Transcript Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships
Unlocking the Secrets to a Happy &
Healthy Relationship When Couples
Have to Be Apart
Gregory Guldner, MD, MS
Goals
 Enable therapists, counselors, educators,
and other advisors to understand, assess,
and support couples in long distance
romantic relationships.
 Expose an expert audience of professionals
to the current state-of-the-art research-based
understanding of long distance
relationships.
Objectives
 Understand LDRs:
– Defining LDRs
– Prevalence of LDRs
– Do LDRs work?
– Difficulties with LDRs
– Advantages of LDRs
Objectives
 Assess
– Demographics
– Personality
– Support System
– Relationship
 Separation Inventory
Objectives
 Support
– Stages of Separation
– Staying emotionally
healthy
– Staying intimate
– Sexuality while
separated
 Support
– Communicating
– Conflict at a distance
– Sexual Affairs
– Hellos/Goodbyes
– Gender differences
– Ending the separation
Background
 Clinical Psychology
 Research Focus
– Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue University, Dept of
Psychology, 1992
– Time Spent Together and Relationship Quality, Journal of Social
and Personal Relationships; 12, 1995
– Long Distance Romantic Relationships, Journal of College Student
Development; 37, 1996
– Long Distance Relationships and Emergency Medicine Residency,
Annals of Emergency Medicine; 37, 2001
– Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. 2003:JFMilne
 Personal Experience
Long Distance Relationships
 Understand LDRs
 Assess LDRs
 Support LDRs
Understanding LDRs
 Understand
– Defining LDRs
– Prevalence of LDRs
– Do LDRs work?
– Difficulties with LDRs
– Advantages of LDRs
Defining an LDR
 Specific distance cut-
off
 Specific location cutoff
 Self-defining
– My partner lives far
enough away from me
that it would be very
difficult or impossible
for us to see one
another every day.
Understanding LDRs
 Understand
– Defining LDRs
– Prevalence of LDRs
– Do LDRs work?
– Difficulties with LDRs
– Advantages of LDRs
Prevalence of LDRs
 Marital LDRs
 Pre-Marital
– College Student
Married and Living Apart (%)
Age & Year
Caucasian
Minority
1960
6
13
1970
6.5
14.5
1980
5
16.5
1960
2.5
8
1970
2
6.5
1980
1.5
6.5
1960
2
6
1970
2
5
1980
1
4
Age 18-24
Age 25-34
Age 35-44
Married and Living Apart
National Longitudinal Study of the High
School Class of 1972
 3.31% of 7191 married respondents were
living in a different location than spouse
 Of military marriages 27% of White and
63% of African-American couples were
living apart.
 10% of all job relocations result in long
distance marriages (1998) and 52% of
employers expect transfers to increase.
Pre-Marital LDRs
 College Students
 Internet Dating
 Military
 Certain Industries
– Oil
– Fishing
– Logging
 College Students
– 25-40% (1993)
– 50% of First Years
(1992)
– 33% (1987)
– 25% at any given time
and 78% at any point
(1996)
Understanding LDRs
 Understand
– Defining LDRs
– Prevalence of LDRs
– Do LDRs work?
– Difficulties with LDRs
– Advantages of LDRs
Do LDRs Work?
 Marriage or Pre-Marital?
 Military / combat or Civilian?
 What does it mean “to work”?
– Continuity (break-up rate over time)
– Quality (satisfaction, intimacy, etc)
Do LDRs Break-up More
Frequently than PRs?
 Pre-marital studies have found no greater
rate of dissolution in LDRs than PRs
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Guldner. J. College Student Dev, 1996;37;289-295
Van Horn, et al. Personal Relationships, 1997;4;25-34
Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279
Stephen. Journal of Divorce, 1984;8;1-17
 No adequate data on marital LDRs
– Rindfuss & Stephen. J. Marriage and the Family, 1990;52;259270.
Do LDRs Have Poorer Quality
Relationships Than Do PRs?
 The majority of studies show no differences
between LDRs and PRs on measures of
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Satisfaction
Intimacy
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Commitment
Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320
Govaerts & Dixon. Int. J. Adv. Counseling. 1988l;11;265-281
Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279
Woelfel & Savell. Military Families. 1978;17-31
Gerstel & Gross. Commuter Marriage. 1984.
Stephen. Human Com Res. 1986; 13;191-210
Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219
Timmerman. Doctoral Thesis. U. of Texas. 2001.
Understanding LDRs
 Understand
– Defining LDRs
– Prevalence of LDRs
– Do LDRs work?
– Difficulties with LDRs
– Advantages of LDRs
Difficulties Associated with
LDRs
 The Individual
– Depression
• Military Separations
– Clinical Depression
• Civilian
– Guldner, GT. Long Distance Romantic Relationships:
Prevalence and Separation-related Symptoms. J College
Student Development, 1996; 37; 289-295.
– Clinical Depression no more likely in LDR than in PR
– Minor Depressive symptoms common
– Feeling blue, lack of interest, difficulty making decisions,
difficulty concentrating
Difficulties Associated with
LDRs
 The Individual
– Anxiety
• Uncertainty
• Jealousy / Sexual Affairs
• Dis-inhibition (loss of support)
– Guilt
• Violating norms
• Choice of career “over” relationship
– Emotional “rollercoaster”
Difficulties Associated with
LDRs
 The Relationship
– Myths (Dissolution, Quality, Finances)
– Relationship momentum slowed
• Progress toward marriage more slowly
• Break-up more slowly
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Idealization and Disillusionment
Difficulties in Communication
Sexuality at a Distance
Re-integration
Assessment of the Status of the Relationship
Understanding LDRs
 Understand
– Defining LDRs
– Prevalence of LDRs
– Do LDRs work?
– Difficulties with LDRs
– Advantages of LDRs
Advantages of an LDR
 Individual Productivity
 Novelty
– Avoids the “taken-for-granted” aspect of PRs
– Plan exciting activities
 Compartmentalization
– Intimacy / autonomy fulfillment
 Idealization
Long Distance Relationships
 Understand LDRs
 Assess LDRs
 Support LDRs
Assessing an LDR
 Personality
 Demographics
 Support System
 Relationship Characteristics
Assessing LDRs
 Assess
– Demographics
– Personality
– Support System
– Relationship
 Separation Inventory
Assessing an LDR:
Demographics
 Least important of the four components
 Frequency of face-to-face visits not
correlated
 Frequency of telephone calls negatively
correlated with satisfaction
 Frequency of letters predicts satisfaction
Assessing an LDR:
Demographics
 Other demographics
– Total duration of the relationship
– Duration of Separation
– Duration as a PR prior to LDR
– Distance
– Age
Assessing LDRs
 Assess
– Demographics
– Personality
– Support System
– Relationship
 Separation Inventory
Assessing an LDR: Personality
 Learning Style Inventory
– Visualizers
– Verbalizers
– Touchers
 Attachment Styles
– Secure
– Avoidant
– Ambivalent / Anxious
Assessing an LDR: Personality
 Self-Esteem
– Low self-esteem predicts more difficulty with
separation
– Low self-esteem predicts poor relationship
quality among LDRs but not PRs
 Independence
 Optimism
 Trust
 Telephone and Letter Habits
Assessing LDRs
 Assess
– Demographics
– Personality
– Support System
– Relationship
 Separation Inventory
Assessing an LDR: Support
 Types of Support
 Sources of Support
– Emotional
– Partner
– Appraisal
– Family
– Informational
– Friends
– Instrumental
– Context
• Those in LDRs often isolate themselves from support
•Distraction
•Awkwardness
•Depression
•Ambiguous status
Assessing LDRs
 Assess
– Demographics
– Personality
– Support System
– Relationship
 Separation Inventory
Assessing an LDR: Relationship
 Issues specific to LDRs
– Communication issues
– Expectations
– Conflict Management
• Telephone
Long Distance Relationships
 Understand LDRs
 Assess LDRs
 Support LDRs
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Supporting LDRs:
Understanding Separation
 Emotional Stages of Separation
– Bowlby / Animal Studies / Evolutionary Psych
• Protest (Anger, Bargaining)
• Despair (Depression to various degrees)
• Detachment (Productive or Destructive)
– Kubler-Ross
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Denial and Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Supporting LDRs: Staying
Emotionally Healthy
Ten Step Program
1. Maintain a satisfying relationship
2. Socialize
 Emotional vs. Social Loneliness
3. Find a Confidant
4. Touching
5. Take Control
Supporting LDRs: Staying
Emotionally Healthy
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Ten Step Program
Positive Thinking / Reframing
View the Separation as Temporary
Acknowledge Contributions
Transitional Objects
Healthy Sexuality
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Supporting an LDR: Keys to
Maintaining Intimacy
 Intimacy Components
– Emotional Sharing
– Interrelatedness
 Emotional Sharing
– LDRs may do this more easily than PRs
 Interrelatedness
– Central Issue for LDR Intimacy
– Focus on the mundane
• Serial vs. Parallel Communication
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Supporting an LDR: Contact
 Face-to-face visits
– Conflicting research
– Opinion suggests at least once a month
– Early studies had design issues
• Carpenter & Knox. College Student J.1986; 28:86-88
– Failed vs. successful; contact related for men only
• Holt & Stone. J College Student Dev. 1988; 29:136-141
– Definition of LDR
• Groves & Horm-Wingerd. Soc Social Res. 1991;75:212-216
– Outcome “happier” with relationship
Supporting an LDR: Contact
 Face-to-face visits
 Larger studies & longitudinal studies
– No correlation or impact of frequency of faceto-face visits for continuity or quality or
relationship
• Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320
• Schwebel, et al. J. College Student Dev. 1992; 33:222-230
• Guldner. Purdue Univ, Dept. of Psych. 1992
 Strategies based on increasing visits likely
will not work – any frequency okay
Supporting an LDR: Contact
 Telephone Calls
– No evidence to suggest positive correlation or
threshold effect
– Frequency may be negatively correlated
• More calls more conflict?
• More conflict more calls?
Supporting an LDR: Contact
 Writing Letters.
– Cross-sectional.
• Strong correlation between frequency of letters and
relationship quality.
– Longitudinal.
• Couples who stayed together wrote one another
almost twice as often as those who broke-up.
• Measures of relationship quality identical at timeone.
Supporting an LDR: Contact
 Writing Letters
– Peculiarities of Letters
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Transitional objects
Tangible
Re-readable
Scent
Generally conveys mostly positive messages
– Pre-stamp and address envelopes to facilitate
letter writing
– Discuss the mundane if writing is only contact
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Supporting an LDR:
Hellos & Goodbyes
 Key Strategies for Making Reunions Even
Better
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It’s okay to schedule time by oneself
Schedule time with mutual friends
Schedule time out in public as a couple
Expect to be disappointed periodically
Don’t over schedule
Keep the timing of reunions predictable
Supporting an LDR:
Hellos & Goodbyes
 Key Strategies for Facilitating Goodbyes
1. Recognize multiple ways of saying goodbye
2. Develop goodbye rituals
3. Avoid anticipatory distancing if possible
4. Expect periodic disappointing reunions
5. Call one another early to discuss process
6. Accept some excitement about leaving
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Supporting LDRs:
Conflict at a Distance
 Issues Unique to LDRs
– Problems with distance, travel, limited time
together
– Problems inherent with telephones
– Conflict avoidance
– Separation-related anger
– Attributing all difficulties to the distance
Supporting LDRs:
Conflict at a Distance
 Problems with distance, travel, time
– How should we use our time together?
– Ground rules about other potential partners.
– How often should we contact / visit one another?
– Who pays for travel?
– Who does the traveling?
– How long will we be separated?
– How soon after reunion should we have sex?
– How do we split the telephone bill?
– How often do we write one another?
– Who does the chores when together?
Supporting LDRs:
Conflict at a Distance
 Problems Inherent with Telephones
– Less likely to result in conflict resolutions
– Less likely to accurately guess partner’s
opinion
– Less confident in opinion about partner’s
personality traits
– More likely to feel misunderstood
– More likely to think partner is insincere
Supporting LDRs:
Conflict at a Distance
 Conflict Avoidance
– LDRs report less conflict than PRs
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Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel.1995;12;313320
Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219
Limited time together, avoid “spoiling” it
Ability to exit
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Tolerancce
Supporting LDRs:
Conflict at a Distance
 Separation-Related Anger
– Reflex
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Cause is difficult to determine
Persists despite experience
“…this anger is displaced in all directions and
projected onto the environment at times
almost at random.” - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Supporting LDRs:
Conflict at a Distance
 Attributional Error
– “Everything would be okay but for the
distance.”
– Men more likely than women
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Leads to fewer arguments
Leads to delay in progress
Lead to unnecessary break-up
Lead to resistance to therapeutic attempts
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Long Distance Sex
 LDRs report sexual intimacy equal to PRs.
• Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel.1995;12;313-320
 “Honeymoon” sex / novelty
 Timing of sex after reunion
– Intimacy then sex
– Sex then intimacy
Long Distance Sex
 Telephone Sex
– Learning what to say and how to say it
• Comfort with erotic vocabulary
– Books of erotic fantasy
• Learning how to say it
– Bonnie Gabriel, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to
Entice, Excite, and Enchant Your Lover with Words
– Fantasy talk
– Sexual guidance
– Parallel self-pleasuring
Long Distance Sex
 Self-Pleasuring
– Learning to be comfortable with touching
– Hands-free telephones
– Privacy issues
Long Distance Sex
 Erotic Letters
 Erotic Videos
 Erotic Audiotapes
 Erotic Pictures
 Timing of visits with menstrual cycle
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Sexual Affairs in LDRs
 Common opinion
 Three studies
– Pre-marital
• Guldner, GT. Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue
University, Dept of Psychology, 1992
– Marital
• Gerstel, N. Marital alternatives and the regulation of sex.
Alternnative Lifestyles, 1979; 2:145-176
• Ortner, et al. Long Distance Marriage. 1979
 No difference in the rate of affairs
 Greater concern & anxiety about affairs
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Dating Others During an LDR
 Two studies
 6-month longitudinal study
– 30% of couples who dated others broke up
– 27% of couples who did not broke up
– 70% of couples who did not discuss this issue
broke up.
 Cross sectional study
– 15% of those who dated others survived LDR
– 48% of those who didn’t survived LDR
Supporting LDRs
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Emotional Stages of Separation
Staying Emotionally Healthy
Maintaining Intimacy
Frequency of Contact
Hellos & Goodbyes
Conflict at a Distance
Long Distance Sex
Sexual Affairs
Dating Others
Gender Differences in Separation
Gender Differences in LDRs
 Emphasis on sexuality
 Jealousy issues
 Interpretation of Love
– Romanticism vs Practicality
– Separation as a test vs. obstacle
 How to build intimacy
– Through sharing ideas
– By cataloging shared activities
Gender Differences in LDRs
 Impact of Separation Greater on Men
 Did distance contribute to the end of your
LDR?
– 41% of men agree
– 28% of women agree
 Distance was the only common problem
cited more frequently by men as leading to
a break up.
Gender Differences in LDRs
“Distance is represented as an empirical,
absolute obstacle that precludes
continuation of a relationship. These
accounts offer no recognition of
possibilities for managing distance; neither
do they acknowledge any personal
responsibility for its impact on
relationships.”
-Wood, JT. Different voices in relationship crises.
American Behavioral Scientist.1986; 29:273-301.
Therapeutic Pearls
Normalize & Encourage
 LDRs are common
– Especially among college students
 LDRs do not break-up more often than PRs
 LDRs have similar quality relationships as
PRs
Therapeutic Pearls
 Individuals in LDRs often report mild
depression
– Persistent, not improved with experience
• develop coping strategy, don’t wait for it to go away
– Distance relationships do not cause major
depression
• Ending an LDR will likely not help and may hurt
Therapeutic Pearls
 Anxiety / Guilt
– LDRs no more uncertain than PRs
– LDRs no more likely to have affairs
– LDR is often the best choice between:
• Giving up one’s career/education/goals
• Giving up the relationship
• Having an LDR
– Focus on anxiety/guilt producing thoughts
Therapeutic Pearls
 Progress slowed
– Expect and normalize slower progression
– Search for LDRs that “should” end and
facilitate / support this decision
 Idealization / Disillusionment
– Allow idealization but anticipate and normalize
unmet expectations
Therapeutic Pearls
 Communication
– Drawbacks to telephone communication
– Address conflict avoidance
• Ritualize relationship discussion
 Sexuality
– Address issues of verbal sexual expression
• Alternatives (pictures, audio, video, letters)
– Address issues of self-pleasuring
Therapeutic Pearls
 Promote Optimism and Self-Esteem
 Recognize minimal impact of contact
 Encourage letter writing
 Assess for and correct social isolation
 Encourage discussion of day-to-day acts
 Encourage parallel communication
– Hands free cordless phones
Therapeutic Pearls
 Discuss ground rules regarding dating
others
 Acknowledge contributions to the LDR
– Especially for men
 When the relationship closes the distance
– Probably greater risk of break-up
– Disillusionment, loss of advantages, etc.
Questions?
Guldner, GT. Long Distance Relationships:
The Complete Guide. 2003. LA: JF Milne
Available from:
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www.atlasbooks.com
www.amazon.com
www.jfmilne.com
Ingram Book Group
Baker & Taylor