Transcript Relationship Building Techniques for Adult Clients

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP
TECHNIQUES WITH CHILDREN
Michele Aluoch
River of Life Professional Counseling LLC
c. 2014
SOCIAL SKILLS DEVELOPMENT
Not automatic
 A type of language
 Affects making and keeping
relationships, quality of
relationships, school and
home interactions, problem
solving and conflict mgmt.
 Affects people’s perception
of you

WHO AM I?:
DEVELOPING SELF AWARENESS
Personality qualities, hobbies and interests
 Experiences in life
 Beliefs and values


Put each on a sheet and pick out of shoebox. Can
you guess. Then build on these to get to know
each other more.
MEETING SOMEONE: INTRODUCTIONS
Stand up
 Look the other person in the
eye
 Smile
 Say- Hi. I am ________
 Make some comments about
activity

A HELP WANTED AD
Friend Wanted!
Age:
 Type of relationship:
 Qualities:
 Behaviors:


Expectations:
EXERCISES: INTRODUCING YOURSELF



You see three other kids playing ball. You would
like to join them but you are not sure if they want
someone new in the group.
There is a new student in class this year. You
wonder if they could become your friend. You
recall what it was like being new last year
yourself. You wonder if the child feels alone and
how they are doing with being in a new school.
You would like to play with another child but this
one is taller and more popular than you. How do
you approach him?
FINDING COMMONALITIES
Observe.
 Self assess about what
you like, believe, etc.
 Any similarities?

Categories
 Sports
 Hobbies
 Foods
 Music
 School subjects

o What I want to be
when I grow up
o Siblings/Family
o Where I live
o Other:
________________
EXPRESSING FEELINGS
Both children and adults who express feelings:
 More likeable
 More intelligent
 Personable and friendly
 Better social development
 Involves how to express, when to express, and
expressing in balanced ways
 Expression with dignity and restraint (e.g. anger
mgmt.)
FEELINGS FACES EXERCISES
Use to normalize
feelings
 E.g. even mom/dad
feel _____ when _____
happens…

UNDERSTANDING ALL MY FEELINGS
Feeling
How My Body
Feels
Thoughts/Behaviors
Sad
Tense, drained,
tired, exhausted,
bored,
discouraged
Frown, Muscles paining,
tears in eyes, isolate
myself, “I don’t care
about anything”
Happy
Angry
Anxious
Excited
ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS


Label feelings with a word, role model
Normalize experience by making general feeling
statements about how others do through similar
unpleasant feelings
(but still have behavior choices)
angry
Happy
sad
ACTIVE LISTENING (CONT.)


Teach I Messages:
I feel __________
when/because ___________
and in the future I’d like ___________ .
Requires practice regularly. Tied to listening,
hearing, paraphrasing, clarifying, setting
behavioral goals.
USING YOUR WORDS

YOU MESSAGES
Blame
Threaten
Divide
Hurt
Focus on the Past
Use Absolute terms
I MESSAGES
No blame
Understanding
each person’s
point of view
Focus on Solutions
Each person takes
responsibility
for his/her part
I feel _________
when /because ______
and in the future I’d like __________ to
happen.
I MESSAGES
I FEEL _______ BECAUSE ________
AND IN THE FUTURE I WANT _______.
You Message
You are so hurtful and
when the
mean to everyone.
I Message
I feel disrespected
family rules are not followed.
If they are not respected ___
will happen.
You need to try harder.
I am very proud of your
efforts.
You could do so much
putting time in
better.
means
watch
You are the nicest person
I know.
when I see you
your work even when it
having to wait to
cartoons
I am encouraged when you
think of how your choices
affect others.
EXERCISE: CHANGING YOU MESSAGES TO
I MESSAGES
You Message
 You make me mad!
 You are the messiest
person around.
You don’t understand.
 You are so dumb.

I Message
I feel upset about this.
It makes me anxious when
the room is sloppy and
things are not in their place.
EXERCISES: I MESSAGES
What went well? What do you hope to continue?
 I practiced hard for many days for my science
presentation and actually got a B when usually I
do poorly in that class.
 I was chosen for student council by my
classmates.
 I worked hard at a babysitting job and was able
to save up money for the shoes I wanted.
 When I got my first job I was named employee of
the month after only being there two months.

EXERCISE: I MESSAGES
My best friend went and told the others in class
my secret.
 When I returned from the restroom I found my
art project in a bunch of pieces on the floor.
 After I studied so hard for that test I still got a D.
 My dad died when I was 10 years old and my
grandmom had to raise me.
 I live in a rough neighborhood. There are police
sirens all day and night, gangs, and even walking
to the bus stop and home from school can be
fearful.

LISTENING TO THE SPEAKER
(PERSPECTIVE TAKING)
1. Experiences- what is happening
2. Behaviors- what he or she is doing
or not doing
3. Feelings/Emotions- expressed or implied
4. Thoughts and Beliefs- internal cognitions and
perceptions
EXERCISE: THE WISE MEN AND THE
ELEPHANT
Read the story.
Discuss how limiting things to our own perspective
can hinder us from seeing what we need to se in a
situation.
Explore how incorporating many perspectives may
help give a fuller picture of things?
Generalize: how can this be used with situations in
the client’s life?
THE COMMUNICATION GAME
Modeling and Practicing Communication Game
1) Are you feeling ____?
2) You feel this because _____?
3) You wish ___ would happen?
Key= get three “Yes” answers before moving on
to next family member
EMPATHY: PUTTING YOURSELF IN
SOMEONE’S SHOES
When someone tells you of an event listen to
their experience, feelings, thoughts, and what
they wish happened.
 What did they hope for? What actually
happened?
 What do they want from here?

EXERCISE: PUTTING YOURSELF IN
SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES
Billy thought he was training hard for the team
but his name was not posted on the wall when
those chosen were posted.
 Angela’s mom is disrespected by Angela. She
puts her headphones on when she is around the
house, yells and puts her hands on her hips and
refuses to do what she’s told, and calls her mom
horrible names.
 Maria heard other classmates talking about a
party coming upon the weekend. It seems as if
everyone but Maria got an invitation.

MIXED FEELINGS
Usually feelings are not just pleasant or
unpleasant.
 It is realistic in life to have co-occurring differing
types of feelings.

EXAMPLES: MIXED FEELINGS
I was an only child for 8 years. Then my mom
had a baby.
 We were going to play my favorite game in gym
today but then it rained outside.
 My birthday gifts were given to me but I did not
get anything I asked for.
 I finally found someone I considered a best friend
but he told me the other day that his family
would be moving.
 When I leant my I-Pod to my friend she smashed
it and now it is broken.

EMPATHY WITH BEHAVIOR CHANGE
Start with I message about the perceived event
and your feelings
 Share your goals.
 Ask a request. Find out what the other would be
willing to do.


Example: I feel confused when you started
sharing a story about that class and then you
changed topics. I’d like to understand what
happened in that class today. Would you be
willing to repeat yourself? Could we talk about
the next topic after we finish talking about
school?
EMPATHY WITH BEHAVIOR CHANGE




I do not agree with your perception of that event but I
am willing to hear how you came to that conclusion.
Can we review the incident please?
I am worried about the lying and sneaking behaviors.
I don’t want to see you in trouble.
__________________________________________________
________________________________________
I am concerned when time passes and I do not get a
phone call about where you are. I don’t know what is
happening then.
__________________________________________________
________________________________________
KEEPING THE CONVERSATION GOING
We live down the street
 So do we.
 Really, what area?
 By the grocery store?
 In the new houses?
 Yeah. The ones they are still building next to the
shopping plaza.
 Wow! That’s easy to walk to places.

EXERCISES: KEEPING COMMUNICATION
GOING
It is tough returning after summer break.
 Sure is. Did you do anything interesting?
 ________________________________
 ________________________________

You have an interesting lunch today.
 ______________________________________
 ______________________________________
 ______________________________________

ATTENDING, FOCUSING & LISTENING
SKILL DEVELOPMENT

Self evaluation (ongoing self
awareness and management)

Awareness of nonverbals (sitting in
seat, direction of body, movement)

Reminding self “what am I supposed
to be doing?”

When helpful use a concrete cue to
signify who is the speaker (e.g. object)
SELF ASSESSMENT OF LISTENING HABITS

DIRECTIONS:
Use the following scale to self
evaluate listening habits/teach child
processing skills:
Often-Sometimes-A little-Never
LISTENING ASSESSMENT


1. Do you ignore people when they say something you
do not want to hear?
2.Do you concentrate more on the speaker’s
appearance, mannerisms, or accent rather than the
content of what they are saying?

3. Do you assume you already know what they are
going to say before they say it?

4. Do you shut off listening when you disagree with
someone?

5. Do you only listen for facts instead of getting the
big picture and the whole idea?

6. Do you look around and pay attention to many
things around you when someone is talking?
LISTENING ASSESSMENT




7. Do you just listen and not take notes or find later
that you don’t have much written down about what
was said?
8. Do you hear outside noises that distract you from
the speaker?
9. Do you take each situation as something new
rather than trying to connect things to what you
already know?
10. Do you only do homework only when it is assigned
instead of reviewing something and keeping up each
day?

11.Do you close your mind off to any new ideas that
differ from your own?

12. Do you slouch, fidget, or find it hard to look at and
pay attention to the speaker?
LISTENING ASSESSMENT



13. Do you sit in the back or sides where it is
easier to get distracted instead of choosing a front
or center seat to pay attention?
14. Do you have trouble knowing how and when
to ask questions?
15. Do you sometimes just stay quiet and not ask
anything even when you really need help?
WAYS TO IMPROVE LISTENING

Practice listening and attending skills even when
you think you can guess ahead what is going to
be said.

Focus on the message, not details like the
person’s looks, voice, and accent.

Learn how to hear differing points of view and to
take perspectives.


Use techniques to aid memory like note taking,
peg words, visualization, drawings, and linking
things together.
Frequently ask yourself, “what am I supposed to
be doing?”
WAYS TO IMPROVE LISTENING

Be prepared to listen by reviewing ahead/daily.

Choose seating and positioning that will
minimize distractions.

Have a way to record your thoughts and emotions
on paper as the other is speaking so you do not
interrupt.

Don’t assume you know anything. Use empathy
and paraphrasing skills to “check in.”

Practice listening. It does not come naturally.
NONVERBAL LISTENING
93 % or more of the
message
 Body language
 Eye contact- attentive
without staring
 Gestures
 Posture
 Facial expressions
 Tone of voice

EXERCISE: NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION


Try saying “hello” in different ways. For
example, to someone you are excited to see after
a long time who is a best friend versus someone
you would rather not see but have to be polite to
anyway.
Try saying “I have a lot of homework” a few
different ways- . As a child who loves learning
and doing well in school and 2. as a child who is
angry that homework will interrupt favorite TV
shows tonight
PERSONAL SPACE
The distance around two
people
 Your sort of personal
bubble around you

Intimate
Personal
Social

Exercise: practice standing
at different lengths with
someone else. What feels
comfortable for different
interactions?
GOOD VERSUS BAD TOUCH
What does touch communicate?
 High five
 Shaking someone’s hand
 Hugging someone
 Tickling
 Touching under underwear
 Slapping someone
 Kicking someone in the leg
 Pushing someone out of line

ABC MODEL




Note situations where certain skill development
may need to be taught in counseling
Focus on development of more appropriate
reactions
Antecedents- look at context, complexity of tasks,
and stimuli
Behavior- use variables like color, movement,
speed of presentation, breaks
FOLLOWING RULES
How knowing things ahead helps
 What are the expectations?
 Does it depend where you are at?

Behavior?
 How?
 When?
 What situation?
 How often?

INGREDIENTS OF HEALTHY RULES
Phrase positively.
 Describe what is supposed to be happening.
 What is the positive or negative consequence for
doing or not doing it?
 Supported by real life role modeling.

EXCEPTIONS TO RULES





Context of a situation may make situations different
for different people.
Exercises:
Hugging someone- A neighbor child fell off his bike
and is on the ground screaming. He seems like he is
in pain.
Saying hello- you were taught to be polite but a
stranger drives by and rolls down the window and
asks you for your name and where you live.
Giving out information- You just met a new kid at the
community pool. He asks- can I have your address
and phone number so I can stop by tomorrow?
PROBLEM SOLVING &
THINKING AHEAD SKILLS

1) What am I supposed to be doing?

2) What are my choices?

3) Focus in. Remind self of #1.

4) Pick a choice (Help child learn to use his or her
imagination to anticipate consequences and alternatives).

5) Check the choice- Process.
a) Good choice---”good job” ,
“What went well?”,
“How can I keep it going well?”
b) Poor choice-- “I need to try again.”
“What did not work? Why?”
“What is the new plan?” (Use steps)
PROBLEM SOLVING &
THINKING AHEAD SKILLS
Rules:
 1. Go slowly.
 2. Say each step while doing it.
 3. Get the right answer.

Progression Of Steps
 Say out loud.
 Wisper.
 Mouth (do not speak).
 Do steps to self.

EXERCISE: PROBLEM SOLVING



You have a lot of homework tonight but this is the
night all your favorite TV shows are on. If you really
put in the time you need to you will not be able to
watch the TV shows live.
Your mom asked you to clean your room but you see
the other kids outside playing. Mom is not home from
work for 1 hour. What do you do?
There are some cookies on a plate in the kitchen. Dad
said only eat three but there seem to be so many so it
does not seem anyone will notice if you eat nine or ten
and rearrange them. What do you do?
COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL THERAPY
Address changes in typical assumptions
Assumptive World Theory
Shift from:
I am worthy.
My world is safe.
Life is good.
Parents/caregivers look out for me.
TO
I am a wreck.
Life is crummy and things always go wrong.
The world is a bad place.
People are mean and hurtful.
There is no one who can be trusted.
There is no real meaning in life.
I am weak and helpless.
CHANGING ERRONEOUS ATTRIBUTIONS
AND COGNITIONS
Challenge attributions
(e.g. abuse)
Old toxic thought
I caused the problem.
I am a bad person.
People cannot be trusted.
New improved thoughts
DEVELOPING NARRATIVES: GENERAL



Help the child develop a story with a beginning,
middle, and end
Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix,
cure, and heal (can incorporate bibliotherapy or
counseling techniques with the new narrative)
By end of story should be some new activities
aimed at coping with the grief in productive ways
RAINY VERSUS SUNNY THOUGHTS




I never seem to get things in class as quickly as
the other kids do. I guess I cannot do anything
right.
The teacher wants me to do the main part in the
play but I have an awful voice. I know everyone
will laugh.
My clothes are not as cool as the other kids. I am
sure they all think I look stupid.
Nothing ever goes my way. I should not even try
anything. It is not worth it.
DEALING WITH ANGER

Aggression- the intentional use of physical force
or power, threatened or actual against oneself,
another person or against a group or community,
that either results in or has a high likelihood or
resulting in injury, death, psychological harm,
maldevelopment, or deprivation.”
(Schechtmnan, Z., & Ifargan, M., 2009, p.342)
CREATE AN ANGER THERMOMETER:
SELF AWARENESS




What are the behavioral symptoms of different
levels of my anger?
What are the thoughts that come to my mind
(e.g. angel and devil cartoon) that pull me up the
ladder of 1-10?
Use 1-10 scale to help you “catch” the anger
before it gets to the 5 level and to do alternative
behaviors.
Make a list of alternative behs. (e.g. time out,
beh, relaxation, a physical activity outside,
journaling, active listening and perspective
taking, etc.)
BEHAVIORS I DO WHEN I AM ANGRY
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
Pretend I am not angry
Ignore or use the silent treatment against people.
Call names.
Tease.
Insult and make hurtful remarks.
Talk about someone’s friends, family members, etc.
Yell.
Push, shove, kick.
Bite.
Use obscene gestures.
Curse.
Threaten.
Hit.
Slam doors.
Throw things.
Other: _________________
Other: _________________
ANGER SCALE

Do self monitoring.

Avoid peaks and valleys.



See how much you can keep your level closer to
low or medium.
Notice and process triggers and perceptions.
Note: there may be a difference between child’s
self perception and the perception of those
around him or her. Discuss this in session.
THE INVESTIGATOR
Interview others in your life who handle anger well.
(Discuss this beforehand with the client).

How do you control your temper?

What are some triggers of anger for you? What
aggravates you?

How do you handle it in healthy ways?

What do I seem to do when I am aggravated?

If you were watching me on a tape what do you think
it would see me doing?

Any suggestions about things I could do better or
differently?

What do you think I should do when I start to feel
angry?
KNOWING YOUR TRIGGERS
Trigger
What I Have Done
Someone calls me a
name
Yell back at them
People lie about what
they actually did to me.
Peers make faces when
I walk by and say things
under their breath
about me.
People laugh at me and
look in my direction.
My best friend stopped
talking to me suddenly
What I Can Do
Instead
ALTERNATIVE SELF STATEMENTS
I can take a deep breath.
 I have a choice here. I will do _________________.
 I am not responsible for other people’s behavior.
I can remain mature even when the other person
keeps it up by doing ____________________.
 Instead of staying in the situation I can go
_______________________.
 I don’t have to keep quiet about what they have
done to me. I can talk to _________ about it.
 I can choose alternative activities. There are
many things I like to do. I am not stuck . Now I
will do _______________.

SHRINK THE PICTURE
Draw the thing that stresses you very big with
lots of color and words and excitement.
 Now try and draw it in this little box.
 What happens when it loses its power over you?
 How can you act like things don’t just have power
to get you so easily?

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Negotiate win-win situations
 Try to find a solution where both people get
something positive out of it.
Assert your rights.

Practice being firm and calm but direct as you state
what you need without putting down the other.
Communicate.




Share your feelings in words, not actions.
What is your version of what happened?
Listen to their versions of what happened .
Do NOT argue about the details but respect each
other’s position.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Seek mediation.



If you can’t solve things yourself seek a third
party.
Don’t pick someone to take sides but just
someone who will help the two of you talk.
Choose someone who will help the two of you
come to an agreement.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Fight fair.

Allow room for each person to share using I
statements.

No blaming or accusing.

Avoid personality descriptions.

Stick to behaviors.


Focus more on listening and hearing than
proving your own point.
If you still can’t agree, agree to disagree.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Fight fair.

Allow room for each person to share using I
statements.

No blaming or accusing.

Avoid personality descriptions.

Stick to behaviors.


Focus more on listening and hearing than
proving your own point.
If you still can’t agree, agree to disagree.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Set goals.


Decide on the problems at hand.
Instead of getting personal stick to what goals
are important and set behavioral terms for how
you might achieve them.

Possibly use the “camera check” method.

Make sure goals are measurable and achievable.

Create a plan for how you will valuate whether or
not the goals worked.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Work for change.

Do something socially productive in your school,
home, or community to deal with the issue.
FEELINGS BOX



A place where the child can put his/her feelings
Can be combined with “ Messages” and
techniques in counseling for anxiety reduction
Take out the “trash” and celebrate
BASIC BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
PRINCIPLES

Behaviors are governed by antecedents and
consequences

For a specific person

About a specific behavior that is:
Identifiable
Measurable
Modifiable
Achievable

Centered around certain conditions (where, when,
who, etc.)

Behaviors are designed to meet needs (attention
seeking, escape or avoidance, control, self-expression)
COMPONENTS OF EFFECTIVE RULES

What the desired behavior is

How it is supposed to be done

When the child is expected to follow through

Where it is to be performed

What the consequence/reward is
PRACTICE EXERCISES:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE RULES?
Bad Rule
 Don’t go past the
neighbors house.
Good Rule
?
Would you please sit in
your seat like I told you?
?
If you keep it up you
will be in big trouble.
?



Do your chores.
?
PRINCIPLES OF TIME OUT
(EVERETT, G.E., HUPP, S.D.A., & OLMI,
D.J., 2010)


Still considered the most effective approach with
behavior problems
Not only a technique in itself but part of a larger
parenting program
Elements of Time Out:
 Statement why used
 Warning of consequences for continued misbehavior
 Instructions and directions re. time out
implementation
 Locations set up in advance conducive to time out
 Escape contingencies- holding, barriers, punishment)
 Release procedures- what needs to occur and for how
long
 Behavioral demonstration of expected skills
STRENGTHS-BASED SOLUTIONFOCUSED APPROACHES



Assumption that all children have some strengths
Uses cognitive reframing to refocus issues of concern
onto strengths that the child may have but not
applying to current situation
Counseling children needs to address four quadrants:
1. Personal strengths
2. Personal obstacles
3. Environmental strengths
4. Environmental obstacles

Counseling is personalized to the specific child’s
capacities, interests, and resources

Use metaphors to relate to the child based on his/her
interests
GIVING & ACCEPTING COMPLIMENTS

Not automatic for everyone
What is something you can phrase behaviorally
and positively and you would like to see more of.
 Put this into words.

EXERCISE: COMPLIMENTS



You can be a little clumsy. You wish you could run
faster. You are also one of the last to arrive at the
finish line. You notice, however, that Bob really is an
excellent runner and usually gets to the finish line
first.
Math is a tough subject for you. Anna is on the honor
roll and is always willing to help her group learn new
concepts in math.
Terry comes from a poor family. The food he eats
looks kind of different to you but he has a way of
putting together stuff to come up with a meal you
never thought of. It has given you some interesting
ideas how to not waste food at your house.
THE GOOD CHARACTER BOX
Name:
 Action:
 How it contributed to the environment being
better

ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES
Being tolerant of people who are not exactly like
us
 Showing respect for different ways of doing
things
 Allowing many means to an end

EXERCISES: ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES



The new child is from a country overseas that I never
heard of. He seems to eat some weird foods at lunch.
I wouldn’t want to eat them.
Two of the students I was paired with for my science
project are from bad neighborhoods with gangs and
crime. I live in a nice area with big houses.
My mom and dad do not live together anymore. They
are divorced but my friend has the same mom and
dad, brother, and sisters in his home. She does not
know what it is like to go back and forth between two
houses.
ROLE MODELS
Think of qualities you admire? Who has these?
 How could you develop the qualities you admire in
people?

Person
Quality
Behavioral Goal
Mom
Giving, Unselfish
Donate time at a a soup kitchen
Teacher
Willing to assist
those who don’t
understand
things
Friend Mary
Tells the truth
Neighbor John
Welcoming to new
people
Minister David
Kind, GentleHearted
CHILD’S RELAXATION SCRIPT
OLLENDICK, T. H. & CERNY, J.A. (1981). CLINICAL BEHAVIOR
THERAPY WITH CHILDREN. NEW YORK: PLENUM PRESS.
Hands and arms: Pretend you have a whole lemon
in your left hand. Now squeeze it hard. Try to
squeeze all the juice out. Feel the tightness in
your hand and arm as you squeeze. Now drop
the lemon. Notice how your muscles feel when
they are relaxed. Take another lemon and
squeeze it. Try to squeeze this one harder than
you did the first one. That’s right. Real hard.
Now drop your lemon and relax. See how much
better your hand and arm feel when they are
relaxed. Once again, take a lemon in your left
hand and squeeze all the juice out. Don’t leave a
single drop. Squeeze hard. Good. Now relax and
let and let the lemon fall from your hand.
(Repeat the process for the right hand and arm).
CHILD’S RELAXATION SCRIPT
OLLENDICK, T. H. & CERNY, J.A. (1981). CLINICAL BEHAVIOR
THERAPY WITH CHILDREN. NEW YORK: PLENUM PRESS.

Arms and shoulders: Pretend you are a furry, lazy
cat. You want to stretch. Stretch your arms out in
front of you. Raise them up high over your head. Way
back. Feel the pull in your shoulders. Stretch higher.
Now just let your arms drop back to your side. Okay,
kitten stretch again. Stretch your arms out in front of
you. Raise them over your head. Pull them back,
way back. Pull hard. Now let them drop quickly.
Good. Notice how your shoulders feel more relaxed.
This time let’s have a great big stretch. Try to touch
the ceiling. Stretch your arms way out in front. Raise
them up way up high over your head. Push them
way, way back. Notice the tension and pull in your
arms and shoulders. Hold tight, now. Great, Let
them drop very quickly and feel how good it is to be
relaxed. It feels good and warm and lazy.
CHILD’S RELAXATION SCRIPT
OLLENDICK, T. H. & CERNY, J.A. (1981). CLINICAL BEHAVIOR
THERAPY WITH CHILDREN. NEW YORK: PLENUM PRESS.
Shoulder and neck: Now pretend you are a turtle.
You’re sitting out on a rock by a nice, peaceful pond,
just relaxing in the warm sun. It feels nice and warm
and safe here. Uh-oh! You sense danger. Pull your
head into your house. Try to pull your shoulders up
to your ears and push your head down into your
shoulders. Hold in tight. It isn’t easy to be a turtle in
a shell, The danger is past now. You can come out
into the warm sunshine Watch out now! More
danger. Hurry, pull your head back into your house
and hold it tight. You have to be closed in tight to
protect yourself, Okay, you can relax now. Bring in
your head out and let your shoulders relax. Notice
how much better it feels to be relaxed then to be all
tight. One more time, now. Danger! Pull your head
in. Push your shoulders way up to your ears and hold
tight. Don’t let even a tiny piece of your head show
outside your shell. Hold it. Feel the tense ness in
your neck and shoulders. Okay. You can come out
now. It’s safe again. Relax and feel comfortable in
your safety. There’s no more danger. Nothing to
worry about. Nothing to be afraid of. You feel good.
CHILD’S RELAXATION SCRIPT
OLLENDICK, T. H. & CERNY, J.A. (1981). CLINICAL BEHAVIOR
THERAPY WITH CHILDREN. NEW YORK: PLENUM PRESS

Jaw: You have a giant jawbreaker bubble gum in your
mouth. It’s very hard to chew. Bite down on it.
Hard! Let your neck muscles help you. Now relax.
Just let your jaw hang loose. Notice how good it feels
just to let your jaw drop. Okay, let’s tackle that
jawbreaker once again now. Bite down. Hard! Try to
squeeze it out between your teeth. That’s good.
You’re really tearing that gum up. Now relax again.
Just let your jaw drop off your face. It feels so good to
just let go and not have to fight that bubble gum.
Okay, one more time. We’re really going to tear it up
this time. Bite down. Hard as you can Harder. Oh,
you’re really working hard. Good. Now relax. Try to
relax your whole body. You’ve beaten the bubble
gum. Let yourself go as loose as you can.
CHILD’S RELAXATION SCRIPT
OLLENDICK, T. H. & CERNY, J.A. (1981). CLINICAL BEHAVIOR
THERAPY WITH CHILDREN. NEW YORK: PLENUM PRESS.
Face and Nose: Here comes a pesky old fly. He has
landed on your nose. Try to get him off without using
your hands. That’s right, wrinkle up your nose.
Make as many wrinkles in your nose as you can.
Scrunch your nose up real hard. Good. You’ve chased
him away. Now you can relax your nose. Oops, here
he comes back again. Shoo him off. Wrinkle it up
hard. Hold it just as tight as you can. Okay, he flew
away. You can relax your face. Notice that when you
scrunch up your nose that your cheeks and your
mouth and your forehead and your eyes all help you,
and they get tight too. So when you relax your nose,
your whole face relaxes too and that feels good. Ohoh! This time that old fly has come back but this time
he has landed on your forehead. Make lots of
wrinkles Try to catch him between all those wrinkles,
hold it tight now. Okay, you can let go. He’s gone for
good. Now you can just relax. Let your face go
smooth, no wrinkles anywhere. Your face feels nice
and smooth and relaxed.
CHILD’S RELAXATION SCRIPT
OLLENDICK, T. H. & CERNY, J.A. (1981). CLINICAL BEHAVIOR
THERAPY WITH CHILDREN. NEW YORK: PLENUM PRESS.

Stomach: Hey! Here comes a cute baby elephant. But he’s not
watching where he is going. He doesn’t see you lying there in
the grass and he’s about to step on your stomach. Don’t move.
You don’t have time to get out of the way. Just get ready for
him. Make your stomach very hard. Tighten up your stomach
muscles real tight. Hold it. It looks like he is going the other
way. You can relax now. Let your stomach go soft. Let it be
as relaxed as you can. That feels so much better. Oops, he’s
coming this way again. Get ready. Tighten up your stomach.
Real hard. If he steps on you when your stomach is hard, it
won’t hurt. Make your stomach into a rock. Okay, he’s
moving away again. You can relax now. Kind of settle down,
get comfortable, and relax. Notice the difference between a
tight stomach and a relaxed one. That’s how we want it to
feel- nice and loose and relaxed. You won’t believe this, but
this time he’s really coming your way and no turning around.
He’s headed straight for you. Tighten up. Tighten hard. Here
he comes. This is really it. You’ve got to hold on tight. He’s
stepping on you. He’s stepped over you. Now he’s gone for
good. You can relax completely. You’re safe. Everything is
okay and you can feel nice and relaxed.
CHILD’S RELAXATION SCRIPT
OLLENDICK, T. H. & CERNY, J.A. (1981). CLINICAL BEHAVIOR
THERAPY WITH CHILDREN. NEW YORK: PLENUM PRESS.
Stomach #2: This time imagine that you want to
squeeze through a narrow fence and the boards
have splinters on them. You’ll have to make
yourself very skinny of you’re going to make it
through. Suck your stomach in. Try to squeeze
it up against your backbone. Try to be as skinny
as you can. You’ve got to get through. Now
relax. You don’t have to be skinny now. Just
relax and feel your stomach being warm and
loose. Okay. Let’s try to get through that fence
now. Squeeze up your stomach. Make it touch
your backbone. Get it real small and tight. Get
as skinny as you can. Hold tight now. You’ve got
to squeeze through. You got through that skinny
little fence and no splinters. You can relax now.
Settle back and let your stomach come back out
where it belongs. You can feel really good now.
You’ve done fine.
CHILD’S RELAXATION SCRIPT
OLLENDICK, T. H. & CERNY, J.A. (1981). CLINICAL BEHAVIOR
THERAPY WITH CHILDREN. NEW YORK: PLENUM PRESS.

Legs and feet: Now pretend that you are standing
barefoot in a big, fat mud puddle. Squish your toes
down deep into the mud. Try to get your feet down
top the bottom of the mud puddle. You’ll probably
need your legs to help you push. Push down, spread
your toes apart, and feel the mud squish between
your toes. Now step and feel how nice that is. It feels
good to be relaxed. Back into the mud puddle.
Squish your toes down. Let your leg muscles help you
push your feet down. Push your feet hard. Try to
squeeze that mud puddle dry. Okay. Come back out
now. Relax your feet, relax your legs, relax your toes.
It feels so good to be relaxed. No tenseness anywhere.
You feel kind of warm and tingly.
BIBLIOTHERAPY

Seen as having excellent outcomes with many
families

Using therapist assigned readings written on age
level

Less threatening than each person sharing his or her
own story

Goals:

Self awareness as identifying with characters with
similar issues

Realistic solutions to real problems offered

Solutions consistent with clinically supported
literature
BIBLIOTHERAPY
Techniques:

Summarizing and discussing the story

Describing the characters’ issues and ways of dealing with
things

Consideration of (talk therapy, drawing, or role playing
alternative endings)

Awareness of antecedents, behaviors and consequences

Exploring generalizabilty beyond the story context to the
client/family’s lives

Daydreaming- 1 year, 5 years later if similar coping
strategies employed

“Dear Abby” column with story characters

Solution-focus: how did the character/you manage?
Strengths?
STOPLIGHT METHOD



STOP
THINK
(Consider the
consequences)
ACT
RAINY VERSUS SUNNY THOUGHTS


Cognitive-behavioral
skills
Can adapt with stuffed
animals- “angel/devil” on
the shoulders (two parts
of me) exercise
TYPES OF SOCIAL SKILLS
Friendship Making Skills
 a. introductory skills
 b. beginning and joining in a conversation
 c. how to join in a group
 d. fairness and sharing, playing games
 e. giving and receiving compliments
 f. suggesting an activity
 g. Showing understanding of another’s feelings
TYPES OF SOCIAL SKILLS
Skill Alternatives to Aggression and Stress
 a. using self control methods
 b. dealing with being left out or embarrassed
 c. dealing with losing
 d. reacting to failure
 e. problem solving
 f. responding to “no”
 g. dealing with an accusation
 h. apologizing
 i. dealing with another person’s anger
 j. saying “no” - group pressure
 k. setting goals
TYPES OF SOCIAL SKILLS
Understanding Emotions: Knowing Your Feelings
 a. identifying emotions, associated bodily
sensations, facial expressions, body postures, and
situations when these emotions are felt
 b. perceptual perspective- taking/understating
another person’s point of view
 c. recognizing and understanding another’s
feelings
 d. dealing with fear
 e. cognitive perspective taking/understanding
another’s point of view
 f. advanced emotional perspective taking
TYPES OF SOCIAL SKILLS
Classroom Survival Skills
 a. contributing to discussion’s, ignoring
distractions
 b. asking for help

HANDLING CHANGE
Change can be prepared for
 Two categories: what I can and can’t control

What I wished
What I can’t control
What I can do
EXERCISES: HANDLING CHANGE
Situation
I found out my best
friend is moving to
another state.
I keep struggling in
math class and the
material is getting
harder.
Dad got a new job
and his hours are
such that I won’t see
him much.
Our class trip was
cancelled.
My new jacket I love
got dirty so I had to
wear one I don’t like.
What I can’t
Control
What I can Do
DEALING WITH SOMETHING I CAN’T HAVE

SAY “I would like to have _____ but I can’t have
it right now.”
THINK about other choices:
 Ask again later.
 Find something else to do.
 Ask to borrow it.
 Ask to share it,
 Ask to do things to earn one.
 Wait your turn.
 Accept that you are not allowed with a good
attitude.

DEALING WITH PEER PRESSURE
What values are important to?
How can I convey those values ahead of time?
What boundaries do I need to create?
EXERCISE: PEER PRESSURE

What do you say and do when these situations
arise?
Your friends plan to get into the school after
hours to “just play a trick on the teacher and
mess up the room a little.” They tell you no one
will figure it out.
 You are underage but your friends want you to
sneak into an R rated movie with them.
 One of your friends is struggling in school so she
asks if she can copy your papers.
 Your parents don’t let you have candy. Your
friend suggests you shoplift some with them
because no one is looking.

ASSERTIVENESS INSTEAD OF AGGRESSION
Stating your message clearly and directly
 NOT lowering yourself to other people’s levels
because of how they are mistreating you
 NOT cowering or backing down
 NOT remaining silent on important matters.

EXERCISES: HOW WOULD YOU SPEAK UP
ASSERTIVELY
Another kid bullies you.
 Aggression: you punch him in the face to make
him learn a lesson.
 Assertiveness: You state an I message about how
name calling makes you feel and what you will do
if he calls you a name again.

The kids in your project group know you fail in
school so they don’t want you messing it up for
them so they ask to do the whole project.
 Aggression:
 Assertiveness:

EXERCISES: HOW WOULD YOU SPEAK UP
ASSERTIVELY
You stole food. The evidence is there as the
wrappers are in your stuff but instead you blame
someone else.
 Aggression:


Assertiveness:
APOLOGIZING






Direct
Specific
With empathy for other
With understanding
With a specific plan of behavioral goals for in the
future
Example: I can’t imagine how embarrassed you must
have felt when you saw the “kick me” sign on your
back and found out it was from me. I am sorry for
embarrassing you. I will not try to get back at you for
teasing me anymore. Instead I will talk to you about
how we can treat each other better and be kind again.
EXERCISE: APOLOGIZING
You promised your mom you would clean the
house when she left to get groceries but you did
not do anything while she was gone. When you
tried to hide your stuff quickly you heard the
door opening.
 You told your parents that you did not smoke
with your friends when they smelled the
cigarette smell on your coat and clothes but you
really did and lied.
 You lost your cool and verbally “went off” on the
other child.

PHOTOTHERAPY (WEISE, J., 2001)

Using photos for therapeutic purposes

Speaking the client’s language


Like the idea of “camera check” method (concrete,
observable pictures)
Interacting with metaphors
PHOTOTHERAPY (WEISE, J., 2001)
Areas that may be addressed:

Sense of self at a certain time vs. now

Others sense of you (posed) versus how you personally
think you really are

Perceptions of interactions

Choices as to who is/is not in the picture

Intentional decisions about what was commemorated
versus what was not

Links to other images

Therapeutic discussion re. why freezing this moment
in time was important to you

Role of variables like context, time
PEER PAIRING
(MERVIS, B.A., 2001)

Builds social skills in a way individual counseling
cannot

Helpful to those with limited community
resources

Useful for children largely ignored by the system

Like a mini-therapeutic group

Good for children with poor impulse control

Useful for kids on “equal” levels- not the same as
mentoring

Can be inviting guests to the session or mini
group of two
ADOLESCENT COUNSELING:
TASKS OF PSYCHOTHERAPY

Listening

Observing

Role Modeling

Providing a safe environment

Educating

Praise, encouragement, support

Clarifying

Dealing with conflict

Assisting in developing skills to trust inner voice

Coping with peer pressure
THE RELATIONSHIP PYRAMID
WHAT THE TEEN WANTS TO KNOW
(BRASKI, K.M., 1999)
Can I trust this person?
 Does he/she really care?
 Do they really understand?
 How can this person help me?
 What tools can they offer me that I can use
myself?
 How will they handle my changes (silent
treatment, moods, anger, worldviews)?
 How will this person deal with my costuming?

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