Transcript How to Succesfully Consume a Malteaser

Kelty-Hayes Budget Pictures Presents To You:
A Kelty-Hayes Production
Complete with information on how to crunch
and suck Malteasers successfully.
For intelligent (do not mistake for incompetent, impetent, dumb or
just plain silly) people only.
7/16/2015
Introduction
I’m sure you have wondered many
many times how to successfully
consume Malteasers. Well now
you can to your full extent and
ability by either sucking or
crunching, your preference..
7/16/2015
1
History of Sucking Malteasers.

The art of Sucking Malteasers was first
recorded in 33 B.C. by the Philosopher
Suckerties at the time of the Roman Empire.
He set out the art in his doctrine “The Simple
pleasure of Sucking”. His rules for sucking
have not changed much in the last 2000
years. His name is in all Sucking Council
Halls and is revered by all of the sucking
community. In short, he is the greatest of
suckers.
2
The Art of Sucking I (Purchasing)

First go to your place of Goods
and camels and buy with your
local currency. After buying your
Malteaser product return to your
abode or place of residence.
3
The Art of Sucking II (Opening and Placing)

Now before you can successfully suck, it (do
not mistake this “it” for being anything else
but a Malteaser i.e. Not camel or small
salmon) must be on the obverse of the Box.
Then, with fine silver tweezers it must be
maneuvered to a silver platter or other
suitable platter like utensil. Once the
Malteaser has reached this state (i.e. Being
on the obverse) it is ready to be sucked.
4
The Art of Sucking III (Choices)

Now you are ready to finally suck the
Malteaser. Here you can take two paths.
Pick up the Malteaser with a tweezer or pick
it up with your dirty, revolting hands. The
choice is up to you but remember… If you
touch the Malteaser with your hands you
are no better than a Carob licking maniac
who will surely spend the rest of his/her life
in an impure sugar induced rage.
5
The Art of Sucking IV (Maneuvering)

Now that you have gone off to find your
sterile and clean tweezers (do not
mistake tweezers for a five year old
corpse, small fish, a blue whale, the
Prince of Wales or The Duchy of
Bohemia) follow these steps. Now
having got your tweezers, clamp them
softly but firmly around the Malteaser.
Then move it to the position (4cm from
roof of mouth and 4cm from left side of
mouth).
6
The Art of Sucking V (Sucking)

Now that the Malteaser is at the correct
position in front of your mouth, you will be
able to suck. As your mouth opens you want it
placed in your mouth as quickly as is possible
without hurting yourself too much. The next
step is to suck with all your sucking might to
rid it of all chocolate. Then, once only the
malt(do not mistake for pen, rock or imaginary
friend) is left, move it from side to side in your
mouth, sucking at 4 second intervals until
completely devoured.
7
Sucking Conclusion

Now that you have read this instruction of
delight, you can enjoy this procedure
whenever you desire. But you must remember
this, if you suck you must do it the right way.
This is the etiquette set out by the Guild of
Suckers. So remember, never never let
yourself drift into a state of using your hands
(a limb on the end of your arm not a
newspaper or the Hypotenuse Theorem).
8
History of Crunching

Crunching was first founded by Leonardo
De’Malteaseo, an exile from the Guild of Suckers
(do not confuse with Leonardo De’Drinky the
heavy drinker or a 40 ton Mack Truck). Now, to the
beginning, the reason Leon ( as he liked to be
called, not “L”, “Ard”, “Do” “De”, “Tease” or “O”)
was exiled was because he had too SouthEasterly (not right or left)wing views. These views
were that the very idea of crunching might be nice.
In explaining his views they exiled him
immediately.
9
History of Crunching Cont…...

After exilation in 1065 he journeyed to Britain
and established the First Council of Crunchers
in Dover. He easily brainwashed the Saxons
(who have very strong back teeth) with his motto
Veni, Vidi, Crunchi(I came, I saw, I
crunched[stolen by Caesar in 47 b.c., how is still
unknown]), this was later adopted by the
Council. In 1066 the Suckers waged war, first
was the Battle of Chocford Bridge then came the
Battle Malstings where the Crunchers won the
coin toss and repulsed the invaders.
10
The Art of Crunching Part I (Acquiring)

First go down to your local place
of goods and hold up owner with
sawn off shotgun to
commandeer a packet of
Malteasers. After completion
return to box or place of
residence.
11
The Art of Crunching Part II (Placement)

Find area not to dirty and place
Malteaser at that location.