Transcript Emotion in Families

Chapter 6:
Emotion in Families
• Emotional intelligence
• Emotion-Coaching
• Male/Female: Different emotional styles
• Biological differences
• Positive/Negative affect and marriage
• Emotional extremes
• The abusive personality
•Nurturing healthy emotional connections
• Murray Bowen
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• Review: Determinants of Emotional Makeup (from
previous chapter)
• Three things to examine
• 1. Emotional philosophy
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Emotion-dismissing
Emotion-disapproving
Laissez-faire
Emotion-coaching
• 2. Emotional history: love & affection, anger, sadness,
& fear.
• 3. Emotional vulnerabilities: loss, betrayal,
mistreatment, abuse, trauma – creates sensitivities
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Emotions
• Can a couple create a healthy emotional climate?
• Success depends on how couples handle the
emotional part of their lives.
• Can they be emotionally __________?
• What is emotional intelligence?
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Emotional Intelligence
• Has __________________. Can monitor
feelings, knowing from moment to moment their
emotional experience
• Deals with emotions in _________ ways – ways
that are _____________________
• Uses emotions as ________________
• Reads the emotions of others. Is sensitive to
other’s feelings, shows _______
• Knows how to manage emotions so relationships
_______
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• Why is it so difficult to manage emotions
in the home?
• 1. Strong feelings
• 2. Close proximity
• 3. Husband/wife differences
• 4. Parent/child differences
• 5. Lack of _______ / poor
training/unhealthy childhood experiences
• Some parents are emotion coaches.
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 Are aware of child’s ________. Empathize with
child’s feelings even in low intensity sit.
 Times of emotional expression- opportunities for
__________________
 Sensitively _____ to child’s emotional expression
and are __________
 Help child find appropriate words for _______
emotions
 Help child ______________ and ____________
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Male/Female
Different Emotional Styles
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By 2nd grade boys/girls play apart
Boys – aggressive games
Girls: quieter games, intimacy/talk important
Boys: disagreements don’t stop game.
Girls: interact, share feelings & intimate
experience
• Disagreements - game may stop
• Girl hurt – friends give support
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Girls:
Share feelings and intimate experiences
Boys suppress emotions
Girls – better at expressing feelings and
navigating emotional waters
• Males see emotional expression as weakness.
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Biological Differences
• ______ more difficulty recovering from highly
emotional experiences
• _______ recover more quickly, perhaps cry or talk
things out
• Research: __________ heart rate and blood pressure
elevate more quickly, rise higher, and stay elevated
longer in response to marital conflict
• Leads to ____________________________
• Wife’s response …
• Difference may originate in autonomic NS
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Positive/Negative Affect (Emotion) in
Marriage
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Concept of steady state/thermostat
the __ to __ ratio in healthy conflict discussion
Unhealthy marriages - ratio more like __ to __
Remember: Couples gravitate to their
__________
• What influences where thermostat is set? It is…
• what partners bring to interaction –sometimes this
is called ________.
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What partners bring …
• Feelings/memories relating to ______________ with
spouse (+/-)
• Feelings/thoughts/learnings originating in other past
experiences- not marriage related: childhood, work, etc.
• How interaction will go depends on…
• what each spouse brings to the interaction
• Partners headed for divorce …bring
• more ________ affect to interactions
• Stable couples influence toward ________
• Unstable couples influence toward _________
• Escalation of negativity (Gottmann)
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Other differences between stable/unstable
couples . . .
• Stable couples: hear and respond positively to
_____________. Correct the imbalance
• Unstable couples did neither. Although they too
made repair attempts
• What determined whether repair attempts were
successful?
• What partners _______ to the interaction
• If they brought strong, marital _________ and
______ repair worked.
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Apathetic Marriages:
When Emotions Go Dead
• Absence of positive affect - emotionally dead
• Suppressed negativity that hides tension and
sadness
• Do not even seem to be friends
• Lead parallel lives
• No attempt to soothe each other
• Don’t feel entitled to their complaints
• Determined to adapt
• Why stay together?
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Violent Marriages: Emotions Out of
Control/Domestic Violence
• Jacobson and Gottman’s research . . .
• The cobras and the pit bulls
• Cobras in conflict discussion – immediate _____ but
lowered _________, hostile/violent in other settings,
encouraged partner’s ____________, shunned _______
• Pit bulls: ________ anger and heart rate increased;
insecure, jealous, isolate & attempt to control wives
• Both types refused to be _________ by their wives &
• wives could not easily predict when abuse would occur.
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The Abusive Personality
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Three types of batterers (Dutton)
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2.
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The over-_________ abuser
The psychopathic abuser (cobras)
The cyclical/emotionally volatile abuser (pit bulls)
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3 cyclical phases for c/e. v. abuser (Walker)
1.
Tension-_______ phase – aversive arousal-the ____
tape, projects _____ on wife- her fault
Acute battering phase – goal to terrify and humiliate,
wife is __________, release of pent up tension is
pleasurable, ________, p. 178
Contrition phase – often seek to _____; wife now
referred to as wonderful - ________ figure
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3.
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Characteristics of c/e.v. …
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Symptoms: _____ – sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety,
hypersensitive, numbing to past
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Dutton research about home background:
1. Cold, harsh, abusive, violent father who _______ child –
belittling, attacking a person for being a person
2. Mother not providing nurturance for secure _________
3. Direct experience of emotional and physical abuse in the home
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A Word of Caution, p.182
Abusers could not _____________ (a.i.) from wives; must be
in control. Gottman wondered:
In non-violent marriages is inability to a. i. by husbands
predictive of divorce?
Finding: refusal to a. i. & escalating negativity by husbands
greatly increased likelihood of divorce.
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Nurturing a Healthy Emotional Connection
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The bid – an attempt to connect __________ with
your partner
Ways of responding to bids:
1.
2.
3.
Turning ______ partner/positive response to bid
Turning _______ partner/sarcastic, hostile, derogatory
Turning _____ from partner/ ignore, being preoccupied
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Behaviors that build emotional connections:
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Positive attention rather than inattention
Soft ______ rather than harsh startup, ( p.186)
Complaints rather than ________, (p. 186)
Take a break when flooding occurs
Be positive—look for good
Don’t avoid certain conversations
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Other Advise
1. Understand personality in relation to
emotions/Panksepp-emotional command
centers: C-in-C, Nest-builder, Sensualist
2. Understand how past influences present
3. Learn communication skills
4. Discover dreams and find shared
meanings in rituals (we-ness).
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Bowen Theory
• Murray Bowen
• Two opposing and powerful forces:
 The push toward ________ (to be separate)
 The push to be _________________________
Differentiation: 1) to develop a healthy individual
____, separate from others and
2) an ability to separate intellect from _______.
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High Differentiation
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Able to separate intellect from
emotion
Able to pull back in emotional
situations and use intellect
Have strong sense of identity and a
solid self - secure
Can become emotional but does so
by choice
High Fusion
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Easily overwhelmed by their
emotional system
Emotions take over
Cannot differentiate intellect from
emotion
Trouble differentiating themselves
from others - insecure
Intrusive and overbearing in close
relationships
Note: Differentiation relates to a person’s ability to
 Separate intellect from emotion
 Develop an individual self separate from others.
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• Distinction between basic fusion/differiation
and functional f/d
• Basic f/d –____-term, ability to break away
(differentiate) from _____________
• Functional f/d – is _______ specific and
_____ term; emotions dominate (out of
control emotionally)
• What is your basic level of f/d?
• What is your functional level of f/d?.
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The Family - an Emotional System
• Emotional tone: Positive/negative:
healthy/unhealthy
• If emotional tone unhealthy – child has trouble
differentiating a solid self
• Bowen: members get ______ into the family’s
emotional system like a magnetic field
• Multigenerational transmission principle
• What creates emotional tone? Examples.
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1. One person wants to control
2. Someone in family is hostile,aggressive
3. Unhealthy family rules
4. The Brice family - it just happens,
perhaps because of the tension in spousal
relationship and inappropriate rules
• Remember, positive ET –healthy outcomes;
negative ET – unhealthy outcomes
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Separateness and Togetherness in
Couple Relationships
• How similar are partners in desire for
separateness/togetherness?
Continuum
Togetherness
Separateness
Fusion
Differentiation
Individuation
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Disharmony in Separate/Togetherness
1) One partner accommodates to relieve ______
and preserve harmony
2) Both partners may resist ___________ - live in
conflictual relationship
3) Partners may _______ emotionally, disengage
4) Both partners may __________
Each of these may have limitations,
• leading to frustration, resentment, emotional
distance, even more tension
• Chronic anxiety –
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• Uneasiness exists for long periods of time
• Like termites eating away at the structure of
a house
• Principle: When chronic anxiety exists,
family members struggle to _____
• One way of adapting - the ________
triangle (triangling).
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• Triangle - created when two parts of a
family system are in ______
and they focus on something else (triangle
in) as a way of gaining ________________
problem
• What can be triangled in?
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Friedman’s Laws of Emotional Triangles
1. A conflictual relationship is kept in
balance by the way a third party relates to the
two person dyad
2. If one is the third party, it is usually not
possible to bring about constructive change
in the relationship
3. Attempts by the third party to change the
conflicted pair are usually not only
ineffective, but often make things worse.
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4. When the third party tries to change the
other two, he/she ends up with the stress
5. Change is always resisted by homeostatic
forces in the system
6. One side of the triangle is always more
conflictual than the other
7. We can only change relationships to
which we belong.
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Some Suggestions Regarding Triangles and
Fusion
• Find ways to avoid chronic anxiety by dealing
with long term resentments,anger
• Deal with unfinished business
• Ask: Do rules need to be changed?
• Avoid triangling if possible
• If you are not fairly well differentiated get help
in dealing with insecurities and with the
development of a strong sense of self.
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