Transcript Bake Session 1 - H. Norman Wright

H. Norman Wright
The parents as well as three siblings of a
twenty-three-year-old woman came in
for grief counseling. All were neat, well
dressed and fairly quiet. The parents
were first to speak about their daughter.
They began with a description which
characterized her as a quality young
woman, their first born in the family. She
was gifted in every area of her life and
had a bright future ahead of her.
The parents went into great detail about
her abilities and accomplishments,
stopping every now and then because of
their inability to talk. Often all five were
in tears. Two weeks prior she and her
seven-month old unborn child and her
mother-in-law were driving on a freeway
when a truck struck and killed all of
them. Since that time every member of
this family has been struggling.
Questions
1. How would you begin this session? Describe
your exact words.
2. What would be your goal in this initial session?
3. What would you say or ask to engage the three
siblings?
4.What would you want them to take away from
this session in a tangible way?
5. Based on this information identify all the
possible grievers.
6. What are the factors which contribute to this
loss being a complicated grieving process?
1. After greeting each person I would validate the
fact they have experienced a great loss in their
life. If I didn’t know already I would ask the
name of the daughter as well as the mother-inlaw and whenever I made reference to either I
would use their name rather than refer to them
in a general way. One of the first questions I
ask is, “Tell me about
(the
daughter) and have each of the family respond.
Too often children are left out of the
interaction. After each has responded my
next question is, “Would you describe for
me what the last two weeks has been
like” so each has a chance to tell their
story. Within this I often ask how they
heard the news and to describe their
reaction.
2. My goal is to have them tell their story
and then normalize for them what they
are experiencing and educate them about
grief and what to expect in the future
(using the handout on the “Crazy
Feelings of Grief”). I’d also want to find
out about their support system as well as
giving some suggestions to eliminate the
pressure of other individuals.
I also mention that each of them may grieve
in a different way and with a different
intensity. That’s all right and it’s not a
sign that the other person doesn’t care if
their grief is less intense. I ask, “How can
the other family members support you at
this time?”
3. Some of the questions directed toward
the parents could be asked of the
siblings. I also let everyone know that I
would be willing to meet with each one
individually. One reason for this is the
deceased was described as a “special
gifted” individual but was she in the eyes
of the siblings? Sometimes even in the
initial session I ask for a favorite memory
from siblings.
Some may have a mixture of feelings. At
some point I would ask the parents and
siblings alike if there was any unfinished
business or issues between them and the
deceased or if there was something they
wished they could have said to her
before she died. If so, I would suggest
writing a detailed letter and reading it
aloud at the place of internment.
4. I would like each one to believe there
will be help for all of them during the
months and years ahead of them. Any
suggestions or recommendations made
need to be put in writing such as the list
of “Crazy Feelings of Grief,” etc. I would
give each one a copy of Experiencing Grief
as well, and suggest they read it when
they’re ready.
I also let them know that it is normal not to
remember what they read at this time. I
send home a DVD called Tear Soup and
ask them to watch this together.
5. There are two other family members who
were lost as well. It would be easy to
ignore them and gloss over this loss. I
would ask about them as well as the
effect this loss is having. For the parents,
the loss is a grandchild which is major.
The possible grievers would include aunts,
uncles, cousins, friends, fellow workers,
pastors, church, ob gyn, husband’s
family, grandparents, truck driver, and
similar group of individuals. It’s
important to consider who will minister
to them and how.
One of our tasks is to identify neglected
grievers and reach out to them as well.
Sending or giving them Experiencing Grief
as well as making available copies of Tear
Soup has been helpful.
6. Not only was this a sudden death but it
was multiple tragedy involving
someone’s child and unborn grandchild.
There could be the possibility of legal
complications because it was a vehicular
accident. The way in which the
notification was made could be a factor
as well. (Refer to the section on sudden
death for additional information).
G: Sometimes I, even now I feel myself
smiling when I’m talking about it and it’s
just like a cover up. I can feel it in my gut.
N: So you’re smiling on the outside but on
the inside there’s still tremendous pain.
G: There is…
N: I’m wondering, I guess I’m wondering
have you really said goodbye to Harold
and Tommy.
G: No… (crying, dabbing eyes). No (quietly).
N: This really is a very sensitive area.
G: I just feel really bad for them because their life
was so rough and then they didn’t get a chance
to straighten it out. (sniffle) I’m sorry.
N: It’s all right (quietly). In addition as to what
you just said about them the other factor is you
blame yourself. I should have been able to get
them straightened out.
G: For some reason I really feel like, “I should,
the shoulds, I should have been there.”
N: Georgianna, who has put that responsibility
on you. Do you have other people who have
said that or is it your owned heightened sense
of responsibility?
G: I think it’s probably it’s just my own sense of
responsibility. When I was young and my
parents divorced almost instantly I started
taking care of myself. And my father was out
of the picture and I think it’s something I
acquired along the way. I could understand
things more than my sisters could. I was
more forgiving. I just adopted the feeling that
I was stronger and I could take care of them.
N: And could it be that part of the reality that no
matter what you did and what you suggested
Harold and Tommy still might have continued
to go their own way?
G: I think so…yeah. I don’t think it really didn’t
matter what I said. It was just the fact to be
there. I felt obligated.
N: The tension that we’ve got here is on one hand,
“I really couldn’t have helped,” but the feeling
is overwhelming of “I should have.”
G: Yeah.
N: And the struggle is how do we let loose of that
having it’s hold on you.
G: That’s what I need to know.
N: What do you think might work? What’s your
sense?
G: I’m not sure. Maybe just take it to the Lord and
saying goodbye like you said. I haven’t really
done that. And not holding on – I have a
tendency to hold on to things. And that’s
probably the biggest deal right there. I just
need to let go and move on.
N: If you were to let go, what would that say?
G: It would say I would probably start thinking
that I probably never cared at all. (laughter)
N: Classic.
G: Why is that?
N: That’s the fear. That’s the fear that many
people have. If I say goodbye, if I let go and if I
move on in my life could it mean that I didn’t
love them as much as I thought I loved them.
Does it mean that I didn’t care as much? And
it’s the struggle that so many go through, but
they are able to come to the place where they
say no, that has nothing to do with my care for
them, my love for them. It just means that my
emotional memory is moving more towards a
historical memory and they will not be
forgotten, my love will always be there. But I
have freedom now.
N: I’m wondering if at some point in time it
would be good to be able to say goodbye to
that sense of responsibility.
G: I would love that. I would absolutely love to
not think that I have to be responsible for
everybody.
N: That’s a hard burden to carry feeling, “I’m
responsible for my entire family.”
G: Yeah, yeah you’re right. Especially, when I’m
the youngest.
N: I’m wondering if at some point in time it
would be good to be able to say goodbye to
that sense of responsibility.
G: I would love that. I would absolutely love to
not think that I have to be responsible for
everybody.
N: That’s a hard burden to carry feeling, “I’m
responsible for my entire family.”
G: Yeah, yeah you’re right. Especially, when I’m
the youngest.
N: It’s kind of a burden.
G: Yeah. I think so.
N: Well the goodbye aspect, I want to bring that
back to Harold and Tommy. Because after
you’ve written and processed this story I’m
wondering what you would think about
writing a goodbye letter to each one.
G: I could do that.
N: Now were they cremated or buried?
G: No they are buried out in Arvin, under a tree
next to each other. I went out there a couple of
times, but it wasn’t to say goodbye. It was to
talk to them to get some strength in an area
that I was in, in my life. And that’s it. It’s been
over 20 something years and I’ve only been out
there twice.
N: How do you feel about going back?
G: I think now after talking with you I may go
back. I may go back with my letters and spend
a little bit of time and let some stuff go so I can
move on and live my life.
N: So you’re thinking of reading the letters there?
G: I’m thinking maybe yeah. Yeah, I think that
may be healing.
N: Something other people do and I don’t know if
you’d be comfortable with this, but sometimes
they will write the letter and then they’ll put it
in plastic cover and after they’ve read it they
symbolically leave it there. They have it
laminated and just leave it as a means of saying
goodbye.
G: At the grave?
N: At the gravesite.
G: I was thinking that as you said that.
N: I know a few minutes ago I heard you say you
have a concern about family members knowing
about some of this, but it’s pretty doubtful.
G: Doubtful. My dad’s not able and my sisters
don’t go out there. I think it will work.
N: Something to keep in mind is that for some
folks doing it once is sufficient but for others
they may have to repeat it again and again. But
at least you’re facing the issue and doing
something about it. But in a sense, you’ve
allowed it to have a hold on you all these years.
G: I can feel it, I can feel it right now, I’m tense in
my body just talking about it and it has.
N: Since you’ve mentioned it and brought that
up. There’s a tension in you right now.
G: I can feel it right now.
N: On a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being no tension just
totally relaxed and a 10 being really wired,
where would you be.
G: I am probably about a 9, I feel like I have a box
of rocks on my back.
N: That’s quite an apt description.
G: I can feel it all on my shoulders just talking
about it.
N: I’d like to do something right now that you can
do on your own. I’d like you to breathe in and
do it for about 2 ½ seconds and then I will have
you breathe out. So let’s do it now Inhale,
exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale,
exhale, and inhale, exhale.
G: Breathing slowly.
N: Now on the same scale of 0-10 where might
you be at this point?
G: I’m probably at about a 5, my chest is
loosening up my shoulders are relaxing.
N: So in just about 20 to 30 seconds you’re able to
breathe more.
G: It’s not as heavy.
N: Okay.
G: Just getting that breath, that life in there.
N: Is this what usually occurs when you start
thinking about your brothers? There’s that
heaviness and tension.
N: And maybe you could rate it on your own on
the scale of 0 to 10 and see where it is.
G: I’ really relaxed right now, it’s really coming
down.
N: That’s one thing to discover is I don’t have to
stay this tense – there are things I can do to
lower this.
G: I feel really relaxed right now and I wasn’t. It’s
better. Wow.
N: Being that tense what sort of message does that
say to you. What does that say to you?
G: I felt closed up. I felt maybe frightened and
didn’t realize it. I was closed up. It was almost
Withdrawn didn’t want to face it. Like I was
shutting down, didn’t want to face it.
N: Could that be what you have been doing for
the past 20 years.
G: I would imagine so in a lot of areas in my life.
N: So your response to the deaths of Tommy and
Harold, have constricted you in some way.
N: It sounds like you are walking on egg shells in
a way.
G: My whole life, my whole life.
N: How has that felt?
G: Not good. Not good at all. I fel like I have to
put a reason out there for the things I do or the
things I don’t do. I don’t get it. I just feel it. My
sister from Cincinnati that wall is broken a little
bit with her. I don’t know if it ever will be with
my other family members. I just don’t know.
N: A few minutes ago you talked about that box
of rocks on your back and how tense you were
feeling. And I just wondering if that doesn’t
happen when you interact with your family.
G: It does. It very much does. It will happen when
there’s a family gathering. They don’t happen
very often. Instead of sitting and just talking
with everybody I just sit off to the side.
N: I guess I’m hearing a fear.
G: Yeah, it is a fear.
N: What is the fear?
G: I just can’t be who I am. I am a more forgiving
person. I just want to live my life, I just have
things I want to do in my life and it may not be a
big money thing, and my family why am I doing
all my schooling, why am I doing what I’m
doing and they
N: And you’re afraid to just show and tell them,
“Here I am.”
G: Yeah. Yeah.
N: And if you were to do that your fear is they
wouldn’t like you, wouldn’t accept you,
wouldn’t understand?
G: It’s probably acceptance. They don’t get me, I
don’t get them.
N: In your heart and mind have you ever given
them permission to.
G: Explain that to me. What do you mean?
N: There are certain people in our lives that we
just want to like us, accept us and understand,
but they never will. But we just keep trying and
caring and trying. It’s like going up against a
brick wall. It never works.
G: Yes. I just came across that quote yesterday, If
you’re doing something and it’s not working
and it’s repetitive you have to go a different
direction. You have to go a different direction.
N: If in your heart and mind you said I wish they
would just accept me and understand me, but
chances are pretty good that maybe they won’t.
but if they don’t I release them, I relinquish the.
I am accepted in God’s sight, I am loved by
God I can move on from there.
G: I think that would be great. I think it might
bring me closer to them.
N: I might be wrong. I’m just sort of sensing that
you’ve not let them see who you really are and
what you want to do.
G: No because everybody has always had what
they wanted me to be what they wanted me to
do.
N: So you’ve tried to perform for them.
G: You’re right. I’ve tried to keep up the persona
of what they wanted me to do, but it did not do
me any good. It led me down a lot of wrong
roads.
N: So you’ve tried that and you know the results of
that. So you really don’t have much to lose by going
this other way.
G: No, no. And family is really important to me. So it’s
really much more important to let it go and be.
N: You might discover a new freedom.
G: A freedom. It sounds wonderful because I feel like
I’ve been bound for so long.
N: Do you have any thoughts on how you might do
this?
G: No. other than just … Whatever comes up. Just be
there.
G: Yeah, I believe so. When mom passed a couple of years
ago it started bringing the family a little closer, in her
passing and that’s part of it everybody kind of for a
moment laid down everything they were displeased
with. Everyone started bonding. it hasn’t come easy, but
I see it happening. But you’re saying I was holding on to
stuff. Mom’s death, if you can die with dignity I see that
in my mother, even though I’m sad to see her go I never
saw so much dignity from a woman in my life to handle
the cancer she had. On her deathbed I saw so much
amazing stuff and I released we all took from that
woman go be with her Savior.
N: It’s like she taught you how to die.
G: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh she did.
N: That’s quite a legacy she left to you.
G: It’s been Of course I came to see you right after
it happened. I was driving off curbs and stuff.
it will never be the same. Disease and stuff you
know and one day I will get to see her and tell
her.
N: As you talk about I hear more of a peace about
her than Harold and Tommy.
G: I wondered some times, if mom would come
up if it would be a pain in my life. The dignity
that she’s shown me and the strength. And I
got to be right there next to her. If that was
anything that I had to share with anybody that
there can be an amazing amount of peace when
someone goes, even though you have losses
and heartache she always said I still want to
run this family when I’m gone. Mom’s doing
that. She’s still handling her business. I think in
some ways she’s able to give more now that
she’s not hurting, than when she was here and
hurting.
N: So I’m hearing some closure in that situation
there and you’re looking to find some closure
with Harold and Tommy.
G: Yeah, that’s still stuck with me. I didn’t know
what was going to come up this morning.
That’s a tool.
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How are you doing?
Be compassionate as your Father is
compassionate,” Luke 6:36
There is a expression in the Gospels that
appears only twelve times and is used
exclusively in reference to Jesus or his
Father. That expression is “to be moved
with compassion.”
There’s a risk – Compassion Fatigue
Emotionally drained by caring too much.
Stress resulting from wanting to help a
person.
Part of being human is the ability to be
affected by the people and circumstances
of our lives.
1. We are vulnerable to secondary stress. We
have already noted that the literature
suggests that trauma therapists often
manifest symptoms similar to their client.
The research says if you sit with trauma
long enough, it will traumatize you too.
2 We are vulnerable to spiritual struggles. Not
only can therapists demonstrate
symptoms of secondary stress disorder,
they can also reflect their clients’
struggles to hold simultaneously the
reality of evil and suffering with the
eternal truth of a loving and sovereign
God.
If you do not ask questions, then its
doubtful that you have truly entered into
the other’s suffering. However, such
questions easily lead to wondering
whether or not God is good, whether or
not he is love.
3. We may find our voice silenced. Our voice
can be silenced when feelings become
numb and we make an effort to avoid
certain thoughts and activities. Voice can
be silenced when we must carry intense,
difficult material alone because of the
need for confidentiality and the absence
of anyone with which to debrief. Voice
can be stilled by thoughts such as, No-one
believes this anyway.
4. We may feel isolated. Isolation occurs when a
counselor or pastor experiencing PTSD shows
diminished interest in normal activities or
begins detaching from others.
5. We may feel powerless. We were meant to have
influence, to create, to govern. We were not
intended to be invisible, helpless people who
leave no mark. However, trauma therapy can
overwhelm us with feelings of helplessness.
Dr. Diane Langberg
“All praise to the God and Father of our
Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of
every mercy and the God who comforts
us. He comforts us in all our troubles so
that we can comfort others. When others
are troubled, we will be able to give them
the same comfort God has given us.”
2 Cor. 1:7, NLT
-Emotionally drained by caring too much
-Stress resulting from wanting to help a
hurting person
-Emotional contagion
-Burnout emerges gradually
-Compassion Fatigue can emerge
suddenly—also involves a sense of
helplessness and confusion
Four Reasons This Happens
Empathy
Trauma in our life – unresolved trauma
Children’s trauma
Mission failure—“I didn’t help them.”
Prevention
-Balance in your life
-Your thought life
-What you talk about
“So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued
doing good. At the right time we will
harvest a good crop if we don’t give up,
or quit.”
Gal. 6:9, The Message
“So when Moses’ father-in-law saw all that
he did for the people, he said, “What is
this thing that you are doing for the
people? Why do you alone sit, and all the
people stand before you from morning
until evening?’”
Ex. 8:14, NKJV
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A sense of being lost and uncertain due
to feeling as if God has abandoned them
A lack of desire to seek intimacy with
God through prayer
A sense of apathy regarding pursuing a
righteous life
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A loss of a sense of thankfulness and
hope
A lack of comfort and support from
reading and meditating on the Scriptures
A sense of apathy to continue
relationships with fellow faith members
1. Loss produces an ache, sadness and an
emptiness.
2. Crisis throws us off balance and into a
state of panic and disequilibrium.
3. Trauma is a wounding.
0
First Memory
Disneyland
3
4
5
7
8
10
New
School
Grandpa
Died
Hamster
Died
Broken Arm
Couldn’t Play Soccer
First Memory
0
3
4
5
Hamster
Died
Grandpa
Died
Couldn’t Go
To Grandpa’s
Cabin
Wasn’t Allowed
To Attend Funeral
New
School
Lost Toys
Grandpa
Gave Her
10
Broke
Arm
A Boy She
Liked
Doesn’t
Like Her
Two Friends
Stopped
Calling
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this
is amazingly accurate. Read the full
description before looking at the picture.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins
in it. It was used in a case study on stress
levels at St. Mary’s Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the
water. The dolphins are identical. A
closely monitored scientific study
revealed that, in spite of the fact that the
dolphins are identical, a person under
stress would find differences in the two
dolphins. The more differences a person
finds between the dolphins, the more
stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find
more than one or two differences you
may want to take a vacation.
1. Real
or Material
First loss as a child
Many are replaceable which could
mask the grief reaction
2. Abstract
—Love —Hope —Ambition —
Control – Loss of Face
3. Imagined or Perceived
We think…the other no longer loves
us
Elderly woman complains children
have abandoned her – Expectations
We also grieve for something
that we never had and never
will have. This represents
our perceived failure to
bond.
Examples are the relationships
never to be had with an
alcoholic mother or a brother
who died in a war, an
education never acquired, the
dream of a lifestyle never
achieved.
A company’s financial
reverses and the resultant
changes often contribute
directly to the loss of
dreams not only for the
employees but also for the
families affected.
4. Relationship Loss
The end of an opportunity to
relate—death, divorce, moving, end
of friendship
5. Intrapsychic
Loss
Losing an image of oneself
Losing what “might have been”
Death of a dream
Loss of Face - Shame
Questions to ask:
“Has the way in which you view yourself
changed recently?”
“Could it be that a dream you had or
some plans have gone by the wayside?”
6. Functional Loss
 Muscular or neurological function –
sight, hearing, coordination, body part,
memory,
 Diagnosis
 Disability – Chronic Illness
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God grant me the senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
7. Role Loss
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Retirement, transfer, promoted, demoted,
graduation
8. Systemic Loss – Child leaves home;
fellow-worker;
family from your church; pastor leaves
Questions to ask:
 “Has any significant person left your life
or group recently?”
9. Threatened Loss
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Biopsy “I’m thinking of divorcing
you.” downscaling, lawsuit,
terrorism, hurricane, tornado, floods
10. Ambiguous – 2 Main Types
Variations
 Deployment, adoptee’s search for
parents, MIA, The World Trade Center,
strike, Alzheimer’s – Abortion
 Childhood abandonment – Physical &
Emotional – The loss of childhood from
physical and/or sexual abuse – Family
member in jail, Chronic illness
Questions to ask:
“Is there any kind of loss that you’ve
experienced that doesn’t make sense or
you can’t seem to get any closure over?”
Ambiguous loss is the most devastating –
Why?
1. The loss is confusing – doesn’t make
sense and you can’t problem-solve.
2. You can’t adjust to the loss so the
family freezes in place.
3. Family is denied the rituals that support
a real loss.
4. It reminds you that life isn’t fair.
11. Disenfranchised Grief
…the grief that persons experience when
you incur a loss that is not or cannot be
openly acknowledged, publicly
mourned, or socially supported.
Three types of Disenfranchised Grief:
The relationship is not recognized
The loss is not recognized.
The griever is not recognized.
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friend
provider
handyman
cook
lover
bill payer
gardener
laundry person
companion
 confidante
 sports partner
 mentor
 checkbook balancer
 prayer partner
 mechanic
 source of inspiration or
insight
 identity
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teacher
motivator
counselor
business partner
protector
errand person
organizer
encourager
 in-law support
 couple’s class
 financial adjustment
 social adjustment
 feeling of safety
• tax preparer
• couple friends
1. The capacity to cope is diminished as the
shock overwhelms the person at the
same time additional stressors are added.
2. The loss doesn’t make sense, and can’t be
understood or absorbed.
3. Sudden loss or sudden death usually
leaves the survivor with a sense of
unreality that may last a long time.
4. Symptoms of acute grief and of physical
and emotional shock persist for a
prolonged period of time.
5. Sudden loss or death fosters a strongerthan-normal sense of guilt expressed in
“if only…” statements.
6. In sudden loss or death, the need to
blame someone for what happened is
extremely strong.
7. There’s a profound loss of security and
confidence in the world which affects all
areas of life and increases many kinds of
anxiety.
8. Sudden loss or death often involves
medical and legal authorities.
9. Sudden loss or death often elicits a sense
of helplessness on the part of the
survivor.
10. The loss cuts across experience in the
relationship and ends to highlight what
was happening at the time of death, often
causing these last-minute situations to be
out of proportion with the rest of the
relationship and predisposing of
problems with realistic recollection and
guilt.
13. The death tends to be followed by a
number of major secondary losses
because of the consequences of lack of
anticipation.
14. The death can provoke posttraumatic
stress responses.
11. Sudden loss or death leaves the
survivors with many regrets a sense of
unfinished business.
12. In the event of sudden loss or death
there is the need to understand why it
happened. Along with this is the need to
ascribe not only the cause but the blame.
Sometimes God is the only available
target and it is not uncommon to hear
someone say, “I hate God.”
Please forward to cat lovers everywhere
who, like myself, are very concerned
about their hygiene.
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required mount of shampoo to the
toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you
carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put cat in the
toilet and close both lids (you may need
to stand on the lid so he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your
body too close to the edge, as his paws
will be reaching out for any purchase
they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This
provides a “powerwash and rinse”
which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the door to the outside
to ensure that there are no people
between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,
and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the
toilet, and run outside where he will dry
himself.
Anticipation is “to feel or realize
beforehand: foresee. To look forward
or to foresee and fulfill in advance.
Trepidation – “trepitadory grief would
be a closer fit for the kind of grief
people with a life-threatening illness
and their loved ones go through up
until the point where bad days
outnumber the good ones.
Anticipatory grief is not just focused upon a
future loss.
For anticipatory grief to be healthy it’s a
process of starting to grieve the loss of a
loved one in the future without
separating prematurely from them.
Involvement is still important while
recognizing what will occur in the future.
Help them face this.
In what way might you be pulling away?
In what way are you remaining close?
As one person said, “It’s possible to mourn
the future without
in
the present.
Questions to Ask:
1. “What is going on in your mind as you watch
what is occurring?”
2. “What’s the most difficult part of this for you
each day?”
3. “How could others be more supportive of you
at this time?”
4. “Let’s look at some of the losses you’ve already
experienced and how they’re affecting your
life.”
With anticipatory grief, there are three factors
which occur: (1) what occurs within the person;
(2) what occurs between the person and the
dying loved one; (3) what occurs between the
person and the family and friends.
There are four sets of psychological processes and
they overlap. The first one is growing awareness
and
and gradual
accommodation to the loved one’s dying.
The second set of psychological process is
processing the death emotionally
“How would you describe your emotional
response at this time?”
Third are processes or thoughts that go on in the
person’s mind as they await the death.
1. “At a time like this, our mind often goes into
overload with so many thoughts. What’s been
going through your mind?”
2. “What steps have you taken as you prepare for
your life without
?”
The fourth set in this process is planning for the
future.
When a family member dies, the family
balance or unit dies as well. There’s a
hole in the fabric of the family, and not
everyone will realize this. If something
affects one family member, it affects the
others.
Some of the unique problems to consider in the
family system are:
1. How close was each family member to the
dying person? What was the quality of their
relationship or level of attachment?
2. What is the grieving pattern of each person and
what does each know about grief?
3. To what extent does each person want to be
involved with the dying person at this time?
4. How does the expression of grief affect the grief
of other family members?
5. How will the family handle “after death” issues
if there are differences such as what type of
funeral, disposal of remains, type of service,
disposal and disbursement of clothing and
personal affects, photographs shown or not
shown, holidays, anniversaries, etc.
6. What are the specific reasons for the grief of
each family member?
“It doesn’t help to talk about it.”
“You can talk about it, but not with me.”
“We’re doing fine, but thanks for asking.”
“Let’s just move on.”
“If you’re not sharing feelings, you’re not
grieving.”
“Let’s let others help us grieve.”
Peter said, “Beloved, do not think it strange
concerning the fiery trials which try you, as
though some strange thing happened to
you”
(I Peter 4:12, NKJV)
The Message translation puts it in a unique
way: “Friends, when life gets really
difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion
that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad
that you are in the very thick of what
Christ experienced. This is a spiritual
refining process, with glory just around
the corner.”
A Biblical perspective – Purpose of Loss
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you
encounter various trials, knowing that
the testing of your faith produces
endurance, “
James 1:2,3
Consider or Count means:
An internal attitude or heart and mind that
causes the trial and circumstance of life
to affect us either beneficially or
negatively.
Verb tense here means decisiveness of
action – not passiveness.
Could mean "make up your mind to regard
adversities as something to welcome or
be glad" attitude.
Blessed [be] the God and Father of our
Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
sympathy (pity and mercies) and the
God [Who is the Source] of every
consolation and comfort and
encouragement; Who consoles and
comforts and encourages us in every
trouble (calamity and affliction), so
that we may also be able to console
(comfort and encourage) with which
we ourselves are consoled and
comforted and encouraged by God
A. Loss can strengthen our faith.
B. Loss can produce maturity.
C. As we suffer we enter into the suffering
of our Lord and become more Christ-like
D. When you experience loss you will
discover the extent of the comfort of God.
E. God can use what you’ve experienced to
help someone else.
Grief is defined as intense emotional
suffering caused by loss, disaster,
misfortune, etc; acute sorrow; deep
sadness.” The word is derived from a
Latin verb meaning “to burden.”
Mourn is defined as “to feel or to express
sorrow.” Mourning is the expression of
grief.
Bereave means “to leave in a sad or lonely
state, as loss or death.” In Old English
the word meant “to deprive or rob.”
Grief will take longer than you’ve ever
imagined. It tends to intensify at three
months, special dates and the one year
anniversary.
Grief is a journey, a process and there is
resolution. Hear the words of Scripture:
“I weep with grief; my heart is heavy with
sorrow; encourage and cheer me with
your words,” Psalm 119:28, TLB
“Blessed are those who mourn, for the will
be comforted,” Matthew 5:4, NIV
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up
their wounds—curing their pains and
their sorrows,” Psalm 147:3, AMP
“I cried to the Lord in my suffering and he
heard me, he set me free from all my
fears,”
Psalm 34:6, NLT
“For You have delivered me from death,
my eyes and tears, and my feet from
stumbling and falling. I will walk before
the Lord in the land of the living,”
Psalm 116:8-9, AMP
“Then maidens will dance and be glad,
young men and old as well, I will turn
their mourning into gladness; I will give
them comfort and joy instead of sorrow,”
Jeremiah 31:13
“ ‘You will grieve but your grief will turn to
joy,’”
John 16:6
The “crazy” feelings of grief are actually a
sane response to grief. The following
examples are all symptoms of normal
grief:



distorted thinking patterns, “crazy”
and/or irrational thoughts, fearful
thoughts
feelings of despair and hopelessness
out of control or numbed emotions




changes in sensory perceptions (sight,
taste, smell, etc.).
increased irritability
may want to talk a lot or not at all
memory lags and mental “short-circuits”





inability to concentrate
obsessive focus on the loved one
losing track of time
increase or decrease of appetite and/or
sexual desire
difficulty falling or staying asleep




dreams in which the deceased seems to
visit the griever
nightmares in which death themes are
repeated
physical illness like the flu, headaches or
other maladies
shattered beliefs about life, the world,
and even God
When you lie down you shall not be afraid;
yes, you shall lie down and your sleep
shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden
terror and strong, nor of the stormy blast
or the storm and ruin of the wicked when
it comes [for you will be guiltless], For
the Lord shall be your confidence, firm
and strong, and shall keep you foot from
being caught [in a trap or hidden
danger].
Proverbs 3:24-26, AMP
You will not be afraid when you go to bed and
you will sleep soundly through the night.
Psalm 3:5, Good News Bible
If I’m sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours
in grateful reflection. Psalm 63:6, The Msg
When my anxious thoughts multiply within
me, Your consolations delight my soul.
Psalm 94:19
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you
alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8
In a dream, a vision of the night
When sound sleep falls on men,
Then He opens the ears of men,
And seals their instruction. (Job 33:15-16).
Dear God,
We give thanks for the darkness of the
night where lies the world of dreams.
Guide us closer to our dreams so that we
may be nourished by them. Give us good
dreams and memory of them so that we
may carry their poetry and mystery into
our daily lives
Grant us deep and restful sleep that we
may wake refreshed with strength
enough to renew a world grown tired.
We give thanks for the inspiration of stars,
the dignity of the moon and the lullabies
of crickets and frogs.
Let us restore the night and reclaim it as a
sanctuary of peace, where silence shall be
music to our hearts and darkness shall
throw light upon our souls. Good night.
Sweet dreams.
Amen
Michael Leuing
A Common Prayer
The body and mind grieve. It is a full time
job. Often the grief has symptoms that
erupt that imitate the cause of death of
the loved one.
“My mind and body may grow weak – He
is my strength, all I ever need.”
Psalm 73:26
Understanding and using the tasks of grief
as your primary therapeutic approach


Task #1: Recognize and accept that your
loved one has died and is unable to
return.
Task #2: Express all the emotions
associated with the death of your loved
one.



Task #3: Identify, summarize, and find a
place to store the memories of your loved
one which will honor the life of that
person and make room to move on.
Task #4: Identify who you are now,
independent of your prior connection
with your loved one.
Task #5: Reinvest in life as an individual
without your deceased loved one. You
have a new normal.
The way out of grief is through it.
The very worst kind of grief is yours.
Grief is hard work.
Effective grief work is not done alone.
“Mr. Hamster you were a good hamster.
I’m sorry for the times I didn’t clean your
cage. I was mad the time you bit me, but
that’s okay. I wish you didn’t have to get
sick and die. I wanted to play with you
more. I loved you, and I know that you
loved me. Good-bye, Mr. Hamster.”
Apologies – Mr. Hamster, “I’m sorry for the
times I didn’t clean your cage.”
Forgiveness – “Mr. Hamster, you were a
good hamster…I was mad the time you
bit me, but that’s okay.”
Significant emotional statements – “Mr.
Hamster, you were a good hamster. I
wish that you didn’t have to get sick and
die.”
Fond memories - “I loved you and know
that you loved me.”
Multiple Deaths: One death is sufficiently
devastating; dealing with a set of losses
overloads your emotional circuits.
Violent Death from Accident, Suicide, or
Murder: These events are additionally
weighted with overriding concerns about
the possibility of the persons suffering, guilt
over your inability to prevent the death, and
shame about the way it occurred. You may
also have to deal with distractions from law
enforcement and other official agencies.
Questionable Deaths: Not knowing or being
sure about the circumstances can lead to
intense anger and frustration.
Witnessing the Death: While seeing a peaceful,
tranquil death may be of some comfort,
watching a person die leaves a permanent
imprint. The last impression may be all the
more horrific if the death were under
difficult or unusual circumstances.
Discovering the Body: Finding the body is
shocking enough; having to break the
news adds additional trauma.
Hearing the News: Learning of the person’s
death in a callous manner or getting
confusing or dishonest information primes
us for problematic mourning.
Notoriety: Having a loved one die in a way
that generates news coverage means
putting a public face on private grief.
A Body That’s Not Presentable or No Body:
Dealing with a badly damaged body may be
particularly traumatic for a child or teen.
Not being able to view or positively identify
the remains can also produce lingering
doubts.
Secrets Discovered After the Death:
Discovering that the person mourned as
mother was actually grandmother.


There are many burdens to carry in grief,
but one of the greatest is educating others
to the meaning of grief.
The loss we experience doesn’t stay the
same but changes daily, shrinking and
expanding as well as gathering other
unattended losses of our life and
reactivating some which were dormant.
The words of grief are many and varied –
 Apathy – no energy and not caring
 Yearning – for many things including
undoing what was done
 Ache
 It’s been… “Viewing your life in a time
pattern based on how long they’re gone.”
Some individuals are intuitive grievers. For
them:
1. Feelings are intensely experienced. They
want and need to express them.
Some individuals are instrumental grievers.
1. They think of their grief more than feel
it: Feelings are less intense.
What you can say
 Your words
 “Death and life are in the power of the
tongue, and they who indulge it shall eat
the fruit of it [for death or life] Prov.
18:21, AMP
 “A gentle tongue [with its healing
power] is a tree of life” Prov. 15:4a, AMP
“A man has joy in making an apt answer,
and a word spoken at the right moment,
how good it is!” Prov. 15:23, AMP
“A word fitly spoken and in due season is
like apples of gold in a setting of silver”
Prov. 25:11, AMP
“Watch the way you talk… Say only what
helps, each word is a gift”
Eph. 4:29, The Message
Job, having lost all 10 of his children,
laments, “My days have passed, my
plans are shattered, and so are the desires
of my heart” (17:11). He concludes,
“Where then is my hope? Who can see
any hope for me?” (v.15)
Bildad, who probably had never had
training in communications, could not
simply receive Job’s words (18:2). He had
to “correct” Job. Possibly while Job was
lamenting, Bildad was composing a
challenge:
When will you end these speeches? Be
sensible, and then we can talk. Billdad
the Shuhite to Job, Job 18:2
An odd byproduct of my loss is that I’m
aware of being an embarrassment to
everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in
the street, I see people, as they approach
me, trying to make up their minds
whether they’ll “say something about it”
or not. I hate it if they do, and if they
don’t. R. has been avoiding me for a
week.
I like best the well-brought-up young men,
almost boys, who walk up to me as if I
were a dentist, turn very red, get it 0ver
as quickly as they decently can. Perhaps
the bereaved ought to be isolated in
special settlements like lepers.
The three most important steps to take in
helping a person:
1). Listening with your eyes
2). Listening with your ears
3). Listening with your heart
James 1:19: Prov. 18:13
“Everyone must
be quick to hear,
slow to speak….”
(James 1:19, HCSB).
172
I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you.
I know this is very painful for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss (inclusive, rather
than pitying).
It’s harder than most people think.
It’s okay to be angry with God.
It must be hard to accept.
You must have been very close to him/her.
How can I be of help?
Let’s spend some time together.
People really cared for her/him.
I’m praying for you.
You are not alone; I’m here to help you.
I know this must feel like a dream to you.
Tell me how you’re feeling.
I know you will miss him/her.
She/he was very special to you.
I know you are feeling totally overwhelmed
right now.
I’d give anything to be able to make it
better for you, but I know I can’t.
Most people who have gone through this
react just as you are.
Tell me about (decedent’s name) and your
life with him/her.
“Kind of feeling…”
“Sort of feeling…”
“As I get it, you felt that…”
“Sort of a feeling that…”
“If I’m hearing you correctly…”
“To me it’s almost like you are saying, I…”
“Sort of hear you saying that maybe you…”
“I’m not sure I’m with you, but…
“I wonder if you’re expressing a concern
that…”
“Your message seems to be, I…”
“So your world is a place where you…”
“Showing up” – “I had to come.”
“Being” rather than “Doing”
“Listening” rather than “Talking”
Meeting the survivor where they are at
Demonstrating divine silence in which love
rests secure
Providing the Ministry of “Privilege”
Giving a calm, accepting presence
Walking through the pain with another
Preach the Gospel at all times, and use
Words if necessary!
Who you are and its impact on others
Learn to speak the counselees language
style
Counselor: I’ll let you begin where you’re
comfortable, Eve.
Eve: This is a bit of a recent loss. (pause) In
November, November 5th I lost a very, very
close friend. It was from the swine flu. It
was a very sudden loss, unexpected. And
we had recently had a disagreement. So I
blame myself. Somehow I felt responsible,
so that made it harder, because I wasn’t
there to encourage proper medical care and
that sort of thing. (speaking slowly and
softly)
Counselor: So you’re taking on some real
responsibility for this person’s death.
Eve: Yes…yes
Counselor: And what was this person’s
name.
Eve: His name was Warren.
Counselor: Warren
Eve: And they didn’t go to the doctor soon
enough and I felt like that was the reason
that he died. So it’s been very difficult. I
can’t… I know logically I’m not
responsible, but internally I was
thinking, I keep telling myself, “If only
this…” I reenacted making contact in
time to say, “Oh, are you sick? You
should go to the doctor.”
Counselor: So your mind is telling you one
thing, but your heart seems to be
overriding that and you’re taking on that
responsibility? (tentative)
Eve: I am
Counselor: And when you reenact this in
your mind, how does that leave you?
Eve: Oh, I feel terrible. I feel so guilty, I feel
lost and sad. I started to get migraine
headaches. I realized was punishing
myself each time I’d think it.
Counselor: How long did you know
Warren?
Eve: Probably 32 years
Counselor: So it was a long relationship?
Eve: A long friendship…very long
friendship. Very long (voice trails off)
Counselor: And you’re thinking if we
haven’t had this riff then I could have
saved him.
Eve: Right, I had tried to get back in touch but
by then I didn’t know he was sick. I actually
heard about it accidentally. Someone who
knew I knew him said, “You know Warren’s
in ICU how’s he doing?” I said, “Oh, I don’t
know.” I was in shock, I couldn’t believe
he’d had been there for 17 days before I
heard. And he was all alone during his
illness part. So, waited to go to the doctor to
the last minute to go to the doctor and it
was too late.
Counselor: You’re thinking I could have
prevented this from happening.
Eve: Yeah, I think that over and over and
over. And I know he probably wouldn’t
have ever listened to me. He was a very
stubborn person, very stubborn because
his son was living with him and he
wouldn’t listen to anybody.
Counselor: So there were other people who
probably encouraged him to go to the
doctor.
Eve: Probably
Counselor: But he didn’t listen to them.
Eve: Well, actually just his son. He never let
anyone at work know how bad he was, how
sick he was. They just kept thinking he would
be coming back next week. One of his coworkers felt guilty too because she was with
him when she dropped him off and she knew
how sick he was. But she didn’t have the kind
of connection with him that she would call.
Well, she got sick herself from the swine flu.
And it’s been since November, it’s a little
better, but suddenly it will come over me.
Counselor: It’s still heavy on your heart.
Eve: It’s so heavy, it’s so painful
Counselor: But you’re not certain he would
have listened to you.
Eve: No, honestly I know he probably
wouldn’t have. He’s very stubborn about
going to the doctor about anything.
Counselor: Like many men
Eve: Yes, like many men (smiles)
Counselor: But still because of that
connection you just wish, “I could have
done something to help him.”
Eve: I feel so helpless. This is the worst part
though. I never say anything to somebody.
He had sort of a sharp way of saying things.
It was part of him, everybody knew that.
And I never said anything back. And this
one time it was over something stupid. He
made a comment about my car. I carry all
my files. And he made some comment. And
I said, “I don’t ever want to talk to you.” But
it was a lot of things. I said, “I don’t want to
talk to you anymore.” It hurt my feelings.
Counselor: It sounds like it was a build up, it
wasn’t just what happened then.
Eve: So I said, “I never want to talk to you
again.” I didn’t really mean it because I
never say that to anyone. But then I thought
he probably really believes it. So, then I was
afraid to call him back. We didn’t speak
ever again. It was so hard. I feel like he left
the earth thinking that I never wanted to
talk to him again. He was such a good
friend.
Counselor: You had a lot of good times
together.
Eve: We worked in a lot of different places
together. He was a very great person.
Just didn’t like to go to the doctor. I felt
so helpless.
Counselor: It sounds like you still have
some things you’d like to say to him.
Have you written him a letter?
Eve: No, I haven’t. It’s an idea.
Counselor: Do you think it would help?
Eve: Yeah, I think it would.
Counselor: If you were to write it, what
would you do with it?
Eve: Oh, I’d probably would read it out
loud. That would probably help.
Counselor: Where would you read this?
1. Build the relationship – We are selling
something…Hope
2. Help them talk about what they
experienced
Help them tell their own story
Help them face the loss – “Tell me what
happened.”
If your interaction continues ask, “What
were your thoughts or what went
through your mind when this happened?
Talk about thoughts first
You could ask, “What’s the worst part of
this for you?
“What was your reaction to this?”
“What were the feelings all this created?”
3. Safe People
4. Listen – Be sensitive to their personality –
James 1:19; Prov. 18:13
5. It’s what you say and how you say it –
Healing words—Cards:
Early, Middle and Down the Road –
Personalize them
6. Use the Ball of Grief – Normalize –
Educate them about the symptoms of a
crisis
7. Use the Blob Tree
Taken from Talking with Bereaved People
by Dodie Graves –
found on Google Images
8. Use an explanation letter.
Dear Friend, (family, pastor, fellow
workers…)
Recently I have suffered a devastating loss.
I am grieving and it will take months and
even years to recover from this loss.
I wanted to let you know that I will cry
from time to time. I don’t apologize for
my tears since they are not a sign of
weakness or a lack of faith. They are
God’s gift to me to express the extent of
my loss, and they are also a sign that I
am recovering.
At times you may see me angry for no
apparent reason. Sometimes I’m not sure
why. All I know is that my emotions are
intense because of my grief. If I don’t
always make sense to you, please be
forgiving and patient with me. And if I
repeat myself again and again, please
accept this as normal.
More than anything else I need your
understanding and your presence. You
don’t always have to know what to say
or even say anything if you don’t know
how to respond. Your presence and a
touch or hug lets me know you care.
Please don’t wait for me to call you since
sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do
so.
If I tend to withdraw from you, please
don’t let me do that. I need you to reach
out to me for several months. Pray for me
that I would come to see meaning in my
loss someday and that I would know
God’s comfort and love. It does help to
let me know that you are praying for me.
If you have experienced a similar type of
loss, please feel free to share it with me. It
will help rather than cause me to feel
worse. And don’t stop sharing if I begin
to cry. It’s all right, and any tears you
express as we talk are all right too.
This loss is so painful, and right now it feels
like the worst thing that could ever
happen to me. But I will survive and
eventually recover. I cling to that
knowledge, even though there have been
times when I didn’t feel it. I know that I
will not always feel as I do now.
Laughter and joy will emerge once again
someday.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you
for listening and praying. Your concern
comforts me and is a gift which I will
always be grateful for.
9. Bad Days, Good Days
Bad Day, Good Day exercise. Give your
counselee a piece of paper and a pen,
and ask them to divide it into two
columns. At the top of the left hand
column, write ‘When I have a bad day
i…’’ and the top of the right hand
column, write “When I have a good day,
I…”
Ask them to list as many of the things they
experience under each of the headings.
You can use these lists to help them think
about the ways they manage their
bereavement.
You can ask questions like:
“What sort of pattern is there to these
‘days’?”
“How long in between the ‘days’ do you
find there is?”
“What sort of things can send you into a
‘bad day’?”
“How do you get out of a ‘bad day’?”
Take from Dodie Graves, Talking with Bereaved People
10. Use a Grief Recovery Journal.
11. If needed use a “time of crying.”
12. Write 1000 one-liners and the answer
machine.
13. Use the empty chair.
14. Write a letter to your grief
15. Help them say “good-bye.”
16. Rainy Day Letter and Letter from the
Future
17. Use worship to grieve.
18. Don’t put a timetable on your grief.
True: Time can lessen the pain of grief.
False: Time alone DOES NOT heal all
wounds of grief!
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19. Warn them about ambush or triggers
20. Ask if they would like you to pray for
them.