Transcript to view a presentation about Men Are From

Words Women Use
Fine: the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and the
man needs to shut up.
Five Minutes: if she is getting dressed,
this is half an hour; 5 minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given
5 more minutes to watch the game before
helping out around the house.
Nothing: this is the calm before the storm.
It means “something” and the man should
Be on his toes. Arguments that begin with
“nothing” usually end in “fine.”
Words Women Use
Go ahead: this is a dare, not permission;
Guys: DON’T DO IT!!!
Loud sigh: although not actually a word,
the loud sigh is often misunderstood by
men. A loud sigh means she thinks you
are an idiot and wonders why she is
wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over “nothing.”
Words Women Use
That’s OK: this is one of
the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. “That’s OK”
means that she wants to think long and
hard before deciding how and when you
will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: This is the least used of all words
in the female vocabulary. If a woman is
thanking you, do not question it. Just say:
“You’re welcome” and back slowly out
of the room.
Words Women Use
Whatever: It’s a woman’s way
of saying: “*&%$ you!”
Don’t worry about it. I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning
that is something that a woman has told a
man to do several times, but is now doing
herself. This will later result in a man
asking, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s
response see previous: “Nothing” followed
by “Fine!”
John Gray, Ph.D.
Copyright 1992,
HarperCollins
Publishers,
New York, NY
“The classic guide to understanding the
opposite (gender).”
And remember, everyone, Dr. Gray’s
work is a theory; but one based on
years of research.
OK, you psychology
students. What is
the most frequently
expressed
complaint that
women have about
men?
Dr. Gray, that’s an easy
one: men don’t listen.
When I want empathy, he
thinks I want solutions.
Miss Becky, that is exactly
what my research has
discovered. OK, then, what
is the most frequently
expressed complaint men
have about women?
Dr. Gray, I believe it is that women
are always trying to change us
men.
Hey! We feel responsible for
assisting you guys grow—to
help you improve the way
you do things.
I, an open-minded person,
appreciate that point.
Research, however, shows
that while women think they
are nurturing us, men feel
that women are trying to
control them. What men
really want is acceptance.
Both Mr. and Mrs. Simoncini
are right in their points. So
how can we solve those two
problems? Well, we must first
understand why men offer
solutions and women seek to
improve. To do that, we need
to explore life on both planets.
Let’s first head to Mars.
Martians value power,
competency, efficiency, and
achievement. They like to do
things to improve themselves
and develop their power and
skills.
A man’s sense of self is defined
through his ability to achieve
results.
…a man mistakenly
assumes she is
looking for some
advice.
So when a
woman
innocently shares
upset feelings or
explores out-loud
the problems of
her day…
Once he has offered a solution, however, and she
continues to be upset, it becomes increasingly difficult
for him to listen because his solution is being rejected
and he feels increasingly useless.
Now we’ll travel to Venus; and
we’ll find that Venusians have
different values from Martians.
Venusians value love, beauty,
communication, and relationships. They spend a lot of time
supporting, helping and
nurturing one another.
A woman’s sense of self is
defined through her feelings and
the quality of her relationships.
That’s so true, Dr. Gray. We
Venusians are more concerned
with living together in harmony,
community and loving cooperation.
Communication is of primary
importance. To share personal
feelings is much more important
than achieving goals and success.
Wow!, Dr. Gray. That’s hecka
hard for a guy to understand.
I know it is, Pete. Just think of
the difference this way: men are
goal oriented, while women are
relationship oriented—they are
more concerned with
expressing their goodness, love
and caring.
So, Dr. Gray, if everyone on
Venus (all women) are very
involved in beautiful things like
personal growth, spirituality, and
everything that can nurture life,
healing and growth, why is that
so hard for men to grasp?
That’s an excellent question, Lisa.
What many women have no
conception of is male sensitivity.
Let me have a typical Martian
explain further.
I’d be happy to, Dr. Gray. If
someone offers to help a
woman, it makes her feel
loved and cherished. But
offering help to a man can
make him feel incompetent,
weak, and even unloved.
Your point is correct, Homer. When a
woman tries to improve a man, he feels
she is trying to fix him—he receives the
message that he is broken, which may
actually humiliate him.
But, Dr. Gray, it goes the other way
too. Often men don’t understand how
women are different and sometimes
that lack of understanding can make
problems worse.
Exactly, Marge. Many times a
woman just wants to share her
feelings about her day and her
husband (or boyfriend), thinking
he is helping, interrupts her by
offering a steady flow of
solutions to her problems.
So, Mustang students, in
summary here are the two
most common mistakes we
make in relationships.
A man tries to change a woman’s
feelings when she is upset by becoming
Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her
problems that invalidate her feelings.
A woman tries to change a man’s behavior
when he makes mistakes by becoming the
home improvement committee and
offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
Now, we’ll
look at a
few of the
other jewels
that Dr.
Gray offers
in his book.
So, we have
just had a
discussion
about the most
common
mistakes
people make
in
inter-gender
relationships.
Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Simoncini.
One of the biggest differences
between men and women is how
they cope with stress.
To feel better in stressful situations,
Martians go to their caves to solve
problems alone while Venusians get
together to talk about their problems.
Women generally do not
understand how Martians cope
with stress. They expect men to
open up and talk about all their
problems the way Venusians do.
They need to leave the men
alone to solve their problems, but
also quietly show support.
And, Miss Becky, men generally do
not understand that a woman
under stress is not immediately
concerned with finding solutions to
her problems; rather she seeks
relief by expressing herself and
being understood.
OK, Mustangs. Have you ever
wondered what motivates people
of the opposite gender? Here are
some of your former and current
classmates to answer that
question.
Thank you, Dr. Gray.
Men are motivated and
empowered when they
feel needed.
And women are motivated and
empowered when they feel
cherished.
Although he still needs to
receive love, a man’s greatest
need is to give love.
And, Jon, it is so important for a
woman to feel that she is supported
by someone who cares.
Kyle and Whitney, people need to
understand these important factors
about the opposite gender in order to
understand gender motivation.
The last jewel I have is the following
saying: “men are like rubber bands
while women are like waves.” As
Sergeant Edlao used to say,
“Lemme ‘splain.”
Dr. Gray, doesn’t the
statement about men
being rubber bands
mean that sometimes
men need to pull away
from their partners
before they can get
closer?
Exactly, Ross. A man automatically
alternates between needing
intimacy and autonomy (or being
alone.)
Here is what I mean, and this
can be very confusing for
women. Often when a woman
starts to talk about things with
feeling, a man starts to feel
this urge to pull away. This is
because feelings draw men
closer and create intimacy,
and when a man gets too
close he automatically pulls
away. Eventually, however,
he will return and want to talk.
But, Dr. Gray, men generally
don’t realize how their
suddenly pulling away and
then later returning affects a
woman. She often feels
when he won’t talk, he
doesn’t love her.
Correct, Rachel. That is why women
need to make men aware of their
feelings in non-threatening ways and
men, in turn, have to listen,
understand & respect women’s
feelings.
Hey, Dr. Gray, so what’s this
about women being like
waves?
Well, Joey, a woman’s selfesteem rises and falls like a
wave. When she is on or
near the top of the wave,
everything is great. But when
she hits bottom (is not feeling
as good about herself), it is a
time for emotional
housecleaning.
You see, in relationships,
men pull back and then get
close, while women rise and
fall in their ability to love
themselves and others.
So, when a woman moves into her well,
her significant other needs to learn that
this is when she needs him the most,
and it is not a problem to be solved or
fixed, but an opportunity to support her
with unconditional love.
Mustang psychology
students, I am Barbara
Walters. We are now
going to watch a
segment of ABC News’
20/20 that I hosted
several years ago. It is
a good supplement to
your study of Dr. John
Gray’s theories. Pay
attention: you must
write a journal reaction
when the film is over.
First, we’ll watch 6
couples, each of whom
have marital issues.
They are:
Sandy and Art,
Marie and Yves,
Fran and Mike,
Kathy and Pat,
Sandra and Bob, &
Diane and Bruce.
In Part I we will watch them
interact and discuss their
feelings in
4 topic areas:
Romance,
The Daily Grind,
Coping with Stress, &
Arguing.
Then Dr. Gray will host
them at a seminar and will
provide them with insight
and suggestions to help
them in their relationships.
Now write your journal
reaction. What did you
learn about adult
psychological
development from both
the PowerPoint lecture
and the film entitled Men
Are From Mars and
Women Are From Venus?
Discuss at least 5 different
points. In your journal,
call this entry: Chapter 3:
Men are from Mars and
Women are from Venus.