Transcript Polyamory:

Polyamory: A Crash Course
for the Curious
By Psychotherapist/Sex Therapist, Nan Wise, LCSW,
ACSW
Author of “Outrageous Intimacy: Lessons from the
Adventurous”
www.OutrageousIntimacy.com
973-632-0625
The Poly Parrot
Other Poly Symbols
Disclaimer
• Do not jump into Polyamory without serious
consideration and lots of coaching (you can reach
me at 973-632-0625 for a phone consultation)
• Monogamy is a valid love-style, and so is Polyamory
• Polyamory can be a problem-creating lifestyle if not
done mindfully, and even then, there were be lots of
opportunities for growth.
• Polyamory has all the problems of monogamy and
then some.
• If you enjoy communicating, if complexity in relating
is a turn-on for you, do consider Polyamory!
• If not, you might wish to stick with simpler forms of
relationship. Traditional swinging is an alternative.
Speaking the New Love Lingo
• Polyamory: definition: from the Greek and
Latin roots meaning “many loves.” First
proposed by Oberon and Morning Glory Zell
to replace “Responsible Nonmonogamy.”
Generally refers to love-styles that involve
more than one partner, openly with the
knowledge and consent of all involved.
• Some argue that Polyamory needn’t include
sexuality, and can refer to multiple loves
without the relationships being sexual.
Characteristics of polyamorous
relationships
• What the various forms have in common is
that they are both sexual and loving—or
sexualoving (Anapol,1992) —with no
separation between sex and love—
contrasting with casual, recreational sex.
• Polyamorous relationships involve
consciously choosing a particular love-style
rather than automatically accepting the
culturally defined, prescribed forms of
relationship.
The evolution of terminology:
• Nonmonogamy used to mean having more than one
spouse during a lifetime. It now means having more
than one sexual partner during the same time period.
• Traditionally, Nonmonogamy has often been nonconsensual
• Consensual Nonmonogamy has been called
Negotiated Nonmonogamy or Responsible
Nonmonogamy
• Polyamory is one form of Consensual
Nonmonogamy, Swinging is another
• Polyamory can include all of the following and more:
• Polyfidelity
• Poly singles
• Open marriage/Open relationship v. Expanded
Relationship, Open-ended Marriage
• Group marriage
• Multilateral marriage, Line marriage
• Intimate networks
• Triads/Quads
• Nonexclusive relationship
• Intimate friendship
• Inclusive relationship
• Couples who are currently monogamous who do not
intend to remain exclusive
Polyamory: The Skill Sets
The same skill
sets necessary
for traditional
relationships are
necessary for
Polyamory. And
you need to get
really, really good
at them.
“Polyamory is a
lot like
monogamy, just
with more
people.”
Ken Haslam, MD
Polyamory as a theory as well as
a practice
Five principal outlined by Emens in
“Monogamy’s Law”
1) Self Knowledge as not only valuable, but
necessary—the daily substrate of healthy
relationships (Anapol).
2) Radical Honesty (Brad Blanton): a
heightened emphasis on communication and
truth-telling about nonmonogamy is the most
distinctive aspect of Polyamory
More poly philosophy
3) Consent: Honesty forms the basis of
consent. Partners make informed decisions
after received detailed information.
Negotiating and keeping agreements is a
huge focus of poly relating. The emphasis is
on “true” consent rather than “enforced”
consent.
4) Self-Possession: Emphasizes autonomy in
relationship (contrast with the couple-front)
in order to avoid merging into one human
being.
And most distinctly:
5) Privileging Love and Sex: particular
to Polyamory is the idea that when it
comes to love and sex, more
expression and experience may truly
be better than less.
“Love is that condition wherein another
person’s happiness is essential to
your own.”
Robert Heinlein
What’s triggers people about
Responsible Nonmonogamy?
• The resistance of our culture to legitimizing
responsible nonmonogamy as a lifestyle may be due
to:
• Concerns about polygamy (more specifically)
polygyny as being exploitive of women
• Eliciting of other taboos (fears), i.e., “what about the
kids? (e.g., homosexuals as potential pedophiles).
• The Paradox of Prevalence (Monogamy’s Law,
Emens, 2003).
– “The widespread resistance to the idea of
marriage between more than two people is
actually the result of monogamy’s failure. The
threat of Polyamory in a sense stems from it’s
apparent prevalence.”
More reasons Polyamory is
controversial
– Most people may want to sleep with other
people, but they resist the impulse. From
this perspective Polyamory may seem
indulgent or greedy.
– Polyamory involves telling our partners
what we are up to. We are then confronted
with our feelings about our partners
having equal rights to explore with others.
We are challenged to confront our fears,
jealousy, and insecurity.
Polyamory will become
Polyagony without. . .
• Extreme Emotional intelligence
• Fostering connection and attunement
• Learning how to avoid emotional
hijackings by constructively coping
with JEALOUSY and managing NEW
RELATIONSHIP ENERGY
• Becoming a master of Negotiating and
keeping Agreements