Transcript File
Effective Writing Practices
Practical skills to own, whenever you write.
Kevin Raczynski [email protected]
Session Objectives 1) Explore what is meant by “Going GREEN ” 2) Explore how Going GREEN aspects of writing impacts other
Weighting of Domain Scores
Weighting means that the scores in some writing domains will be given more weight than others in determining the total score that a student receives.
Domain Weight % of total score Scoring Domain Ideas Organization Style Conventions 2 x raters’ scores 1 x raters’ scores 1 x raters’ scores 1 x raters’ scores 40% 20% 20% 20%
Zeroing in: IDEAS
•
The Key Elements of the IDEAS domain
Controlling Idea (Focus)
Relevant Supporting Ideas General Details Specific Details And Elaboration
Grade 3
General Topic Context for the Topic
Writing Situation
This unit, we have been studying rocks and minerals native to Georgia . Examples include Quartz and Kaolin.
Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Pick one rock or mineral we have been studying. In one paragraph, describe its physical characteristics.
Quartz
Physical characteristics : 1) Color 2) Hardness
Ideas: Emerging
• Hi my name is JR. I will like to tell you about quartz. They look they feel soft and some are kind of rough .
Ideas: Focusing
• Quartz has many interesting physical features colors, .
It is one of the hardest minerals. It comes in many like purple, grey and white .
Ideas: Extending
• The physical characteristics of quartz are awesome amethyst .
. You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink. Purple quartz is called It is one of the hardest minerals . It is so hard it can scratch other minerals .
It’s a number 7 on the Moh’s hardness scale so it can scratch one through six.
Grade 3
General Topic Context for the Topic
Writing Situation
This unit, we have been studying rocks and minerals native to Georgia . Examples include Quartz and Kaolin.
Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Pick one rock or mineral we have been studying. Write a report describing its: a) physical characteristics b) uses c) location
Physical characteristics
Quartz
Uses
Conclusion
These elements illustrated (Grade 3) )
Controlling Idea:
Supporting Idea General Detail Specific Details and Elaboration
Quartz is a really interesting mineral found in GA.
• •
Sample Body Paragraph
The color, shape, size and location of quartz can be different .
You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink. Purple quartz is called amethyst .
Quartz is found worldwide .
You can find quartz at the beach. Yep, that’s right, quartz is in sand.
Ideas Score: Does Not Meet
• Hi my name is JR. I will like to tell you about quartz. They look they feel soft and some are kind of rough . The loctain in Goirge an other place . They uses for window glass wactchs .
Ideas Score: Meets
• • • • •
I think quartz is a very interesting mineral several reasons for Quartz has many interesting physical features .
It is one of the hardest minerals. It comes in many colors . Did you know that quartz can be found in rocks all over the world world . ? It’s the most common minerals and is found all over the Quartz has many uses even clocks .
. One thing I did not know is that quartz it is used to make windows, paint, glass, lens, for eyeglasses and So, I think you should go study quartz.
• • • •
Ideas Score: Exceeds
Imagine you are climbing Georgia’s mountains. You find a big rock. Then you hit it with a hammer. Ta da! Something shiny and sparkly is in it. That is a quartz.
It is one of the hardest minerals . It is so hard it can scratch other minerals .
on the Moh’s hardness scale so it can scratch one through six.
It’s a number 7 The color, shape, size and location of quartz can be different . You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink. Purple quartz is called amethyst .
Quartz is found worldwide .
You can find quartz at the beach. Yep, that’s right, quartz is in sand . Quartz changes by weathering . It doesn’t break down easy though . Unlike many minerals it doesn’t expand when it is heated or crack when it is cooled .
Quartz is also used in many ways .
One thing I did not know is that quartz it is used to make windows, glass, lenses for eyeglasses and even clocks . Now that I know so much about quartz I feel like a geologist.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 1: GEN / SPEC Quartz has many interesting physical features .
It is one of the hardest minerals. It comes in many colors .
General Details
• It is one of the hardest minerals.
Specific Details
• It’s a number 7 on the Moh’s hardness scale .
• It comes in many colors.
• You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink.
General Topic Context for the Topic
Grade 4 Narrative
Writing Situation
All of us have things that make our life difficult at times.
Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Write a personal narrative explaining why you feel it’s hard being you (at your age: 9 or 10)
Why it is hard being nine
I have lots of chores.
>>details Homework is hard.
>>details
Conclusion
These elements, illustrated:
Controlling Idea:
It is really hard being nine.
Supporting Idea Major Details Specific details and elaboration Sample Body Paragraph First of all, is responsibilities poop and pee. get to play with my cat teach her and help her .
. . I have one pet that is a cat. I need to sometimes scoop up the nasty The good thing is I Then, I have to sometimes clean my dirty room when I don’t want to. Also, I have to be a big sister. I have to
Ideas: Score Point 1
Do you think It is hard to Be 10. Well I do Because I hate taking out the trash and It stinks . If the sink is full I don’t like doing that Because the water is cold . I absolutely hate doing homework Because It is super hard . I say It is hard Being 10.
Ideas: Score Point 3
Hi, I am 9 years old. Have you ever had anything difficult in your life? While your thinking here’s some difficult things in my life.
First of all, is responsibilities . I have one pet that is a cat. I need to sometimes scoop up the nasty poop and pee. The good thing is I get to play with my cat . Then, I have to sometimes clean my dirty room when I don’t want to. Also, I have to be a big sister. I have to teach her and help her . Next is school . In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at. Then, I have to do homework and make sure I turn it in on time .
Then, I have sports . In sports I have to practice a lot and sometimes it takes away some of my playtime. Also, I have a lot of games and sometimes it gets boring, but I love it .
Last but not least is my family each other too .
. My sister and cousins can sometimes be bossy. Oh, and we fight a lot but not much. Also, we sometimes be mean to Now you know what is difficult in my life. Have you thought of yours yet.
Ideas: Score Point 4+
Do you think it’s hard being your age? It’s even harder being 9. Here is why.
I’m usually too short to ride the roller coasters I want to ride much fun they had .
. A lot of my friends are taller than me so they can ride them and when they come down they talk about how In addition I have to take care of my dog . I have to take the dog on walks, feed her, give her a bath, and play with her. It’s hard doing that by yourself .
Also it’s hard having younger siblings . They can drive you crazy! They always expect me to take care of them . I don’t understand why .
Here is another reason: There is so much homework ! Between coming home and going to bed, I don’t have time to do it all .
It’s hard to play softball for fast-pitch . The ball comes way faster than when you’re playing coach pitch. The girls also throw faster and are really good at pitching .
Next you have to wait to grow up . I would love to be driving right now. That would be awesome, but I can’t reach the pedals so I’ll have to wait . Also my parents embarrass me sometimes . Like when they ask “Do you need to go to the bathroom?” when they just asked that 5 minutes ago. That drives me insane .
Even though it’s hard being nine I’m glad I have all that I have. I have a great family, a great home, and more. Being 9 has its hard times but in the end I’m glad I’m still 9.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 1: GEN / SPEC
Next is school . In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at. Then, I have to do homework and make sure I turn it in on time .
General Details
• In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at.
• Then, I have to do homework and make sure I turn it in on time .
Specific Details
• Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which is really hard.
• I usually have two hours of homework each night. I have to have it done by the next day.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 2: ELABORATE
Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which is really hard.
Great example. Add 1 more sentence explaining how you feel when you are asked to multiply fractions. It makes me feel so confused all I want to do is put my head on my desk .
General Topic and context
2011 Grade 5 Persuasive
Writing Situation
Your principal is asking your class for ideas to improve the school . What change would you make to improve your school? Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Write a letter to convince your principal to make your change.
We need to make some lunch changes
More drink options >>details Cleaner lunchroom >>details
Conclusion
These elements, illustrated:
Controlling Idea:
If you make these changes, our school will be so much better. (response to 2011 Persuasive topic) Supporting Idea Major Details Specific details and elaboration Sample Body Paragraph Something needs to be done about our drink options at lunch orange juice now . . Water, and Fuze . . Right now, we have very few options These are . There is milk, chocolate milk, and I think we should add drinks like Gatorade, Smart healthy drinks that are a lot more exciting than the ones we have And who doesn’t want more excitement during the school day ?
Ideas: Score Point 1
One day our teacher made us watch a elmo video when suddenly the door opened. It was Mrs. H. aka the principal. Mrs. A. paused the video and turned around without moving her feet. Then Mrs. H. came in front of us and told us that are going to improve the school. She told us if anyone has an idea write a letter an give it to your teacher. Then our teacher turned the video back on. Meanwhile I was talking to Jake, “Jake now’s my chance.” After schoo, I wrote a letter. Dear Mrs. H., I have a few ideas, so here’s a list. 1-3.
1. We would like to have a buffet line or a food court .
2. We would like to have longer recesses .
3. We would like to have shorter school hours too .
Sincerely, G.H.
Ideas: Score Point 2
We would love a clean school! Are school needs to be the cleanest school on earth! I would enjoy a clean school, with nice students. If we have a nice school it would be the best school in the world. A nice, clean, and beautiful school is the best school of all.
We need a clean lavatory . It really stinks in there now . It is also really dirty . It would be great to get it all cleaned up . Recess and other fun things would be great . It would be fun to move around . I think we should have a nice long recess . It would be fun to sit in the grass .
Ideas: Score Point 3
This paper you are about to read shows the improvements I think are fair. I hope you agree with these suggestions. I also do believe they are reasonable for the school.
First off I think morning work should be put to an end . It would give us more time to get ready for the day . I think it would prepare us to be organized .
The second thing is the washing of tables . It would be more healthy if the school used hot water with five drops of soap . The table washers would wear gloves, so the things they touch won’t get on the table . So, in conclusion the table would be bacteria free, and students would not get sick a lot !
Third, I think it would be more fun if we all get into all the holiday spirits with arts and crafts . Then it would give even more ideal time for young artists . It would also give older students a chance to have more fun with art .
I hope these are good enough to improve the school. I hope you also agree with my choices. Goodbye to you.
Ideas: Score Point 4
I am writing this letter to tell you my opinion on how to improve the school. I hope it will come in use. My opinion is for the school to have cameras installed. This way you can see who has done something against school rules. I think that this way would be easier than trying to have someone confess and keep taking priveleges away from innocent children.
The place I think is the worst is the bathrooms . In our fifth grade bathrooms, boy’s mostly bathroom , people do not behave too well . Sometimes they do something so bad that the whole fifth grade can’t use the ! This is why the bathrooms should be installed with cameras.
The next place is the lunchroom . I am a quiet person who does not talk much so I usually just listen and spetate . Kids at the lunch table do bad things . They do stuff behind lunch ladies’ backs and make fun of the picture on the wall . Sometimes they play with their food . All the time I can hear them shout loudly, even when the lights are off catch those kids.
! That is why I say, if not the bathrooms, put cameras in the lunchroom to The last place I think kids act bad is the classrooms . They sure do shout and argue with each other ! Another way is when they put their hands on someone . I get board of having to listen to lectures of behaving good when I already do ! This is why my opinion of helping the school is to put cameras in the school.
Ideas: Score Point 5
I am having problems with the stoplight in the cafeteria. I think it is not such a good idea to have it. Of the few times in the school day we have to talk to our friends, lunch is one of them . Actually, lunch is the best time to talk freely . But the stoplight won’t let us . Yes, I know sometimes we make too much noise, but the problem is, it’s on red too much . We don’t make that much noise do we ? Honestly, I have only seen the stoplight on green three times this year .
The stoplight is also the reason a lot students talk in class time with learning time . . They probably feel that since they barely talk in the lunchroom, that they should replace that I’m not the only one who feels this way . The whole fifth grade thinks this also . Some of the fourth graders are even making petitions .
I know that you’re a busy person so I came up with my own ideas to help the situation . First of all, what about getting rid of the stoplight ? Go back to the way you used to handle noise . Whenever it got too noisy, the cafeteria monitors would turn the lights off . Some people can’t see what color the stoplight is on so they keep talking . But everyone can see if the lights on the ceiling are off .
Another solution I thought of is just reprogramming the stoplight to go on green more often . If you don’t have any technicians, or if it’s too expensive to hire one, I can do it . I’m a tech expert . All I need are the tools and permission from you . I’m clean out of ideas for now. Thank you for taking your time to read this letter.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 1: GEN / SPEC
First off I think morning work should be put to an end . It would give us more time to get ready for the day . I think it would prepare us to be organized .
General Details
• I would give us more time to get ready for the day.
• I think it would prepare us to be organized.
Specific Details
• It would give us more time to study for tests and to finish any homework we forgot about.
• We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.
IDEAS feedback/exercise
# 2: ELABORATE
First off I think morning work should be put to an end .
I think it would prepare us to be organized. We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.
Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence explaining how being ready for the day will help you. When we are ready for the day, we won’t waste time looking for books or papers . We can get more learning done .
Zeroing in: Organization
Better sequencing through Going GREEN
Success through…
Planning/ Prewriting Drafting Proofread/ Publish Final Draft Revising & Editing
…the Writing Process
The Big Picture: How do I get there?
• • • What is my position (in persuasive writing)?
What am I explaining (in informational writing)?
What are my supporting ideas (main points)?
General Topic and context
2011 Grade 5 Persuasive
Writing Situation
Your principal is asking your class for ideas to improve the school . What change would you make to improve your school? Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Write a letter to convince your principal to make your change.
• • • •
Planning / Prewriting Clean the bathrooms Have ice cream everyday Get rid of the stoplight in the cafeteria Kids need to talk at times It is expensive to operate.
It is ugly.
Go back to the old system.
Kids need to talk at times.
Add details in your draft.
Go back to the old system.
Add details in your draft.
Connecting parts of the BIG Picture •
Grouping
: occurs when the writer uses relevant details to elaborate particular
supporting ideas
.
The next place is the lunchroom . I am a quiet person who does not talk much so I usually just listen and spetate. Kids at the lunch table do bad things. They do stuff behind lunch ladies’ backs and make fun of the picture on the wall. Sometimes they play with their food. All the time I can hear them shout loudly, even when the lights are off! That is why I say, if not the bathrooms, put cameras in the lunchroom to catch those kids.
Sequencing: Order Matters
Quartz has many interesting physical features .
is one of the hardest minerals. It
Good! What is its hardness on Mohs Scale of Hardness?
It’s a number 7 on Mohs hardness scale .
It comes in many colors .
Yes, that’s true. Now, add one more sentence about the specific colors it comes in.
You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink.
Sequencing: Order Matters Putting it all together…
Quartz has many interesting physical features .
It is one of the hardest minerals. It’s a number 7 on Mohs hardness scale.
many colors . white, purple, brown and pink.
It comes in You can find quartz in grey,
Sequencing: Order Matters
Next is school . In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at. Good. Give an example of one thing you learn in school.
Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which is really hard.
Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence explaining how you feel when you are asked to multiply fractions.
It makes me feel so confused all I want to do is put my head on my desk .
Sequencing: Order Matters Putting it all together…
Next is school . In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at. Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which is really hard.
on my desk .
It makes me feel so confused all I want to do is put my head
Sequencing: Order Matters
First off I think morning work should be put to an end .
think it would prepare us to be organized.
I What would you organize?
We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.
Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence explaining how being ready for the day will help you.
When we are ready for the day, we won’t waste time looking for books or papers . We can get more learning done .
Sequencing: Order Matters Putting it all together…
First off I think morning work should be put to an end day.
.
I think it would prepare us to be organized.
We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the When we are ready for the day, we won’t waste time looking for books or papers . We can get more learning done .
Connecting parts of the BIG Picture
More Effective Transitions
•
However
•
For example
•
Therefore
However
When you want to show contrast between ideas Many people think kids won’t drink milk. If you get chocolate milk, however , they will take it down in big huge gulps!
For example
When you want to set up a SPECIFIC example I think it would prepare us to be organized. For example , we could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.
Therefore
When you want to show how one thing leads to another.
We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.
Therefore, we won’t waste time looking for books or papers. We can get more learning done.
2010 Grade 5 Informational
General Topic Context for the Topic
Writing Situation
You have been chosen by a company to make a new product . Your product could be a food, a toy, a game, or any other item you want.
Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Write a report for the company that describes your idea for a new product and explains how it can be used .
Organization Score Point 1
Hye, my name is David Jones. I have just come on to one of the greatest game ever made. This game is called “The Iner Street Racer.” On this game you race at midnight so 5.0 won’t catch you. To make this game even funner it has different races on it. On this game you can customize your car.
The response is too brief to receive more than a 1 in Organization.
Intro discusses only 1 product Minimal Grouping
Organization: Score Point 2
No Conclusion The products that I am writing to the company are a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink on a sunny day without in and out of the house. The other product I thought of is a silent scooter for people who can’t walk. It has a senser for when your about to bump into something.
I also thought of a robot that can help you when your hurt. For an example, you had surgery on your leg of whatever, this product can give you food and something to drink.
My next product is a safe with a D.N.A. scanner so nobody will get your money.
Minimal evidence of control (e.g., there is some grouping.)
Brief intro
Organization: Score Point 3
If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition. Sequencing ( ) Grouping Transitions Brief conclusion It is a computer, DVD player, 5 disc changer, 5 controllers. It is portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game. That is wireless too. It comes with 5 of those too. Games come with it too. It comes with three games. There are also lots of different games you can buy. There are sports games. There are action games. There are also adventure games. You can play these for hours and have fun. It has surround sound and bass to it. your eardrums. It is so loud that it might bust It has cool graphics. When you play the game it looks so real. It has a special controller that you can use all the time. 6,000. It is the best controller that anybody could use. It is called the mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that you can use. It has vibration on it too. It is computerized. When it gets to the hard part you can kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine That would be the best product I would make for the whole world to see.
There is clear grouping and generally clear sequencing, but transitions are not varied. The intro and conclusion are brief.
Intro sets stage
Organization: Score Point 4
If your like me, I never get good sleep with a bed filled with springs. I wake up two times at night if I’m lucky. Well that’s going to change with my bed called the dreamer bed. Sequencing ( ) Here’s how it works. It is filled with tiney beads so it will form your every position. Also if you don’t want it just filled with beads, you can blow air in there, too. a pump that plugs into a small hole on the side that lets air in and out, but does not let the beads out. If you put air into the bed and you decide you don’t want the air in it, then pull the plug and the air will come out.
To fill it with air you get Grouping If your wondering what it is covered with and how it is held together, it is a soft material called cotton. We thread the cotton into thick string that is very strong. come apart.
Don’t worry it won’t Transitions You can take it anywhere you want. so the string can bend easily.
If your going on a trip like going camping and you don’t want to sleep on the hard ground, then bring the dreamer bed with you! The dreamer bed is made Conclusion: Reminder of the product’s benefits You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can even put two, three, or four different colors. Many people think nothing is perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never get sick of the dreamer bed.
This one has more consistent sequencing and more effective transitions than the previous example.
Catchy Intro sets stage Sequencing ( ) Grouping Transitions Compelling statement in conclusion Organization: Score Point 5 Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kidsoff their feet and making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat. Say hello to fun in the future, it’s Robotic Simon. This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. I bet your wondering what a robot named Simon can do. Well, it can do everything you do in the first mode. jump. I call this mode everything you do. he can jump. Lets say “Simon Says.” (get it?) Wherever you go he goes. You lift your arm, he lifts his. You lift your leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump out the controller to control Simon. In this mode Simon does , he has springs in his shoes so you get tired of Simon being your shadow. With this controller be the boss . So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.” Simon goes wherever he wants. Then break you can make Simon do a weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to In this mode If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he wants to dance then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps then he will Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina. exactly like Simon just acts like him in a more female way. Simorina is Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina with all you energy and you want to put him/her away. The only problem is you can’t find the off switch. All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off. she/he is not on “Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap. Make sure Let’s say a child under three tries to eat Simon/Simorina. danger with its eyes and plays a lullaby. and goes to sleep. This toy sees the The baby puts Simon/Simorina down This toy is completely safe. This a toy that kids in the future will play with all day. Out motto is “Make every kids imagination run free” and that’s exactly what Simon/Simorina is going to do.
The difference here: a variety of effective transitions link all parts of the response.
More Effective Intros
• Thought-provoking Questions • Setting the stage for the body of the paper • Directly Addressing the Reader
Thought-provoking Questions
Have you ever wanted to breath underwater? Here’s your chance. It’s called the U.B.I. It stands for Underwater Breathing Item. It will definitely be one of the most useful items ever invented.
Setting the stage for the body of the paper
My product is called the Grab and Get 3000. The Grab and Get 3000 is a wire that you attach to your television and remote. What happens is that you put your hand right through the television and grab anything you want. When you put your hand in everything freezes so nothing will disturb you.
Directly Addressing the Reader
Dear Mrs. Smith, I’m glad you have decided to make some changes, and I think that adding an after-school football league is the way to go. I think you will see happier students and teachers. If we’re happy, I bet you’ll be happy too.
More Effective Conclusions
• Summary of Key Points Without Repetition • Reminder of Personal Connections the Reader Has to the Topic • Compelling Statement
Summary of Key Points Without Repetition
Can’t you see now that we need more soap in the bathrooms? We want to prevent germs and people from getting sick. This way, everyone can come to school and do their best.
Reminder of Personal Connections the Reader Has to the Topic
People will love new Mega Nails. Remember, tons and tons of hard, cold cash will come from this product. And what company couldn’t use more of that these days?
Compelling Statement
Cats around the world will purr for Oat Bran Delights. If there are any problems with the food, just call our 800 number and you will get real people with real answers. Remember, Oat Bran Delights will make you and your cat happier.
Zeroing in: Style
• Effective word choice through Going GREEN • Varying sentence structure
More Effective Word Choice
• Descriptive • Figurative • Technical
Descriptive Word Choice
Gives the reader a much clearer sense of your ideas Simple
In school I have to learn a lot of things.
Descriptive
In school I have to learn to multiply fractions .
Figurative Word Choice
Allows you to emphasize a point in a humorous way. Simple
It really stinks in there now.
Figurative
The bathroom stench will knock you off your feet . Those little pink pucks can’t cover it up.
Technical Word Choice
Works well in informational writing.
Some It is one of the hardest minerals .
More It is a 7 on Mohs scale of hardness .
Sentence Variety and Style
• Avoid too many simple sentences.
• Avoid similar sentence beginnings.
Avoid too many simple sentences
Too many:
for me too.
I really hate regular milk. I do like chocolate milk. I like the taste. I know it is good
Better:
I really hate regular milk, but I do like chocolate milk. I like the taste, and I know it is good for me too.
Avoid similar sentence beginnings
Repetitious:
I really hate chocolate milk. I like for me too.
regular milk. I do like the taste. I know it is good
Better:
I really hate regular milk, but I do like chocolate milk. I like the taste, and I know it is good for me too.
2010 Grade 5 Informational
General Topic Context for the Topic
Writing Situation
You have been chosen by a company to make a new product . Your product could be a food, a toy, a game, or any other item you want.
Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Write a report for the company that describes your idea for a new product and explains how it can be used .
Style: Score Point 1
Hye, my name is David Jones. I have just come on to one of the greatest game ever made. This game is called “The Iner Street Racer.” On this game you race at midnight so 5.0 won’t catch you. To make this game even funner it has different races on it. On this game you can customize your car.
The response is too brief to receive more than a 1 in Style.
Simple, repetitive word choice
Style: Score Point 2
• The products that I am writing to the company are a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink when you want a drink. The other product I thought of is a scooter for people who can’t walk. It has a senser for when your about to bump into something .
I also thought of a robot that can help you when you don’t feel good . For an example, you fell or whatever , this product can give you food and something to drink.
My next product is a safe, nobody will get your money . Its not good when you lose your money . So you can put your money in it.
Word choice is mostly simple and ordinary.
Simple, repetitive word choice More engaging word choice • Style: Score Point 3 If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition . It is a computer, DVD player, and 5 disc changer, with 5 controllers. It is portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game. That is wireless too . It comes with 5 of those too . Games come with it too . It comes with three games. There are also lots of different games you can buy. There are sports games . There are action games . There are also adventure games . You can play these and have hours of fun . It has surround sound eardrums . and bass to it. It is so loud that it might bust your It has life-like graphics. When you play the game it looks so real. It has a special controller that you can use all the time. It is called the mean machine 6,000 . It is the best controller that you can use. It has vibration can on it too. It is computerized. When it gets to the hard part you kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that anybody could use. That would be the best product I would make for the whole world to see.
There are some lapses into simple, repetitive often than not, word choice is engaging .
word choice, but more
Engaging word choice Less effective control of language •
Style: Score Point 4
If your like me , I never get good sleep with with my bed called the dreamer bed. a bed filled with springs . I wake up two times at night if I’m lucky. Well that’s going to change Here’s how it works. It is filled with tiney beads so it will form to your every position . Also if you don’t want it just filled with beads, you can blow air in there, too. To fill it with air you get a pump that plugs into a small hole on the side that lets air in and out, but does not let the beads out. If you put air into the bed and you decide you don’t want the air in it, then pull the plug and the air will come out.
If your wondering what it is covered with and how it is held together, it is a soft material called cotton . We thread the cotton into thick string that is very strong. Don’t worry it won’t come apart.
You can take it anywhere you want. If your going on a trip like going camping and you don’t want to sleep on the hard ground, then bring the dreamer bed with you! The dreamer bed is made so the string can bend easily .
You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can even put two, three, or four different colors dreamer bed.
. Many people think nothing is perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never get sick of the
Word choice is consistently engaging .
Engaging word choice Less effective control of language • Style: Score Point 5 Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kids off their feet and making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat . Say hello to fun in the future , it’s Robotic Simon. This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. robot named Simon can do. Well, it can do everything you do in the first mode. I call this mode “Simon Says.” (get it?) I bet your wondering In this mode Simon does everything you do. Wherever you go he goes. You lift your arm, he lifts his. You lift your leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump, he has springs in his shoes so he can jump. Lets say you get tired of Simon being your shadow. Then what a break out the controller to control Simon. With this controller you can make Simon do a weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to be the boss . So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.” In this mode Simon goes wherever he wants. If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he wants to dance then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps. Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina. Simorina is exactly like Simon just acts like him in a more feminine way . Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina want to put him/her away. The only problem is you can’t find the off switch. All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off. with all your energy Make sure you she/he is not on “Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap. Let’s say a child under three tries to eat Simon/Simorina. This toy sees the danger with its eyes and plays a lullaby. The baby puts Simon/Simorina down and goes to sleep. This toy is completely safe. This a toy that kids in the future will play with all day. Out motto is “ Make every kids imagination run free ” and that’s exactly what Simon/Simorina is going to do.
The writer uses a variety of carefully crafted phrases to engage the audience. Audience awareness is strong (e.g., “Now that I told you”).
Zeroing in: Conventions
Identify/Eliminate Major Editing Errors: • • • Comma splice Fused sentence • Fragment Agreement errors
Conventions Breakdown
Conventions
Capitalization Paragraph Breaks Spelling Sentence Correctness Sentence Clarity Internal Punctuation Sentence Complexity Verb Tenses End Punctuation Word Forms Subject-Verb Agreement Major Editing Errors • Comma splice • Fused sentence • Fragment • Agreement errors
Comma Splice
Happens when you try to join two sentences with a comma.
Fault: It has surround sound and bass to it, it is so loud that it might bust your eardrums .
Fix 1: It has surround sound and bass to it. It is so loud that it might burst your eardrums.
Fix 2: It has surround sound a bass to it; it is so loud that it might burst your eardrums.
Fused Sentence
Happens when you try to join two sentences without any punctuation.
Fault: It is the best controller that you can use it has vibration on it too.
Fix 1: It is the best controller that you can use. It has vibration on it too.
Fix 2: It is the best controller that you can use; it has vibration on it too.
Fix 3: It is the best controller that you can use, and it has vibration on it too.
Fragment
Happens when a sentence is missing a subject or predicate.
Fault: The Playstation 4 comes with many games. Lots of excitement. Fix: The Playstation 4 comes with many games, so kids will enjoy lots of excitement.
Exception—functional fragment: The Playstation 4 has many appropriate games that parents can feel good about. Games with no violence . No blood and gore . There are actually many games that are educational.
Fault 1—Subject/Verb Disagreement: Kids Playstation 3. already has a Fix: Kids already have a Playstation 3. Fault 2—Pronoun/Antecedent Disagreement (often related to number): If a student wants to play games at school, now they can with my new PSP.
Fix: If a student wants to play games at school, now he or she can with my new PSP.
Fault 3—Incorrect Word Forms: The Playstation 4 comes with 2 game . Fix: The Playstation 4 comes with 2 games .
2010 Grade 5 Informational
General Topic Context for the Topic
Writing Situation
You have been chosen by a company to make a new product . Your product could be a food, a toy, a game, or any other item you want.
Writer’s task
Directions for Writing
Write a report for the company that describes your idea for a new product and explains how it can be used .
Major Editing Errors
Conventions: Score Point 1
Hye, my name is David Jones. I have just come on to one of the greatest game ever made. This game is called “The Iner Street Racer.” On this game you race at midnight so 5.0 won’t catch you. To make this game even funner it has different races on it. On this game you can customize your car.
The response is too brief to receive more than a 1 in Conventions.
Major Editing Errors
Conventions: Score Point 2
• The products that I am writing to the company is a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink when you want a drink. The other product I thought of is a scooter for people who can’t walk. It has a senser for when your about to bump into something.
I also thought of a robot that can help you when you don’t feel good. For an example, you fell or whatever, this product can give you food and something to drink .
My next product is a safe, nobody will get your money . Its not good when you lose your money. You can put your money in it.
There is a mix of control here—about as many correct examples as incorrect.
Major Editing Errors • Conventions: Score Point 3 If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition. It is a computer, DVD player, and 5 disc changer, with 5 controllers. It is portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game. That is wireless to . It comes with 5 of those too. Games come with it too. It comes with three games. There are also lots of different game you can buy. There are sports games. There are action games. There are also adventure games. You can play these and have hours of fun. It has surround sound and bass to it, it is so loud that it might bust your eardrums . It has life-like graphics. When you play the game it looks so real. It has a special controller that you can use all the time. It is called the mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that you can use it has vibration on it too . It is computerized. When it gets to the hard part you can kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that anybody could use. That would be the best product I would make for the hole world to see.
There are some sentence, usage, and mechanics errors, but the writer demonstrates control in the majority of the response. Many of the sentences are simple.
Major Editing Errors
Conventions: Score Point 4
If your like me, I never get good sleep with a bed filled with springs. I wake up two times at night if I’m lucky. Well that’s going to change with my bed called the dreamer bed. Here’s how it works. It is filled with tiny beads so it will form to your every position. Also if you don’t want it just filled with beads, you can blow air in there, too. To fill it with air you get a pump that plugs into a small hole on the side that lets air in and out, but does not let the beads out. If you put air into the bed and you decide you don’t want the air in it, then pull the plug and the air will come out.
If your wondering what it is covered with and how it is held together, it is a soft material called cotton. We thread the cotton into thick string that is very strong. Don’t worry it won’t come apart .
You can take it anywhere you want. If your going on a trip like going camping and you don’t want to sleep on the hard ground, then bring the dreamer bed with you! The dreamer bed is made so the string can bend easily.
You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can even get a pattern of two, three, or four different colors. Many people think nothing is perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never get sick of the dreamer bed.
•
There is consistent control demonstrated in Conventions, with few major editing errors.
Major Editing Errors • Conventions: Score Point 5 Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kids off their feet and making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat. Say hello to fun in the future; it’s Robotic Simon. This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. I bet jump. Lets your wondering what a robot named Simon can do. Well, it can do everything you do in the first mode. I call this mode “Simon Says.” (get it?) In this mode Simon does everything you do. Wherever you go he goes. If you lift your arm, he lifts his. If you lift your leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump, he has springs in his shoes so he can say you get tired of Simon being your shadow. Then break out the controller to control Simon. With this controller you can make Simon do a weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to be the boss. So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.” In this mode Simon goes wherever he wants. If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he wants to dance, so then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps. Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina. Simorina is exactly like Simon, but she just acts like him in a more feminine way. Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina with all your energy you want to put him/her away. The only problem is you can’t find the off switch. All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off. Make sure she/he is not on “Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap. Let’s say a child under three tries to eat Simon/Simorina. This toy sees the danger with its eyes and plays a lullaby. The baby puts Simon/Simorina down and goes to sleep. This toy is completely safe. This a toy that kids in the future will play with all day. Out motto is “Make every kids imagination run free” and that’s exactly what Simon/Simorina is going to do.
The writer demonstrates a full command in Conventions, with very few major editing errors.