Transcript BUILDING SELF

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Welcome to
Parent Café
MORNING EDITION
NOVEMBER 15, 2013
BUILDING
SELF-ESTEEM
11/15/2013
Stephanie Nocon, Adjustment Counselor
Amanda McMorrow, Adjustment
Counselor
Melissa Costa, FRCS Teacher /Counseling
Intern
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OVERVIEW
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WHY SELF-ESTEEM IS IMPORTANT
HOW SELF-ESTEEM IS DEVELOPED
HEALTHY VERSUS UNHEALTHY SELFESTEEM
TIPS FOR PARENTS
TABLE TALK ACTIVITY
RESOURCES
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Why is self-esteem important?
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Self-esteem is important for healthy
development, independence, resilience,
overcoming setbacks, creativity,
confidence to try new things and school
success
Affects all relationships that we have and
all that we do
A basic level of self-esteem is needed in
every culture
Helps children to feel like they can develop
their own skills and contribute to the larger
community
Why is self-esteem important
(cont)
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Negative self-esteem can lead to:
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Lack of confidence, less likely to try new things,
may not take advantage of talents and abilities
the best way they can
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May also be linked to health outcomes such as
stress, heart disease, and anti-social behaviors
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Distorted view of themselves
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Lack of confidence in doing things independently,
they can become over-reliant on authority figures
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Less friendships
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Development of Self-Esteem
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Children are not born with self-esteem, it is
learned through how parents and others
feel about them and treat them starting
from infancy
Made up of all the experiences and
interpersonal relationships they have
throughout life
Self-esteem fluctuates as kids grow and is
affected by experiences, relationships, and
new perceptions
Development of Self-Esteem
(cont)
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Preschoolers: Learn that their minds and bodies are
their own. Self-esteem develops in physical ways,
such as who is the tallest, fastest, ect..
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School-age: Learn how to manage the tasks of
school, sports, and activities, and how well they
make friends. School, home, or social stressors can
negatively impact self-esteem.
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Adolescence: Affected by physical and hormonal
changes and by how they look and THINK they look.
Friendships are very important because it gives
them a sense of belonging.
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What Influences Self-Esteem?
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Relationships and interactions with others
Perception of how others see them
Experiences with success and failure
Environments (school, home, church,
sports, extracurricular activities,
neighborhood)
Media (unrealistic and unattainable
images)
Healthy vs. Unhealthy SelfEsteem
Healthy
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Positive Statements about themselves and others
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Accept Compliments
Look People in the eye
Willing to take chances
Enjoy the success of others
Don’t worry about how others will judge them
Has an “I think I can” attitude
Confidence
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Healthy vs. Unhealthy Self-Esteem
(cont)
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Unhealthy
Put down self & others
 Reject Compliments
 See themselves failing before they begin and are
often afraid to show creativity for fear of being
ridiculed
 Wish they were someone else
 Hard time forgiving themselves for mistakes
 They believe they can never be as good as they
should be or as good as others
 Rarely volunteer, panic when faced with new tasks
 Has an “I can’t do it “ attitude
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Tips for Parents
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Praise them, be specific and sincere and focus on the positive
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Show them lots of love and affection with words and physical
actions
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Treat them with respect, give them the same amount of
respect you would give a friend. Watch what you say and
how you say it.
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Be consistent and predictable, children need to know what to
expect from their parents and what is expected from them
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Don’t demand perfection, accept them for who they are,
flaws and all.
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Keep your promises
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Tips for Parents (cont)
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Listen and respond to your children with complete
attention
Don’t allow them to criticize themselves, don’t
ignore it because could validate their negative
feelings. Identify and redirect inaccurate beliefs
Teach them to use positive self-talk
Encourage decision making, giving them
responsibilities helps them to feel competent and
trusted
Give them the freedom to take risks and try new
things
Encourage friendships and welcome their friends
Encourage interests and abilities
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Tips for parents (cont)
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Display their work
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Encourage additional sources of support (teachers,
coaches)
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Show appreciation for contributions at home
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Ask teens for their opinions or suggestions and encourage
participation in decision making
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Discipline properly
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Emphasize effort shown vs. the outcome
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Show confidence in their judgment
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Have positive and realistic expectations
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Give opportunities for them to win and lose
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Tips for Parents (cont)
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Keep mementos of milestones and special successes
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Display and keep photos, this gives them a sense of being
loved
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Help them learn problem solving skills, don’t solve all their
problems
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Teach personal safety, they need to learn how to say no to
protect themselves
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Teach them to trust their feelings and let them know they
don’t need to keep secrets
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Take care of yourself, let them see that you feel good about
yourself
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Messages That Hurt Self-Esteem
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Ignoring and not taking an interest in them
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Constantly nagging
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Messages that say “you don’t like them” ( I love you but I
don’t like you) you are lazy, ect makes them feel as though
you are saying something bad about them and not their
actions
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Comparing them with others
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Messages that life would be better or easier without them
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Threatening to leave or give them away if they don’t do as
you wish
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Frowning or sighing when they want to talk or ask you for
something, this suggests that it is too much effort to give them
your time
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Building Confidence in Boys
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Be specific with your compliments,
say more than “you’re great”.
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Doing trumps telling – lead by
example
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Allow them to take risks
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Try not to over-protect, failure is a
very important part of learning
Building Confidence in Boys
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Reward Effort vs. Achievement
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Trust them
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Model your own confidence
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Share stories of your own failures
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Typical Challenges that can
impact self-esteem
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Losing
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Disappointing grades
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Peer conflicts/teasing
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Not making a sports team
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Body image (weight gain, acne, style,
comparing self to others)
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Socioeconomic status
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Cultural differences
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What To Do If You
Are Concerned About Your Child
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At one time or another, kids may show
symptoms of low self-esteem. Watch for
patterns that don’t disappear. If efforts to
increase self-esteem don’t have an impact
consult your pediatrician or counselor.
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If you suspect low self-esteem a professional
can help to uncover underlying issues that
prevent a child from feeling good about
themselves. Therapy can help them learn to
view themselves and the world positively.
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Reminders
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Self-esteem is very important for everyone
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Children are not born with self-esteem
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Young children learn self-esteem through what they can
do and what their parents think of them
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“Put down” messages really damage self-esteem
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“Doing” messages (hugs, smiles) are very important
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Laugh with your children, not at them
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Keep your compliments and messages sincere and
detailed
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Self-esteem is learned and it can be changed
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Take care of yourself and your own self-esteem
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Table Talk Activity
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Scenario 1:
Bobby is an 8th grade student who loves
Basketball and was eager to try out for the
team. Despite his hard effort, Bobby did not
make the team.
Questions:
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What are some reactions that you can
expect to see in Bobby after he finds out?
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What are some warning signs that he is not
recovering from this disappointment in a
healthy way?
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Table Talk Activity
Scenario 2:
Sally is a 9th grade new student who wants to sit with a
particular peer group at lunch, however there are no
“open spots” at the table.
Questions:
1. What are some reactions that you can expect to
see in Sally?
2. What can you do to help foster her self-esteem
through this difficult time?
3. What are some tips you can give Sally?
4. What are some warning signs to watch out for?
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Resources
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The Minds Of Boys: Saving Our Sons From
Falling Behind in School and Life, by
Michael Gurian and Kathy Stevens
The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a
Challenging and Complex World, by
Anthony Rao
Odd Girl Out, by Rachel Simmons
Real Girl, Real World: A Guide to Finding
Your True Self, by Heather M. Gray and
Samantha Phillips
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Resources (cont)
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Bodypride: An Action Plan for Teens
Seeking Self-Esteem and Building Better
Bodies, by Cynthia Stamper Graff, Janet
Eastman, and Mark C. Smith
Stick Up for Yourself: Every Kid’s Guide to
Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem, by
Gershen Kaufman, Lev Raphael, and
Pamela Espeland
Be True To Yourself: A Daily Guide for
Teenage Girls, by Amanda Ford
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References
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The Way of Boys, Anthony Rao, Ph.D
Women’s and Children’s Health Network,
http://www.cyh.com/Default.aspx?p=1
Center for Effective Parenting
www.parenting-ed.org/
About.com Tweens www.about.com
KidsHealth, www.kidshealth.org
TeensHealth, www.teenshealth.org
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Questions & Answers
Thank you for attending the
Parent Café today. If you have
any questions or would like to
speak with us privately you can
contact us at:
 [email protected] x 242
 [email protected]
x 241
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