Effective Strength Based Parenting Strategies

Scott Hawkins, Ph.D.

Associate Dean Center for Counseling and Family Studies Liberty University

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and Upbraideth not; and it shall be given unto him. James 1:5

Key Areas to be Addressed

 Emotions  Cognition  Behavior  Spiritual If at all possible, get both Parents on the same page. Create parental goals and a shared vision.

Key: Working together in an integrated, goal directed, collaborative fashion.

Self-Confidence/Exploration Felt security

Secure Base

Caregiver’s Signal Detection Safe Haven Perceived Threat

Attachment System

Signaling

Proximity Seeking

The Effects of Secure Base

Repeated Secure-base interactions create

internalized models of relationships

that are carried forward to new relationship experiences  What to expect  How to behave

Secure Base Effects

Powerful influence on Neurobiology  Emotion-Regulation and Sensory Integration  Language Development  Executive skills —  Initiate (focus & action)  Sustain (focus, effort, positive emotion, & memory)  Inhibit (distractions & impulses)  Shift (focus, effort, & activation)

Attachment Problems

Attachment Problems —failures in the secure base system result in:  Defensive, maladaptive relationship models  Neurobiological failure  Neurocognitive deficits —lagging skills in:  Thinking  Feeling  Relating/communicating  Insecure God Attachment/Spiritual Immaturity

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence refers to an ability to recognize the meanings of emotion and their relationships, and to reason and problem-solve on the basis of them. Emotional intelligence is involved in the capacity to perceive emotions, assimilate emotion-related feelings, understand the information of those emotions, and manage them.

One person’s stress can block the communication process until both people again feel safe and can focus on one another.

Perceiving Emotions

– the ability to detect and decipher emotions in faces, pictures, voices, and cultural artifacts —including the ability to identify one's own emotions. Perceiving emotions represents a basic aspect of emotional intelligence, as it makes all other processing of emotional information possible.

Using Emotions

– the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem solving. The emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his or her changing moods in order to best fit the task at hand.

Understanding Emotions

– the ability to comprehend emotion language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions. For example, understanding emotions encompasses the ability to be sensitive to slight variations between emotions, and the ability to recognize and describe how emotions evolve over time.

Managing Emotions

– the ability to regulate emotions in both ourselves and in others. Therefore, the emotionally intelligent person can harness emotions, even negative ones, and manage them to achieve intended goals.

The elastic: high safety and low stress

The capacity to regulate stress is the

elastic

that provides safety and gives rise to the ability to be emotionally available and engaged. Stress compromises this ability. The first step in communicating with emotional intelligence is recognizing when stress levels are out of control and returning ourselves and our colleagues or partners, whenever possible, to a relaxed and energized state of awareness.

Key: Manage Stress levels when addressing your teen and model emotional intelligence.

The glue: Exchange based on primary emotions

The

glue

that holds the communication process together is the emotional exchange triggered by primary biological emotions that include anger, sadness, fear, joy, and disgust. These emotions, essential for communication that engages others, have often been numbed or distorted by misattuned early relationships, but they can and must be reclaimed and restored.

Key: Attentive, Nurturing, Authentic Parental Interactions

The pulley: wordless communication

Nonverbal communication is the

pulley

of emotionally intelligent language that attracts the attention of others and keeps relationships on track. Eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, gesture, touch, intensity, timing, pace, and sounds that convey understanding engage the brain, influencing others much more than words alone can.

Keys: Help parents “schedule” their conflicts. Remind them that their nonverbal and paraverbal communication is sending a more powerful and lasting message than anything that they say – especially is there is a lack of

Congruency

between the two.

The ladder: pleasure in interactive play

Playfulness and humor, the naturally high

ladder

, enable us to navigate awkward, difficult, and embarrassing issues. Mutually shared positive experiences also lift us up, strengthen our resolve, help us find inner resources needed to cope with disappointment and heartbreak, and give us the will to sustain a positive connection with our work and our loved ones.

Keys: Parents often shut these off by default when confronting their adolescent when they can be the very “Vehicle of change” that they are seeking

The velvet hammer: conflict as opportunity for trust building

The way we respond to differences and disagreements in the home can either create hostility and irreparable rifts or initiate the building of safety and trust —that’s why it’s a

velvet hammer

. The capacity to take conflict in stride and forgive easily is supported by our ability to manage stress, be emotionally honest and available, communicate nonverbally, and laugh easily.

Keys: Keep your “Eyes on the prize” and remember your outcome goals – parenting is a Ultra-Marathon…. not a Sprint.

http://www.jeannesegal.com/pdf/Emotional_Intelligence.pdf

CHAOS PERMISSIVE UNINVOLVED COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM SOLVING A RIGIDITY U T H O R AUTHORITARIAN T I A T I V E “Cells that fire together,

wire together

.” Hebbian Theory

Disruptive Behavior Disorders

Most common referral to community mental health centers For Adolescents Include:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Oppositional Defiant Disorder Conduct Disorder

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Symptoms:  Temper tantrums  Arguing with adults  Questioning rules  Active defiance and refusal to comply with rule  Deliberate attempts to annoy  Touch and easily annoyed  Anger and resentment  Mean and hateful when upset  Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

Complex Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Meets criteria for ODD, Plus:  Executive skill dysfunction  Emotion dysregulation —anger plus other emotions  Relationship disturbances, which includes attachment system  Highly resistant to traditional parenting practices

The Self-Control Pyramid

Self Control Problem Solving Cognitive Flexibility Language Processing/Mindsight Social Skills Emotion Regulation

Motivation and Skills Motivation Skills

Yes Motivation No Yes

Adaptive Maladaptive

Skills No

Maladaptive Maladaptive

Unmet Expectations and Compliance Interactions Preventing explosions while enhancing secure-base and neurocognitive skill development

Compliance Interactions

A great place to Learn, Model, and Practice Secure Base interactions, Emotional Intelligence, Collaborative problem-solving, Conflict management skills, and reduce melt downs

Goals:

1) 2) 3) 4) 5) Take Parent concerns seriously Take Adolescents concerns seriously Reduce challenging behaviors, ….. especially reduce Melt-Downs  Destructive child’s nervous system  CER’s (Conditioned Emotional Responses)  Reinforces insecure relationship models Work on Neurocognitive Skills Improve Secure Base

Three Pathways

Compliance Interaction Pathway A Pathway B Pathway C

Three Pathways in Compliance Interactions

Pathway A —Force Adult Concern

 Advantages  Disadvantages

Pathway B —Collaborative Problem Solving

 Advantages  Disadvantages

Pathway C —Temporarily Dropping Concern

 Advantages  Disadvantages

Collaborative Problem Solving:

E - Empathy A - Assert R – Respect -------------------------- I – Invite C- Collaboration

Empathy

 Listening and understanding adolescents concerns  Helping adolescents articulate concerns  Taking concerns seriously  Empathy is a reciprocal process, so you may try to empathize but if the child does not believe you understand then you have not empathized

Assert

 Define Problem, expressing concern or expectation  Don’t mistake your solutions for concerns or expectations  Appeal to rules as important principles to follow

Respect

 Work at monitoring and managing your own emotion regulation —if too upset, go to pathway C  Non-contingent respect  Never use disrespect as a form of punishment  Avoid global, negative attributions  Remain warm —avoid triggering CER’s

Invite

 Asking child to generate possible solutions  Avoid forcing solutions  Think out loud

Collaboration

 Working with child to come up with workable solutions  Help child use foresight and hindsight  Model flexibility  Model regulation  Model respect  Maintain warmth

Qualities of Good Solutions

 Mutually satisfactory  Do-able  Durable

Back to the pathways

 When to use A  When to use C  Different kinds of C’s, some are better than others  Two kinds of B’s  Emergence  Proactive - timing is everything

Parenting and Mentalization

Use Parent-Child Interaction Questionnaire (Sibcy, 2005) 1) 2) Describe the situation: Beginning, Middle, End Describe behavior (be Specific) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) Interpretations Actual outcome Desired outcome Question: did you get your Desired Outcome?

Remediation Phase

Engaging the Repair Cycle

 Turning conflict into learning (growth opportunity)  Observe what gets in the way (roadblocks)  Carve out quality time to acquire new skills  Motivate yourself everyday (positive attributions)  Prepare for setbacks (worse before better)   Reward yourself Don’t attempt the change without the help and support of others

Emotional Coaching

The Emotion Coaching mindset:  All children are different — “I must adapt my style to my child’s ability…”  Emotional Intelligence requires training more than teaching  Emotion Dysregulation underlies most behavior problems  Reframe behaving badly as skill deficit rather than just a will deficit

Acknowledgements

Special thanks to Dr. Gary Sibcy for his Parent-Child Interaction Model http://www.jeannesegal.com/pdf/Emotional_Intelligence.pdf

Mayer, J.D. & Salovey, P. (1997). What is emotional intelligence? In P. Salovey & D. Sluyter (eds.): Emotional development and emotional intelligence: educational applications (pp. 3-31). New York: Basic Books WWW.Liberty.edu

– digital commons – Scott Hawkins/title of presentation