Transcript Wills at War - Legacy PC Partners

Wills at War
What is the Secret to Defusing
Conflict?
“Education is the ability to listen to almost
anything without losing your temper or
self-confidence.”
- Robert Frost
Conflict’s Hidden Values
• Inoculated by conflict
• The “One Free Murder” Law
• Conflict as a “Guardrail”
“If you wish to make a man your enemy,
tell him simply, ‘You are wrong.’ This
method works every time.”
- Henry C. Link
Conflict, Plain & Simple
Psychologists tell us
our psyche looks
something like this...
Conflict, Plain & Simple
Attitudes:
“Our predisposition to
respond to people,
ideas and objects in
evaluative ways.”
Conflict, Plain & Simple
Beliefs:
“The way people
perceive reality.”
Conflict, Plain & Simple
Values:
“People’s most
enduring judgments
about what’s good
and bad in life.”
Conflict, Plain & Simple
The Insureds’ Values:
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Financial security
Respect
Privacy
Fairness
Self-determination
Being left alone
“Courage is being scared to death - but
saddling up anyway.”
- John Wayne
The Physiology of Conflict
Human Defense Responses
Or… Flight
Fight
The Effects of Adrenaline
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Increased heart rate
Rapid breathing
Heightened sense of vision and hearing
Pupil dilation
Dry mouth
Profuse sweating
Nausea
Extraordinary strength
“The basic building block of good
communication is the feeling that every
human being is unique and of value.
- Unknown
Verbal Communication
Languages fall into several categories:
Stress
Tonal
Examples of a Stress Language
at Work
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You are not going to the party tonight.
You are not going to the party tonight.
You are not going to the party tonight.
You are not going to the party tonight.
Keys to Effective
Communication
• Listen twice as much as you speak
• Ask every question you can think of
• Convey respect - If someone respects
me, I don’t want to let them down
• Even when your emotions
are raging…SMILE!
• Remember the “Magic” Words
Non-Verbal Communication
Body Language:
“The gestures, movements and
mannerisms by which a person or
animal communicates with others.”
Body Language “Factoids”
• A human can produce over 700,000
unique movements
• These can combine to form 60 discrete
signals and about 60 gestures
• 55% of what you say is through body
language
• 93% of your emotions are communicated
non-verbally
Body Language “Factoids”
“You have a ‘vocabulary’ of about 138,000
non-verbal and visual cues, but you can
only control about 150-200 of them - and
you can only do that for about 15-20% of
the time.”
- Corporate Psychologist Ben Johnson
(“What Body Language Says”, Hilary Freeman)
The “ROLE” Principal
• Relax - Take a few deep breaths
• Open - Assume an open posture
• Leaning - Leaning in communicates
interest and acceptance
• Eye Contact - “Windows to the soul”
Mirroring
• Also called “tracking”
• This is a natural part of
the non-verbal process
• When we are “in sync”
with another person, we
do this naturally
• Mirror the other person’s
actions
Non-Verbal Miscellany
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Handshakes
Dark Glasses
Hands in Pockets
Unbuttoned Jacket or coat
Touching
Gestures
Privacy
• Privacy is one of our inalienable rights
– 1st, 4th & 5th Amendments - U.S. Constitution (1791)
• Sneaking to the mailbox under cover of
darkness
• Policyholders have a limited right to the
privacy of their affairs
• This right to privacy is likely also a
“value” held by the insured
Conflict, Plain & Simple
Suggestions re: Privacy
1. Be discrete in discussing names/salaries
2. Protect payroll records with your life
3. Return records to the person who gave
them to you
4. Avoid taking copies of financial records
5. Never, NEVER discuss what you see on
an audit outside your auditor’s duties
Proxemics
• “Proxemics” is the study
of human spatial issues
• The term “Proxemics”
was coined by socialscientist Edward Hall in
1963
Proxemics in Real Life
• The “phone call”
• The convention
• The cubicle debacle
• The elevator incident
“In real life, the most practical advice…is
not to treat pawns like pawns, nor princes
like princes, but all persons like persons.”
- James MacGregor Burns
The “5-90-5” Principal
• 5% of the working public
are Wonderful people
(with warm cookies!)
• 90% are agreeable but
not very memorable
• 5% are horribly bitter
pills who were obviously
abused as puppies
Tips for Handling the “Pills”
• Remember, with this group - the conflict
is not likely your fault!
• Bear in mind that these people exist in
every walk of life
• Don’t take them too seriously
• Remain calm
• Practice the ROLE principal
• If threatened, Walk Away
Keep Your Eye on the Ball
• Roger Dawson: on
John McEnroe
• Taking you out of
your game
• Remember what
your goal is!
Dealing with Conflict
• Your Options:
– Give up…
– Blame the conflict on someone else
– Rely on your instincts to get you through
– Take an “inside” look
An Analogy from Marriage
First of all, you must:
• Understand that
conflict is a natural
part of life
• Bear in mind that
some conflict is
unavoidable
• Learn to “fight fairly”
“Pride is concerned with who is right.
Humility is concerned with what is right.”
- Ezra Taft Benson
The “So What?” Factor
• Apologize, when appropriate
• Avoid personal attacks
• Remember that the insured may feel
their values are under attack
• Apply the ROLE principal
• Convey respect, no matter what
– “If you don’t get your way, you’ll still get
your say.”
The “So What?” Factor
• Above all…
BE REAL!
The Secret Within
The Secret Within
For a free .pdf copy of my booklet
“Wills at War”
you can e-mail a me at
[email protected]
Wills at War