Transcript Clues for Shepherds

CLUES FOR
SHEPHERDS
What to look for to identify and address
the problems of severely disruptive people
in your community and when to seek help
By Barbara L. Klika, MSW
Undershepherd, Set Apart Ministries, Inc.
WHO IS THIS TEACHING FOR?
 Those who have positions of leadership involving shepherding within a
home fellowship or congregation.
 Those who particularly are called to a relational ministry. (rather than
those whose primary gifting or involvement is teaching)
 Those who have experienced conflict with people in the course of their
ministry which seems above and beyond the more normal struggles.
 Those shepherds who do not have any background to help them
differentiate between spiritual and emotional problems.
 Those shepherds who have seen either explosive conflict or subtle,
simmering, creeping conflict that divides or destroys their community.
WHAT THIS TEACHING CAN DO
 It offers information & resources about the normal
struggles of maturity that often become obvious in close
relationships.
 It offers some basic observations of what psychological or
emotional problems “look like” in the context of
community.
 It suggests considerations that would help determine what
is considered severe.
(continued)
 It can provide some background information and markers
that will help shepherds to understand what kind of
questions need to be asked to evaluate both personal and
group dynamics.
 It can help a community determine what kind of response it
deems appropriate to make to such severely disruptive
people.
 It suggests some guidelines to observe with severely
troublesome people that will help maintain stability for the
leaders, members and for the corporate community identity
itself.
WHAT THIS TEACHING CANNOT DO
 It cannot provide adequate specifics to address every conceivable
problem nor can it provide a “diagnosis” for any individual.
 It cannot provide a final judgment of any situation, but only point
the way.
 It cannot equip each leader or community with adequate
knowledge to fully address the identified issues, again only
pointing the way.
 It cannot dictate to any community what the “correct” response
should be for that community.
PRAYER IS THE BASIS FOR ANY INTERVENTION
Abba Father, as I offer these “clues” I ask for Your wisdom and understanding to flow
through them to provide wise counsel for all those who have been hurt while
ministering to Your people. Please guard these words against misuse. I ask for a
renewal of spirit and heart for each of us as we see just how dirty and bedraggled
sheep without a shepherd can be so that we can see them through Your eyes. Please
give us Your heart in each of these matters!
We ask that You would not only expose the works of the world, the flesh and the evil
one as they hinder and harass Your people but also that you provide us with the
courage, patience, and motivation to see what is exposed brought to a conclusion that
honors You.
May it be so.
PRAYER INTERVENTION
 Our God does not want to be our last resort, but the first place we
begin to deal with any situation, personal or otherwise.
 A well developed prayer life for leaders and members is a wonderful
foundation and should be actively encouraged and taught!
 The well being of the community is dependent on the well being of the
individuals that make it up…
 And conversely, the well being of the individuals is dependent on the
corporate well being of the community as well.
 Awareness of various types of prayer embedded in the culture of the faith
community will provide a strong foundation when troubles arrive…and
they WILL arrive.
 Expect conflicts to arise and they will
not be so devastating as the prayer
intervention is already active!
 There are differences in personal and corporate prayer style and content. If
you are not aware of them, check it out and be ready to address these
issues in your community.
 There is also a major difference between prayers that come from a fearful
weak position and those that come from an awareness of our position in
Messiah, ABOVE powers, principalities, thrones and dominions!
Community and Personal Struggles
TYPICAL SCENARIOS
FOR MESSIANIC COMMUNITIES THESE ARE
OFTEN DIVISIVE ISSUES
 Yeshua as YHWH
 Men’s and women’s roles
 Which calendar to observe
 What kind of Shabbat Gatherings: place, time, style
 Activities that are or are not acceptable for Shabbat
 Food Issues: Kashrut or not, quantity, type, issues of gluttony or genuine

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hunger, vegetarian or not, etc.
Judah –Joseph or “One New Man” identity struggles
Type of study, type of worship, live music or not, style of music
Type or style of clothing
Type or style of leadership, organization, authority, accountability
BEGINNING INTERVENTION STEPS
FILL IN THE BLANK
 No doubt, you can add some specific struggles that you have experienced.
REFLECT ON THE INTERACTIONS YOU HAVE
EXPERIENCED
There will be both pleasant and unpleasant experiences to
consider.
Step back from the topic to consider the process.
More understanding surfaces through consideration of
HOW things are happening than is often apparent in just
WHAT is happening.
SAMPLE PROCESS QUESTIONS
How did various people behave?
Who offered serious considerations?
Who was emotional or irrational?
Who appeared to be the stabilizing influences or the
agitators?
Were these predictable behaviors?
Did you find yourself dreading to hear from anyone?
Did you find yourself yearning to hear from anyone?
Did anyone specifically “side” with anyone else?
What behavior was I contributing, personally considering each of
these same questions?
MATERIALS MUST BE IN HARMONY WITH
SCRIPTURAL TRUTHS
 I think it is fair to say that most of us do not want to draw
from any material that would contradict the Word. Yet,
specifics of dealing with disruptive people and interpersonal
conflict are not often clearly detailed within Scripture.
The comparison can be made to science;
not all of science is found in the pages
of Scripture but all true science will be
in harmony with it.
 In Scriptural terms, we have often spoken of the challenges
of considering whether troublesome people are sheep or
goats; just immature wheat, tares, or outright wolves.
 Intervention is different depending on which category we see, and we
must always be aware that only YHWH can see the heart…though we
ARE to consider the fruit in our discernment. Patterns can help us in
this process.
INDIVIDUAL ASPECTS
LOOKING FOR PATTERNS
 This has been the most contentious point for those most difficult
people. They do not like it that others are aware of patterns of their
behavior. Yet it is awareness of patterns that begins to distinguish the
more serious issues from the “normal” or common ones.
 Is it needless to say that we must be aware of our own patterns and
have people around us who are also aware and can hold us accountable?
 Sometimes the important patterns of behavior will be consistent over
time. Sometimes they will vary dramatically to the point one wonders if
it is really the same person behaving in such contradictory ways! More
on this later.
ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE “NORMAL”
 Having stepped back from the content of difficulties and having begun
to watch the process for patterns of behavior, it becomes important to
be able to define what is normal and what is abnormal.
 We strongly recommend “The Life Model” as the most comprehensive
model of patterns of growth and maturity. It provides basic information
on what is age appropriate or not, from infant to elder stages. It includes
awareness of our God as our Creator Who designed us to be
relational. A verbal summary of these stages is available in our CD
“Maturity in Prayer Life” and the chart from the book is available in our
article on Love and Fear Bonds in Faith.
 “Living with Men” also by E. James Wilder, is an in-depth version of the
more abbreviated original Life Model material. It has application for both
men and women.
WISE USE OF TIME
 Most leaders have full plates and inadequate time ( or even desire!) to
become experts in human development but this is NOT necessary!
 A grasp on the basics of maturity and development will usually serve to
be able to recognize what is normal and what is not! Like the study of
counterfeit money detection, which concentrates on knowing the REAL
thing, so do we want to concentrate on what is good and right, but in
such a way that we can begin to identify some thing that is out of line.
 The Life Model does not rely on mental health diagnostic information
but rather on observable things. There are supporting materials
available to use in personal and group study that will require some
investment of thought, prayer and time.
RESOURCES
 Maturity in Prayer Life -- by Set Apart Ministries CD that applies
maturity stages to the development of our prayer lives.
 Self Worth and Responsibility - by Barbara L. Klika, MSW Articles and
charts dealing with personal worth and how it plays out internally & in
relationships
 The Life Model – Living with Men -- by E. James Wilder Ph. D. Books,
workbooks and DVDs that deal with stages of growth and maturity.
 Joy Bonds – by E. James Wilder, Ph. D. DVD that details God’s design in
the workings of our mind, brain and relationships and how it affects
ability to be in relationship and handle various circumstances.
INTERPERSONAL ASPECTS
FELLOWSHIP IDENTITY AND STAGE
 In our ongoing learning we have identified what we see as
four common types of fellowship groups. More information
on this will be found in our presentation “The Importance of
Echad for Messianic Fellowships.”
 We find that intervention and successful resolution of
problems with disruptive people and interpersonal conflict
becomes more viable as a group is closer to stages 3 and 4
rather than stages 1 and 2. This is described in our
introduction to “What Shepherd’s Need to Know” series.
(continued)
 Briefly, if a group remains casual with transient members
and unclear boundaries and fluid leadership, there will be
no opportunity to assist in identification and resolution of
any type of serious conflict. It is only when a group has
boundaries, personal commitments and an identity with
recognized and accepted leadership of their elders that it is
possible. Even then it is rarely easy!
 As you can probably confirm, all too often, any kind of
effort to deal with issues results in people walking away,
often spreading collateral damage on their way out. The
iron sharpening iron process cannot happen.
INDIVIDUAL AND RELATIONAL
Individuals do not operate in a vacuum. Sometimes
a better picture does not come into focus until the
interaction between various people is observed
and included in observation of patterns.
Though it will not be a consuming and long process
to understand this, it will involve some
commitment of time and focus to become better
equipped.
(continued)
 We have found that it is unlikely for any intervention to be
successful if both the leaders AND members have not been
acquainted with these understandings before a conflict
occurs. (more on this later)
 Therefore, we recommend that fellowship groups need to
spend some time becoming familiar with these basic things.
 We generally would NOT include these matters on
Shabbat where the focus is Messiah but each community
has their own halacha and will determine how best to
inform their people.
(continued)
 We have found a number of materials that help identify
what is normal and what is abnormal in relationships. This
has involved years of sifting through resources even prior to
community, but especially informed over the last eleven
years as a community.
 It is a body of knowledge that takes some time to
assimilate, like the Life Model, but it is well worth the time
invested to improve stability and reduce the damage done
through both explosive unresolved conflict and long term,
simmering conflict.
DRAMA TRIANGLES ABOUND
 A very insightful piece of understanding about interpersonal
conflict is found in the teachings of Dr. Stephan Karpmann, who
graciously has given us permission to incorporate his work for
the benefit of Messianic Communities.
 When patterns between people are
observed, it will quickly be seen that
Dr. Karpmann was correct in this analysis that
unfruitful conflict interactions usually include three roles: victim,
persecutor and rescuer. Individuals are usually unaware that
they have acted as though there was a script in the interaction.
(continued)
 The challenge is to not fall into any of these roles, but
respond rather than react to them, staying in a neutral
position, OFF the triangle!
 This pattern is so frequently seen that we would consider it
generally within the “normal” range of difficulties. Common
but not really “normal” to be more specific.
 It is examined at length in our CD “Drama Triangles for
Messianic Communities” including an analysis of how this
might have been perceived with Paul’s visit to the Galatians.
LEARNING & USING DRAMA TRIANGLE
 I have described a “backwards learning “ process in which we usually can
first recognize when we have experienced this pattern long ago, then more
recently, and in step three, recognize it AS it is happening so that we can put
a stop to it before more harm is done.
 Step 4 is the joyful one where we can see it coming and step out BEFORE it
even begins! I have watched people in this process which can be
accomplished in just a matter of weeks to months, and less often, years
before it is so much a part of their awareness that they can apply it without
having to consciously think about it.
 It could move to a severity indicator if an individual resists understanding
and accountability or is unable to incorporate and use this information after
a reasonable amount of exposure and practice.
SHEPHERDS BEWARE!
 Have you found yourself in the drama triangle?
 Have you learned that you often fall into one or more roles without
your awareness?
 Does this happen only in family relationships or does it happen among
your colleagues or fellow workers, or with your fellowship members?
 Usually, if we fall into it in one setting, we are susceptible to it in all.
 Before you will be able to be of much help to others, you will need to
overcome your own unhelpful pattern! Prayerfully confess this to our
Abba Who is well able to sustain us and enlist
the help of some trusted people for accountability.
RESOURCES
 The Importance of Echad for Messianic Fellowships - Set Apart Ministries
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PowerPoint presentation on relationship between personal and
corporate growth & ability to resist the schemes of the evil one.
Drama Triangles for Messianic Communities - Set Apart Ministries CD
Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend Books, workbooks, videos
Reactivity – by Phil DeLuca, MSW video
Banana Baseball - E. James Wilder, Ph.D. DVD on brain development,
the nucleus accumbens, and the connections with relational problems &
addictions
The Verbal Logical Explainer - Dr. Karl Lehman DVD on brain function
and impact of previous experiences on current ability to respond well
to circumstances.
SEVERE SITUATIONS
INDIVIDUAL & RELATIONAL CRITERIA
 The criteria to determine the severity of a situation are somewhat
variable; often specific to a community or occurrence of some kind.
 It may become apparent at an individual level, or as interaction is
observed between that person and a few others, or when an entire
community is involved.
 Individually, it may have to do with decreasing ability to function; what
psychologists call “decompensating” and lay people call “falling apart.”
 Relationally, it may involve unresolved conflicts between two or more
people that intrude on the entire community.You know the tension that
results when a group is too well aware of a disagreement between
people among them? Watch for recurrent Drama Triangles here.
COMMUNITY WIDE CRITERIA
 Sometimes a behavior erupts to the point that it involves
the entire community, destabilizing and often destroying
that community if it can’t be prayerfully and wisely resolved
quickly. This is another place to be aware of the formation
of Drama Triangles which involve “pitting” one or more
members against one another when people feel compelled
to “take a side.”
 It is especially devastating when such triangles involve
pitting one or more members against a leader or the
leadership team.
MATTHEW 18
 Most people with a Scriptural knowledge will be well aware of these
instructions to deal with sin, which so often brings conflict; dealing first
individually, then if unheard and unresolved, taking a witness, and lastly, if
not yet resolved, taking it before the community.
 From years of observation and participation in faith-based groups
attempts to deal with conflict I can say that it is a sad realization that
this process rarely happens. If it is begun, it is often not followed
through to completion.
 It requires a great deal of maturity for these guidelines to be observed,
and in America at least, such maturity has not been the “norm” for at
least a generation, if not more.
MATURITY REQUIRED
 The need for maturity to resolve conflicts-- or matters of sin-- in a YHWH
honoring way involves things that go right back to a child level of tasks:
o having the character to make one self do a hard thing;
o being able to both ask for and receive what is needed without fear,
o having enough joy strength and confidence in Messiah to be able to endure the anxiety and
discomfort;
o
the ability to step back from any emotions involved to review objectively.
There is much more to be said but this gives a glimpse.
 Remember too, that chronological age reached often has little
to do with the functional maturity of an individual.
STRENGTH TO STAND
 This is a difficult concept to address but perhaps you will
recognize it.
 Among the “pool” of people who have come to an
awareness of the Hebrew roots of our faith and taken the
step out of traditional or institutional churches will be
found individuals who have the tenacity and determination
to do what they see to be right, no matter how difficult the
consequences.
(continued)
 That same tenacity and ability to individuate from their
former faith community may also show itself in a resistance
to commitment or oppositional behavior once in a new
group.
 One example: Suspicious of things they don’t yet
understand, they may be protective of their “turf” and
unwilling to fully commit to any new group that might again
prove to be “wrong.” They may find it easier to walk away
again, rather than to ‘Pray, Stay and Not Run Away.’
KORAH, DATHAN & ABIRAM
 I have recently seen a Scriptural example in the story of Korah’s
rebellion. These leaders were in close proximity to one another
around the Tabernacle, as you will see if you draw out a chart of
their tribal positions. The Levites led by Korah were on the
south side as were the Reubenites.
 Close proximity offers the opportunity to collude or collaborate.
 While in western culture we are more oriented toward facing
North, in the Hebraic sense, one faces east, thus the south side
represents the right hand. It can also represent strength.

(continued)
 I found it interesting that the greatest challenge to Moshe
and Aharon’s leadership came from the area that should
have been their own right hand of strength, but instead that
strength was used in rebellion.
 It requires some kind of strength to oppose and sometimes,
opposition becomes a way of life.
INDIVIDUAL TO RELATIONAL
 If an individual is having issues but doesn’t involve any one
other than the leadership, it may avoid the triangulation
effects of drawing others in and so it may seem less severe.
 Unfortunately, sometimes there are efforts by individuals to
monopolize a leader or draw them into an inappropriate
circumstance, often completely outside of their own
conscious awareness!
(continued)
 The leader must have the maturity and wisdom to
recognize such dangers and flee from them, also obtaining
prayer cover and accountability as needed from other
trustworthy people.
 This kind of situation may never come to the attention of
more than the close circle of leadership but can cause great
harm under the surface if not appropriately handled.
 Leaders also need to know when they are legally under
obligation to report various kinds of situations of abuse.
This would include that situation in which there are
emotional or mental health issues operating for the
individual.
While I do not care for “diagnostic labels” they are
helpful in some cases to describe a set of behaviors.
 Suffice it to say here that there are two areas to
be aware of:
(continued)
Personal adjustment issues & Personality Issues
 The first involves things like anxiety or depression or situational
stressors such as divorce, bereavement or even happy things
like a marriage or the birth of a child. They are more
changeable over time but watch for recurring patterns here,
too.
 The second involves personality and character attributes that
do seem to have a genetic component, and these issues will be
more long term and difficult to change.
Underneath it all, we do
need to retain our
awareness that we serve
an awesome God, Our
Great Shepherd,
Who Can and Who Has
done miraculous things.
It is more often our
resistance that limits than
it is His Ability.
Each situation can be severe in its own way. The
leader/shepherd needs to be aware of the areas in
which they have knowledge to help and where they
do not, referring as needed.
This presents its own challenge as well as it is often
difficult to know where to obtain appropriate help.
This is another issues entirely and can’t be
adequately addressed here.
(continued)
Ideally, I believe that our Abba intended for each
community to have their own generations of those
at parent and elder level maturity to be of wise
prayerful guidance to the younger ones.
At Set Apart Ministries, we are committed to
building up that generation of elders and encourage
others to do the same.
 Any one can have a personal or family crisis. Such situations
are usually called “acute” rather than “chronic” and can
surely be difficult to handle.
 Still, the person who has repeated such crises may be one
of the “difficult ones” who represents a severity challenge.
 Sometimes it will become evident that their own unwise
choices contribute and in this case, their willingness or
unwillingness to receive counsel will determine their
course.
 At some point, we believe that someone who is repeatedly
unwilling to receive or act on counsel needs to be
confronted as to whether or not they have really accepted
the authority of their shepherd.
(NOTE:This is only really possible within an established
community that has existing firm, clear boundaries with
stable leadership.)
 If they have not, they may not be able to stay as they bring
recurrent chaos in their wake.
 In our experience, often people decide to take themselves
out if they are actually held accountable in this way.
 It is a difficult call to make and can even result in drama
triangles at times but we find it is better to deal with it
directly than to let it simmer.
 A key is the depth of confidence that members have in their
leadership so that they do not themselves doubt things
were handled well, no matter what kind of “story” may
circulate.
 Knowing our fallibilities, we have often spoken of realizing it
is about trusting Messiah IN US,
rather than the individual alone.
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
(MPD)
 Professionally, I was taught that MPD, now called
Dissociative Identity Disorder DID) was rare. In practice, I
have spoken with dozens and dozens of people who have
some kind of dissociation issues, from simple to complex,
from “normal” trauma such as physical or sexual abuse to
“extreme” trauma of satanic ritual abuse.
I no longer believe it to be rare, but in fact
quite common.
(continued)
 This population represents a special challenge to home
fellowship groups, and especially to Messianic ones for
reasons too complex to address here. In fact, this is a main
factor behind my efforts here to help equip shepherds.
 Though I view it as a coping mechanism more than an
illness, people with DID issues, knowingly or unknowingly,
have been used to be overtly or covertly active in stirring
up discontent and conflict.
 The salient point here for shepherds to retain is that these
people present a major challenge that should not be
ignored. Being unaware of the impact of having people who
are capable of having completely different “agenda’s “ in
their participation leaves a group far too vulnerable to
manipulation, be it of human or demonic sources.
 If you begin to see indications of one or more of these
kinds of signs, please be prayerfully aware that you may not
be dealing with a “single” person, but one who has many
internal splits, even and especially to the point that one part
or parts may be committed to Messiah while another part
or parts is committed to the evil one.
SAMPLE INDICATORS
 Widely divergent style of dress or personal hygiene.
 Widely divergent speech or mannerisms, sometimes perhaps
appearing more adult others more childish, or more feminine or
more masculine.
 Widely divergent skills or knowledge base from one time to
another.
 Widely divergent knowledge of Scripture or ability to walk in
faith.
 Immediate attraction or revulsion between people with no
obvious reason.
(continued)
 Despite apparent pleasant demeanor, a trail of conflict
follows them –it may be between them and other people,
OR between other people with whom they have spent time.
This can also involve sudden disruption for no clear reason
in previously stable relationships.
 Someone who has dissociative characteristics is often very
good at helping to “spot” others. (Some of our people have
joked about those who don’t realize or acknowledge their
multiplicity as being “MID” --Multiples In Denial.)
 Don’t immediately dismiss expressed concerns but
evaluate carefully over time.
COMMUNITY
 An issue of mild concern may have a small number of
people concerned or upset. One of moderate intensity will
likely involve more people and /or those in leadership.
 These issues may be wrangling with how to deal with
various situations or people but do not include any kind of
tension so intense or unbearable that it would cause people
to avoid being together.
 The severe issues at a community level involve most of the
people most of the time and may have to do with various
content issues as listed earlier or issues related to the very
identity and boundaries of the group itself.
 Since most Messianic fellowships have paid a great deal of
attention to the study of the Word but almost no attention
to the fabric of the relationships that make up the
community, they are very vulnerable to such struggles.
IMMUNIZATION
 The best way to deal with severe community level conflict that I am
aware of is to have “immunized” the people ahead of time!
 When people have enough information to recognize the kinds of
personal or interpersonal events it will help to defuse the intensity of
their responses from the beginning. It will also increase their
hopefulness that it can be resolved without having to break apart.
 This is especially true for those at adult, parent or elder levels of
maturity as they can be a stabilizing influence for those who are more
emotionally volatile.
DAMAGE CONTROL
 If a community has had no preparation, the best that can
happen is to learn how to intervene effectively so as to
minimize the overall damage.
 It must go without saying that personally deep searching and
intercessory prayer is a necessary foundation for any effort.
 It will involve a lot of time listening and processing the various
points of view, again looking for patterns to help
comprehend what is happening.
RECURRING OR ENTRENCHED ISSUES
 Any community that finds itself in recurring issues or has
issues that just don’t seem to go away would likely benefit
from assistance from a trusted advisor who shares their
faith and general worldview.
 Even the most objective shepherd leader may be perceived
as being biased or involved though it may not be accurate.
 A mediator or mentor who can remain stable, joyful in
Messiah, and confident that the issues can be resolved will
be helpful to restore hope for resolution in community
members.
Clues for Shepherds
SUMMARY
PROCESS NOT CONTENT
 Cover all things in prayer!
 Listen for how things are happening rather than the subject
matter alone.
 Be aware of normal development and expectations so as to be
able to recognize abnormal behaviors.
 Commit some time to understanding personal and group
dynamics.
 Humbly asses one’s own behaviors and maturity status before
attempting to provide encouragement elsewhere.
(continued)
 Be aware of individual, interpersonal and community wide
levels of evaluation and needs.
 If possible, “immunize” the community prior to any major
struggles, personal, interpersonal or community wide to
give all the tools they need to move through it with less
anxiety about the outcome.
 Seek assistance sooner rather than later if you are not well
equipped.
TELECONFERENCES
 If you would like to discuss any of these issues further, we
will be happy to schedule a teleconference any time 5-10
people are interested and able to meet at an agreed upon
time or times.
 We are also quite willing to visit communities that want
additional information. Private consultations are also
available.
 Please do let us know how these Clues are helpful for you,
and if there is something else you’d like to see added or
further clarified.
ALL PRAISE TO MESSIAH YESHUA!
 The Author and Finisher of our faith to whom none of these things
come as a surprise.
 Our El Shaddai, the all powerful, all sufficient One who is well able to
build us together to be the living stones of which He spoke.
 Our Redeemer who is ever living to make intercession for us.
 Our soon coming King and Bridegroom to be!
 The One Who gives me songs and counsel in
the night.
Barbara L. Klika, MSW
Undershepherd
Set Apart Ministries Inc.
P. O. Box 5584
De Pere, WI 54115
(920) 336-7005
[email protected]
www.set-apart-ministries.org
antandgrowmessianicfellowships.org