Transcript Relationships - Youth Quest Home Page

Family Style Living and
Relationship Building
Pre-Service Workshop
Youth Quest aims to:
• Building Healthy
Relationships
• Family Style Living
• Dealing With Stress
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RELATIONSHIPS FORM
OVER TIME THROUGH A
CONTINUAL PROCESS THAT
INVOLVES COMMON
EXPERIENCES AND INTERESTS.
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Teach Children
to have
Relationships
• with their own family
• with Treatment
Families
• with teachers and
community leaders
• with friends
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Communicating
Relationships in
Teaching
DELIVERY
• Nurturing with Teaching
• Include Quality Components
BALANCE
• Eliminate Robotic Delivery
• Develop Appropriate
Tolerances
• Maintain Appropriate
Boundaries
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BALANCE THE
HEAD and HEART
• Technology
– Training
– Consultation
– Common sense
– Judgment
• Connection
– Compassion
– Patience
– Understanding
– Empathy vs
Sympathy
• Structure
– Rules
– Guidelines
– Limits
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There are no “relationship
guarantees” that ensure
customer satisfaction.
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Building Relationships
is like Building a
House. You need a :
• firm foundation
• good set of tools
• dedicated routine
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Qualities of Healthy
Relationships
Smiling
Having Fun
Playing
Incorporating Humor
Learning to Laugh at Yourself
Empathy
Praising
Listening
Thoughtfulness
Give and Take
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Smiling
If you see someone
without a smile, give
them one of yours.
• Shows warmth
• Instills trust
• Viewed as friendly and
approachable
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Having Fun
Laughter is a tranquilizer
that has no side effects.
• Creates a warm environment
• Demonstrates “human” side
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PLAY
There is a kid in all of
us.
• Use games to teach
• Games teach lessons
about life
– Sharing
– Respecting Others
– Taking Responsibility
– Following Rules
– Accepting Defeat
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Humor
If you can laugh at it,
you can live with it.
• Contagious
• Eliminates dwelling on the
“bad”
• Healthy
• Creates a positive
environment in you home
• Avoid sarcasm
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Empathy
There is no better exercise for
the heart than reaching down
and lifting someone up.
• Understand feelings
• Process of healing and hope
• Look through youth’s eyes
• Help share pain and fear
• Soothes way for teaching
• Shows you care
• Not an excuse for misbehavior
• Be sincere
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Praise
Nothing improves a
person’s hearing more
than praise.
• Helps kids grow
emotionally
• Keeps treatment
positive
• Improves self-esteem
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Important Elements
of Good Listening
• Eye contact
• Be understanding
• Use appropriate facial
expressions and body
language
• Restate the message
• Physical touch can be a
powerful communicator
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Thoughtfulness
No man can sincerely help
another without helping himself.
• Doing or saying nice things
• Little acts of kindness
• Compliments
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Give and Take
We too often love things and use
people when we should be using
things and loving people.
• Golden rule
• Promotes teamwork
• Teaches/models compassion
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Strong Relationships Can
Withstand Pain
“best of times, worst of
times”
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illness
academic problems
disrespect
anger
rebellion
depression
negative peer group
alcohol & drugs
family conflict
family tragedy
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Reasons Why You Should
Build Relationships with
Youth
• The youth will spend more time with
you.
• The youth will model your behavior.
• Your feedback has a greater impact.
• Creates a more pleasant atmosphere
in the home.
• Opens communication between you
and the youth.
• All human beings need relationships
to grow.
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Adults cannot make a
lasting difference in a
child’s life if there is no
personal connection.
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Traditions and fun time are
especially important when an
individual is experiencing
changes and transitions.
• To Create More Fun / Relaxing
Time:
– Schedule it
– Have family nights regularly /
Family pictures
– Take advantage of time you
already spend with the youth
– Be spontaneous!!
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Assessing Family
Relationships in Your
Home
• How much time do the youth spend
with you?
• Do the youth do things to please you
and other family members?
• Do they volunteer?
• Do they show appropriate affection?
• Do you like to spend time with the
youth?
• Does the family laugh together?
• Are the youth loyal to your home?
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Staying Happy
CHECK TOLERANCE LEVELS
TEACH
GET ENOUGH REST
TAKE NAPS DURING THE DAY
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WEEKENDS
LIMIT WORK DISCUSSION DURING OFF TIME
ARRANGE PRIVATE AREAS TO STIMULATE
RELAXATION
PHYSICAL EXCERCISE
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Family Style Living &
Relationship Building
Resources
Things to add
• Take youth on vacations
– Take program youth with you
– Take no program youth with you
is second best option
– Do not leave one program youth
and take another, especially to
Disneyland
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•
There are many reasons for developing positive
relationships:
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The youth is more likely to spend time with the
Family Teachers and in the home. He/she's less
likely to run away should serious problems
develop - and if he/she does, he/she'll be more
likely to come back.
The youth will be more likely to imitate the Family
Teachers. He/she will be more likely to identify
with their opinions and to agree with rationales
they use in explaining certain rules and
procedures in the home. Also, he/she would be
more likely to model the appropriate social
behaviors that Family Teachers use and teach.
The youth is much more likely to be affected by
the Family Teacher's feedback. Praise for his/her
good behavior and disapproval for problems that
might develop are much more likely to affect a
youth who has a good relationship with his/her
Family Teachers.
The youth is much more likely to be
communicative in the home. He/she would be
more likely to want to converse with Family
Teachers, and to initiate these types of
conversations. It gives the Family Teachers and
the youths a chance to learn the preferences and
dislikes of one another.
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The youth is much more likely to
protect the program by defending it
in front of peers and adults who may
be critics. This is extremely
important in developing
cohesiveness in the home - that
everyone in the home see
themselves as part of it and are
willing to defend it against critics and
to support it in front of other people.
The youths and Family Teachers will
get infinitely more satisfaction from
each other's presence and from their
involvement in the program if both
parties like one another.
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• Not only will a Family Teacher want to
increase attention and compliments for
what a problem behavior youth is doing
well, but she or he will want to increase
the amount of fun interactions where
teaching or problem solving are not a
major focus. Simultaneously, counseling
sessions might be increased particularly
sessions where understanding the
youth's feelings and needs are the focus
rather than the solving of problems.
Counseling might follow "intensive
teaching" interactions or situations where
major consequences were given. In these
instances, the focus would again be to
understand and empathize with the youth
and help him/her understand that the
interaction or consequences were
motivated by concern.
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FAMILY TEACHER
SKILLS
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The following skills and activities have proven beneficial in
developing good relationships with youths. The list might be
periodically reviewed - particularly when a problem relationship
exists.
Being affectionate
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Being brief and specific
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when praising
when correcting
firm, but pleasant when confronting
Celebrating birthdays
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when praising
when correcting
when describing alternative behaviors
Calm, pleasant voice
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touching
saying "I like you"
your own
your family
your youths
Celebrating holidays
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• Concern - saying "I'm concerned"
– when correcting
– when teaching a skill critical to a youth's well
being (e.g., doing homework)
• Correcting in a concerned manner
– saying "I'm concerned"
– using positive correction (teach an alternative
behavior) - praising improvement
– praising how correction is accepted
• Creating a pleasant environment
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Good surroundings
Good meals
Time for work
Time for fun
• Fairness
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Saying “I want to be fair”
Teaching what fairness is
Giving opportunities to speak
Voting at family meetings
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Fun each day (30 minutes of family fun)
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Giving points
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when an expected behavior occurs
when improvement occurs
when a "good try" occurs
Giving rationales
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joking and laughing
playing games
rap sessions
contests
when praising
when teaching new behaviors
when correcting
when giving negative consequence
Have in-home vacations (weekend or holiday)
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relax program after things have gone well
have youths decide on activities
be together
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Offer help
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Offer time for a youth's concerns
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Daily counseling for new youths
Daily counseling for youth “in trouble”
Time to speak at family meetings
Daily point conferences
Praise, praise, praise
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learning new skills
with problems
with homework
for accomplishments
for any appropriate behavior
for small improvements
for "good tries"
particularly in front of visitors
Politeness
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by youth
Promote politeness between youths
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• Positive correction
– Teach alternatives when correcting
– Provide opportunities to earn lost privileges
• Show you are on her/his side
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by saying "I'm concerned"
by saying "I want to help"
by praising
by correcting at home and praising in public - by
defending youths to others
• Smile, smile, smile
• Empathy
– for frustrations
– for tragedies in youth's life
• Time with each youth (15 minutes each day)
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on homework
Just talking
reviewing cards
going shopping
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• Frequently, youths like routine rough housing and
physical playfulness on the part of the Family
Teachers.
• Of course, each youth is an individual and there
are differences in the ways they respond to
affection.
• One youth may enjoy a gentle touch, while
another youth feels uncomfortable.
• Almost all youths like positive comments and
compliments.
• If a youth has difficulty with accepting positive
feedback, teach him/her how to say "thank you" to
a positive comment and how to enjoy this
expression of affection.
• Show affection to youths even if they initially have
difficulty being affectionate.
• Statements and gestures of affection are
extremely important to youth even though they
have some problems with it.
• Teach them how to accept and enjoy affection.
Merely modeling acceptance and displays of
affection can be very helpful.
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Other Suggestions
• Touch on importance of
Positive corrections
• Teach youth good social
behavior
• Do in-home vacations
• Have regular family nights
• Avoid raising tolerance levels
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• Similarly, have daily counseling sessions
with youths having major problems. It's
important to demonstrate concern by
offering the time, but equally important to
take time to express your concern in
words.
This is particularly important if
a youth has had to earn large
consequences for problem behaviors.
• Youths who are doing well in the home
should also be afforded regular
counseling meetings - at least One-half
hour per week. Take care not to assume
that a youth who is functioning very well
may not need time to discuss personal
issues. Counseling sessions for these
youths might be informal "rap sessions"
or a period of time where post graduation
plans or future career goals might be
discussed.
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Be empathetic. The most important problems in the world to a
youth are her/his own personal problems with peers, teachers, and
natural parents. By being empathetic of these problems, the
Family Teachers can begin the development of a relationship. The
Family Teacher should listen to the youth describe these problems.
The youth may cry and be very unhappy at times. It is, of
course, perfectly all right for the youth to cry and show
unhappiness as long as the behavior does not interfere with other
appropriate behavior. The Family Teacher should keep in mind'
that he may not be able to help the youth with many of her/his
severe problems such as having an alcoholic parent. The Family
Teachers can, however, comfort and empathize with the youth
about these types of problems. Merely listening itself can be a
powerful influence. Sincere empathy wil1 have a very important
effect on the development of a relationship between the youth and
the Family Teacher.
Be concerned. It's important that the youths feel that the Family
Teachers are sincerely interested in these future. Thus, the Family
Teacher should explain thus concern for the youth's future. Use
rationales very frequently that relate to the youth's future success
when she leaves Utah Girls' Village - in school, at work, in
personal relationships, etc. Say the words, "I am concerned," or
"We are concerned," when having to give corrective feedback to a
youth. Do not assume that the youths will understand that the work
and effort that you provide for them is a show of concern. Letting
the youths know that this work is out of concern for them by telling
them about your concern is an important facet of communicating
that concern.
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– Show respect. Family Teachers should respect
the opinions of the youths whenever possible.
Family Teachers can show respect by praising
the youths for suggestions that they make.
Even if the Family Teacher does not agree
with a suggestion that a youth makes, she or
he can praise the youth for the fact that he/she
is making a suggestion about the home.
– Have fun. Family Teachers should make sure
that the youths have some period of time each
day when they can have intense fun with one
another. This period of time might last
anywhere from five minutes to an hour. The
Family Teachers need to develop a sensitivity
to the kinds of activities that various youths
enjoy, such as telling jokes, talking, touch in a
joking fashion, wrestling and rough-housing,
trading stories about adventures and
competing with the Family Teachers in games
such as ping-pong and pool.
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• Have activities as a family unit. Go out and have fun
as a family frequently. Approximately once a week
take the youths out to eat at an informal restaurant
such as Pizza Hut, go bowling, skating, to a movie, or
whatever outing the family desires. Again, the normal
teaching and control might be relaxed during the
outing time. Do the teaching such as table manners,
how to order at a restaurant, etc., prior to the outing
so that fun can be the primary goal that the family has
when together.
• It's also a good idea to take a yearly vacation. The
vacation allows the youths to plan a camping trip
from where to go, how long to stay, how much it
costs, etc. They learn a lot and generally have
more fun when they are a part of the planning.
• Some homes frequently enjoy having parties to
celebrate special occasions such as Valentine's
Day, Fourth of July, St. Patrick's Day or whatever
excuse they can find for having a special occasion
gathering. Of course, it's a good idea to regularly
celebrate each youth's birthday. Getting the
youths involved in making arrangements for the
party, making the food, and buying the presents
can be another way of developing cohesiveness
in the family.
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– Be pleasant. Just as the Family Teachers want the
youths to be polite and considerate, the youths are
going to like it most when the Family Teachers are
polite and considerate to them. The normal
courtesies of "please" and "thank you" and
speaking in a calm tone of voice should both be
modeled for the youths so that they may learn
these skills and also be used in day-today
interactions just out of respect for the youths.
Considerate and gentle social behaviors, even
when instructing and disciplining, will strengthen the
positive relationships between the Family Teachers
and the youths.
– Spend time with each Youth each day. As
mentioned, the Family Teacher should spend some
time with each youth individually every day. When
time is short, this may only be a 15-minute
counseling or "rap session". There are many
opportunities to spend individual time watt, a youth
- such as in preparing dinner, counseling, teaching
him/her something about his/her school work,
playing pool, shooting basketball, conversing about
some topic of sex education, or just spending tame
together while reading a newspaper.
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– Be flexible. It's important that the youths
understand that the goal of the program is to
help them be more successful and to be
happier in their lives. This means that there is
nothing absolute about anything about the
program. The Family Teacher needs to explain
in detail that the only reason for a program to
exist is to help the youths. If a youth
demonstrates a mature attitude in wanting to
change some part of the program, the Family
Teacher might want to seize on this
opportunity to demonstrate to the youth that
the program is flexible and adaptable to
his/her needs. The Point Systems, Family
Meeting, or anything else about the program
are only tools used to help the youths.
Nothing about their occurrence is sacred or
untouchable. Any changes that the youth
suggests that would make them better tools
for them and for the Family Teachers ought to
be seriously considered.
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– Be fair. Discuss fairness with the
youths frequently. Whenever you have
to take away a privilege or points, tell
the youth the reason. The giving of
reasons for why things occur is an
extremely important aspect of fairness.
Let the youths know that you are
concerned that they improve in their
social behaviors. Say the words "fair"
and "concern" frequently. Ask the
youths repeatedly if they think certain
consequences are fair. In this way, you
will demonstrate to the youths that
fairness is a real concern that you
have as their Family Teacher.
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•
Utilize family meeting
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Even when the Family Teachers know exactly what the
decision should be and what. consequences would be
appropriate, it is still a good practice to ask the youths
for their input. For example, suppose someone was
setting fires in wastebaskets in the home. Such a
situation is obviously very serious and strong
consequences are necessary to ensure that it is
stopped. Even so, the Family Teachers should involve
the youths in the decision. Once a Family Teacher
describes to the youths the dangers involved and
realizes they understand these dangers, a Family
Teacher might seek their input as to what type of
consequence should occur for such a serious offense.
As a rule, the Family Teachers should always ask the
youths when a decision has been made, "What do you
think?" or "How do you feel about that?" or "Is that
fair?" In this way, the youths will learn to understand the
concern for fairness that the Family Teachers have.
This is extremely important in demonstrating to the
youths what fairness is and in demonstrating that the
Family Teachers desire to be fair.
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• The point being made here is
that no rule nor any procedure
can be separate from its
consequences. If youths can
responsibly handle a privilege,
for example, the privilege can
be maintained. Should they be
irresponsible, the privilege
might be lost. A Family
Teachers' goal is teaching this
responsibility.
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• Human relationships are a two-way system. The
youths must be just as concerned with pleasing
the Family Teacher as the Family Teacher is in
pleasing the youths for the relationship to
maintain itself. Teach the youths what behaviors
please you and expect them to engage in those
behaviors when they are around you. For
instance, it's critical for the youths and for the
Family Teachers that the youth learn to respond to
instructions and to feedback in non-aversive
manners. Your task, as a Family Teacher, is
teaching and if the youth cannot follow
instructions or accept feedback well, both of you
are going to find your relationship very
unpleasant. Each interaction that you have where
instructions and feedback are given is an
opportunity for the youth to learn how to behave in
a pleasant manner while receiving feedback and
instructions.
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• Realizing that the Family Teacher is
ultimately the authority in the home
and that the task of the Family
Teacher as the authority is
sometimes to give negative
consequences, some research was
done asking the youths about
behaviors they preferred from
Family Teachers. Youths were
asked which behaviors they like
and disliked in their Family
Teachers. The following list was
generated:
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• LIKED BEHAVIORS:
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Calm, pleasant voice tone
Offering or providing help
Joking
Positive feedback
Giving points
Explanations of how or what to do
specifically
Giving of rationales
Fairness Concern Politeness
Being specific and getting to the point
Smiling
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• DISLIKED BEHAVIORS:
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Describing only inappropriate behaviors Anger
Negative feedback
Profanity
Lack of understanding
Being bossy and demanding
Unfair point exchanges
Bad attitude
Unpleasant physical contact
Mean, insulting remarks
Not being given the opportunity to speak
Shouting
Accusing
Blaming statements
Throwing objects
Unfriendliness
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• From this list of preferred social behaviors, it is
possible to identify several behaviors that the
Family Teachers ought to frequently use - even
when correcting youth:
– Be pleasant - use a calm voice tone.
– Smile.
– Say positive, complimentary things about any good
thing the youth does.
– Be specific.
– Always explain alternative behaviors when
correcting a youth.
– Use motivational incentives or rewards for
appropriate behaviors.
– Joke with the youth when correcting him/her.
– Tell her/him you are concerned.
– Question him/her about the fairness of the
consequence.
– Always give her/him a reason why a consequence
ought to be given.
• These are preferred ways for the Family Teacher
to behave even though he/she at times has to
cons equate the youth.
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• The two most obvious ways of assessing
the degree of relationship that you have
with youths are to: (1) observe the
amount of time that the youths spend
around you, and (2) occasionally ask the
youths to do things that have no positive
consequence for them. If the youth
spends a considerable amount of time
with you and will do things merely
because you ask him/her and offer no
reward, then you can be reasonably
assured of a good, sound relationship.
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• Of course, all the components that
we've talked about in relationship
building are also indexes of
degrees of positive relationship. If
the youth says he/she likes you,
touches you, jokes with you, is
frequently with you, etc., then you
can be reasonably assured of a
good, positive relationship
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• There are two other checks that Family
Teachers can make on themselves
concerning their efforts to promote
relationships. One is very simply how
much time is spent in your own living
area versus the area where the youths
congregate. The other is how frequently
do you attend youth athletic, academic
and social functions. Both are important
indexes of the Family Teachers'
relationship building effort.
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PRINCIPLE:
Youths who have had a history of negative
relationships with adults will tend to
have negative relationships with Family
Teachers. Youths can learn to improve
their relationships with adults in two
ways:
1. Adult behavior being acceptable to
youths
2. Youth behavior being acceptable to
adults
Rationale:
Pleasant behaviors set the stage for a
mutually pleasant relationship to
develop and continue.
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• PRINCIPLE: Just as a Family Teacher
needs pleasant behaviors in interacting
with youths, the youth's behavior needs
to be acceptable to the Family Teacher
for a strong relationship to develop and
continue.
– THEREFORE Family Teachers need to
promote pleasant behaviors in each youth.
These behaviors are found in the Bays Town
Family and Community Living Skills
Curriculum.
• RATIONALE: Pleasant behaviors help the
youth to form good relationships with
many people - including those with whom
he/she lives.
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Some key skills that make
family-style living pleasant
are:
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accepting criticism
concern for privacy
concern for possessions
cooperation
following instructions
giving compliments
greeting family members
helping others
accepting "no“
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Joking
loyalty
laughing
mannerliness
positive statements
sensitivity
speaking to others
volunteering
disagreeing appropriately
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Family Style Living and
Relationship Building
Pre-Service Workshop