Transcript COMMUNICATION
& Conflict
Youth Unlimited BLUE PRINT Aarold Bennett
Intro: Aarold J. Bennett
M.E. Conflict Campus Ambassador
Certified Business Coach
IBM Diversity Committee
Grassroots Golf Association
NBA Raptors
Communication
Assertiveness
Barriers to Communication
Sending clear messages
Body Language
Active Listening
How to Present
Communication: Assertiveness
Assertiveness skills are essential to create forward movement, sometimes under difficult or emotionally heightened situations. To be assertive means being aware of feelings, wants and opinions, then having the confidence and tools to appropriately and clearly express them.
Communication: Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a particular mode of communication.
a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view.
Communication: Assertiveness
a person cannot be both assertive and anxious at the same time, and thus being assertive would prevent anxiety.
Communication: Assertiveness
The goals of assertiveness training include:
increased awareness of personal rights differentiation between non assertiveness and assertiveness differentiation between passive– aggressiveness and aggressiveness learning both verbal and non-verbal assertiveness skills.
Communication: Assertive vs. Aggressive
ag·gres·sive
adjective1.characterized by or tending toward un provoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militantly forward or menacing: aggressive acts against a neighboring country.
making an all out effort to win or succeed; competitive: an aggressive basketball player.
vigorously energetic, especially in the use of initi ative and forcefulness: an aggressive salesperson.
boldly assertive and forward; pushy: an aggressiv e driver.
emphasizing maximum growth and capital gains over quality, security, and income: an aggressive mutual fund.
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).
Communication: Assertiveness vs. Passive-Aggressive
Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour
In being passive aggressive you are not giving yourself or others an opportunity to listen to what you think or feel When on the receiving end of passive aggression, you can feel confused, upset, offended, guilty and frustrated. You may think you’ve done something wrong, but have no clear idea what it was It avoids communication in a very negative way It creates insecurity in all parties It creates a bad atmosphere between people It is a form of conflict where either both or one party cannot engage sensibly in the issues It avoids the real issues It creates negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive way
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Some examples of passive aggression might be:
Non-Communication when there is clearly something problematic to discuss Avoiding/Ignoring when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly Evading problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand Procrastinating intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something Ambiguity Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations Sulking Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.
Chronic Lateness A way to put you in control over others and their expectations Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way Fear of Intimacy Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for not doing things Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one Self-Pity the poor me scenario Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.
Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves – deliberately doing a poor job of something for which they are often explicitly responsible
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Passive aggression might be seen as a defence mechanism that people use to protect themselves. It might be automatic and might stem from early experiences. What they are protecting themselves from will be unique and individual to each person; although might include underlying feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self esteem.
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Patterns of unassertive and passive behavior may have been learnt in childhood as a coping strategy possibly as a response to parents who may have been too controlling or not allowing their child to express their thoughts and feelings freely. To cope, a child might adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern.
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
For example if a child was ridiculed, put-down or punished for openly expressing their feelings or disagreeing with their parents the child would learn to substitute open expression for passive resistance - agreeing with what mum or dad said in order to be a “good child” or not speaking out honestly or at all. If there was a consistent pattern within the family of punishment or rejection for
asserting
themselves the child would learn to become highly skilled at passively rebelling. An example of a child rebelling might be around toilet training, withdrawing from family conversation, choosing subjects at school to please parents and then not working hard, around eating and mealtimes - all causing worry and upset to the parents who may have no idea their behaviour is a contributory cause to the problem.
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Passive Aggression in the Workplace
In the workplace a passive-aggressive employee or employer may use these techniques as a form of control and/or intimidation. The worker might sulk, make faces, scowl inwardly when given jobs to do or may agree politely and then take ages to do them. By doing so, he they are showing annoyance in the hope they will not be asked to do those tasks again. Employers can also use passive aggression when confronted with employee problems, turning a blind eye, not facing facts or dealing with genuine cases of bullying and intimidation. This avoidant behaviour can be very damaging to individuals and teams of individuals within organisations.
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Tips to help you overcome the effects of passive aggressive behaviour
Five tips for overcoming your own passive-aggressive behaviours: Become aware of the underlying feelings causing your behaviour Become aware of the impacts of your behaviour and how your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them creates yet further uncomfortable feelings for yourself Take responsibility for your actions and reactions Try to not feel attacked when faced with a problem but instead take an overall objective view of the situation Learn to be
assertive
in expressing yourself. You have a right to your thoughts and feelings so communicate them with honesty and truth and strengthen your relationships
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Tips to help you overcome the effects of passive aggressive behaviour (continued...)
Learn to be assertive in expressing yourself. You have a right to your thoughts and feelings so communicate them with honesty and truth and strengthen your relationships Five tips for coping with the passive-aggressive behaviour of others: Become aware of how passive aggression operates and try to be understanding towards your partner Explain to your partner how their behaviour towards you is affecting you. Communicate calmly without blaming – i.e. talk about how you feel and what you think without using language that will enflame the situation more. For example you might say “I feel upset by your behaviour” rather than “you’ve done this or that”.
Be aware of your responses to others and yourself– do not blame yourself for the behaviour and reaction of others Be honest about your part in the situation If the aggressive behaviour of others continues to affect you in a negative way, set clear boundaries around yourself – rules for what you will and won’t accept. Stay strong and focused and get on with your life in a positive way.
Communication: Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Communication: Assertiveness Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing
(Proverbs 12:18).
Communication: Barriers and Strategies
While there are many subtleties to communication between people, some basic skills can help you to be a more effective communicator. This section will explore: Barriers to Listening, and Strategies for Effective Listening; Barriers to Accurate Perception, and Strategies for Accurate Perception; Barriers to Effective Verbal Communication, and Strategies for Effective Verbal Communication.
Communication: Barriers to Listening
Focusing on a personal agenda. When we spend our listening time formulating our next response, we cannot be fully attentive to what the speaker is saying.
Experiencing information overload. Too much stimulation or information can make it very difficult to listen with full attention. Try to focus on the relevant information, and the central points that are being conveyed.
Criticizing the speaker. Do not be distracted by critical evaluations of the speaker. Focus on what they are saying - the message - rather than the messenger.
Communication: Barriers to Listening
Getting distracted by emotional noise. We react emotionally to certain words, concepts and ideas, and to a myriad of other cues from speakers (appearance, non-verbal cues). Make a conscious effort to quiet your own emotional reactions so that you can listen properly.
Getting distracted by external “noise”. Audible noise may be extremely distracting. Some things can be minimized – e.g., turn down the ringer on your phone, and the email beep on the computer while meeting with someone. Other noises may be unavoidable – e.g., construction, other people. Also, there may be figurative “noise” from the external environment, such as distracting or inappropriate decor in a room, or environmental conditions such as the room being too hot or cold.
Experiencing physical difficulty. Feeling physically unwell, or experiencing pain can make it very difficult to listen effectively. You may wish to communicate that this is not a good time, and reschedule the discussion. Otherwise, you may just need to concentrate even more on the task of listening.
Communication: Strategies for Effective Listening
Stop. Focus on the other person, their thoughts and feelings. Consciously focus on quieting your own internal commentary, and step away from your own concerns to think about those of the speaker. Give your full attention to the speaker.
Look. Pay attention to non-verbal messages, without letting yourself be distracted. Notice body language and non-verbal cues to allow for a richer understanding of the speaker’s point. However, avoid getting distracted from the verbal message.
Listen. Listen for the essence of the speaker’s thoughts: details, major ideas and their meanings. Seek an overall understanding of what the speaker is trying to communicate, rather than reacting to the individual words or terms that they use to express themselves.
Be empathetic. Imagine how you would feel in their circumstances. Be empathetic to the feelings of the speaker, while maintaining a calm centre within yourself. You need not be drawn into all of their problems or issues, as long as you acknowledge what they are experiencing.
Ask questions. Use questions to clarify your understanding, as well as to demonstrate interest in what is being said.
Communication:
Barriers to Accurate Perception
Stereotyping and generalizing. Be careful not to hold on to preconceptions about people or things. We often have a tendency to see what we want to see, forming an impression from a small amount of information or one experience, and assuming that to be highly representative of the whole person or situation.
Not investing time. Making assumptions and ignoring details or circumstances can lead to misconceptions. When we fail to look in-depth for causes or circumstances, we miss important details, and do not allow for the complexity of the situation.
Having a distorted focus. Focusing on the negative aspects of a conversation or a situation is a habit common to many people. Even though we may recognize the positive things, we often give more weight to the negative, allowing one negative comment to overshadow numerous positive ones.
Assuming similar interpretations. Not everyone will draw the same conclusions from a given situation or set of information. Everybody interprets things differently. Make sure to check for other people’s interpretations, and be explicit about your own.
Experiencing incongruent cues. As speakers, and as listeners, we are constantly and simultaneously sending cues and receiving them from other people. Try to be consistent with your verbal cues and your body language. Do not say one thing and express something else through your body language. Be aware of how your non-verbal communication relates to your spoken words. If someone else seems to be sending a double message -- by saying one thing and expressing something else in their body language -- ask for clarification.
Communication:
Strategies for Accurate Perception
Analyze your own perceptions. Question your perceptions, and think about how they are formed. Check in with others around you regularly, and be aware of assumptions that you are making. Seek additional information and observations. You may just need to ask people if your perceptions are accurate.
Work on improving your perception. Increase your awareness of barriers to perception, and which ones you tend towards. Check in with yourself regularly. Seek honest, constructive feedback from others regarding their perceptions of you as a means of increasing your selfawareness.
Focus on others. Develop your ability to focus on other people, and understand them better by trying to gather knowledge about them, listening to them actively, and imagining how you would feel in their situation.
Communication: Barriers to Effective Verbal Communication
Lacking clarity. Avoid abstract, overly-formal language, colloquialisms, and jargon, which obscure your message more than they serve to impress people.
Using stereotypes and generalizations. Speakers who make unqualified generalizations undermine their own clarity and credibility. Be careful not to get stuck in the habit of using stereotypes, or making generalizations about complex systems or situations. Another form of generalization is “polarization” or creating extremes. Try to be sensitive to the complexities of situations, rather than viewing the world in black and white.
Jumping to conclusions. Confusing facts with inferences is a common tendency. Do not assume you know the reasons behind events, or that certain facts necessarily have certain implications. Make sure you have all the information you can get, and then speak clearly about the facts versus the meanings or interpretations you attach to those.
Dysfunctional responses. Ignoring or not responding to a comment or question quickly undermines effective communication. Likewise, responding with an irrelevant comment -- one that isn't connected to the topic at hand - will quash genuine communication. Interrupting others while they are speaking also creates a poor environment for communication.
Lacking Confidence. Lacking confidence can be a major barrier to effective communication. Shyness, difficulty being assertive, or lack of self-worth can hinder your ability to make your needs and opinions known. Also, a lack of awareness of your own rights and opportunities in a given situation can prevent you from expressing your needs openly.
Strategies for Effective Verbal Communication
Focus on the issue, not the person. Try not to take everything personally, and similarly, express your own needs and opinions in terms of the job at hand. Solve problems rather than attempt to control others. For example, rather than criticizing a co-worker’s personality, express your concerns in terms of how to get the job done more smoothly in the future.
Be genuine rather than manipulative. Be yourself, honestly and openly. Be honest with yourself, and focus on working well with the people around you, and acting with integrity.
Empathize rather than remain detached. Although professional relationships entail some boundaries when it comes to interaction with colleagues, it is important to demonstrate sensitivity, and to really care about the people you work with. If you don’t care about them, it will be difficult for them to care about you when it comes to working together.
Be flexible towards others. Allow for other points of view, and be open to other ways of doing things. Diversity brings creativity and innovation.
Value yourself and your own experiences. Be firm about your own rights and needs. Undervaluing yourself encourages others to undervalue you, too. Offer your ideas and expect to be treated well.
Present yourself as an equal rather than a superior. Even when you are in a position of authority, focus on what you and the other person each have to offer and contribute to the job or issue.
Use affirming responses. Respond to other in ways that acknowledge their experiences. Thank them for their input. Affirm their right to their feelings, even if you disagree. Ask questions, express positive feeling; and provide positive feedback when you can.
Sending Clear Messages
The basic communication process includes the key elements of someone sending a message, one or more people receiving the message, and then giving feedback that reflects their understanding of what was said. The clarity and appropriateness of that initial message determines the success or failure of the communication.
Effective communication is as important in the workplace as it is in more intimate relationships. It is a skill that can be learned and continually improved by managers and employee at all levels of the organization.
There are three factors for the person sending the message to consider. Although this appears to complicate a simple, perhaps informal, interaction, the results are worth the time spent thinking about what is being said before any words are actually spoken.
Sending Clear Messages
Deciding How to Say the Message
This sounds simple but is not always. It might be useful to consider the following points in order to send an oral message effectively.
Tone of voice being used. Some people have naturally gruff voices that turn everything they say into an attack. Other people’s light voices make it difficult to take them seriously. People with shrill voices sound nervous and excitable. Although it is not easy to change a tone of voice without sounding phony, the person sending the message should be aware of the impact of his tone of voice and, perhaps, compensate with the words used and/or body language.
Expressing emotions. There are appropriate emotions to show in the workplace but there is also a line that can be crossed easily when enjoyment becomes hurtful sarcasm, pleasure takes on too personal a tone, and sadness slides into depression. Sometimes, too, the manager or a co-worker is so upset about someone’s work that the emotion in his voice is overpowering the pertinent message. Everyone should understand the impact of any emotional overlay to his message and, perhaps, tone it down.
Sending Clear Messages
Deciding What to Say
For a message to be effective, the speaker must have a clear understanding of what she wants to say and why she wants to say it.
Deciding what to say depends on: The purpose of the message. What is the intended outcome of the communication? Is it to share important information that staff need to do their work? Is it just to open up an informal, friendly chat? Is the message really a question to gather information? The answers to these questions determine the scope, formality, and expectation of what is being said.
Who is receiving the message? If this is a communication between two co-workers, there might be more informal content, based on opinions and untried ideas. An employee reporting to his boss on the outcome of a project will probably be more formal, focused, and organized in what he says.
Any barriers like language problems, or cultural differences. For example, it is always best not to use offensive or complicated language. A software specialist who is explaining a new program to the office staff wants to make sure that what he is saying is simple, to the point, and useful. There are situations in which the speaker wants to remember that staff from some cultures might be very uncomfortable with certain language or messages.
Sending Clear Messages
Using Appropriate Body Language
It is important that the body language is sending the same message as any words that are spoken. We don’t even have to say a word in order to send a message. We communicate non-verbally with the way we use our bodies.
These messages are seen in facial expressions, eye contact, body posture, hand gestures and even how and where a person stands or sits. There are many web sites with articles and academic papers that explain in great detail how body language enhances or distorts the message being sent.
Because body language is not codified the same way as words, it is often open to misinterpretation. For example, a large, male manager standing behind a woman at her computer to explain something on the screen might think he is being helpful and businesslike. She might see that looming body language as intimidation, no matter what words come out of the manager’s mouth. Or, the words might sound like a reprimand, but the body language says relaxed and friendly, sending the message that ‘what happened was really okay but, as your manager, I have to tell you not to do that again’.
This kind of mixed message is the reason that communication workshops usually have videotaped practice sessions so people can see themselves as other see them.
Communication: Body Language