Transcript Document

Seven things to do...
before you
share your final draft
#1 "In my opinion..." Clauses
Original: I believe that video games cause children to act in an
aggressive manner toward their peers and caregivers.
Revised: Video games cause children to act in an
aggressive manner towards their peers and caregivers.
In my opinion... (cont.)
Original: After watching Game Over and reading Video Game
Violence and Grand Theft Childhood, I believe that video
games cause children to act in an aggressive manner toward
their peers and caregivers.
Revised: Game Over, Video Game Violence, and Grand
Theft Childhood support that video games cause children to
act in an aggressive manner toward their peers and
caregivers.
#2: What's wrong here?
In the fourteenth century, you
had to struggle to simply
survive.
Revised: In the fourteenth
century, a person had to
struggle to simply survive.
#2: What's wrong here?
As a parent you should do
everything you can to protect
your kids from exposure to
violence in video games.
Revised: As a parent, one
should do everything one can
do to protect one's kids from
exposure to violence in video
games.
Pretentious much?
"Incidentally, one can get beaten up in
school simply by referring to oneself
as one"
- Dr. Sheldon Cooper
Original: As a parent, one should
do everything one can do to
protect one's children from
exposure to violence in video
games.
Revised: Parents should
make an effort to protect
their children from violent
video games.
#3 Wordiness
The television has been the hearth of the home for almost sixty
years. We as a society should spend less time watching
television and more time talking to family and friends
The television has been the hearth of the home for almost
sixty years. Americans should spend less time watching
television and more time talking to family and friends.
#4 Awkward (AWK) sent. structure
"The sweep is so rare and difficult because each race has
unique demands and the series as a whole requires unusual
ruggedness."
"The sweep is so rare and difficult because each
race has unique demands and the series as a
whole requires unusual ruggedness. Racehorses
usually do best with about a month between
races. In the Triple Crown they must race three
times in 36 days, over three different tracks, and
at three different distances, all longer than most
have ever tried before."
- Steven Crist (USAir Magazine)
Omitting important words, not focusing on the subject and verb,
and...
...not integrating quotes correctly (#5)
(attribute quote)
"He never forgot his origins among the desert wanderers and cattlemen.
Despite the gilded mermaids and white pianos of his ludicrous quarters in
Tripoli, he preferred to live in a tent, and always travelled abroad with one"
(Muammar Qaddafi).
Examples...
The Economist states, “[Qaddafi]
never forgot his origins among
the desert wanderers and
cattlemen. Despite the gilded
mermaids and white pianos of his
ludicrous quarters in Tripoli, he
preferred to live in a tent, and
always travelled abroad with
one.”
The Economist featured an
obituary of Muammar Qaddafi;
this obituary stated that the
dictator “never forgot his origins
among the desert wanderers and
cattlemen. Despite the gilded
mermaids and white pianos of his
ludicrous quarters in Tripoli, he
preferred to live in a tent, and
always travelled abroad with
one.”
#6 Consistent Verb Tense
present, past, perfect, and past perfect...
Be consistent.
#7 Avoid Contractions
(the easiest thing you can check off of this list)
In summary...
1. "I believe"
2. Using "you" appropriately
3. Needless phrases
4. AWK sentences
5. Implementing quotes
6. Consistent verb tense
7. No contractions! (unless...)
Works Cited
Kolln, Martha. Rhetorical Grammar: Grammatical Choices, Rhetorical Effects.
New York: Pearson Education, 2007. Print.
Strunk, William, and E. B. White. The Elements of Style. New York: Macmillan,
1972. Print.
"Muammar Qaddafi | The Economist." The Economist - World News, Politics,
Economics, Business & Finance. Web. 24 Oct. 2011.
Images accessed from:
Dinosaurs. Photograph. Discount Toys. Web. 24 Oct. 2011.
<http://www.discounttoysonsaleprice.com/12_piece_Large_Assorted_Dinosaurs_
__Toys_5_7_Larger_Size_Dinosaur_Figures>.
Sheldon Cooper. Photograph. 80stees.com. Web. 24 Oct. 2011.
<xhttp://www.80stees.com/products/Oneself-Sheldon-Cooper-Shirt.asp>.
Friar Lawrence. Photograph. Romeo and Juliet. Web. 24 Oct. 2011.
<http://www.oocities.org/thetropics/shores/1539/>.