together Not
Much Fun
Communication
OneSided
Sex
Not much
there
Not so great
Meant something
only to one person
Not
Doesn’t Feel Like a Friend
really
Few Common Interests,
Time Together Not
Much Fun
Communication
OneSided
Sex
Not much
there
Not so great
Meant something
only to one person
You Have No Commitment/Trust
Non
e
Not
Doesn’t Feels Like a Friend
really
Few Common Interests
Time Together Not
Much Fun
Communication
OneSided
Sex
Not much
there
Not so great
Meant something
only to one person
Inverted Relationship Pyramid
YOU HAVE NO COMITMENT, NO TRUST!
Doesn’t Feel Like a Friend
Few Common Interests; Time
Together Not Much Fun
Communication
Not Great
One-Sided
Relationship
SEX
Not Really
Mature
No
Development
No Foundation
No Positive
Starters
7 PRINCIPLES FOR SMART RELATIONSHIPS
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Seek a good match-someone with common
interests.
Pay attention to values.
Don’t try to change someone into someone they
are not.
Don’t change yourself to get someone’s love or
friendship.
Expect good communication.
Don’t play games, be phony, or pressure
someone.
Expect respect. Have standards for what you
expect.
“YOU
ARE HERE TO ENRICH THE WORLD, AND
YOU IMPOVERISH YOURSELF IF YOU FORGET
THE ERRAND” (WOODROW WILSON).
Our purpose here is to help you focus your attention on
the greatest thing in the world, giving love to others
through healthy relationships. The truth is nothing
will bring greater satisfaction to your life, in time and
eternity, than giving and receiving authentic love.
PARENT TEEN CONNECTION
ACTIVITY

Infatuation or Love conversation
YOUR MUST HAVES
AND
I CAN’T
DEAL WITH
DAY 3
OXYTOCIN
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
NEUROCHEMICALS
 Oxytocin
 Gives
Is released in a girls brain when she:
birth
 Breast feeds her baby
 Is involved in intimate touching with someone
 Has sexual intercourse
WHAT DOES OXYTOCIN
DO?
 Oxytocin
 Can
is a bonding chemical.
I get a guy volunteer to help me out?
 So, when a girl engages in touching in an intimate way, dopamine and oxytocin,
increases her desire for more touch and causes a real bond to the boy she is
with.
 The important thing to recognize here, girls, is that the desire to connect is not
just an emotional feeling. It is a real chemical bonding. The severing of the bond
is what cause the incredible pain you often feel after a break up. And you many
be actually seriously damaging the bonding mechanism that you were born with,
a mechanism put there to allow you to, in the future, have a healthy bonded
marriage that is a stable relationship and provides a healthy home for you and
your children..

Oxytocin helps explain the remarkable propensity of battered
women to return to the very men who abused them. Our
hormonal response to touch, to sex, and to proximity is so
powerful it can trump our better judgment about what is
truly in our best interests.”
OXYTOCIN ALSO CREATES
FEELINGS OF TRUST
The “trust” impact of oxytocin is so pronounced that Louann
Brizendine, M.D., a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California says
“from an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin is naturally
released in the brain after a 20 second hug from a partner – sealing the
bond between the huggers & triggering the brains trust circuits; so girls
don’t let a guy hug you unless you know you can trust him.”
Oxytocin is
also valuesneutral
VASOPRESSIN:
THE GUYS
NEUROCHEMICAL
The guys brain has many more receptors for vasopressin then the girls.
Sexual intercourse releases large amounts of vasopressin into the guys brain.
Vasopressin in the guys brain promotes bonding with his sexual partner. Studies have
shown that it also helps to bond a father to his children.
VASOPRESSIN AND
TESTOSTERONE
Cause boys to be aggressive and territorial and crave sexual contact
with women.
What you guys need to remember is that if you fall into a pattern of
being intimate with one girl and then moving on to another you
experience only one form of brain activity common to humans
involved sexually-the dopamine rush of sex.
SO REMEMBER, THE IMPACT OF
DOPAMINE, OXYTOCIN &
VASOPRESSIN
For both girls and guys the inability to bond after multiple partners is
almost like tape that loses its stickiness after being applied and
removed multiple times.
IT IS NATURAL FOR GUYS AND
GIRLS TO DESIRE EACH OTHER,
THAT IS HOW WE ARE MADE US.
The thing is you gotta use your
Self-Control!
You have the gifting of the ability to choose.
LETS TALK
CONSEQUENCES
I hope that you are beginning to see that there are
many unconscious influences that direct our sexual
behavior.
Most of us think of our choices as being influenced by
some kind of love or emotional feeling. Instead, it’s
more likely that our choices are being strongly
influenced by a neurochemical, that requires
clearheaded discernment.
BROKEN BONDING HELPS
EXPLAIN ADOLESCENT
DEPRESSION
According to a national survey on teen health, those who
were sexually active were 3 times more likely to be
depressed than those who were abstinent.
Suicide is attempted more often by sexually active teens than
those who have not had sex;
3 times more often by girls
8 times more often by boys
1. Hallfors DD. Am J Prev Med 2005
2. Rector RE, et al. The Heritage Foundation 2005
What science is now showing us is that slow healthy
progression in a relationship strengthens the brain cell
connections associated with “attachment”, helping to ensure the
permanence of the relationship that finds its healthiest
expression with sexual consummation in marriage.
WHAT I AM NOT
TELLING YOU
STEPS OF INTIMACY
1. Eye to Body
2. Eye to Eye
3. Voice to Voice
4. Hand to Hand
5. Hand to Shoulder
6. Hand to Waist
7. Face to Face
8. Hand to Face
9-15 Final Steps: Intensely Intimate— Reserved for
Marriage!
FOUNDATIONS OF A
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Sex
Commitment/
Marriage
Trust
Similar Expectations/Ambitions
Honoring Boundaries
Similarities in Backgrounds
Being Friends
Shared Values
Shared Experiences
Dating
Talk
FIRE ANALOGY
WHO SAYS IT’S OK TO
HAVE SEX BEFORE
MARRIAGE?

What is the motivation?
WHO ADVISES YOU TO
WAIT?

What is the motivation?
FREEDOMS YOU CAN ENJOY BY
SAYING “NO” TO SEX AND
“YES” TO RELATIONSHIPS!
Physical
Intellectual
Emotional
Social
Spiritual
Financial
LIKE TO HAVE A FRESH
START?