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Finally, grab a cup of coffee, and settle back to learn about Collaborative Law.

Here are the first of nine questions to ask yourself as reflective on how you might deal with others in a collaborative process.

1. Appearance versus Reality

Are you willing to permit information contradicting your images to influence or change your interpretation of the other person or the situation?

2. Feelings versus Value Judgments 3.

4. The Person as an Individual Staying Connected

Can you separate your feeling from your natural instinct long enough to gather the necessary facts and data to form a more objective assessment? Are you capable of human interaction based on the common traits you have with others? In conflict, can you accept your reactions without suppressing them and allowing yourself to be governed by them? 4

… And the remaining five questions. 5. Balancing of Interests

Will you identify and share your important interest?

6. Empathy 7. Self-realization 8. Truth-speaking 9. Human Nature

Are you prepared to be honest with your feelings and attentive to the feelings of others? Are you capable of leaving the comfort zone of predictable reactions? Can you be aware of any habitual communication styles you have and be attentive to the reaction of others to your manner of communicating? Are you aware of the different motivations that influence your orientation in life? 5

To listen is also to communicate, and there are two emotional factors that affect most conversations:

How you feel about the other person’s ideas 2.

What you believe the other person feels about your ideas Once you understand the role emotions play in communications, you will be able to place yourself in the other person’s shoes. interest in other people. That old cliché means you have empathy, a quality that can be cultivated by developing genuine Empathy is recognizing that others are entitled to their own beliefs, just as you are, and that they have certain needs to satisfy and goals to achieve, just as you do. To be a successful collaboration professional you must possess great empathy and sensitivity to the needs and wants of others. The secret to empathy is understanding and caring. You must be able to communicate in both words and actions that you are interested in them as individuals. They need to know that you appreciate their efforts and that their accomplishments are recognized.

You can climb the ladder to becoming a better listener by using these six easy steps:

– Look at the person speaking to you

- Ask questions

- Don’t interrupt

- Don't change the subject

- Empathize

- Respond verbally & non-verbally

When we strive to make every day into a team effort, we seek to discover the best in others which somehow brings out the best in ourselves.

Hearing is an autonomic or involuntary reaction of the nervous system and senses . Listening is a voluntary act that requires concentration and willingness. 7

If you really want a collaborative outcome you must be willing to work at it, and you can’t solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that gave rise to the problem.

Effective listening requires:  Attention  Appreciation  Affirmation Better listening does not just start with a set of techniques; it starts with making a sincere effort to pay attention to what’s going on in your conversational partner’s private world of experience. Understanding one another is a give and take process. The best way to get the listening you need is to make the other person feel listened to first. Effective communication is not achieved simply by taking turns talking but requires a concerted effort at mutual understanding.

We communicate every day with different types of people in all sorts of situations. If you want to better get across your message, it is important to examine three fundamental principles of successful interpersonal communication.

The human mind functions in an orderly way, but it can only concentrate on one thought at a time and in an illogical order, the listener will have difficulty trying to follow and understand the message you are trying to convey. . When you communicate a number of ideas rapidly 2.

The human mind transposes words into pictures, and, because words mean different things to different people, the with those needs. responses they produce may not be the same for everyone . When you begin to recognize the needs of others, you will use certain words that elicit an emotional response in harmony 3. Too many words will clutter communications and can cause misunderstanding and undesired responses.

Anytime you demonstrate a willingness to listen with a minimum of defensiveness, criticism, or impatience, you are giving the gift of understanding and earning the right to have it reciprocated.

Misunderstandings

We don’t usually stop to examine patterns of misunderstanding in our lives, because we’re stuck in our own point of view. Misunderstandings hurt, and when we are hurt we tend to look outside ourselves for explanations. In this linear thinking we often reduce human interactions to a matter of personalities. When we assume the other person is a jerk, it reinforces our own passivity and lack of willingness to genuinely interact. We write off people who have a pattern of non-responsiveness, assuming their character is fixed, but it only proves that these individuals trigger many people to play out the reciprocal role in their dramas of two way disharmony.

Mutual Respect

Good communication skills are mutual respect skills and each person should show respect for the other as well as respect for self. You can demonstrate respect by listening fully and affirming that you understand what that person means and you respect yourself when you assert or propose your own legitimate self interest without aggression. To have a complete communication, each person must both get and give.

Anyone can become angry. That’s easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time for the right purpose and in the right way is not so easy.



It’s not wrong

to employ the following styles and approaches to communication since we do it every day in our casual, professional, and business relationships.  However, it is

strongly suggested

that, as a collaborative professional, you modify your listening response

to not include these as a regular response.

Advising, Giving Solutions or Suggestions

Telling people how to solve a problem or dilemma, giving advice or suggestions, and providing answers and solutions for them prevents them from thinking through the problem, considering alternative solutions, and identifying the real and personal issues comprising the situation, which can result in dependency or resistance. Using words like, “What I would do is…”; “Why don’t you…”; “Let me suggest…” can imply a person is not able to identify relevant issues and resolve her own problems. Even people who ask for guidance should be encouraged to attain self-determination; to the extent they are able.

Ordering, Directing, Commanding

Telling a person to do something; giving the person an order or command, or saying, “You must…”, “You have to…”, promotes rebellious behavior and retaliation. or “You will…” can produce fear or active resistance. This invites “testing” and

Moralizing, Preaching, Should, and Ought

Invoking vague outside authority as accepted fiat and truth, such as “You should…”; “You ought to…” or “It is your responsibility…” and defend their position even more. When we hear “who says creates obligation and feelings of guilt. This can cause a person to be resistive ,” it can communicate a lack of trust in our sense of responsibility.

Warning, Threatening, Promising

Telling a person what consequences or promises are rewarding or punishing, like “If you don’t then…” anger, and rebellion.

or “You’d better, or…” can produce fear or submissiveness. This invites testing of threatened consequences and can result in resentment,

Teaching, Lecturing, Giving Logical Arguments

Trying to influence the person with facts, counter-argument, logic, information, or your personal opinions by saying “Here is why you are wrong…”; “The facts are…” or “Yes, but…” provokes defensive positioning and counter-arguments often motivating the person to attempt the illogical to prove their point.

Praising, Agreeing

Offering a positive evaluation or judgment and agreement with “Well, I think you’re doing a great job!” implies high expectations as well as surveillance of the person’s compliance and can be seen as patronizing or as a manipulative effort to encourage desired behavior and can cause anxiety when the person’s perception of self does not match others’ praise.

or “You’re right! That person sounds dreadful” 14

Judging, Criticizing, Disagreeing, Blaming

Making a negative judgment or evaluation of the person with a statement such as “You are not thinking maturely…” acceptance (“I am bad”) or or retaliation “You are lazy…” implies incompetence, stupidity, poor judgment and cuts off communication from the person over fear of negative judgment or criticism. This repetitive style can encourage (“You’re not so great yourself”).

8. Shaming, Ridiculing, Chastising

Making the person feel foolish, putting the person into a category, or shaming by saying things like, “Crybaby,” “Okay Mr. Smarty…,” or “Stop whining” can cause someone to feel unworthy, stereotyped, or viewed in a false light. This can have an adverse effect of self-image and often provokes verbal retaliation.

9. Interpreting, Analyzing, Diagnosing

Telling the person what his or her motives are or analyzing why the person is doing or saying something and communicating that you have him or her figured out can be threatening and frustrating. “What’s wrong with you is…,” “You’re just tired,” or exposure.

or “You don’t really mean that ” can make someone feel trapped, exposed, or not believed and can inhibit communication for fear of distortion 15

10.

Withdrawing, Distracting, Humoring, Diverting

Trying to get the person away from the problem; withdrawing from the problem yourself; distracting the person; kidding the person out of it, or pushing the problem aside by saying such things as, “Let’s talk about more pleasant things” or “Why don’t you try running the world!” can infer a person’s problems are unimportant, petty, or invalid. Remaining silent or turning away stops openness from a person when he or she is experiencing a difficult or serious situation.

11.

Probing, Questioning, Interrogating

This technique occurs in trying to find reasons, motives, causes or searching for more information to help solve the problem. “Why…,” “Who…,” “What…,” “How…” elicits this type of response, but since answering questions often results in getting subsequent criticism or solutions, people often learn to reply with non-answers, avoidance, half-truths, or lies. We can lose sight of our real concern while answering mundane questions spawned by the other person’s interests.

12.

Reassuring, Sympathizing, Consoling, Supporting

Trying to make the person feel better, talking the person out of their feelings or trying to make the feelings go away denies the strength and relevance of a person’s feelings. “Don’t worry,” “Oh, cheer up!” “It’s not that bad…” causes a person to feel misunderstood and can evoke strong feelings of hostility, and the person can be hearing you say it’s not alright for them to feel bad, in the face of what they are feeling.

There is sometimes a need to be assertive without coming off as arrogant, aggressive, and offensive; or ignoring your self-interests and being perceived as timid, submissive, and a doormat. The art of this balance is being confident enough to be assertive of personal rights and boundaries while respectful of others 1.

Know the distinction between being assertive versus being aggressive or arrogant…

assertive people promote their rights rather than stepping on those of others.

Have clear boundaries when dealing with others…

if you are clear where the limits are, then others will know as well.

Politely but directly let people know your position…

do not allow your position, point of view, or feelings to be ignored or discounted; your needs are important too.

Affirm yourself and your good qualities…

develop self-confidence and positive self esteem. Who better is there to love you than yourself?

Know what you want…

there is a time and place to go along with others, but there is also a time to reach for your own dreams.

Avoid being timid…

while aggressiveness steps on the rights of others, being timid sacrifices your own rights. Do not allow others to roll over you.

Be willing to clearly say either yes or no and stand by your answer…

allow yourself to develop opinions and maintain them.

Avoid arrogance…

dominance and controlling tendencies impinge on others from being themselves.

When opinions are in question, give yourself permission to disclose yours…

let others know your viewpoint and recognize that it is as significant as anyone else’s.

10.

Take responsibility for yourself…

quieter spirits.

do not make excuses and require that others around you also take responsibility for themselves and their actions. Avoid being codependent and be careful not to dominate others with

   The first characteristic of an effective listener is that of being attentive and showing genuine interest continue. In addition, attempt to: in what the speaker is saying. This can be accomplished by mirroring the body posture of the sender, either by positioning the body in a posture that is leaning forward in an open, accepting way, or sitting back in an attentive yet relaxed, reflective manner. Eye contact should be maintained with the speaker, if it is not threatening, and behaviors such as nodding the head and smiling will encourage the other person to  Take mental notes of the sender’s message Listen for the unstated message Ask mental questions that probe beyond the surface message Concentrate on substance, not style 20

Listening actively is an intellectual function; hearing is a biological function . Active listeners show they are listening through their facial expressions, body language, and comments. By repeating the other person’s words and identifying their emotion, you demonstrate to them that you are actively listening and that you care about what they are saying. Paraphrasing the other person’s message lets them determine whether or not you correctly interpreted their meaning.

To improve your listening skills, practice the following:

 Be motivated to listen actively by resolving that you want to listen well.

  Be prepared to listen by learning all you can about the subject, the speaker, and the situation and take notes when appropriate.

Be alert to all clues and hidden messages.

 Think about what the speaker is saying as it is being said.

 Put your self in the speaker’s position and try to reach a mutual frame of reference.

 Ask probing and clarifying questions 21

The primary motive for communicating is to convey meaning and to be understood.

A supportive climate occurs when both the sender and receiver feel that their communication is characterized by open, non-judgmental, spontaneous behavior. To this end, the collaborative coach may comment on the feeling behind the person’s words, or the feelings expressed through body language, to show that the listener is supportive of the speaker’s need to be understood. It is enough to identify or affirm the appropriate emotion being displayed by the speaker, without need to explore the underlying cause of that emotion.

The coach’s role is to listen, ask, and identify issues and interests to allow for informed communication and productive listening.

Listening to clarify helps you check assumptions and verify the meaning intended by the person speaking. This is often true with words that express generalized concepts.

Words and phrases like “irresponsible” or “communication problems,” or “personality difficulties,” are good examples of words that are easily misunderstood. If there is the least doubt in your mind, you should ask questions for clarification. These type questions should be open-ended and carry leads such as: “I’m not sure what you mean by…” “Could you please clarify for me…” “Please explain to me what you mean by…” “Would you please say a little more about…” 23

Keep in mind what your body may be conveying in unspoken messages.

 Arms folded across the chest may convey a “closed mind,”   Arms hanging loosely to one’s side conveys “openness.” Tilting the head in one direction or another, or looking at the speaker through the corner of the eye can convey distrust or disbelief. Being aware of what you are doing while you’re listening will ensure that you do not send the wrong nonverbal message to others.

Your behavior can increase or decrease supportive communication.

Supportiveness is decreased when we:

  Evaluate the message Attempt to control our audience   Appear to have ambiguous or multiple attitudes Are so neutral it seems to indicate a lack of concern   Maintain a level of superiority Believe we know the answer and require no additional data

I know exactly what you need to do. First…, then…,

The use of questions is one method of expressing interest in the person’s remarks.

Questions can also be used to:

 Verify how accurately you have understood the party’s message   Verify how accurately your message has been understood Probe another person’s point of view   Stimulate in-depth discussion Encourage new ways of looking at information

Open Questions and Requests

An open question/request can ask for specific or general information. Its main purpose is to give the receiver a chance to respond in a variety of ways and in detail. Use open questions or requests when you want to:  Elicit an in-depth and thoughtful response  Encourage a new approach to an issue, problem, or decision  Probe the listener’s resources, opinions, ideas, and expertise 26

Closed Questions

A closed question asks for a limited response. Often the result is a yes or no response . Use closed questions when you want to:  Verify specific information   Clarify whether or not the message was received Determine how accurately you have understood another person’s message

Probing Questions

Probing questions are a series of open and closed questions designed to focus on a particular issue of concern or an underlying motive. Probing questions are used to get more details, examples, and clarification. They also keep a discussion on target. They are high gain questions effective for getting multiple answers and varying perspectives on an issue. These kinds of questions are excellent to use when you want people to share opinions, insights, or experiences.

CAUTION! As a general rule in probing for information it is better not to ask why.

“Why” questions are often threatening and raise defenses because they confront the other person’s judgment and motives. These questions can be reserved for private discussion in order to not make one party feel vulnerable in the presence of the other.

Interrupting by asking frequent questions, especially in the initial part of the conversation, can distract the other person and deflect from the story that they need to tell. Generally, both clarifying and probing questions should be held until the other person has completed what he or she wants to say.

   

Appropriate questions can guide the parties.

 

Compare/Contrast:

Ask the other person to look for and discuss similarities or differences.

Extension:

A question or request that builds on information already provided.

Clarification:

Questions designed to get further explanation about something already said.

Laundry List:

A technique where the collaboration coach provides the disputant a list of choices or options. This encourages someone to see beyond a single choice and to state a preference.

What If:

Any question that allows people to fantasize or explore an alternative reality by giving themselves a different viewpoint or perspective can open new ideas for resolution.

Think Back:

Ask the disputants to think back on an example of when something happened, and then describe the specific situation. 28

During a discussion, listen for any of the following examples and, if you hear them, probe further for clarification: 1.

Omissions:

Many times a person’s comments appear complete but may leave out key pieces of information.

Nonspecific Nouns:

In a discussion, parties may speak in generalities using words like them, they, and it when referring to specific items or people. As a collaborative professional you must get specific information out in the open.

Words Implying Necessity:

Should, should not, must, cannot

are words heard during collaborative conversations. These items imply a lack of choice that may or may not actually exist. Collaborative professionals may want to develop questions to help the disputants explore these imperatives and generate additional information.

Unspecified Verbs:

Verbs describe action; probe for specific details by asking,

“How?”

Qualifiers:

If you remember taking True/False tests in school, you know that statements beginning with never, always, or all should be evaluated cautiously.

Speaking for Others:

the speaker is expressing his or her own concerns rather than presuming to share the feeling of others.

In a collaborative conversation between two parties, ensure

Inflammatory Language:

change.

The four way meeting is an opportunity to foster unity through appropriate communication skills and language usage. A collaborative professional’s questions and/or statements can be effective tools to bring about 29

When a person pauses,

this. Words like “crying” this may present an opportunity to confirm that you have been listening and that you understand what they are saying by feeding back what you have heard and observed to the other person. It also is a way to check that your perception of what you think you have heard and observed is accurate, as well as to validate for the speaker what he/she is feeling. Generally, try to use neutral language when doing can replace “hysterical” or “liar” can become a person who “disagreed” or “sees differently.”

Paraphrasing is when you restate what the speaker has said using your own words.

Listen for and paraphrase the

feelings

(mad, sad, glad, afraid, frustrated, etc.). 2.

Next, choose a word or phrase that describes the

exact feeling

and

level of

intensity. Remember, anger frequently covers fear, pain, and powerlessness the message.

. When the intense emotions begin to subside, you can then switch to paraphrasing the factual content of The purpose of a lead-in to paraphrasing is to assure the other person that you are not trying to tell her or him how he or she feels . You are simply checking your understanding of the problems and affirming feelings. 30

      Be patient and let a person who needs to vent to do it.

Separate ego from issues , and try not to take venting or the problem too personally.

Try to stick to the other person’s subject. You might want to get at something else, but give the speaker time to finish.

Don’t be too quick to try to move on when the speaker repeats things. Remember: Repetition may indicate that the subject is very important to the speaker and the speaker feels that you really need to hear him on the subject. This is a cue you should try to feedback what the speaker is saying.

If repetition goes on too long, try something like: “Well, it’s clear to me that….is very important to you. Is there anything else that is also important for me to understand?” Be comfortable with silence.

  Review with the other person the purpose of the discussion, The concerns discussed, and the points of agreement.

Discuss what needs to be done next.

This last point is an excellent way to transition into joint problem-solving. Lead-ins that will frame the issue as a joint problem are: “How can we…” “What could be done to…” “What time frame is acceptable to…”

The collaborative professional develops speaking skills not only for her own use but also to encourage and coach the use of such skills. 1.

Speaking for Self: “I” Statements

Speaking for self is a way to take responsibility for your awareness, feelings, and actions; it differentiates your experience from the experience of others.

It allows you to identify yourself as the source and originator of your message, gives information about your thoughts and feelings, and helps avoid blaming and attacking the other person. Rather than saying, wrong!” try saying “I look at that differently.” “You’re Some speaking for self stems:  The way I see it is…  I don’t really believe that…  I agree that…

The way I see it is…

Agreement Statements

Agreement stating offers moral support and common ground as a foundation to continue dialogue. It helps prevent an adversarial position at the onset. You simply state that portion of the other person’s viewpoint that you agree with as a preface to stating your own opinion. This highlights commonalities and areas of agreement and helps build a cooperative spirit.

Some agreement statement stems:  You’re right that…   You’ve got a good point when you say that… I agree that…

Preference Statements

Preference stating helps eliminate assumptions and guesswork for the other party by giving clear information about yourself and what you want and need. When intentions and desires are clarified it provides information needed for negotiation.

Some preference statement stems:  I prefer…    I don’t know if it is possible, but I would like to see… If I had a magic wand… I need… 35

Purpose Statements

Purpose stating makes known your intentions for action so others can understand your motives and are not unknowingly operating at cross purposes with you. It helps the other person to respond more directly to your concerns and to explore possible options.

Some purpose statement stems:  What I’m trying to do is…  I’m hoping to…  My purpose is… The collaborative professional sometimes uses and encourages the use of these techniques directly and sometimes uses them in the form of a question. “If you had a magic wand…”, or “What are you trying to accomplish by that?” or “What’s it going to take to settle this today?” 36

1. Advising and Evaluating

While this is perhaps the most common response , and the one we are all most inclined to employ, it may be the least helpful response. It implies a corrective, suggestive, moralizing, or evaluative attitude on the part of the listener and may give a sense that the listener has formed the response and is not listening to what the speaker is really saying.

2. Analyzing and Interpreting

This type of response may indicate that you want to teach, to tell the other person what her/his problems are (or mean), or to tell the other person what he really feels about the matter. It could make the other person feel defensive and discourage her from revealing more thoughts and feeling. It may imply that you think you know more about the other person than he knows himself.

3. Reassuring and Supporting

This response often indicates that the listener wants to be sympathetic , to reassure, or to reduce the intensity of the speaker’s feelings. It could indicate a denial of the person’s feelings, communicate a lack of interest or understanding on the part of the listener, or tell the other person, “You should not feel this way.” 37

4. Questioning and Probing

Asking clarifying questions may indicate to the other person that you need further information on a particular issue. could put the speaker on the defensive.

Probing questions , asked too soon or too often, may tend to guide others along certain lines, or bring them to a realization or conclusion desired by you, but which is not theirs. It could distract the person from what they mean to be saying, and “why” questions

5. Understanding and Paraphrasing

This response, while the most difficult of the listening skills , indicates to the other person that you want to understand his/her thoughts and feelings. It asks the other person if you have accurately heard her feelings and thoughts. It also helps the other person clarify and understand what he has been saying and can provide a calming effect by assuring you want to be sure you have heard the deeper meaning behind what the other person has indicated about feelings and content.

Look at the speaker with the speaker.

and always keep the other person in view, so you can observe reactions and body language and generally maintain eye contact 2.

Show that you are interested in what the speaker is saying. Encourage by unobtrusive use of “yes”, “I see”, “uh hum”. Use positive body cues at appropriate points, such as nods, smiles, note taking, furrowed brow, etc.

Most of the time lean slightly forward physical movement to a minimum.

toward the speaker. Keep an open, relaxed posture and keep 4.

Engage the speaker by looking for opportunities to subtly mirror his/her cues. Do not mimic, but look for ways to be congruent. For example, if he/she speaks slowly, match the cadence.

Draw the speaker out… Say something like, “I’d like to hear a little more about that, could you elaborate?” 6.

Try to listen to what is being said… What’s missing that you might expect to hear in these circumstances.

Observe how things are said… The emotions, the attitudes behind the words, may be more important than what is actually said. Look beyond the mere words of the speaker uses and remember the importance of tone of voice and body language and posture.

Say little yourself… You cannot listen while you are talking.

Show that you are listening and interested… stages to not interrupt the speaker’s flow.

By asking questions, and giving feedback, re-framing and summarizing. Be careful, however, in the early 41

Communications Respect Issues INTEREST BASED • Don’t argue • Don’t react • Reframe POSITIONAL • Talking and waiting to talk • Interrupt early and often • Disagree with almost everything • Listen Actively • Acknowledge the Person • Threaten • Initial large demands • Involve the other side • Focus on the problem • Ask what’s important to them • Hard on people and problems • Low level of disclosure • Bluffing • Explain what’s important to you • Demands • Separate “wants” from “needs” • Long list of “wants”

Resolution



INTEREST BASED • Satisfy each other’s needs • Use reality to educate • Aim for mutual satisfaction

Negotiation is an interactive communication process by which two or more parties who lack identical interests attempt to find a way to coordinate their behavior or allocate scarce resources in a way that will make them better off than they could be if they were to act alone.

POSITIONAL • Incremental concessions • Legal argument theory • A win for me is a loss for you • Goal is to win as much as you can

 Negotiation is nearly as ubiquitous as human interaction itself and occurs regularly.

POSITIONS:

Parties who are in conflict often think and talk in terms of positions, which are statements or demands framed as solutions. They often involve incomplete information, hidden agendas, a low level of disclosure, threats, and bluffing. Parties locked in positional bargaining see the other negotiator as an opponent, are hard on people and problems, and think in terms of win/lose.

INTERESTS

Underneath the arguments of positions are found interests, which are much broader than positions. They include such things as needs, concerns, and hopes. Interest based negotiation focuses on satisfying as many interests or needs as possible for all negotiators. It is a problem solving process used to reach an integrated solution rather than distributing awards in a win/lose manner. All negotiators interests must be addressed for an agreement to be reached, and they are cooperative problem-solvers rather than opponents.

A GOOD COMMUNICATOR’S ROLE:

Is to try to direct the focus away from stated positions and explore what the parties are really interested in and locate common solutions. From the perspective of the parties it is the difference between listening to respond and listening to understand.

Positional Bargaining...

 is negotiating in a series of positions and alternating solutions that meet particular interests or needs sequentially ordered to preferred outcomes. The opening position is usually the maximum gain hoped for or expected and each subsequent position demands less of the other negotiator with fewer benefits for the person advocating it. Agreement is reached when parties’ positions converge, and they reach an acceptable settlement range.

Interest Based Bargaining…

 is a negotiation strategy focused on satisfying as many interests or needs as possible for all negotiators. It is a problem solving process used to reach an integrated solution rather than distributing rewards in a win/lose manner.

POSITIONAL BARGAINER:



Initial large demand



Low level of disclosure



Bluffing



Threats



Incremental concessions



Hard on people and problems



Legal theory arguments INTEREST BASED BARGAINER:



Asks what is important



Willingness to share information



Generates ideas based on interests



Full exchange of information



Explores interests and needs



Relationships are protected and respected



Examines alternatives for mutual gain

POSITIONAL BARGAINERS

     

Resource is limited (divide the pie) View the other negotiator as an opponent and be hard on him or her A win for me is a loss for you (the zero sum game) Goal is to win as much as you can Concessions are a sign of weakness There is a right solution and it is mine (justice is when I win)



Be on the offensive at all times

It’s my way or the highway!

Take it or leave it.

INTEREST BASED BARGAINER

     

Resource is seen as not limited (expand the pie) All negotiators’ interests must be addressed for an agreement to be reached Focus on interests (needs) not positions (solutions) Parties seek objective and fair standards that all can agree to Belief that there are multiple satisfactory solutions Negotiators are cooperative problem solvers rather than opponents

 

People and issues are separate (respect people but bargain hard on interests) Search for a win/win solution

Interests are needs that a negotiator wants satisfied or met.

There are three types of needs that people have: 

SUBSTANTIVE

Content needs such as money, time, goods, or resources. 

PROCEDURAL

Specific types of behavior or the way something should be done.



RELATIONSHIP

Needs that refer to how one feels, how one is treated, or the conditions for an ongoing relationship (psychological needs).

2.



Identify the interests/needs that you expect to be satisfied as a result of negotiations and be clear on:

Why the needs are important to you

3.

 How important the needs are to you

Speculate on the interests that might be important to the other negotiator.

  Assess why the needs are important to them Assess how important the needs are to them

4.



Begin the negotiation by educating each other about your respective interests.

Be specific about why your interests are important   If the other negotiator presents positions, translate them into terms of interests and do not allow him/her to commit to a particular solution or position Make sure all interests are identified and understood 52

5.

 

Frame the problem in a way that is solvable by a win-win outcome.

Remove egocentricity by reframing in a manner that all can accept.

Include basic interests of all parties.

6.

  Make the framing congruent with the size of the problem to be addressed.

Identify general criteria that must be present in an acceptable settlement.

Look for general agreements in principle.  Identify acceptable objective criteria that will be used to reach more specific agreements. 53

7.

    

Generate multiple options for mutual settlement.

Present multiple proposals Make frequent proposals Vary the content Make package proposals that link solutions to satisfy interests Make sure that more than two options are on the table at any given time

Integrative Option Generation Techniques

• • • • Expand the Pie…where can more resources be located?

Alternating Satisfaction…each negotiator receives 100% of what he/she wants but at different times Trade-Offs…exchange concessions on issues of differing importance to negotiators Integrative Solutions…look for solutions that involve maximum gains and few or no losses for all sides. 54

8. Separate the option generation process from the evaluative process.

9.

 

Work toward agreement:

Use agreement in principle technique, such as a general level of agreement moving toward more specific agreements Building block process (break the problem into small pieces and use the agreements on smaller issues to combine into a general agreement)      Reduce the threat level Educate and be educated about interests of all parties… show genuine concern and respect for all views and feelings Do not exploit another negotiator’s weakness Demonstrate trust Listen and convey that you have heard and understand… restate content (paraphrase) and recognize the appropriate emotion of the speaker. 55

BENEFITS OF POSITIONAL BARGAINING:



May prevent premature concessions

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Does not require trust to work

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Useful in dividing or compromising fixed-sum resources

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Does not require full disclosure of privileged information

BENEFITS OF INTEREST BASED BARGAINING:

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Produces solutions that meet specific interests

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Builds relationships

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Promotes trust

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Models cooperative behavior that may be valuable in the future

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More psychologically satisfying

MAKING THE TRANSITION FROM POSITIONAL TO INTEREST BASED BARGAINING

        

Ignore positions and keep on talking Do not ask for specific solutions early the negotiations Do not respond to positions with counter positions Ask why this has to be a win/lose proposition Ask why a position is important to a party and try to identify underlying interests Conduct trial and error hypothesis testing to identify interests Verbalize and make your interests explicit Separate substantive, procedural, and psychological interests in a stated position Look for general principles behind positions to which all parties can agree

 

Reframe the problem as a search for means to satisfy interests rather than a way to persuade the other party to agree to a position Separate the problem from the people involved

  

Ask for principles by which to evaluate positions offered Respond with several counter proposals and suggest that all merit further investigation to see how they meet the parties’ interests Be patient with the others and yourself…negotiations should not be rushed.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.

If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat.

If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

Sun Tzu, The Art of War 59

The key to being a successful negotiator is to be prepared. You should want to have a systematic preparation to each negotiation and always be

    

Polite and mannerly Logical Reasonable Persistent Patient You will also want to address relationship issues of the negotiation separately from substantive issues, separating the people from the problem.

  

Know Yourself…

Be aware of your particular style of negotiating, with its strengths and weaknesses, and be in control of yourself and your emotions.

Know the Other Side…

Know as much as possible about the person you will be negotiating with, including his/her negotiation style. Talk with colleagues or associates who may have interacted with this person before and are aware of particular strengths and weaknesses.

Plan Before the Negotiation How to Defuse Your Emotions…

If you have negotiated with this person before with a satisfactory outcome, that’s great. However, if the quality of that relationship was less than optimal, mentally review what went wrong and why you reacted as you did. Remember, you can control your emotions and reactions easier than you can change others.

 

Manage the Working Relationship…

Take unconditional responsibility and control over the quality of the working relationship you develop.

The key to this is pre-planning how to build that effective working relationship and continuing to look for ways to build trust and respect, keep reason and emotion in balance, and enhance communication

.

Be Ready to Listen and Observe…

Prepare for a two-way communication and be able and ready to listen.

Do not rehearse lines or stay with a prepared text, because that won’t allow you to be flexible enough to pay attention and listen to what the other side is actually saying. You must have flexible assumptions and be alert that distractions during the negotiations might interfere with your ability to really hear what the other side is intending to say. If you think you heard what you thought they said, you had better ask some clarifying questions. You should anticipate what the other side will say, but have a plan if you recognize a different message. Be cognizant of that little voice in your head that keeps you from listening fully and effectively.



Deliver Your Message so it is Understood…

Think of how the other side might interpret your statements in light of their assumptions and bias regarding you. Reframe your statements when possible to accommodate the listener and be attentive to cues reflecting uncertainty or confusion. Speak in a style and manner that mirrors a comfortable communication pattern for the parties.

Effective negotiation occurs when both sides get something from the interaction.

If you know what’s important to you, and you know what’s important to the other side, you need not fear the result of a hundred negotiations.

This presentation was based on the document, “The Collaborative Professional,” prepared by Tony Belak. It can be read in its entirety by clicking on the link below.

THE COLLABORATIVE PROFESSIONAL

I can’t talk to you anymore!

I don’t WANT to talk to you!

We can help them solve their differences.

Tip:

To toggle between this presentation and Microsoft Word, click “Alt” + “Tab.” 64