Transcript Battling Divorce Dragons: Play Therapy with Little Knights

Battling Divorce Dragons:
Play Therapy with
Little Knights
By Jane L. Johnson, LLC, LCSW, RPT-S
The Play Therapist’s Workshop
Fort Collins, Colorado
April 17, 2015
Impact of Divorce on Kids
Determining Factors:
- Child’s age, gender, development
- Pre-existing problems: Special Needs,
Adoption, Trauma
- Quality of Parent Child Relationship
- Number of Transitions; moves, schedule
changes, re-marriage, multiple legal battles
- Symptoms resulting
Psychological and Physical Health
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Decrease in academic achievement
Decrease in psychological adjustment
Decrease in self-esteem
Decrease in social competence, conduct
Risk of developmental delays
Risk for psychopathology
Physical health problems
Unintentional injuries
Risky health related behaviors
High Conflict Divorces
• Skirmishes-Settling financial and Custodial
Disagreements
• Ongoing Battles – Rage and Resentment
• No Man’s Land – Parental Alienation
• Scorched Earth Tactics – Repeated legal battles
with crazymaking attacks
Parent-Child Relationships after Divorce
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Positive relationship with both parents
Affinity with one parent
Allied children
Estranged children
Alienated children
Protective Factors
• Individual – sense of control, accurate
attributions
• Parent-child attachment bonds remain secure
• Family – protection from parent’s conflict,
parents’ overall psychological well-being
• Outside Family – other adult role models, strong
support network
• Resilience
Signs & Themes of Divorce Adjustment
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Shock and Disbelief
Making Nice - Denial
Separation Anxiety
Chaos, loss of control
Parenting quality
Change
Loss
Turmoil
Acceptance
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Appearance of Normal
Hiding, Burying
Mommy don’t leave
Toys all over the place
Moving, “flitting around”
Broken, dead, gone
Never-ending Battles
Peace
Return to Creativity
The Battle Zone
Signs & Themes of Divorce Conflict
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From Misery to relief: the range of reactions
Safe retreats; secure bases and safe havens
Transition Days; Back in the battle
Taking Sides; Divided Loyalties,
Multi-front Battles; Caught in the Middle
Behind enemy lines; pigeons, phone calls, texts
Held hostage; living at dad/mom’s house
Allies and Enemies in the Playroom
Aliens in No Man’s Land
• Bad-mouthing, people pleasing
• Dead Beat Parents
• Criticism, Empathy and Sympathy
• Parent Alienation; Little Soldiers
• Child Alienation; Little Dictators
Being Switzerland
• Neutrality Above All
• Professional Objectivity
• It’s a steep drop off
Custody and Consent
1. Verify Parental Decision-making; divorce decree
Joint decision-making in mental health matters
2. Review Therapist Disclosure, Financial and
HIPAA paperwork
3. Read through and explain Parent Permission
and agreement to avoid therapist’s involvement
in legal disputes and litigation.
Therapist Duties as Assigned
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FOCUS on the child in joint sessions with parents
Create a Safe Atmosphere for the family
Assess psychological impact of divorce
Therapeutic interventions focus on the child
Holding parents accountable
Educating parents
Strengthening parent-child relationships
Advocating for the child. Use best practices.
Educating Parents
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Observe each parent in a session with the child
Use play-based activities to assess interaction
Follow-up session with each parent
Commit each parent short & long term goals
Offer resources: referrals, online help,
workbooks, divorced parent groups
• Weave your lessons into each session
• Teach the Importance of involving both parents
Taming the Dragons
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Communicating with PREs and CFIs
Collaborating with Parenting Coordinators
Holding back the urge to *^#!&~#% attorneys
Dealing with GALs
Above my Pay Grade
Peace Talks?
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Can you call a truce for the child’s sake?
Shuttle Diplomacy
Can you promote sustained attachment?
He may be a deadbeat dad but he’s my
deadbeat dad.
Play Therapy with Little Knights
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Preparing for the Diversity of Clinical Issues
Divorce cases needing an integrated approach
Before you Step on the Battlefield –
Are your boundaries in place?
Communication Rules ready?
Radar on?
Armor in good condition?
Allies and Support Troops
• Connecting with the Child’s Perception of each
Parent and their Divorce
• Honoring the Child’s
View from the Trenches
Assessing the Whole Child
• Life before the fighting started
• Developmental history
• Family history
• Attachment History
• Life since separation
adjustments: change of school, discipline, chores
• transitions: parenting time, moves, logistics
• Assessment activities: Build –A-House, Every Family
is a Kingdom, Lifelines, Floorplans,
Treatment Goals – For Child
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Clarify divorce-related misconceptions
Increase ability to communicate openly
Facilitate appropriate expression of feelings
Strengthen effective coping skills
Eliminate self-blame for the divorce
Resolve reunification fantasies
Enhance positive perceptions of self
Treatment Goals – Family
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Reduce stress of transitioning between homes
Increase appropriate, positive communication
Address loyalty conflicts
Reduce feelings of parental abandonment
Protect and remove child from parent conflict
Foster child’s healthy relationship with both
parents whenever possible
Battling Special Dragons
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Personality Disorders
Alcoholism
Child Abuse
Mental Illness
Felony convictions
Domestic violence
Joining the Battle with Little Knights
• Playroom Battles
• armies
• castles
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house divided
• Birthday Parties and
other ruined holidays
Battle Plans and Strategies
• Coping – adaptive coping techniques
– Luggage tags
– Special Safe Place
– Liana Lowenstein’s Feel Better Bag
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Help child develop coping abilities
– Feelings Hide-n-Seek
– Feelings Menu
– Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises
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Strengthen coping strategies;
problem-solving
– Feel Good Recipes
– Peaceful Pillow Talk
Surviving Life in Two Houses
• Safe Haven and Secure Base at both houses
Cotton Ball Hockey Game
Matching Game
Caught in the Middle; Scribble game
De-militarized Zone; setting limits role-play
• Foxholes; staying safe in hostile environments
Mapping activity for unsafe situations
Thrive with Resilience
• Protective Factors; Sources of Happiness
• School; get teacher and staff on the team,
maintain school as neutral zone
• Communication: from the other side
• Support; friends, extended family
• Family Building Activities
– The Birthday Party
– Creating a Better World Sandtray
Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships
• Re-building the bonds of attachment
– Simple games to engage child and parent
– Facilitating parents meeting child’s needs;
– bedtime routines, meals, parent-child dates
• Re-opening lines of communication
– Talk time
– Special handshakes and secret signals
– “A Better World” Family Sandtray
Encountering the child in No Man’s Land
• Helping the child find themselves
• Helping the Alienator let go
• Helping the Target Parent hang on
• Relationship repair
Romantic Futures
• College money
• Kids who have sustainable marriages
• Happy Marriage Activities
• Charting a new course for relationships
• My Future Me skit
For Battle Weary Therapists
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Process the Case
Seek consultation
Don’t touch that phone
Don’t take that referral
Live to fight another day
Jane L. Johnson, LCSW
Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor
Offering play therapy supervision
and consultation
Contact me:
[email protected]
970-266-2678
www.playtherapistsworkshop.com