Transcript No Slide Title

Polyamory 101
Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.
Definitions
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Polygamy - More Than One Spouse
Polygyny - More Than One Wife
Polyandry - More Than One Husband
Monogamy - One Spouse
Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time
Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates
Polyamory - Multiple Committed Loving
Relationships
Polyamory’s Origins
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Group Marriage (Constantine, 1973)
Hot & Cool Sex (Francoeur, 1974)
Intimate Networks
Utopian Swinging
The Kerista Commune (polyfidelity)
More University
Human Awareness Institute (HAI)
– communication processes
• Oneida Community
The Oneida Community
• 19th c. 500-person group marriage
founded by John Humphrey Noyes
• Coitus Reservatus
• Complex Marriage
• Banned Pair Bonding
• Ascending Fellowship
• Stirpiculture Breeding Program
The Kerista Commune
• SF based intentional community
• 25 years (early 70s -- mid-90s)
• Compersion (invented the word)
– no jealousy (Pines & Aronson, 1981)
• Polyfidelity
– starling brothers and sisters
• B-FICs -- Best Friend Identity Clusters
Poly Culture
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Support Groups / Pot Lucks
E - lists/groups
Loving More Magazine
Conferences
Honesty
– Complete Honesty
• Safe Sex
– Very Safe Sex (viral and emotional)
Poly Players
• Science Fiction Aficionados
– Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)
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Utopian Swingers
Frustrated by Monogamy
Independent Idealists
Socially Challenged
Research Overview
• 58 males
• 82 females
• Peak Baby Boomers
– male median age -- 45
– female median age -- 43
Ages in 2002
60
Wolfe
50
Cosmo
40
Cavallero
30
Larsen
20
Schubach
10
Caust
0
Gilmartin
Race and Education
• 94.3% White
• Highly Educated
– 98.3% of males and 100% of females had
attended college
– 39.7% of males and 40.2% of females had
graduate degrees
Poly Configurations
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Independent Single
Open Couple
Primary and Secondary Partners
Multiple Primary Partners
Triad -- V or
Quad
Intimate Network
Table 3 – Relationship Types
Open Monogamous
Polyamorous with a Primary Partner
Polyamorous with Multiple Primary Partners
Polyamorous with Primary and Secondary Partners
Polyfidelitous Triad
Polyfidelitous Network
Monogamous
Single and Dating
Other
14.3%
34.1%
13.2%
18.7%
5.5%
1.1%
2.2%
4.4%
6.6%
• Altogether 48.4% could easily be considered “open couples”
Living Arrangements
60%
40%
Wolfe
20%
U.S. Census
0%
Spouse
Lover
Alone
•Poly residential patterns differ substantially from the 2000 U.S. Census
Children, Cats & Dogs
40%
30%
Wolfe
20%
U.S. Census
10%
0%
Children
Cats
Dogs
Table 8 – Current Religious Affiliation
Pagan/Wicca
Buddhism
Christian
None/Atheist
Other
Loving More
30%
9%
28%
29%
4%
*40% do not attend any religious services or rituals
Wolfe
29%
8%
12%
15%
19%
Poly in Print
• The Polyfidelity Primer (Nearing, 1992)
• Love Without Limits (Anapol, 1992,
1997)
• The Ethical Slut (Easton & Liszt, 1997)
• Loving More Magazine (early 90s present)
• Plural Loves (Anderlini-D’Onofrio, 2005)
• 40+ mainstream newspaper/magazine
articles
Poly Speak:
The Language of Polyamory
• Compersion
– loving empathy for one’s partner being
loved/engaged by others
• New Relationship Energy (NRE)
• Other Significant Other (OSO)
• Primary, Secondary, Tertiary
– maintain social family hierarchy
• Polyfidelity
– sexually faithful to one’s family
Poly Cultural Challenges
• Integrating romantic love and nonpossessiveness in a Western context
• Letting go of Western culture’s
celebration of “the one.”
• Preventing new lovers from displacing
long time partners
• Accepting differences between partners’
emotional and sexual styles.
Sexual Orientation - Poly
80
60
Heterosexual
40
Bisexual
20
Homosexual
0
Total
Male
Female
Sexual Orientation- Swingers
100
80
60
Heterosexual
40
Bisexual
20
Homosexual
0
Total
Male
Female
Kinsey Scale - Poly
50
40
30
Females
20
Males
10
0
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
Kinsey Scale - Swingers
80
60
Females
40
Males
20
0
0
1
2
3
4
5
6
Safer Sex Practices
• Fluid Bond Agreements
• Over 80% use condoms
• Women (84%) much more concerned
than men (55%) in discussing STD and
birth control status with a new lover.
• Partner Approval
– 64.4% of swingers
– 58.4% of poly women
– 35.7% of poly men
Visiting Other Lovers
• Agreements (written, unspoken, subject
to renegotiation)
• Half report their partner spends 10
nights a year or less visiting other lovers
• Typical visiting patterns were between
once a week and twice a month
• Only five respondents reported visiting
patterns of two-three times a week.
Are There Favorites?
• NRE is regarded as an explanation for
why a new lover may feel like the
favorite.
• 50% of women reported loving their
partners equally.
• 62.5% of men reported they had a
favorite lover.
Favorite Partners?
60
50
Partner's Favorite?
40
Is Partner Your
Favorite?
30
20
10
0
Always
Often
Sometimes
Never
Regarding one’s partner as a favorite lover largely parallels feeling like
one is one’s partner’s favorite lover.
Compersion
Compersion Measures
• Watching a partner being sexual with
someone else
• Being Watched by One’s Partner…
• Feelings about partner spending the
night with other lovers
• What happens when partner returns…
• Impact of poly dating on home
relationship
• Change relationship agreements?
Compersion Index
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11 point scale
Median 9.12
Only 7.9% less then 7.
Compersive thinking is largely the norm
for the people who participated in my
survey
Compersion Total
12.00
10.00
8.00
6.00
4.00
2.00
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0
20
40
60
80
100
120
Statistically Significant
Correlations
• Males more compersive than females
– greater number of partners per year--less
attachment--sense of abundance
• Those who report that they love each of
their lovers equally
– embrace poly ideology
• Heterosexuals who masturbate
frequently
– more substantial inner life
Actualizing Compersion
• Developed Inner Life
– masturbation, spirituality, meditation
• Full Plate Life
– busy with work, family, lovers
– Extended Family of Choice
• Gullible
– believe in poly ideology
• High Serotonin Uptake
• Fears of Loss not actualized.
Polyamory as a
Relationship Strategy
• Long term monogamous couples
eventually differentiate
– Their NRE diminishes--they have less
interest/need for sex with each other
• Polyamory addresses this sexual
emotional vacancy with a NRE
enhanced new lovers while maintaining
the comfort and security of home and
family
How Jealousy is
Negotiated
• New loves do not replace or displace in
place partners.
• Belief that there is not just one “one”
– Go for broke romantic love discouraged
• Celebration of “starling relationships”
– Compersion embraced
• Full Plate Lives
– High serotonin levels
Is it possible to be in
love with more than
one sweetie?
• Its very possible to be in lust with many
partners
• Its possible to be in the attachment
phase with multiple partners
• The attraction phase may be a monoexperience
– easily provokes high levels of jealousy