Transcript Responses to loss - Care for the Family

Welcome and housekeeping
Health and safety
No smoking
Toilets
Mobile phones
Breaks/refreshments
Programme
Informal and interactive
Individual/pairs/small group/
large group work
Fast-paced – look back at your leisure
Evaluation
Ground rules
Respect each other’s opinions
Confidentiality
Listening
Timekeeping
Looking after yourself
Have fun!
Learning outcomes
On completion of this training you will:
Gain basic information of the impact bereavement has in
people’s lives and the different ways in which individuals
commonly respond.
Have had the opportunity to reflect on your own experience
of bereavement.
Be able to identify the basic needs of bereaved people.
Be able to identify key factors in providing effective support.
Learning outcomes
Be able to identify the skills, structure and safeguards needed to
provide appropriate levels of support to bereaved people within
the context and boundaries of your church.
Know the key questions to be addressed in considering whether
it is appropriate for you/your church to support bereaved people.
Gain information on models of bereavement support that
churches can provide.
Gain information for the range and types of bereavement
support services available locally and nationally to
be able to signpost bereaved people to them.
Key facts and figures
Over half a million people die in England each year,
most of whom are over the age of 75.
It is estimated that for each death some 2-8 people will be
significantly affected by it.
88% of funerals have some ‘religious’ content – although the
number of secular funerals is increasing rapidly.
The Church of England alone conducts funerals for over a third
of those who die in England.
It is likely that each year well over a million people who are
significantly affected by bereavement are in contact
with a church/Christian minister soon after their loss.
Key facts and figures
As long as there is adequate support and information, most
people (80-90%) cope well following the death of someone
significant in their life.
Bereaved people greatly benefit from the support and
information that can be identified and provided by agencies
involved at the time of bereavement.
Information on the availability of bereavement support is not
routinely given by funeral directors, registrars and NHS
professionals – or churches.
Death and society
What changes do you think there have been in the way
society deals with death, dying and bereavement over
the last 100 years?
Why do you think these changes have happened?
How do you think these changes may have impacted
the way the church deals with death, dying and
bereaved people?
What impact do you think these changes may have on
bereaved people today?
Death and the Church
Some churches can often just see their role as liaising with
the family at the time of a bereavement and organising a
funeral (together with the funeral director).
Why should the church be offering more than this?
How well equipped do you think the church in general
is to go beyond a funeral and provide longer-term
support?
Death and the church
Surveys of bereaved people and church leaders.
Responses from over 1000 church leaders.
Many gave limited support around the time of the funeral or with an
annual memorial service.
Few did anything beyond this.
Most wanted to do more but were limited because of lack of
resources.
Few knew much about the availability of bereavement support
organisations or other resources.
The most pressing needs were for information, resources
and training.
Death and the Church
Bear in mind that:
Jesus wept with Lazarus’s family at his death (John 11) and was
‘filled with compassion’ at the grief of the Widow of Nain (Luke 7).
The early church was greatly exercised to give support to widows
and orphans (James 1).
Throughout the Bible we hear that God’s heart goes out to those
who are suffering, and seeks to bring comfort and restoration.
Despite increasing secularisation, bereaved people seek out the
church, even if they’ve had little contact previously.
This gives the church an opportunity to demonstrate God’s care
and compassion to the whole community.
Death and the Church
A Biblical support model:
“He who goes out, weeping, carrying seeds
to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying
sheaves with him.”
Psalm 126 v6
Personal experiences and
reactions to death
Take some time to consider some of your own
personal experiences and attitude to death.
Then consider your personal reactions to loss.
The way people grieve
Influencing factors:
Quality and type of relationship with the person who has died.
How, when and where the person died (e.g. sudden or
expected, violent or peaceful).
Age, gender, personality and level of understanding of the
grieving person.
Previous experience of significant loss.
Cultural and religious beliefs and influences.
Involvement in mourning rituals (e.g. viewing the
body after death, attending the funeral).
The way people grieve
Influencing factors:
Family and social support network.
Other concurrent stressors (e.g. responsibilities,
relationships, financial).
Upbringing (learnt behaviour).
Level of support in previous losses.
Expressions of grief
Emotional. Feelings such as shock, sadness, relief, guilt
and anxiety.
Physical. Reactions such as loss of appetite or comfort eating,
tiredness, headaches, other aches and pains.
Psychological. Including poor concentration, overwhelming
thoughts and pre-occupation or avoidance of thinking about what
has happened.
Behavioural. Including crying, irritability, increase in risky
behaviours such as driving fast or drinking heavily, withdrawal from
friends and family.
Spiritual. Such as questioning the meaning of life or
finding comfort in their faith/losing faith.
Case studies
Consider the following case studies:
1) Tom and Kate
2) Ted and Anne
Support models
A basic knowledge of support models is essential to
support bereaved people on a more than
friendship/social level.
There is much research and many models – they do not
predict what will happen and are just tools to help you
understand what might be happening for a bereaved
person and to give pointers for possible ways forward.
Different models are likely to be more/less useful for
different people and different situations.
The needs of bereaved people
For their grief to be ‘normalised’.
To understand a little more about the journey they are on and to be given
strategies to help them while they are on it.
To understand that their journey is unique to them, that they will get
through (not over!) it and that there is no time limit
To feel understood, listened to and supported.
To have the opportunity to explore spiritual issues.
To know that there is hope for the future and that that there can be a new
‘normal’ life that is not the same as before, yet can still be good.
To be given information on the availability of, and how to access,
support services.
Practical support – particularly in the days and weeks after
the death.
What could churches do?
Demonstrate they care.
Help them to understand the bereavement journey.
Let them know where they can get further support.
Be there for them.
Provide emotional support where appropriate.
Provide appropriate spiritual support.
Consider a range of other ways of giving support.
General principles of
bereavement support
Respect for the individual.
Confidentiality (except where there is concern for safety
of self and others).
Recognising and acknowledging the loss.
Providing timely information and appropriate support.
Conducting conversations and meetings in an
appropriate environment.
Knowing where and when to signpost or refer on to
another service.
General principles of
bereavement support
Working within the structure and limits set by your church.
The ability to empathise. Empathy is the capacity to
recognise or understand another's state of mind or
emotion. It is often characterised as the ability to ‘put
oneself into another's shoes’ and walk with them.
The ability to communicate well, particularly in listening.
The ability to not be affected personally (it is advisable
to not be involved in actively supporting bereaved
people if you’ve suffered a recent close
bereavement yourself).
Effective communication
Communication can be through what we say, how we say it
and through other factors.
What types of non-verbal communication might
demonstrate that we care, that we understand and that
we want to help?
What sort of words might demonstrate that we care and
could encourage the bereaved person to share openly?
What sort of environment might help effective
communication?
Responses to loss
How did people respond to a loss you have suffered? What
people say and do can be comforting – but unfortunately may be
hurtful and ill-considered as well.
Unhelpful things that people can say:
“I know exactly how you’re feeling.”
“Time is a great healer.”
“It’s a blessing in disguise.”
“At least he/she got to live to be that age.”
“Oh well, you’re young enough to have another child.”
Responses to loss
Responses that are unhelpful for bereaved people:
People not mentioning what has happened.
People crossing the road to avoid speaking to you.
People overwhelming you with their experiences of loss.
Being told not to cry.
Being told to get on with life.
Being told to cheer up.
Being expected to be back to normal after a couple of months.
Quoting scripture out of context and in an insensitive
way (e.g. Romans 8 v28).
Responses to loss
More helpful comments and responses:
“I’m sorry to hear about the death of your mother”.
“I can’t imagine how you are feeling”.
Allowing someone the space and time to be listened to.
Remember: Saying something is nearly always better than
saying nothing at all.
Dealing with strong emotions
Case Study: Beth and Margaret
How would you cope with her expressions of emotion? What
would you say? What would you do?
Why do you think Beth may have these strong emotions?
Why do you think she has expressed them?
Why might bereaved people be angry – and who at?
Why might bereaved people feel guilty?
Complex and
complicated grief
Complex and complicated grief features:
Prolonged and intense yearning and longing for the
person who has died.
Recurrent intrusive and distressing thoughts.
Difficulty concentrating and accepting what has happened.
Difficulty moving beyond acute state of mourning.
Feeling that life is now meaningless and holds no
future happiness or satisfaction.
Complex and
complicated grief
Complex grief is more likely in these situations:
The death of a child.
Suicide.
‘Lifestyle’ deaths – e.g. drugs.
Sudden, traumatic death.
Death of a relatively young person.
Death where there is no body.
Murder or manslaughter.
Multiple bereavements.
Dependency
There are some circumstances and situations
that may cause the bereaved person to become
dependent on the supporter:
Loneliness.
Having ‘no-one else who understands’.
Inability (or unwillingness) to cope with practical
necessities.
Emotional attachment.
Self-care
Circumstances in which it would be advisable to take a
break from bereavement support could include:
Suffering a recent close bereavement (we may still be
grieving ourselves and may not be in the best place to help.)
Finding it increasingly difficult to ‘switch off’ after
each session.
Thinking that hearing the story again would be just
too painful.
Becoming more irritable with family and friends.
Not sleeping well.
Structure and standards
Churches providing bereavement support should:
Be satisfied that the supporter has an appropriate level
of personal skills.
Be satisfied that the supporter has an appropriate level
of knowledge.
Be satisfied that the supporter has had
appropriate training.
Structure and standards
Churches providing bereavement support should:
Put in place a supervisory structure to ensure both
accountability and safety for the supporter and
those supported.
Be satisfied that their insurance covers them for the
level of support required.
Seek to comply with the UK Standards for
Bereavement Care.
Bereavement and
Care for the Family
Comprehensive information about bereavement
support services.
Support for bereaved parents or those widowed young.
Support for all areas of family life, including marriage
and parenting.
For more information visit
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/bereavement
Further details of resources mentioned in this
training are in the workbook.