Transcript Conflict analysis overview - Toronto District School Board

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NEGOTIATING WITH
YOUR TEEN
© RIVERDALE MEDIATION
FEBRUARY 23, 2010
MALVERN COLLEGIATE INSTITUTE
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Some true stories
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Julie and her mom:
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Viola and her dad:
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Garth and his mom
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What is negotiation?
A PROCESS OF DIALOGUE
FOR PURPOSE OF REACHING
AGREEMENT
ON A FUTURE COURSE OF
ACTION ABOUT A DISPUTE
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Why is negotiating with your teen
so difficult Part One: It’s Us!
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Our expectations: things are different now
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Our lives: we are busy and stressed
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We are separated/divorced/blended families
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We are not always comfortable with their technological world
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Why is negotiating with your teen
so difficult Part Two: It’s Them!
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Teenagers say the most ridiculous things: and we must
respect their right to say them. This is hard work.
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Teenagers live in a scary world; they want to come home and
be their “baby-selves”. It is a safe place for them to do that.
This is hard on us.
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Teenagers do not see themselves as we see them; they
honestly do not realize how infuriating they can be. This tries
our patience.
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Teenagers usually behave more badly at home than in the
outside world. This is not fair!
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In other words: it’s really about us!!
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How can we understand them enough to tolerate them (and
not be hurt) ?
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Teenage boys and their parents: Scenario Max & mom
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At this point in their lives, teenage boys need distance from
their parents, especially their mothers. This is very hard to
accept.
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They absent themselves even when present…. Hunh?
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Girls are different…
Girls don’t withdraw… they fight.
Especially with their mothers.
Why? The extra negativism is
needed to deny the strength of
the connection, which is usually
stronger with their moms.
Scenario:
Daughter wanting a ride.
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Parents are:
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To be taken for granted: Scenario with Cheryl/ Lee
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So embarrassing!!! Scenarios
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Not important: friends are everything.
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Can we negotiate with our
teenagers?
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Yes! Provided that you do it within established boundaries;
eg/ curfew, manners, drug use, laundry, whatever rules are
important to you.
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It is important to have rules. You may not be able to enforce
them, they may not work perfectly; but you should have them
all the same.
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Do not respond to defiance; do not get drawn in. State the
rule and exit.
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Make a clear statement: the rule has been broken; such
behaviour is not acceptable; and the rule remains in effect.
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dispute resolution approaches
Three basic approaches:
1. INTEREST BASED:
 Parties decide together based on mutual interests
 Process: exploring and reconciling interests, eg/
mediation.
 Outcome: win-win.
2. RIGHTS BASED:
 3rd party decides based on legal rights and obligations
 Fact finding, “who is right?”, eg/ court, arbitration.
 Outcome: win-lose
3. POWER-BASED:
 “Might makes right”.
 Process: unilateral imposition of will, eg/ voting; strike; war.
 Outcome: win-win; win-lose; lose-lose.
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Integrative/problem solving strategy
“win-win” “CREATING VALUE”
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GOAL: to turn a conflict between two people into a mutual
problem to be solved by them together.
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KEY FEATURES:
1.
FOCUS ON INTERESTS, NOT POSITIONS.
2.
SEPARATE THE PERSON FROM THE PROBLEM.
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BE AWARE OF EACH PERSON’S ALTERNATIVES OUTSIDE OF
THE NEGOTIATION.
4.
BE CREATIVE: INVENT NEW OPTIONS FOR MUTUAL GAIN.
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what are “interests”?
needs, fears, hopes, wants, concerns.
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WHAT?
Substantive interests: needs for tangible things like
money, time.
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HOW?
Procedural interests: preferences for the way people
discuss their differences and how the outcome is
implemented.
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WHY?
The emotional and psychological needs people have.
+ Four ways to integrative negotiation
(adapted from Fisher and Ury’s “Getting to
Yes”)
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separate the person from the problem; be easy on the person
and hard on the problem. Use a problem-solving orientation.
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focus on interests, not positions. Asking the right questions,
in the right way, at the right time, to elicit the underlying
needs, wants and goals of the parties. “Peeling the onion”.
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use creative, non-judgmental “brainstorming” to invent
options for mutual gain.
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use objective, third-party criteria to overcome impasse and
help make a deal.
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Using mediation skills with your
kids
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Mediation is a safe place to have difficult conversations.
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It is non-judging, non-blaming dialogue.
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It focuses on what each person needs in order to reach an
agreement.
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It is done though careful, patient and respectful listening.
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It is honest about fears and concerns.
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It seeks to find the reasonable reason behind the unreasonable
position.
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It aims to find solutions that address real concerns, without
necessarily having to agree on the facts.
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Using mediation skills in teen
negotiation
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Depersonalize
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Use “I” and not “you”
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Mutualize
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Know your/their BATNA
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Humanize
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Understand the useful role of
anger
Make it safe emotionally and
physically
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Acknowledge power
differences
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Build trust
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Be skilled at “turning”
competitive tactics
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You don’t have to be right
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Avoid cycle of attack/retaliate
Use active listening
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Use reframing
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Recognize feelings
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The conversation that you will
never have
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Son and father scenario
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How to respond to your teen’s
bullying behaviour
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Scenario: Caitlin and the overnight
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Do not get drawn in to the fight
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Call it for what it is: bullying is not tolerated
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Be open to changing your decision if that is in fact a
reasonable thing to do
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Don’t be afraid to admit you are wrong and apologize
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Don’t be afraid to say a simple “No, sorry, that’s the end of our
discussion.” ( Say it nicely!)
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Dealing with lying
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Evan’s story
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Teenagers lie to their parents--- a lot
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You can do nothing about it; you can only control what you do
when you find out
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Stay on top of them; ask direct questions and require specific
answers to try to detect lying
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Don’t get too hung up on the lie; the bigger concern is the
forbidden behaviour
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Learn what you can trust your teen about and when you
cannot, and be honest with your teen about that.
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Building (your) trust
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Out with Leo and Sam (who are they????)
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Be honest with your teens about your reasons for making
rules and asking questions: you love them and want them
safe.
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Ask them to suggest options for addressing your concerns--without judging them.
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Let them know what you need them to do in order to build
your trust.
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Treat them like the responsible young adults you want them
to be.
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In summary
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You will have to nag them.
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It is okay to withdraw services on a specific occasion
because you are angry at them; they need to know that.
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The context of unconditional love however is critical; they
will learn by example that you treat those you love with care
and kindness, no matter how awfully they may behave.
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You will always be the parent and they the child. That is hard
work.
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Confront their lies and deception. Leave it there.
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In summary (cont’d)
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Do not undermine the other parent, ever, even if they are
wrong. (unless it is abusive)
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You cannot control their use of drugs or alcohol. You can only
set rules and your expectations.
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Punishment is rarely effective at this age.
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Don’t lecture.
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Be alert to real signs of depression and take suicide threats
seriously.
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Love them cos they love you and they need you.
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Resources
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Getting to Yes, R. Fisher & W. Ury, Penguin Books, 1981
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How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Harper
Books, 2005.
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Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?, Anthony E. Wolf, Farrar, Straus,
Giroux, 1991.
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Stop Negotiating With Your Teen: Strategies for Parenting Your Angry, Manipulative, Moody or
Depressed Adolescent, Janet Sasson Edgette, Perigree, 2002.
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Parents, Teens ad Boundaries: How to Draw the Line, Jane Bluestein, Health Communications Inc., 1993
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Hold Onto Your Kids; Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate,
2004.
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Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate, R. Fisher and D. Shapiro, Penguin Books, 2005.
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Improvisational Negotiation, Jeffrey Krivis, Jossey-Bass 2006.
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Bridging Troubled Waters, Michelle LeBaron, Jossey-Bass, 2002.
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Everyday Negotiation, D. Kolb & J. Williams, Jossey-Bass 2003
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Prepared by: Riverdale Mediation 2010
Riverdale Mediation provides
mediation, arbitration, training
and conflict resolution
consulting services in a wide
range of fields, including
separation and divorce,
employment and partnership
disputes, corporate conflicts,
and victim-offender conflicts.
For more information visit
www.riverdalemediation.com.