Ten Weeks to Self Esteem

Presented by the Lawyers Assistance Program Facilitated by Robert Bircher 1

Psycho-educational Groups

• This series of classes is in the format of a psycho-educational group-this is different than a process group or university class-for some of you this may be your first class of this type!!

• The focus is on gaining psychological insights into your own behavior and changing your behavior-which includes changing your thinking and what you do in the world • This process includes doing the assignments in the book, listening in class, participating fully in the group exercises and making appropriate changes in your life-the payoff is better self esteem 2

Boundaries

• In the group you will be asked to talk about various aspects of yourself relating to the exercises-you set your own boundaries-no one will ever push you to reveal anything • The experience of most people is that they open up more as they feel safer and get to know other people in the group-by the end many friendships are often made!

• The group requires an undertaking of confidentiality which includes mentioning that a person is in the group or talking in a way where a person could be identified (a bald guy who works at the LAP) 3

What is Self Esteem?

• One definition is

the internal experience of one’s own preciousness and value as a person

• Another is

the story you tell yourself about you

• People with good self esteem respect and love themselves whether they win or lose or whether they are loved or respected • Good self esteem is not impacted by outside events, like making mistakes, being rejected, insulted or gossiped about etc.

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Self Confidence- Self Esteem

• Self esteem is not the same as self confidence (which comes from people’s belief that they will probably succeed at a task) • Accordingly, if you play tennis with the world champion you will not likely have much self confidence but you can still have self esteem-refusing to base your self esteem on your performance and feeling worthwhile and lovable and laughing as you lost!!

• It is possible to have excessive self esteem based on an unrealistic self assessment arrogance or narcissism –paradoxically this is usually to cover up a sense of worthlessness or inferiority inside • What is your own definition?

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Self Esteem

• Some people experience whipsawing at the extremes-you think you are worthless and not as good as others or you are arrogant or think you are superior to others • Self esteem is usually created in childhood and represents how you were treated in your family-some families have accurate mirroring some do not-some families had concave mirroring -you’re not good enough, others convex- you’re better than everybody else • I recently saw an interview with Cameron Diaz-the famous actress and she attributed most of her success to her parents focus on fostering her self esteem, thus avoiding arrogance in spite of her fame 6

Other Esteem

• Some people mix up self esteem with

other esteem-what they believe others think of them-and live their life trying to improve their “other esteem”

• Other esteem is usually based on external things-how they look, how much money they have, who they know, what car/house they have, degrees earned, how their children perform etc.

• Other esteem can also be based on performance and is part of many families “you are a good girl you got an A average, we love you” 7

Self Esteem

• Some people have poor self esteem and high

other esteem

which works as long as the external world goes your way.

• Internal self esteem is not dependant on external factors-this does not mean you won’t react to the world you just won’t let it impact your own sense of value • What is your own level of self/other esteem?

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Low Self Esteem

• Some symptoms of low self esteem are-difficulty making decisions, judging yourself harshly, feeling not good enough, embarrassed to receive recognition or praise, inability to ask others to meet your needs, valuing other peoples approval • Self esteem is on a continuum, nobody has perfect self esteem or no esteem • Perfectionism is a common symptom in lawyers as are unrealistically high standards 9

High Self Esteem

• If you had excellent parenting you probably were lucky and have good core self esteem, less than perfect parenting is the norm • Self esteem can be improved, unlike IQ which is largely unchangeable • Family patterns are like ruts in a road and are hard to get out of-they tend to be your default position • Changing the patterns requires doing things differently and group support is especially helpful-you get multiple adult mirroring which is usually more accurate than your old story 10

Creating Good Self Esteem

•

You need to tell yourself a new, more accurate story about you

• As those who are familiar with CBT know- many of your opinions and judgments about yourself are highly inaccurate-this results in bad choices • What helps in changing your thinking is changing your behavior-”it is easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of acting” 11

Creating Good Self Esteem

• The biggest mistake most lawyers make is the belief they can think their way out of problems or beliefs-what works is changing actions • In this course changing actions means doing the workbook exercises, coming to class, walking the walk • Research shows doing this will improve your self esteem and reduce depression at least as much as any antidepressant drugs, this course is free and you get to meet cool people-a no lose proposition!!

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Mood Measurement

• Each week we will do the Burns depression inventory, anxiety inventory and relationship satisfaction scale in our workbook-you will not be asked to discuss your actual scores although you may be asked to talk about the story you tell yourself about the scores-a very different thing!

• The scoring is in the material and is self explanatory-the difference in anxiety and depression is that anxiety is a bodily reaction to your minds depressing thoughts (called somatization) • Some people get more anxious than depressed or vice versa-some do both • Scores over 30 indicate a situation that definitely requires attention-scores under 5 indicate an absence of anxiety or depression 13

Mood Measurement

• Everyone has some background anxiety and depression which has nothing to do with practicing law-it would exist if you were a parking lot attendant-it is always valuable to know which is which • Law, by its nature, can definitely trigger both anxiety and depression and people very prone to this may need to be very careful about the area of law and legal culture they work in-in some cases they may need to work in quasi legal areas or in some cases leave law altogether 14

Goals for this Class

• • • On page 28 of the materials is a space to write down your goals put down at least 3 • You will be asked to do the exercises and the first chapter deals with reasons (great stories you tell yourself) not to do the exercises

The value you create for yourself depends on whether you do the assignments!!

You can’t think your way out of depression-you must change

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Helping in Group Process

• One of the great values of being in a group is the experience of others and their experience of you • You get to be real about your life with another person-it is very different than being in a CLE class and a very different way of interacting with other lawyers-trust me you will love it!!

• In groups listening in a non judgmental way important and advice giving is not-the opposite of law practice-this new way of communicating will be new to many of you 16

Helping by Listening

• The best way to help others and yourself is

learning to be present with another person

• This means being absolutely focused on what

they

are saying-

are going to say not thinking of your reaction or what thing you

• We use 3 models of listening; • Haven communication model • Burns communication model(effective listening) • Reflective listening • All are easy to understand but very difficult to practice 17

Helping by Listening

• Sometimes no model at all is required just being absolutely, totally present with another and saying nothing works well. This works if you can be present without reacting or thinking about something else while you are listening something few people can do without training • Reflective Listening or Mirroring-this requires being present and repeating back what the person says and feels, also occasionally asking questions about what is going on for the person 18

Helping by Listening

• When they teach reflective listening one method is to engage with another person for about an hour without asking any questions-most lawyers can last about 2 minutes!!

• Reflective listening is required to use the other two methods-especially for thought and feeling empathy • The Haven method is especially good for enhancing intimacy and is the basic method used at the LAP • The Burns method is good for effective conflict resolution 19