Transcript The Significant Other: Working With Parents

The Significant Other: Working
With Parents
Hillary Holmes
Itinerant Teacher of the Deaf and Hard of
Hearing
Rainbow District School Board
“There were times that my mother spent the afternoon
writing out words for films and tapes that I was required
to listen to in class so that I could read them later on
when I had to do my homework. Many times I would get
frustrated with the difficulty in comprehending or
understanding some topics, and she’d put up with my
tantrums and drive the information into my head… If I had
to point to the most important moments that ensured my
success, it would be the afternoons with my mother, doing
something I absolutely hated doing. “
George Oberlander Jr.
Director of Syska & Hennessy Engineers (N.Y.)
Profound Hearing Loss
Itinerants are….
The one constant person as a child
progresses through the school system
• The one person who understands hearing
loss
• The person in the middle of parents and
classroom teachers
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Remember…..
Parents are experts on their children
• Parents have a unique commitment to their
children
• Parents are members of the educational
team
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Carolyn Bullard
The Itinerant Teacher’s Handbook
Tips on Meeting with Parents
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Introduce all people at the table.
Be welcoming and inviting.
Speak in clear, easily understood language within a
structured process with defined procedures.
Don’t ask what the parents want – ask what the
child requires.
Model to the parents how to communicate
collaboratively.
Allow sufficient time to talk.
Start with a positive comment.
When you run into conflict, it is sometimes
useful to employ the “broken record”
technique.
• There will never be enough money or
resources – try to accentuate the positive
and don’t complain about lack of support.
This only destroys parents’ confidence in
our abilities.
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Jan Heppner
Special Education Consultant
Supporting Families
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Examine your own belief system about your role in
working with children and families
Expert vs. collaborative role
Parents are central to the educational
development of their child
Acknowledge individual timing of families’
acceptance and management of child’s needs
Carolyn Edwards
2002
Dealing With Angry Parents
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Stay calm
Don’t take it personally
Don’t get defensive
Try to keep communication open
Don’t accept abuse
Restate their concerns in your own words to
clarify the issues
Don’t make promises you cannot keep
Ask open-ended questions
“When the elephants fight, it is
the grass that gets trampled.”
Richard Lavoie
When you meet resistance:
Slow down
• Ask more questions
• Ask different questions
• Listen!
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“Most people do not really listen with the
intent to understand; rather they listen
with the intent to reply.”
Stephen Covey
Building Trust with Parents:
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Listen carefully
Respect confidentiality
Recognize parents as the “expert”
Help parent feel comfortable
Focus on the child you “share”
Keep your promises
Learn rather than teach
Confidentiality
Parents and children sometimes share
surprisingly personal information
• Teachers of the deaf must deal with it
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With respect
With confidentiality
Within a set of boundaries
The Stages of Grieving
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Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Applies to many aspects of life
which involve pain or loss.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross - On Death and Dying
Luterman’s Stages of Grieving:
1. Shock
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Short term
Parents rarely
remember much of
what the doctor or
audiologist says
2. Recognition
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Strong feelings as the shock
wears off
Overwhelmed –too much
information
Confused –too many options
Helpless
Guilt
Need to over-protect the child
Anger
-at the child
-at spouse
-at professionals
- at self
3. Denial
Coping mechanism
• Shopping for cures
and miracles
• Extremely vulnerable
• Angry with doctors
and other
professionals
• Parents become active
in politics of
“deafness” while
avoiding own child
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4. Acknowledgement
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“I have a deaf child
and he will always be
deaf.”
Measured by condition
of child’s hearing aid
Seek professional
counselling
“Come out of the
closet”
5. Constructive Action
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Child offers parents a
chance to grow
Recognition that
deafness is not the
end of the world
Move on with their life
and focus on other
children
Stages of Grieving
from “Counselling Parents of Hearing Impaired
Children” by David Luterman
ISBN 0-316-53750-0
Things to Consider:
Coping with hearing loss is not an overnight
process
• Stages do not follow a specific order
• Life events can throw a parent right back
into the grieving process
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When do parents grieve?
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At diagnosis
At school entry
Transition to high school
Transition to post-secondary education or
workplace
Each time they are confronted with the
differences between their child and same
age peers
Some Insights on Grieving
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You cannot shorten the process of grieving
You cannot take the pain away
You really don’t know what it is like….but
you can show interest and empathy
You cannot “fix” this
Parents need to go through this
Professionalism
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Confine parents’ concerns to the child and
education issues
Recognize that you are not a counsellor
Refer parents to other professionals for other
issues
Part of your role is to encourage parents’
confidence in the school system
Know your limits
Communicating Your Role
Be clear about your role
• Be able to articulate it to parents
• Be able to describe the roles of the
classroom teacher, the SERT, the
interpreter and educational assistants
• Encourage parents to discuss their
concerns with the appropriate people in the
school
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Maintaining Boundaries
Let parents know how and when to get in
touch with you.
• Do not be available 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week…no other teacher is!
• Find the balance between
formal/authoritative and informal/overly
friendly
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Communicating With Parents
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Adjust your language level to meet the needs of
the parents
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Keep it simple
Leave out the “eduspeak”
Communicate with parents in a form they prefer
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Phone
Short notes
In person
Meetings With Parents
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Effective communication is essential to meet the child’s
needs
When parents react with anger or blame don’t take it
personally
Respect cultural differences, backgrounds and economic
levels
Adjust your dress and manner to make parents comfortable
Set a time limit and agenda prior to the meeting
Focus on the child
Ask if there’s anything the parent wanted to add at the end
of the meeting
The Educator’s Goal
Your goal is to develop independence in the
child and in the parent
• Assisting parents to discover their own
solutions is better than giving advice
• Your job is to work yourself out of a job
with the parents
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Thought for the Day
This child is not your child.
This parent is not your friend.
This journey is not yours to make,
But you may walk along for a time.
Hillary Holmes