Transcript Parenting 親子教養
Parenting
親子教養 Presenter: Dr. Steven W Long 演講者：榮司提反博士
Parenting
親子教養 Presenter: Dr. Steven W Long 演講者：榮司提反博士
愛中教養
Love Empowered Parenting
您能為孩子所做最重要的事 The Most Important Thing You can Do for Your Children
原則ㄧ：沒有比這還重要的事
Principle #1: Nothing is more important
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優先順序的力量 The power of your priorities
• 愛 love • 「優先次序」從選擇開始 當我們視其他事更為重要時，我們跟孩子的關 係不再成為首要的。 Priorities begin with my Choice - Our relationship with our kids stops being a priority when we decide to make other things the priority.
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原則ㄧ：沒有比這還重要的事
Principle #1: Nothing is more important
• 選擇 您在哪些地方花您的時間、精力還有金錢？ Choice - Where do You Spend Your Time, Energy and Money?
• • 金錢 比起我們的家庭、配偶以及孩子還要重要嗎？ money - is this priority above our family, spouse and children?
• 成功 比起我們的家庭、配偶以及孩子還要重要嗎？ success -is this priority above our family, spouse and children?
嗜好 比起我們的家庭、配偶以及孩子還要重要嗎？ hobbies -is this priority above our family, spouse and children?
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原則ㄧ：沒有比這還重要的事
Principle #1: Nothing is more important
• 有目的地教養
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非被動教養
Parenting Intentionally - Not Reactively.
• 建立例行性床邊時間包含親密時光、故事時間及禱告。 having a bedtime routine that includes snuggling, reading, and praying; • 養成「停下來」說話的習慣，特別當您聽到您孩子跟您 分享或是聽到關於他們的消息。 making it a practice to STOP and talk whenever you get good news from or about your child; • 當您在孩子傍晚放學回到家見到他們第一眼時，問他們 關於當天生活的具體問題。 asking specific questions about their day when you first see your child in the afternoon or evening;
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原則ㄧ：沒有比這還重要的事
Principle #1: Nothing is more important
• 有目的地教養
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非被動教養
Parenting Intentionally - Not Reactively.
• 建立將孩子納入關乎家庭的安排計劃的習慣。 making it a habit to get them involved with you in projects around your home; and • 並且計劃晚間與家人孩子的共同娛樂 planning your evenings of entertainment together
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原則ㄧ：沒有比這還重要的事
Principle #1: Nothing is more important
• 安排時間上優先次序
Priorities are Done in My Time
• 愛在我們日常生活中與「時間」息息相關。
Love is spelled out in our daily lives with four letters: T-I-M-E .
• 安排陪伴孩子的時間 Schedule time with child(ren) • 成為日常生活一部分 Establish Routines • 愛在當中 Love as you go
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原則ㄧ：沒有比這還重要的事
Principle #1: Nothing is more important
• （有時）什麼也不做單單陪孩子玩 Just Do Nothing (sometimes) PLAY
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原則二：以新的力量來愛
Principle #2 Love with New Power
• 我們如何愛他們？ How do we love them?
• 要成為好父母，您必須明白以身作則的力量。在關係上 我們傾向遵循那些為我們設立典範的人。 To be a good parent, you must understand the power of example. In relationships all of us tend to follow the examples that have been set for us.
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原則二：以新的力量來愛
Principle #2 Love with New Power
• 我們如何愛他們？ How do we love them?
• 我們傾向進入與我們父母同樣的婚姻，我們未必如此期 望，但潛意識中有這種傾向。 We tend to have the kind of marriage that our parents had, we don't have to have this, but tend to.
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原則二：以新的力量來愛
Principle #2 Love with New Power
• 在婚姻中，互補個性互相吸引 --- 同時個性迥異又彼 此衝突。 in marriage, opposites attract ----- and then opposites attack!
• 這個原則深深影響著我們的教養。身為父母親，我們傾 向以我們成長的方式養育兒女。如果您生長在一個大嗓 門的家庭，家人們同時講話比誰講話大聲的，您的家庭 大概也會是這樣。 This principle has deep implications for our parenting. As parents, we tend to raise our children as we were raised. If you grew up in a loud home where everyone talked at at the same time, this is the way your family will drift.
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原則二：以新的力量來愛
Principle #2 Love with New Power
• 但如果您生長在一個安靜的家庭，甚至一隻蒼蠅在窗邊 飛都會引起警報器嗡嗡大叫，那麼您自然就會是很安靜 地。不是說一種方式是正確而另一種是錯誤的 ; 而單純 只是不同的兩種家庭文化。 If you were raised in a home where it was so quiet that a single fly buzzing in the window brought a four-alarm response, this is the way you‘ll naturally blend. One way isn't correct and the other wrong; it's just two different family cultures.
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原則二：以新的力量來愛
Principle #2 Love with New Power
• 如果您曾經發現您說的話或行為跟您的父母親一模一樣， 您就能夠明白以身作則的力量。 If you've ever heard or seen your parents in the words you use and actions you take, you understand the power of example.
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原則三：從「心」溝通
Principle #3 Communicate from Your Heart
• 話語的力量
The Power of Your Words
• 嘴裡出來的話語都源自於「心」 What comes out of the mouth gets it's start in the heart!
• 話語對年輕人的影響力超乎您的想像 The power of words influence a young person's heart beyond measure • 您應該還記得某些小時候在學校或操場聽過的負面言語 you still remember some of the negative words spoken to you while you were on the playground or at school
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原則三：從「心」溝通
Principle #3 Communicate from Your Heart
• 話語源自於心 Words start in the heart • 我希望不是這樣，但實際上是 I want to pretend this is not true, but it is • 當我的心裡氣憤時，我說出來的話就會無禮。 When my heart is irritated, I speak rudely • • 身為成人，我們容易傾向壓抑所要說的話 As adults, we tend to often protect our words with other adults 我的老闆可能沒看見或是欣賞我的努力，即使我們沒說出 來，孩子都能感受到裡面的憤怒。 my boss may not see or appreciate my hard work, but we don't tell him, our children get the anger!
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原則三：從「心」溝通
Principle #3 Communicate from Your Heart
• 話語源自於心 Words start in the heart • 察覺 我們的（您的）話語是從心中而來。 Recognize - our (your) words come from your heart • 改變我的心 Change my heart, OH GOD!
• 當說錯時，請求別人的原諒 Ask for forgiveness when you say something wrong
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原則三：從「心」溝通
Principle #3 Communicate from Your Heart
• 話語的力量
The Power of Your Words
• 您的孩子掙扎時您該怎麼說？ What to say when your child is struggling • 我的父親：「你怎麼這麼笨連這也不懂。」 my dad, "are you so stupid that you don't understand.” • 你跟豬公的乳頭一樣沒有用 you are as worthless as tits on a male pig
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原則三：從「心」溝通
Principle #3 Communicate from Your Heart
• 話語的力量
The Power of Your Words
• 停下來、轉身並傾聽 Stop, Turn and Listen • 我假設這從不曾這麼教導，就像您們不教過馬路前要 「停、看、聽」 I suspect this is never taught, since you don't teach Stop, Look and Listen for crossing street
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原則三：從「心」溝通
Principle #3 Communicate from Your Heart
• 當孩子生氣時應當說什麼 What to say when your child is Angry • 怒氣＋怒氣＝很多怒氣 Anger + Anger = multiplied anger • 怒氣 + 溫和的言語＝幫助孩子的機會 Anger + gentle words = an opportunity to help your child • 溫和的言語不代表靜默 Gentle doesn't mean "quiet." • 溫柔代表受控制的能力 Gentle is Power Under Control
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原則三：從「心」溝通
Principle #3 Communicate from Your Heart
• 您不是讓怒氣及其他情緒使您「失去控制」就是「在控制中」 You are either "out of control" or "in control" of anger and other emotions • 在正確的時間表達 Speak at the Right Time • 用正確的方式表達 Speak in the Right Way • 選擇適當的言語 Choose the Right Words
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原則四：表現及教導憐憫
Principle #4 Show & Teach Mercy
• • • • • 管教和同情的力量
The Power of Your Discipline and Compassion
我們都需要憐憫 We all Need Mercy 您怎麼論斷人也會這樣被人論斷。 in the same way you judge others you will be judged • 為何您看見別人眼中有刺，卻不想自己眼中有梁木呢？ Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
我是否教導孩子虛偽？ Am I Teaching my Children Hypocrisy?
• 我是否正在教導孩子正直？ Am I Teaching my Children Integrity?
我是否教導孩子憐憫 Am I Teaching my Children Mercy?
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原則四：表現及教導憐憫
Principle #4 Show & Teach Mercy
• 管教和同情的力量
The Power of Your Discipline and Compassion
• 別再把您的孩子逼瘋 Stop Driving Your Kid's Crazy!
• 教導憐憫從「別惹怒您的孩子」開始。 The teaching of mercy starts with "don't exasperate your children.” • 停止對孩子的責罵及嘮叨，這會引起孩子的不滿和怒氣。寧 可以建議和敬虔的忠告建立長遠的紀律。 Don‘t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with long discipline and with suggestions and godly advice.
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原則四：表現及教導憐憫
Principle #4 Show & Teach Mercy
• • • • 管教和同情的力量
The Power of Your Discipline and Compassion
父母親們，別逼得太兇不然您會折損孩子們的靈性。 Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits.
模糊的界限 Unclear boundaries • 別看太多電視、上網太久（怎樣算多？） don't watch too much TV or Internet (what is too much?) • 不一致性的管教 Inconsistent discipline.
試想這個故事：有天老闆讚許您的客戶服務工作做得很好，隔天您卻被糾正打太多電 話給客戶了。 think of this story at work: one day you get a "high-five" from the boss for how you work with customers and then next day you are called on the carpet and disciplined for being on the phone too much.
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原則四：表現及教導憐憫
Principle #4 Show & Teach Mercy
• • 管教和同情的力量
The Power of Your Discipline and Compassion
不平衡的批評 Unbalanced Criticism • 每一個批評要用十個讚美肯定來平衡 balance every one word of criticism with at least 10 words of praise!
• 不合理的要求 Unreasonable demands.
• 當我們要求孩子的事情超過他們能力時 anytime we ask a child to do something beyond their abilities • 當孩子們問原因時，父母親經常回答：「因為我說的！」 when kids ask for a reason we need to keep a rule -- we parents often say, "because I said so.”
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原則四：表現及教導憐憫
Principle #4 Show & Teach Mercy
• 管教和同情的力量
The Power of Your Discipline and Compassion
• 我們必須告訴孩子為什麼我們這麼說 — 也許這樣有危險，也 許孩子們甚至都不曾想過這些問題，我們需要再思考、重申、 甚至放下原本的命令。 we need to tell them why we said so -- there may be danger, there may be something they have not thought about and sometimes, we may want to think and restate or drop the demand.
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原則四：表現及教導憐憫
Principle #4 Show & Teach Mercy
• • • • • • • • 管教和同情的力量
The Power of Your Discipline and Compassion
不當或未得解決的怒氣 Undeserved or unresolved anger 通常我們的怒氣從別處而來 kids, etc.
— 我們對老闆生氣，但卻對孩子吼叫等。 Often our anger comes out sideways -- we are angry at our boss, but we yell at our 當我們對別人表現不當的怒氣時，我們必須在意識到當下馬上道歉。 when we express undeserved anger at others, we must apologize soon as we realize it.
愛的管教 Loving Discipline • 每個人都需要紀律 Everyone Needs to be Disciplined 舉例：運動員 Athlete, for example • 紀律是痛苦的 Discipline is painful 在舉重圈有句話這麼說：「沒有疼痛，就沒有收獲」 In weight lifting there is an expression, "No Pain, No Gain." 管教是要對我的孩子有益，不是對我有益 Discipline is for my Kid's benefit, not for my benefit.
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原則四：表現及教導憐憫
Principle #4 Show & Teach Mercy
• • • • • • • • 管教和同情的力量
The Power of Your Discipline and Compassion
我的短暫管教能夠預備孩子一生的紀律 My short term disciplines should prepare my children for lifetime disciplines of their own.
同情帶來的益處 The Gift of Compassion 帶給孩子希望 Give Them Hope 帶給孩子耐心 Give Them Patience 帶給孩子好的開始 Give Them a Fresh Start 帶給孩子您的理解 Give Them Your Understanding 帶給孩子您的原諒 Give them Your Forgiveness
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原則五：好好服務您的孩子
Principle #5 Serve Your Children Well
• 服務的力量
The Power of Serving
• • 成為好的父母 A Great Parent 逆向思考 成為偉大的人我們必須學會服務他人！ Upside down thinking - to be great we must learn to serve others!
• 以僕人式選擇替代自私的選擇 replace selfish choices with servant choices • • 服務不是給與孩子們想要的，但因著愛給與他們 需要 的。（有時甚至會衝突） our service is not just giving our children what they want, but lovingly (sometimes through arguments) giving them what they NEED.
服務並非討人喜悅，而是在每一次給與他們所需要的。 Service is not people pleasing, but, rather giving what is needed each time we work with them.
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原則五：好好服務您的孩子
Principle #5 Serve Your Children Well
• 服務的力量
The Power of Serving
• 藉由供應服務您的孩子 Serve by providing for your children • 藉由保護服務您的孩子 Serve by protecting your children • 帶他們去看醫生 take them to doctor • 安全帶 seat belts • 開車時遵守交通規則，以身作則來教導孩子如何開車。 following the rules when driving and teaching them to drive
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原則六：力行黃金守則
Principle #6 Live the Golden Rule
• • 無私的力量
The Power of Unselfishness
管教的服務。「服從」的意思指的是「在下面聽」，說的是有能力 去聽見並回應另一方的指示。我認為這是很重要的一個工作技能及 生命技能。沒有人天生就喜歡別人來告訴我們該做什麼，對我們成 人來說也是。我們天生就傾向抗拒別人的指揮。需要紀律來拒絕血 氣上的自私而遵循老闆指示的方向，或者不自私地來滿足配偶的需 要。這樣的紀律是從順服父母親開始學習的。 the discipline of service. The word obey literally means to "hear under." It is the ability to listen and respond to another's direction. I'd say that's an important job skill and a life skill. None of us really like it when someone else tells us what to do even for us adults, something in us tends to resist another person directing us. It takes discipline to say no to our own selfishness and to follow the directions of a boss or to give unselfishly to meet the needs of our spouse. This discipline is first learned through obedience to parents.
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原則六：力行黃金守則
Principle #6 Live the Golden Rule
• 無私的力量
The Power of Unselfishness
• 做出正確的事的喜悅。造物主創造人類讓我們享受當做出正 確的事時的喜悅。您的子女永遠不會承認當他們遵守您的要 求、拿垃圾出去丟時，心裡頭有一絲絲的滿足感。但這是真 實存在的。 The pleasure of doing the right thing. God has designed us so that we experienced joy when we do what is right. Your son or daughter will never admit there was a tiny burst of satisfaction that came when they obeyed your request and took out the trash, but it is nevertheless there.
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結語
And Finally
如何對待您的孩子
How to Treat Your Kids
• 對待您的孩子如同上天賜給您的禮物 Treat your children as a gift from God.
• 對待您的孩子如同上天託付您管理 Treat your children as a stewardship from God.
• 對待您的孩子如同兄弟姐妹一般 Treat your children as brothers and sisters spiritually.
• 請記住 And Remember • 沒有完美家庭這回事。 No such thing as a perfect family.
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