Transcript The Peaceful Intervention: Caring Safely for Angry Children and Youth

EDUCATING THE
ANGRY CHILD
MALCOLM SMITH, PHD,
President, Malcolm Smith Consulting
Founder and Director, The Courage to Care Institute
Dr. Malcolm Smith
What do they have in common?
“I perceived my life as miserable. I was afraid
nobody loved me, nobody cared.”
▪
Michael Carneal, 14 Years Old (Wolfson, 2002)
PADUCAH KENTUCKY, DECEMBER 7, 1997
Shot eight students, killed three.
THE OUTCOME OF ANY SITUATION WITH AN ANGRY
PERSON WILL DEPEND ON YOUR BEHAVIOR,
NOT THE OTHER PERSON’S BEHAVIOR.
SAFETY IS ALL ABOUT HEARTWARE,
NOT HARDWARE
▪THE OUTCOME OF ANY SITUATION WITH AN
ANGRY CHILD WILL BE DEPENDENT ON THE
ADULT’S BEHAVIOR, NOT THE CHILD’S
BEHAVIOR.
HOW DO WE LEARN HOW TO
BE ANGRY?
▪
▪
MODELING
RANDOM POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT AND
REWARD
OBSERVATION
MAJOR CAUSES OF ANGER
▪ FEAR REALIZATION
▪ ALIENATION (No Attachment)
▪ UNMET INSTANT
GRATIFICATION NEEDS
(THE KITTY REFLEX)
RECOGNIZING WHEN YOUR
ANGER IS OUT OF CONTROL:
YOUR ANGER MAY BE OUT OF CONTROL IF:
You start hating the world
▪ You’ve forgotten what made you mad, but
you’re still angry
▪ You start taking the anger out on yourself
▪ You can’t let go and get on with your life
▪ Your anger starts spreading to other people
▪ Your anger starts making you sick
▪ You try to eat, drink or starve your anger
away
▪
THE ANGER TRIANGLE
FEAR
ANGER
VIOLENCE
THREE COMMON TYPES OF
ANGER
EXPRESSIVE ANGER
Wants you to know • Anonymous or indirect
about the anger
expression of anger
• Doesn’t seem to care • Avoids consequences
about the consequences • Covert
• Sneaky, sniper-like
• Overt
• Gets others to act out
• Easy to recognize
• In control of emotions
• Short episodes
and behavior
• In control of emotions, • Deep/difficult
not behavior.
• Needs confrontation
• Very Teachable
IMPLOSIVE
ANGER
• Hides anger inside
• Wants negative
consequences
• Ambivalent or flat
affect
• Self destructive
• Anger is buried
and difficult to talk
about
• High skill level
STAGES OF AN IMPLOSION
1. DENIAL
 2. THE SMOKESCREEN (Acts out to hide
FEELINGS)
 3. SELF DESTRUCTION
 4. COLD AS ICE (Sociopathy)

TEMPERAMENT:
genetics + experience
Emotional trauma changes
the brain.
Witnessing violence
changes the brain.
Being directly victimized
changes the brain.
Exposure to emotional
trauma interacts with
genes
WHAT TO DO WHEN
IMPLOSIVES EXPLODE:
▪ Call for backup
▪ Try to understand the cause (fear) behind
the rage
▪ Avoid being a brick wall (provide a way out)
▪ Be considerate, but firm (not a “jellyfish”)
▪ Listen carefully but not clinically
AVOID FUELING AN
EXPLOSION!
Be sure about and confident of the rules
▪ Know what you expect of the youth (keep both
your eyes on the prize with POSITIVE contracts)
▪ Control your non-verbal behavior
▪ Use “I” and “we” statements
▪ Try to understand the child/youth’s perspective
▪ Don’t intimidate or bully
▪ Provide the child with a way to vent
▪ Don’t prosecute before you have the facts
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Avoid prejudicial statements
Make firm decisions (Don’t speculate!) Control
your own emotions
Avoid professional jargon and “Psycho Babble”
Make Promises you can keep
Don’t generalize or drift to other incidents
Trust your instincts
Know your bottom line
Ignore the small stuff
DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
Win small, sequential victories
SIX RULES OF ATTACHMENT
1. ATTACHMENT IS THE PROCESS DURING WHICH
BABY FALLS MADLY, HOPELESSLY, “HEAD OVER HEELS”
IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME.....
● 2. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO IT HAPPENS WITH,
JUST THAT IT HAPPENS. THE ATTACHMENT PROVIDER
NEED ONLY RETURN THE LOVE......
● 3. THE LONGER ATTACHMENT IS DELAYED IN A
CHILD’S LIFE, THE MORE DIFFICULT THE PROCESS...
● 4. UNATTACHED CHILDREN AND ADULTS KEEP
SEARCHING, BUT OFTEN LOOK IN THE WRONG
PLACES..........
● 5. WITHOUT ATTACHMENT, EMOTIONAL TURMOIL IS
CERTAIN.....
● 6. AN UNATTACHED PERSON WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE
THE WILL TO THRIVE
●
DISCIPLINE VS.
PUNISHMENT
DISCIPLINE
▪ Replaces unwanted
behavior with a desirable
one
▪ Is firm and consistent, but
models peace
▪ Allows self-esteem
rebuilding
▪ Is not threatening,
dangerous or abusive
▪ Takes time and patience
but high rewards
PUNISHMENT
▪ Extincts behavior but
replaces it with nothing
▪ Inflicts harm in the name of
good
▪ WHAT ARE YOU
MODELING?
▪ Agitates and causes anger
▪ Emotionally charged and
illogical
▪ Any monkey with a paddle
THE ESSENTIAL INGREDIENTS
OF EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE
▪ 1. CONSISTENCY
▪ 2. INDIVIDUALIZATION
▪ 3. CONSEQUENCES THAT
TEACH BY LOGIC
▪ 4. RESTITUTION
▪ 5. SERVICE
▪ 6. POSITIVE FEEDBACK
▪ 7. COMMITMENT
KEY BRAIN INTERACTIONS:
GENETICS
+
EXPERIENCE
+
CHEMISTRY
= BEHAVIOR
WARNING SIGNS OF A
DANGEROUS IMPLOSION
“THEY SHOW BEFORE THEY BLOW”
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Failure to confront problems
External locus of blame for everything
Feeling of being wronged
Agitated, nervous physical manner
Inability to focus attention
Classic signs of extreme depression
Fascination with destruction (including weapons & fire)
Harassment, bullying and abuse
Attraction of bullying, harassment and abuse
Demanding, Unrealistic Attitude
YOUR RIGHTS AND
RESPONSIBILITIES
When physically threatened by and angry youth, you retain certain
rights and responsibilities. They include:.
1. The responsibility of avoiding, if at all
possible, any physical confrontation.
▪ 2. The responsibility of not responding to a
threat with violence or threatening behavior.
▪ 3. The right to DEFEND yourself from attack.
▪ 4. The responsibility of protecting other
children in your care.
▪
STRATEGIES FOR CREATING AN
ANGER SAFE ENVIRONMENT
▪
▪
▪
What can be learned from the safest environments serving youth?
STRATEGY 1: Stop Denying Anger
▸
▸
Our anger - so that we can model
The young people’s anger - so that we can teach
STRATEGY 2: Clearly Define and Individualize
Rules and Expectations
▸
▸
Use positive behavioral contracts
Allow young people to give input
STRATEGY 3: Feed the Kitty Reflex
▸
▸
Provide Experience Based Learning
Teach them to practice random acts of kindness
▪ STRATEGY 4: Give Out Unsolicited Positives
▸ To build their self image
▸ To build your own awareness of the “footholds” to the
top
▪ STRATEGY 5: Take Role Modeling Seriously
▸ Remember that young eyes are watching
▸ Stop modeling physical and verbal violence
▸ Are you missing opportunities to teach peace?
▪ STRATEGY 6: Demonstrate Integrity
▸ Make promises you can keep
▸ Model honor and trustworthiness
▪ APOLOGIZE, LAUGH AND BE HUMAN!
▸ Don’t be a brick wall...............
THE PARTY: ARE YOU SAFE AND EFFECTIVE?
▪ #1's THE WALKING DEAD
▪ #2's THE CAN’T DO PEOPLE
▪ #3's THE WHINERS
▪ #4's THE PARTY PEOPLE
▪ #5's THE PARTY THROWERS!!!!
ANGELS WITHOUT WINGS
Top 10 Reasons Not To
Physically Restrain Children
1. Restraint Can and Often Does Result in Death.
2. Staff often get injured.
3. There is no verification, licensing, validation, nor
certification of programs.
4. There is no solid research supporting the fact that
using physical restraint protects students or staff.
5. It can and often does leave traumatic memories in
both the children and staff.
6. A “Restraint Culture” Often Develops Among
Staff.
7. The Creators of Most Physical Restraint
Programs Did Not Base Their Programs In Solid
Research, Nor Do They Hold Medical
Qualifications: It is a “Guru” field.
8. The Practice Is Becoming Highly Litigous.
9. Seven Studies Have Shown That Restraint on
Highly Aggressive Children Actually Makes them
More, Not Less Aggressive.
10. It Is Considered a Failure of Your Program by
JCHA, AMA, APA.
THE RESTRAINT SPIRAL
VERBAL
DESCALATION
NONCOMPLIANCE
RESTRAINT
REFUSAL
ANTCIPATION
INVASION
The Pre- Restraint Spiral
●
Noncompliance
●
Verbal De-escalation
●
Refusal
●
Anticipation
●
Invasion
●
Resistance
The Post Restraint Spiral
● ESCALATION
● Cessation
● Compliance
● Struggle
● RESTRAINT
of Feelings and Behavior
IF YOU ARE PHYSICALLY
THREATENED:
CENTER YOURSELF PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY
● TRY VERBAL AIKIDO
● DRAW ATTENTION TO YOUR SITUATION
● USE WHAT’S IN THE ENVIRONMENT FOR PROTECTION
● WORK TOWARDS CONTAINMENT ONLY
● KEEP EYE CONTACT IF AT ALL POSSIBLE
● CONTROL YOUR ATTITUDE
● KEEP IN MIND THE SAFETY OF THE ASSAILANT
● USES YOUR HANDS, ARMS, FEET, KNEES, LEGS, ELBOWS
TO RESIST THE ATTACK
● MAKE YOUR GOAL DE-ESCALATION NOT RETALIATION
●
When Physically Protecting
▪ ANALYZE THE
SITUATION
FIRST!
Other
Youth:
WHO IS THE AGGRESSOR?
–
–HOW
QUICKLY CAN BACKUP FIND YOU?
–WHAT IS THE DANGER POTENTIAL?
–CAN THEY BE VERBALLY SEPARATED?
▪
CREATE OPPORTUNITIES
–BE
A DIVERSION
–TRY TO MEDIATE THE DISPUTE
–BUY TIME BY GETTING THEIR ATTENTION
–TRY TO ESTABLISH PHYSICAL DISTANCE
–BARGAIN AND BARTER YOUR ATTENTION
–IF YOU MUST GET PHYSICAL - BE A SHIELD
▪
DON’T REIGNITE THE VIOLENCE
DEBRIEFING THE
VIOLENT INCIDENT
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MAKE DEBRIEFING MANDATORY
INCLUDE A SKILLED MEDIATOR AS WELL AS
ALL PARTIES INVOLVED
TAKE TIME TO REFLECT FEELINGS
LEARN FROM WHAT HAPPENED
ALLOW FOR ATONEMENT
MAKE A PLAN AND FOLLOW IT
FIND A WAY FOR EVERYONE TO LIVE WITH
WHAT HAPPENED
The right to defend your co-workers if
necessary.
▪ The responsibility of protecting children in your
care from hurting themselves or attempting
suicide.
▪ The right (assuming that your co-workers,
community members, or other children are not
in danger to flee from a violent youth to get
help.
▪ The responsibility not to cause pain - mentally,
emotionally or physically.
▪
IF THERE IS A WEAPON
INVOLVED.......
▪
▪
▪
▪
▪
▪
ACKNOWLEDGE THE WEAPON AND ITS
POWER
SMALL DELIBERATE STEPS: DON’T LUNGE,
JUMP OR TRY TO OVERPOWER
NEGOTIATE
CONFIDENCE IS SAFETY
DON’T MAKE FALSE PROMISES
DEFUSE THE WEAPON
▪
▪
▪
STRATEGIES FOR CREATING
ANGER SAFE ENVIRONMENTS
What can be learned from the safest environments serving youth?
STRATEGY 1: Stop Denying Anger
▸
▸
Our anger - so that we can model
The young people’s anger - so that we can teach
STRATEGY 2: Clearly Define and Individualize
Rules and Expectations
▸
▸
Use positive behavioral contracts
Allow young people to give input
STRATEGY 3: Feed the Kitty Reflex
▸
▸
Provide Experience Based Learning
Teach them to practice random acts of kindness
▪ STRATEGY 4: Give Out Unsolicited Positives
▸ To build their self image
▸ To build your own awareness of the “footholds” to the
top
▪ STRATEGY 5: Take Role Modeling Seriously
▸ Remember that young eyes are watching
▸ Stop modeling physical and verbal violence
▸ Are you missing opportunities to teach peace?
▪ STRATEGY 6: Demonstrate Integrity
▸ Make promises you can keep
▸ Model honor and trustworthiness
▪ APOLOGIZE, LAUGH AND BE HUMAN!
▸ Don’t be a brick wall...............