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Embracing Your Power

A Family of Origin Intensive based on the work of Pia Mellody That which we do not heal from childhood we replay in adulthood Conducted by Johnnie Gachassin, LCSW

Disclaimer

Material presented in this PowerPoint has been entirely created by Pia Mellody. Pia’s material has been modified for teaching purposes only. Every effort has been made to reflect Pia’s work regarding her original intent. No part of this PowerPoint may be used or reproduced in any manner, whatsoever, without written permission from Pia Mellody.

Section 1 Overview

Overview of Developmental Immaturity Issues

Nature of The Child Core Issues Secondary Symptoms Relational Problems Childhood Trauma

causes

Immaturity

both drive

Unmanageability

all three create

Problems with Being Intimate 1

The Inner Child Overview

Ego State: Emotional Age: Current Age Physical Age: Birth- 18 yrs

Self-Esteem

Boundaries Reality Functional Childhood Moderation

Precious Child

1 st Ego-State

Core Issues

Valuable

Vulnerable Imperfect Dependency Dependent Spontaneous

Dysfunctional

Childhood Immaturity

Secondary Symptoms Unmanageability Relational Problems Functional Adulthood

Wound-Child

2 nd Ego-State

Adapted Adult-Child

3 rd Ego-State

Functional Adult 4 th Ego-State Current Age

Approximately 1-6 yrs old Approximatel y 7-18 yrs old Childhood trauma causes immaturity Approximately 1-6 yrs old Approximatel y 7-18 yrs old Core Issues

Less Than

Too Vulnerable Rebellious

Better Than

Invulnerable Perfectionist Too Dependent Needless/Wan tless Out of Control Controlling Childhood Trauma AND Immaturity both drive unmanageability

Depression Anxiety Disorder Chemical Addictions Problems with Spirituality Sex Addiction Intensity Physical Illness Money Disorders Eating Disorders Behavioral Addictions Raging

Childhood Trauma, Immaturity, AND unmanageability create Relational Problems

Problems with Intimacy Enmeshment Dishonesty Problems with Interdependence Love Addiction Love Avoidance

Treatment, Recovery, Intimacy And Reparenting can create the Functional Adult

18-85 Years Old Core Issues Self-Esteem Healthy Boundaries Accepting Imperfections Healthy Expression of Needs and Wants Spontaneous & Moderate

Core Issues

• Are manifested on a continuum • Each end of the continuum is a child ego state and can be an indicator of a posttraumatic stress reaction to early relational trauma.

A B

1. Less Than Better Than 2. Too Vulnerable Invulnerable 3. Bad or Rebellious 4. Too Dependent 5. Super immature or No Control Good or Perfect Anti-dependent or Needless/Wantless Super mature or In Control 4

Discussion of Overview Chart

Column I and its Connection to Column II.

The nature of the child and how the core issues emerge if child was parented inappropriately

1. Valuable Parent falsely empowers child Parent disempowers the child 2. Vulnerable Parent without boundaries or using walls 3. Imperfect Caregiver identifies child’s humanity as bad or good child will feel better than child will feel less than child will be too vulnerable or invulnerable.

child will be rebellious or perfectionistic.

Discussion Of Overview Chart Cont.

4. Dependent Parent shames child’s wants/needs Parental neediness Parental neglect of child’s wants/needs 5. Spontaneous Parental failure to set limits on the child Parental focus on being good and perfect child will be needless/wantless child will be anti-dependent child will be too dependent child will be in control of being out of control child will be too contained and controlling of others 3

The nature of the secondary symptoms

Column III

NEGATIVE CONTROL

- is about trying to control or manipulate other people  Recovery is focused on self control and living in action instead of reaction to others

RESENTMENT

(“victim” anger) - is about being stuck in the “victim” position after truly being offended and/or making up you’re a victim and giving yourself permission to offend others  Recovery is about protecting yourself and moving on

SPIRITUAL ISSUES -

are about making others your higher power or trying to be the higher power of others  Recovery is about developing a sense of love for self and others coupled with a sense of humility

PHYSICAL ILLNESS

- is about getting sick from the internal chaos from, or deadness created by, relational PTSD and core issues  Recovery is about healing the PTSD and core issues and becoming sober and relational

INTIMACY ISSUES

- are about having trouble relating to others appropriately because of the PTSD, core issues and addictions  Recovery is the same as PHYSICAL ILLNESS recovery

Core relational recovery

Column IV

RECOVERY

- is about learning to apply the concept of inherent worth to the self before you can apply it to others and your relationship • Until this happens, we love others conditionally, which creates intense relational distress, and eventually drains the relationship energy • When you are boundary-less, you enmesh with your partner and drain them • When you habitually use walls, you avoid being relational and create a sense of deadness in the relationship • When you are unable to be truthful with another, you drain the relationship of energy • Being too dependent, anti-dependent or needless/wantless prevents interdependence • The shameless position creates relational chaos and resentment, and the uptight position breeds resentments

Different Descriptors of the core issues

Self-Esteem Issues Boundary Issues Reality Issues Dependency Issues Moderation Issues

or or or or or

Self Love Self Protection

associates with

Self Identity

associates with associates with Self Care associates with

Self Containment

associates with

Heart Problems

Skin

Skeletal Problems Tissues Problems Sphincter Problems 5

Trauma

•

Trauma in a dysfunctional family:

• Anything

less than nurturing

on the part of the caregivers •

Trauma occurs around the child’s issues of:

• • • • •

Value Vulnerability Imperfection Dependency Spontaneity RELATIONAL TRAUMA:

• It is created within the child’s relationship with their caregivers  This can be parents, grandparents, childcare workers, teachers, clergy, scout leaders, etc…

RELATIONAL TRAUMA:

• Creates posttraumatic stress reactions in important future relationships • Interferes internally with the child’s relationship with him/herself • Influences the type of person this child will be relational with in the future

THE TRAUMATIZED INDIVIDUAL WILL BE:

• Relational with what is familiar • Even if it is abusive • Because we naturally fear what is unfamiliar • This leads to Relational problems and the Love Addiction/Love Avoidant Cycles

LOVE ADDICTION CYCLE LOVE AVOIDANT CYCLE

Greatest fear is that of abandonment with an underlying fear of intimacy.

Trauma Issues: • I am worthless in relationship to my partner • I need to be taken care of, as I can’t survive alone • If I don’t get close enough relationally, I’ll die Greatest fear is that of intimacy with an underlying fear of abandonment.

Trauma Issues: • My sense of value comes from taking care of needy people • My job relationally is to take care of needy people, if I don’t, I feel guilty • To be relational (intimate) is to suffocate (die)

Early Relational Trauma

Relational Enmeshment & Avoidance Relational Dishonesty Problems with Interdependence Chronic Resentment Relational Esteem Problems Spirituality Problems Control Manipulation Addiction Compulsion Physical Illness 5. Moderation 4. Dependency 3. Reality 2. Boundaries 1. Self Esteem

Roots

Relational Intensity Issues Mood Disorders

Relational connections in childhood

The Major Care Giver Takes care of the Child The Major Care Giver Uses the Child To take care of herself The Major Care Giver Abandons the Child Functional Bonding (Involves affirming, nurturing and limit setting) Enmeshment (Abusive, as it uses the child) Abandonment/Neglect (Abusive, as it fails to provide the help a child needs)

Dysfunctional Bonding

(Involves criticism, neglect and indulgence) 3

Trauma Description

Enmeshment: 1. Physical

: • Use of implements, face slapping, shaking hair pulling, head banging, tickling a child into hysteria • Having a child physically nurture a parent • Intrusive procedures (i.e. enemas) 2.

Sexual:

• Physical sexual involving; intercourse, oral sex, and sex, masturbation, sexual touching known as fondling, sexual kissing and hugging • Voyeurism, exhibitionism, verbal sexual trauma, failure to have sexual boundary in presence of child and child to witness to sexual trauma • Emotional sexual, involving enmeshment by the parent or major caregiver

3.Intellectual:

•Attacking, shaming, or over control of the child’s expression of thought 4

4. Emotional

: • Shaming of a child’s expression of emotion • Refusal to let child express feelings • Improper expression of feelings by the parent or major caregiver

5. Spiritual:

• Religious addiction of the parent or caregiver • Trauma at the hands of a religious caregiver • Parent acting like he/she is a god or goddess of the family • Indulgence or false empowerment of the child • Perfection demanded of or expected from the child

Abandonment/Neglect: Failure to Provide:

* Food * Clothing * Shelter

Failure to provide adequate:

* Physical nurturing * Emotional nurturing * Sexual information * Medical and dental care * Financial assistance and information * Education * Spiritual nurturing

* Being dismissive or shaming or a child’s wants

CORE ISSUES ARE:

•

About developmental immaturity • Caused by trauma in childhood • All five reflect the nature of a person’s relationship with the • self • There are two extremes in each core issue

They all interact with each other RECOVERY FROM THESE CORE PROBLEMS ENABLES A PERSON TO BE MATURELY RELATIONAL:

•

This is the process of

“becoming a Functional Adult”

• The two extremes of each core issue are two child ego states • In the child state we cannot function well in relationship with others

REMEMBER FOR CORE ISSUES:



IN ONE EXTREME:

We will be overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative in relationship



IN THE OTHER EXTREME:

We will be unavailable and aggressive or yielding and enabling

REMEMBER THE RESULT OF LONG TERM CODEPENDENCE LEADS TO:



IN LOVE ADDICTION:

We experience being overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative in relationship



IN LOVE AVOIDANCE:

We experience being unavailable and aggressive or yielding and enabling

ROLES ASSIGNED TO CHILD WITH ENMESHING ABUSE

“Positive Roles:” (acting in)

Hero or Heroine Counselor Surrogate Partners Surrogate Parent Mediator Mascot Daddy’s Little Girl Daddy’s Little Man Mommy’s Little Girl Mommy’s Little Man

A person living in a positive role in an adult relationship:

Will be

very good at being “good”

Being so adapted as a child, the adult person will seek intensity in order to feel alive, within the relationship The person will do this in a

“positive,” covert manner “Negative Roles:” (acting out)

Scapegoat Rebel

A person living in a negative role in an adult relationship:

This person will be

very good at being “bad”

Being so adapted as a child, the adult person will seek intensity in order to feel alive, outside the relationship The person will do this in a

“negative,” overt manner

ROLES ASSIGNED TO CHILD WITH ABANDONING/ NEGLECTING ABUSE “Negative Role:”

Lost Child

A person living in a negative lost child role in an adult relationship:

• This person will ac in a dependent, needy manner • Being so adapted as a child, the adult person will try to create intensity inside the relationship • The person perceives that it is the relationship itself that keeps him/her alive

Your own emotion and carried emotion chart BASIC EMOTIONS

ANGER FEAR PAIN JOY PASSION LOVE SHAME

Resentment Irritation Frustration

Apprehension Overwhelmed Threatened

Sad, Lonely Hurt Pity Hopeful, Elated Happy Excitement Enthusiasm Or Desire Affection Tenderness Compassion Warmth Embarrassment Humble

GUILT

Regretful Contrite Remorseful

OWN

ALL OVER BODY

Power Energy

TINGLING IN UPPER STOMACH TIGHTNESS IN UPPER CHEST LOWER CHEST AND HEART

Hurting

ALL OVER BODY

Lightness

POWER & ENERGY OR SEXUAL AROUSAL WARMTH & SWELLING IN CHEST AREA FACE, NECK AND/OR UPPER CHEST

Hot/red

GUT

Gnawing sensation

CARRIED

GUT

Pressure Rage

EXTREMITIES

Numbing and/or tingling Panic

GUT

Pressure Hopeless

WARMTH & SWEELING IN CHEST AREA

Lightness

SEXUAL PASSION

Icky, slimy, dirty feeling Nausea

WARMTH & SWELLING IN CHEST AREA GUT

Worthless

BOTTOM OF FEET

Sensation of being Stuck to the ground

SHAME

The emotion of shame is generally the most problematical “carried energy” because it makes a child feel worthless Therefore, it deeply wounds a child Being shamed makes it impossible for a child or adult child to begin to esteem their self from the concept of inherent worth SHAME AS AN EMOTION:

Is an emotion generated from one’s thoughts when a person becomes aware of another person seeing his or her humanity or fallibility

SHAME AS A PUBLIC EMOTION:

Feels like embarrassment or humility and is accompanied with a feverish sensation in the face and/or neck and chest Helps us realize that we are fallible and not godlike Allows us to effectively set limits on ourselves or contain ourselves Alerts us to our humanity and therefore, our imperfection Allows us to see our imperfections and still like our self as we know the essence of our human fallibility

SHAME AS A SOURCE OF ACCOUNTABILITY AND SPIRITUALITY:

Tells you that you are human and not godlike It is the nature of all human beings to be imperfect Informs you that you can go “too far” This “going too far” lets you know that you need to pull back and be responsible for your negative impact upon others

THIS IS ACCOUNTABILITY:

The process of shame points out your powerlessness over your own issues of fallibility This process then sets you in a position to seek a relationship with a power greater than self Being in a relationship with a power greater than self assists you in facing your issues of imperfection

SPIRITUALITY IS THE EXPERIENCE OF:

Being in a relationship with a power greater than self, greater than any human being A relationship with a power greater than self provides you guidance, solace, and serenity This is why shame is identified as an emotion, which is the source of spirituality Without the experience of shame you would not be aware of your need for a Higher Power Without shame, you could conclude that you are your Higher Power

SHAME VERSUS GUILT:

Guilt occurs when a person breaks their own rules and/or operates outside their value system Guilt is experienced as a “gnawing sensation” in the “gut” Guilt is not attached to another person knowing about the transgression Guilt does not make us feel embarrassed However, when a transgression becomes public the person may experience shame along with guilt

SHAME BINDS:

The shame of the adult gets bound to the part of the child that is being shamed A shame attack indicates that a shame bind is present One way to identify shame binds in an adult is to trace the source of a shame attack If you have a shame attack, track the shame bind by identifying what immediately preceded the attack. That information will assist you in determining what the shame bind is

Example

, if a person asks for a hug immediately preceding a shame attack, the person probably has a shame need bind. Specifically, the shame bind is a physical nurturing shame bind

SHAME BINDS CAN BE BROKEN BY:

Affirmations about you having a right to do what that shame bind states you cannot do Example, for a physical nurturing shame bind, a person might state, “I have a right to ask for a hug”

SHAME BINDS ARE CONNECTED TO THE 5 CORE SYMPTOMS OF DEVELOPMENTAL IMMATURITY:

Tracking Core Symptoms assists in identifying the shame bind

CATEGORIES OF SHAME BINDS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

Self-Esteem shame binds Boundary shame binds Reality shame binds Dependency shame binds Moderation shame binds These binds render one powerless in recovery from the Core Symptoms until the shame binds are broken Every time a person attempts to act in recovery around one of the Core Symptoms, the individual will have a shame attack and become helpless This occurs because of the powerful nature of carried shame Your own shame does not completely limit you; it just causes you to limit yourself when you are out of line Carried shame shuts you down and shuts down your reality

• The instant you experience shame, you “cease to exist” as a spontaneous person

IN REITERATION, SHAME IS AN IMPORTANT EMOTION:

A person who does not experience shame, does not have the ability to limit their self Accordingly, a person who does not experience shame feels free to do whatever he/she wants, regardless of the effect on others

SHAME BINDS

Self Esteem Shame Binds- About Value

• Shame affirmation

bind

• Shame existence bind

Boundary Shame Binds- About Vulnerability

• Shame external physical boundary bind • Shame external sexual boundary bind • Shame internal boundary bind

Reality Shame Binds- About Being Yourself

• Shame body binds • Shame thought binds • Shame feeling binds:  Shame anger bind    Shame love bind Shame lust bind  • Behavioral shame binds:  Shame pain bind Shame doing bind  Shame joy bind Shame not doing bind

DEPENDENCY SHAME BINDS- ABOUT BEING DEPENDENT ON OTHERS OR HAVING WANTS

• Shame need binds:  Shame food binds  Shame clothing bind  Shame shelter bind   Shame physical nurturing bind Shame emotional nurturing bind    Shame spirituality bind Shame educational bind Shame money bind   Shame medical bind Shame dental bind  • Shame want bind  Shame sexual bind Shame regarding expression or desire of wanting something

SPONTANETY SHAME BINDS- ABOUT BEING SPONTANEOUS, CREATIVE, AND EXPRESSIVE

• Shame spontaneity bind

SHAME BINDS AND AFFIRMATIONS THAT BREAK THEM

SHAME ESTEEM BINDS

• “I have a right to affirm myself.” • “I have a right to be here on the planet.”

SHAME BOUNDARY BINDS

• “I have a right to set a boundary.”

SHAME REALITY BINDS

• “I have a right to affirm my body.” • “I have a right to my own thoughts.” • “I have a right to feel my: anger, fear, pain, joy, love, passion.” • “I have a right to behave in a way that I deem appropriate.”

SHAME DEPENDENCY BINDS

• “I have a right to experience and take care of my needs.” • “I have a right to experience my wants.”

SHAME SPONTANEITY BINDS

• “I have a right to be creative.” • “I have a right to be spontaneous.” • “I have a right to express who I am.” • “I have a right to be me.”

TRACKING SHAME ATTACKS EXERCISE

Description of incident that set off the shame attack:

What did you think and feel during and after the shame attack?

What did you do?

(a, b, or c)

Section-2

Self Esteem Core Issue #1

core issue: #1

Self Esteem Issue-

Relying on the outside world to determine our sense of worth • Fluctuations from less than to better than indicates a person is relying on other esteem or comparisons to others to establish a sense of worth • Our weaknesses and strengths speak out to our humanity rather than define us as worthless or better than •

This means:

 Learning to appreciate your strength instead of using them to feel better than • •  Learning to contain negative characteristics in the interest of being relational • The person has problems understanding and applying the idea of inherent worth to the self

Believes his/her work is conditional Compares to others in terms of ideas and behavior The underpinnings of this process lie in Dis-Empowering or Falsely Empowering Relational Trauma in childhood: Dis-Empowering Abuse

• Causes the child to feel Less Than or Worthless

Falsely Empowering Abuse

• Causes the child to feel Better Than others

Relationally

• The child will either put others in a position above him/herself

In the Dis-Empowering position

• The child will allow him/herself to be victimized

In the Falsely Empowering position

• The child will offend others

IN EITHER POSITION THE PERSON IS UNABLE TO LOVE THE SELF AND OTHERS MATURELY.

Self Esteem (worth, value, love)

• These words are interchangeable • A person’s esteem is on a continuum from respect to warm regard

Esteem:

• Is a total reality experience • Starts with a thought- “I have inherent worth.” It cannot be raised by my strength or lowered by my defects of character • Is experienced as a physical sensation- Warmth and swelling in the heart • Is identified as a emotion- Love • Is reflected in behavior-

Respectful or loving care of self Regarding Behavior:

• Culture fails to teach us to apply the concept of inherent worth to ourselves • We are taught to compare ourselves to others to determine our value, i.e.:  Other Esteem what my children, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, parents do. Etc…   Attribute Esteem- what car I drive, how big my house is, where I vacation, or what my girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse looks like, owns, does for work, etc… Performance Esteem winning at sports, business, extreme risk taking, etc…

I • If you do not apply the concept of self-esteem to yourself, you will probably try to obtain a sense of value through the affirmations of others or by comparing yourself to others • This leaves you quite vulnerable to the opinions AND strengths of other people • This causes our sense of worth or value to fluctuate between Less Than and Better Than • Until we have learned to embrace the concept of inherent worth for the self,

we won’t be able to stay respectful when another person is being difficult. Staying respectful is the minimum of love

• We suffer from only being able to love conditionally- this is immature love • Fluctuating between being Less Than and Better Than interferes with your ability to be truly intimate

Evidence of our humanity

(not a measure of one’s worthlessness or superiority as a person)

Negative

Weaknesses (Need to be addressed and contained if necessary) Addicted

Neutral

Lives in North America

Positive

Strengths (Need to be grateful for) Artistic

ONE’S VALUE IS INHERENT

WEAKNESSES DO NOT MAKE US WORTHLESS STRENGTHS DO NOT MAKE US BETTER THAN

BOTH JUST DEFINE OUR HUMANITY

Evidence of Humanity Exercise

Negative Description Affirmation Positive Description Appreciation of the strength

INHERENT WORTH EXERCISE

My positive characteristics (Strengths or Gifts) How I use my strengths to feel better than other people.

Strengths of another person How I use another person’s strengths to put myself down

My negative characteristics (Weaknesses) How I use my negative characteristics to feel worthless, or less than, other people Negative characteristics of another person How I use those negative characteristics to put that person down

Daily self-esteem exercise

What incident and following thought caused you to go one-up or one-down?

How old did you feel?

How did you get back to the neutral (I’m ok, you’re ok) position?

Sunday 1.

Monday 1.

Tuesday 1.

Wednesday 1.

Thursday Friday Saturday 1.

Section-3 Boundaries Second Core Issue

Core issue #2

BOUNDARY ISSUE

- Protecting and containing ourselves too much or too little during intimacy.

• Vulnerable vs. Invulnerable • Containment – an issue of being respectful of others • Protection – an issue of self respect or self love

Intimacy

•

A process of sharing the self with another person an/or receiving another person physically, • • sexually, intellectually, and/or emotionally

This creates a relationship A personal boundary problem occurs when one either has no protection or containment during intimacy

RELATIONALLY:

• This is a Disaster • Causes Chaos or Boredom • Causes a sense of deadness during intimacy • BASICALLY THE BOUNDARY PROBLEM IS A TRAIN WRECK

EIGHT BASIC EMOTIONS…

RESENTMENT IRRITATION FRUSTRATION APPREHENSIVE OVERWHELMED THREATENED HURT PITY SAD LONELY HAPPY ELATED HOPEFUL ENTHUSIASM DESIRE ZEST AFFECTION TENDERNESS COMPASSION WARMTH EMBARRASSED HUMILITY REGRETFUL CONTRITE REMORSEFUL

THEIR GIFTS

ASSERTIVENESS STRENGTH ENERGY PRESERVATION WISDOM PROTECTION HEALING GROWTH AWARENESS

ALL OVER BODY

POWER ENERGY

STOMACH UPPER CHEST

SUFFOCATION

LOWER CHEST AND HEART

HURTING ABUNDANCE HAPPINESS GRATITUDE APPETITE ENERGY EXCITEMENT CONNECTION LIFE SPIRITUALITY HUMILITY CONTAINMENT HUMANITY VALUES AMENDS CONTAINMENT

ALL OVER BODY

LIGHTNESS

ALL OVER BODY

ENERIZED RECHARGED SPONTANEOUS

HEART

SWELLING WARMTH

FACE, NECK &/OR UPPER CHEST

WARM, HOT, RED

GUT

GNAWNG SENSATION

Boundaries

DEFINITION: PURPOSE:

A system of limit setting that protects a person from being a victim and contains a person so that he/she is not offensive to others To contain and protect a person’s reality during intimacy and to establish identity

REALITY: BODY

or what we look like

THINKING

or how we give meaning to incoming data

FEELINGS

or our emotions

BEHAVIOR

or what we do or don’t do

COMPONENTS: EXTERNAL SYSTEM

contains and protects the body and controls distance and touch

External Physical Boundary Protection:

I have the right to control how close you get to me and whether you get to touch me and/or my personal property.

Containment:

The same is true for you

External Sexual Boundary Protections:

When someone is approaching me sexually, I have the right to control

Containment:

with whom, when, where, and how I am going to be sexual.

Others have the same right to do so with me.

INTERNAL SYSTEM

contains and protects the thinking, feelings and behavior and acts like a block or filter

Internal Listening Boundary

Containment

Protection:

Use of the Listening Boundary

Internal Talking Boundary Containment:

Use of the Talking Boundary Protection

Boundary violations

Internal Boundary Violations:

1. By word or deed, indicate that another person is worth less.

2. Yelling or screaming.

3. Ridiculing or making fun of.

4. Lying.

5. Breaking a commitment for no reason.

6. Attempting to control or manipulate another person.

7. Being sarcastic while being intimate. 8. Interrupting

9. Blaming.

External Physical Boundary Violations:

1. Standing in another’s personal space without his/her permission.

2. Touching a person without his/her permission.

3. Getting into a person’s belongings and living space such as one’s purse, wallet, mail, and and closet without his/her permission.

4. Listening to a person’s personal conversation or telephone conversations without his/her 5. Not allowing a person to have privacy or violating a person’s right to privacy.

6. Exposing others to contagious illness.

7. Smoking around nonsmokers in an identified nonsmoking area.

permission.

Sexual Boundary Violations:

1. Engaging a person sexually without his/her permission 2. Insisting on having you way sexually in the face of another’s “NO”.

3. Demanding unsafe sexual practices.

4. Exposing others to sexual experience without his/her permission. Sexually shaming another person.

OFFENDING FROM THE VICTIM POSITION

1. Somebody points out a negative aspect of your humanity 2. You have a SHAME ATTACK and start thinking that you’re worthless 3. With the shame attack your sense of power will drop and you start feeling helpless 4. Also, with the shame attack, your sense of abundance will drop and you’ll start feeling hopeless 5. By thinking that you’re WORTHLESS, HELPLESS, and HOPELESS, you’ll start feeling depressed

In this depression you’ll make up that you’ve been victimized and start offending from the victim position

YOU WILL REACT BY: a.

Getting PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE and ACCUSING the person who has confronted

you that he or she has victimized you and therefore is an offender Getting aggressive and RAGING your way out of the victim position which will cause you to feel all powerful (controlling) better than and the source of

abundance Having thoughts of self-harm, self-offending, and/or shutting down, going to sleep, numbing out or becoming lethargic

7. 6.b (above) is known as being the BIG KAHUNA, GOD or GODDESS • From any of these positions you will be offending others • You will think it’s justified • And you will experience an emotional hangover afterwards

Personal boundaries

A Personal Boundary System:

• Protects and contains a person during intimate contact • When an individual protects them self, they keep themselves from being a victim, which is an act of self esteem • When a person contains them self, they keep them selves from being offensive which is respectful of the people he is being intimate with • Personal boundaries also enable an individual to identify who one is

Functional Intimacy:

• Occurs when a person receives the reality of another • Occurs when a person expresses his reality without being too vulnerable or invulnerable

When An Individual Has No Boundaries:

• The Person will be offensive in his expression of self and will be too vulnerable when receiving the reality of another

When An Individual Has A Wall For A Boundary:

• This prevents meaningful intimate exchange and is vulnerable

The Two Components Of A Personal Boundary System:

•

External boundary:

• Protects and contains the body and is used in physical and sexual intimacy • Exists when either one of the external boundary statements is activated 

Example:

   Someone asks if they can hug you You think about whether you want a hug from them

before answering

When you want to give someone a hug

ask permission before you do

•

Internal Boundary:

• Protects and contains the mind and emotions • Is used during intellectual/emotional/spiritual intimacy • Is operational when either the listening or the talking boundary is activated

 The talking boundary is activated:   Whenever you speak As you speak, you consciously follow the guidelines  The listening boundary is activated:   Whenever you are listening to another person talking As you listen, you consciously follow the guidelines

Three Containment Parts Of The Boundary System…

• • •

External Physical External Sexual Internal Talking Boundary Focus On:

• Boundary violations with an effort not to commit any of those violations

Format for talking when using the internal boundary 1. Set

your external physical boundary in order to be more comfortable as you talk

2. Remind

yourself not to blame

3. Remind

yourself you are sharing to be known, not to control or manipulate

4. Remind

yourself to regulate your emotions as you speak (breath work)

5. State

what happened or what you want to share without using words that are demeaning (Sensory Input)

6. State

what you believe or made up about number 5 (Thoughts)

7. State

how you feel or made yourself feel regarding number 6 (Emotion)

8. State

what you did regarding number 5 and number 6

9. State

how you would prefer things to be if that is appropriate. If negotiation is required, start this process as follows: identify the problem; propose various solutions; chose one solution and put it into action

10.Evaluate

the results to determine if further negotiation is necessary

Note: It is easier for someone to be less defensive as a listener if you use the phrases “made up about that” and “made myself feel about that.”

Talking Format

When I heard/saw you… What I thought/perceived/made up about that is… And about that I feel…

Share you emotions

ANGER SHAME FEAR JOY PASSION PAIN LOVE GUILT

Format for listening when using the internal boundary

1. Set

you external boundary in order to be more comfortable as you listen.

2. Remind

yourself not to take the blame.

3. Remind

yourself that you are listening to find out who the other person is, not formulate your defense.

4. Remind

yourself to regulate your emotions as you listen (breath work) and to monitor the emotions of the person speaking.

5. Review that you protect yourself as you listen by determining:

if what is being said is “true,”

“not true,” “questionable,” or a boundary violation.

If what you are hearing is “true”:

open your boundary, take it in and have your feelings about

it.

If what you are hearing is “not true”

: work at keeping your boundary closed. If you have let it in, notice what you are feeling (pain, anger, joy, shame, passion, love, guilt, or fear) but don’t attach to the feeling/s – actively work to push them out i.e., “this is not about me.”

If what you are hearing is “questionable”:

when the person is finished talking, ask for the data you need in order to decide if it is “true” or “not true.” Ask for the data in four sentences or less without complaining, blaming or explaining why you need the data. This helps the other person listen.

9. If you are experiencing a boundary violation:

stand up for yourself, confront the boundary violation, and ell them to stop.

10.

Evaluate

what you have heard to determine if negotiation is necessary .

LISTENING FORMAT

~Breathe~

&

Remind yourself that this person is risking being intimate by telling you what he is thinking and feeling and you are simply “FINDING OUT WHO THIS PERSON IS.” Listen to the other person’s thoughts and decide if you agree with him or not or are confused.

True…………….. I agree with you and about that I feel… (emotions) Not True……….. I have a different perception. Would you like to hear that?

Questionable…. I am Confused about……. Could you give me more information?

Remember…

This is about ________________ not about me.

And I must not climb into his process

initial response after using the listening boundary “TRUE”

I HAVE THE SAME PERCEPTION AND ABOUT THAT I FEEL… (EMOTION)

“NOT TRUE”

I HAVE A DIFFERENT PERCEPTION. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT I THINK?

“QUESTIONABLE”

I’M CONFUSED CAN YOU GIVE ME MORE INFORMATION REGARDING…

spirituality

Definition:

• The state of being in a relationship with a power greater yourself and others that provides you with: • Guidance (direction) • Solace (relief) • Peace (serenity) • Grace (healing) • Love or unconditional positive regard • Non-destructive creativity

Spiritual Principles:

1. God is Truth 2. God is Love

Spiritual Practice:

1. Prayer 2. Meditation 3. Contemplation (reflection or thoughtful observation) 4. Personal Boundaries 5. Sound 6. Movement 7. Being in nature

Trust precedes truth, and truth precedes love

Boundary evaluation

1. EXTERNAL PHYSICAL: Protecting Self Containing Self 2. EXTERNAL SEXUAL: Protective NO BOUNDARIES

Has trouble stooping others from standing in his face, touching or getting in private property.

Often stands in others’ faces, touches others and their private things without permission.

When being approached sexually, often has trouble setting limits.

WALLS

Often does not let others touch him or his private property.

Rarely approaches people for physical contact.

Rarely responds to others sexual approach.

FUNCTIONAL

Lets others know how close they can stand and whether or not self or private property can be touched.

Respectful of others private space and does not touch without permission.

Determines who, when, and how he will be sexual when others are approaching him.

Containing 3. INTERNAL Listening (Protective)

Often engages with others sexually without their permission, and has trouble containing his sexual energy.

Often reactive to others’ thoughts and emotions. Usually takes the blame.

Talking (Containing)

Often says whatever comes to mind and does not contain emotions. Often gives the blame.

Rarely approaches others sexually or releases sexual energy.

Rarely listens to what is important to others.

Often does not tell others what is important to him.

Does not engage people sexually without their permission, can contain or release their sexual energy as is appropriate.

Sorts through what others are saying and feeling; only takes in and has feelings about the truth, as he knows it.

Talks clearly, but in a politic and diplomatic manner and releases their emotions with moderation.

Daily Boundary evaluation

NO BOUNDARIES WALLS FUNCTIONAL 1. EXTERNAL PHYSICAL: Protecting Self Containing Self 2. EXTERNAL SEXUAL: Protective Containing 3. Internal: Listening (Protective) Talking (Containing)

Section-4 Reality Third Core Issue

core issue #3:

REALITY ISSUE -

Having difficulty being real, as well as politic and diplomatic • Bad and Rebellious vs. Good and Perfect • Trouble sharing the self in a politic manner • We create ourselves when our sensory organs get stimulated • Data then goes into our brains where we assign it meaning • Produces a physical sensation known as feeling • Label the feeling as a certain emotion • Both thought and emotion drive our behavior • Giving the blame and taking the blame is dysfunctional and prevents mature intimate exchange

Personal Boundary Problems Comes From Relational Trauma:

• A child so controlled and manipulated by the caregivers has no chance to develop a sense of self • Dis-empowering or shaming abuse can also cause an undeveloped sense of self

RELATIONALLY:

• No one shows up for a partner to be relational with • Yet the appearance of relationship is there • The partner of this person has a sense of a lack of connection even though the other person is there

THE CREATION OF SELF

REALITY BODY

(SENSORY ORGANS)

MIND

(WHAT I MADE UP ABOUT THAT )

FEELING

(PHYSICAL SENSATION)

EMOTION BEHAVIOR

Becoming physically aware of the body

1. When relational trauma has happened in childhood, and it is serious enough, often in defense, the child will start to detach from the awareness of his/her body. This can surface in the form of: • • • • Not noticing holding one’s breath Not feeling tension increasing in the neck and shoulders Not noticing one’s hungry until one is in a hypoglycemic attack Failing to notice one is constipated 1. Detaching from physically feeling body sensations, which is the reality issue (core symptom #3), can: • • Cause a person to have difficulty feeling the stress of any one of the basic needs This lack of awareness of sensations therefore negatively affects a person’s ability to attend to needs so that the self-care issue (core symptom #4) is impacted 1. Detaching from physically feeling body sensations: • • Impairs a person’s ability to feel their emotions Example: a person may not be able to feel sexual arousal, joy, fear, etc.

How do I know how my body feels?

(mindfulness)

The purpose of this exercise is to help us be more aware of our bodies and how we feel physically. Becoming more aware of our bodily sensations can help us become more aware of our feelings, for the only way we can know we have an emotion is by being aware of how that emotion has changed us physically.

Complete the following exercises:

When you are standing in line at mealtime, or for medication, notice how you are standing. Is the weight of you body evenly distributed or is there more weight on one foot than the other foot. Is there any stress or tension in the leg that is bearing most of the weight?

Do you feel hungry or do you eat out of routine? If you feel hungry, where in you body do you notice hunger? Is it just in your stomach or do you also sense an overall weakness and lack of energy? If it feels like a discomfort in your stomach, is it a dull or a sharp discomfort, is it close or deeper in your body? What size is your feeling of hunger? Is it the size of a golf ball, orange, grapefruit, or basketball?

How do you know you feel sleepy? Do you notice all over your body or just in certain parts of your body? DO parts of your body feel sleepier than other parts of you body? What parts do you notice it in? What do those parts feel like? Do they feel stressed, tense, heavy? Are there any points in your body that feel sharp or dull discomfort?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________ What does being tired feel like? Does it feel like being sleepy or does it feel different: Do you notice feeling tired all over your body or just in certain parts of your body? Do parts of your body feel more tired than other parts of your body? What parts do you notice it in? What do those parts feel like? Do they feel stressed, tense, heavy? Are there any points in your body that feel sharp or dull discomfort? _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________ How do you know you feel energetic? Where in your body do you feel energetic? What does energy feel like in those areas?

Thinking

. Thoughts or perceptions are what we make up about incoming data

: • • Data comes from our sensory organs Our sensory organs are our ears, noses, eyes, tongues, and skin

2. Explain that what we perceive, thing, or make up about incoming data is:

• Is influenced by our history • If we have had a traumatic history or have had caregivers that had disturbed thinking, our thinking can differ from what is generally perceived in our culture

3. There is a consensus about:

• What is true and untrue regarding thinking • • It is difficult for anyone to know what the truth is This idea is probably where the statement “God only knows” comes from 4. We need to have humility regarding our own thinking: • We ca come off as one up and a pontificator • Humility comes from understanding the ideas in #3 above

5. Our perceptions are our truth

• We own them • • We should own them with humility

We have to be willing to change our ideas when we hear information that appears to be a greater truth

emotion states

It is important to understand the role and impact of “emotion states” in the recovery process The following is a description of the various emotion states: 1. Adult Emotion reality

• Emotions experienced by an adult about what is happening in the present day

2. Adult to adult induced emotion(s) reality

• This is the state of empathy that is produced between two healthy people • It is an exchange of emotional energy

3. Child emotion reality

• Child emotion that is related to experiences in childhood that may be positive or negative • The negative ones are related to trauma • Produce the WC or the AAC wounded state

4. Adult to Child Carried Emotion(s) Realty

• Adult to child carried emotion(s) is emotional energy going awry in the empathic process between a caregiver and a child • This energy will produce the WC or the AAC wounded state

Hypothesis:

Whenever a Major Care Giver is irresponsible or in being of his/her feeling reality

• The feelings being denied or experienced will be picked up or carried by children who are in the vicinity • These children will feel overwhelmed

Detached from Your emotions Non-Toxic Area Overwhelmed by Your emotions

Examples:

Fearless Fear-filled Shameless Shame Filled

Behavior

Your behavior is:

• What you choose to do or not do • You are responsible for these choices • When you have the experience in which you cannot control you behavior, it is because you are in a child ego state or a relational PTSD reaction with another person

A lot about recovery is about changing your thinking:

• Which is very difficult to do • Sometimes it works to change you thinking by changing you behavior first • So act as if until your thinking changes

Your own emotion and carried emotion chart BASIC EMOTIONS

ANGER FEAR PAIN JOY PASSION LOVE SHAME

Resentment Irritation Frustration

Apprehension Overwhelmed Threatened

Sad, Lonely Hurt Pity Hopeful, Elated Happy Excitement Enthusiasm Or Desire Affection Tenderness Compassion Warmth Embarrassment Humble

GUILT

Regretful Contrite Remorseful

OWN

ALL OVER BODY

Power Energy

TINGLING IN UPPER STOMACH TIGHTNESS IN UPPER CHEST LOWER CHEST AND HEART

Hurting

ALL OVER BODY

Lightness

POWER & ENERGY OR SEXUAL AROUSAL WARMTH & SWELLING IN CHEST AREA FACE, NECK AND/OR UPPER CHEST

Hot/red

GUT

Gnawing sensation

CARRIED

GUT

Pressure Rage

EXTREMITIES

Numbing and/or tingling Panic

GUT

Pressure Hopeless

WARMTH & SWEELING IN CHEST AREA

Lightness

SEXUAL PASSION

Icky, slimy, dirty feeling Nausea

WARMTH & SWELLING IN CHEST AREA GUT

Worthless

BOTTOM OF FEET

Sensation of being Stuck to the ground

HEALING AND REPARENTING MODEL

When the

WOUNDED CHILD

Feels less-than, and worthless The

ADAPTED CHILD

Parents by:

Criticizing

and attacking When the

WOUNDED CHILD

Feels abandoned, needy and wanting The

ADAPTED CHILD

Parents by:

Neglecting

and abandoning When the

WOUNDED CHILD

Feels out of control The

ADAPTED CHILD

Parents by:

Indulging

The

FUNCTIONAL ADULT

Heals and re-parents by:

Affirming

through self-esteem and reality The

FUNCTIONAL ADULT

Heals and re-parents by

Nurturing

By taking care of dependency needs and wants appropriately and by setting boundaries The

FUNCTIONAL ADULT

Heals and re-parents by:

Setting Limits

through boundaries and moderation

The functional adult

The Reparenting Process is designed to interrupt the dysfunctional linkage between the Adapted Adult Child and the Wounded Child.

This process helps a client develop a sense of self which exhibits the ability to: •

Esteem

the self, •

Set

functional boundaries, • • •

Own

self politically,

Self-care

independently, and

Self-contain

in moderation

The role of the Functional Adult is to take the job of parenting of the Wounded Child from the Adapted Adult Child.

The Functional Adult shifts the experience of self-parenting from: • Attacking to affirming, • Abandoning to nurturing, and • Indulging to respectfully limiting In a “bird’s eye view” from the time we are born until we are able to relate as Functional Adults, we are “hard wired” through our: • Neurological, cognitive, and emotional organization to turn to people outside of ourselves for survival and guidance • When we are in our Functional Adult state, we now regularly look to our own core self for guidance • We are then coming from Truth, as we see it, which automatically places us in spiritual connection

recovery

**Immaturity Issues *Functional Adult Skills**

1. Trouble valuing the self from within 2. Personal boundary problems 3. Difficulty being authentic and political 4. Difficulty attending to personal needs and wants and in being available for interdependence 5. Lacks an attitude of “moderation in all things” 1. Esteems from within the presence of his/her humanity 2. Able to be intimate with moderate vulnerability 3. Comfortable with self and accountable for his/her impact on others 4. Responsible for own issues of self-care & willing to be interdependent 5. Able to contain the self as well as maintaining a sense of spontaneity

*Parents the inner child through affirmation, nurturing, and limit setting.

How I Create My Reality My Senses

CONSENSUS REALITY

(This is the reality that most people have agreed upon.)

I sense

something with my eyes, ears, nose, taste, touch.

My Mind

I assign

meaning to what I am experiencing.

I assume

why it is being said & done.

My Body My Emotions My Behavior

Because of what I am thinking

I experience: heart palpitations, muscle tightness, warmth, energy, nausea, cold, contraction, etc.

These physical experiences are my emotions.

Based on the thoughts my mind has chosen and the emotions that result from those thoughts,

I choose

what kind of action: words, gestures, body movements, or inaction I will take.

I am responsible

what I sense because of my previous experiences & for decisions on what I will pay attention to.

MY RESPONSIBILITY

I am responsible

for what I choose to think.

I am responsible

doing what my to do.

for what I feel physically because my body is thoughts have told it

I am wholly responsible

for my behavior. ©Pia Mellody

How I create my reality

My Senses

I felt (on my skin), smelled, tasted, saw, heard: (Make a Brief statement.)

My Mind My Body/My Emotions My Behavior

I assigned meaning (good, bad, etc.) to what I sensed: Because of what I am thinking, I experienced: energy, nausea, sharp or dull pains, cold, swelling, warmth, contraction, palpitations, an expansive sensation in my heart, etc.

I reacted by: (Briefly describe your actions and words, or lack of them.) I assumed it was being said or done because:

Section-5

Dependency Core Issue # 4

Dependency

Having trouble with self-care and being interdependent with others • Too Dependent vs. Anti-Dependent or Needless/Wantless • Shows up as poor self-care • An inability to be interdependent • This comes from neglect, abandonment and enmeshment, which is energy going awry • This creates the caretaking of adults in the child’s early life

One extreme:

• The individual believes that he/she cannot take care of their basic needs and wants • Presents relationally as very dependent • Asks for too much for a relationship.

The Other Extreme:

• The

person is not able to ask for help

with his own needs and wants • Either because he/she believes it is wrong or unsafe to ask for help • Also they are too detached from his own sense of needs and wants

RELATIONALLY:

• The too dependent person will be perceived as a burden • The anti-dependent person will be perceived as a God or Goddess, needing nothing

Self care issues

• • We all have needs and wants. • We become aware of them by paying attention to our bodies

Needs are different from wants

     Our needs are basic to our survival They keep the body and soul intact Wants are not necessary for basic survival, but they are an important part to our sense of abundance Our wants bring us a sense of joy Joy brings hope, and hope gives us a sense of abundance i.e. (I have enough) • When recovering from the fourth core issue, having trouble with self-care and interdependency, it is necessary to attend to both needs and wants • Initially the concentration must be on our basic needs • Then include work on getting what brings joy.

Some people concentrate on fulfilling their wants only and ignore their needs:

• Some are needless/wantless • Others are dependent • They expect others to take care of these issues for them • Some people attend to these issues, but refuse to be interdependent • Their needs and wants are not met sufficiently • They are anti-dependent

Interdependence is part of self-care

: • There are two aspects to consider: 1. One is about offering help 2. The other is about asking for help in regards to needs and wants •

There are three rules to follow in regards to interdependence:

1. Avoid asking for help when you can take care of the need or want yourself.

This keeps you from being too dependent 2. Decline helping if you think you are going to wind up feeling resentful (victim anger)- this avoids overextending yourself 3. Decline helping if you will enable the person asking for help to be dependent.

Self care needs

NEEDS INDEPENDENCE Needy Needless Appropriate Self Care 1. Food

NEEDS

1. Food

INTERDEPENDENCE

FOR YOURSELF Ask Don’t Ask FOR SOMEONE ELSE Enable Resent Appropriate 2.Clothing

3. Shelter 4. Physical Nurturing 5. Emotional Nurturing 6. Spiritual Practice 7. Education 8. Money 9. Medical Attention 10. Dental Attention 11. Sexual 2. Clothing 3. Shelter 4. Physical Nurturing 5. Emotional Nurturing 6. Spiritual Nurturing 7. Education 8. Money 9. Medical Attention 10. Dental Attention 11. Sexual

Wants are very individual:

•

For example:

• You might want to go to the ballet or a baseball game where another person would find those experiences absolutely boring • Another person may want a diamond ring • Another a trip to Mexico

If as a child you were shamed for your wants, and did not get a chance to find out what brings you joy, it is difficult to figure out what does It is a matter of experimenting:

• For example:

• Pia thought she wanted to ride horses. She went to a riding stable and took lessons, but learned she did not enjoy all the energy it took to engage in that sport.

• She tried learning to bowl and did not enjoy that either.

• Then she joined a photography club and learned how to take photographs. This she loved because she had so much fun doing it.

The wounded child

• The part of the self that is present when you experience child feeling reality • The part of the self that was hurt and affected by child abuse and/or childhood trauma • This is the most wounded part of the self and reflects the issue of “not mattering” • During the act of child abuse or childhood trauma, the child experienced feeling vulnerable, damaged, worthless and empty • When the child feeling reality surfaces, you feel vulnerable and will age regress • You will act dependent and childish

If you are experiencing the Wounded Child:

• You are exhibiting the characteristics of developmental immaturity • These are identified in the Overview of Developmental Immaturity Chart

These characteristics are on the left side in Column II on the Chart:

1. Less than (worthless) 2. Too Vulnerable (without boundaries; victimized) 3. Bad or rebellious (less than perfect) 4. Too dependent (wanting others to take responsibility for your care) 5. Super immature (in control of being out of control of self)

The adapted adult wounded child

• The part of the self that acts adversely toward the Wounded Child • This part may attack, criticize, abandon, and/or indulge the Wounded Child • Reflects how the codependent was parented when the “wounding” occurred • It is the part of the self that adapted • This part became the “little adapted adult” who took care of the immature parent in order to keep the parent stable

The Adapted Adult Wounded Child, hereafter will be identified as the Adapted Adult Child (AAC):

• This is the part of the self that exhibits those characteristics of developmental immaturity

These characteristics are on the right side in Column II on the Overview of Developmental Immaturity Chart:

• Better than (often arrogant and grandiose; judgmental) • Invulnerable (operating behind walls for boundaries) • Good or perfect • Anti-dependent or Needless/ Wantless • Super mature (out of control with trying to be in control of self and others)

• The characteristics or symptoms of codependence are polarities • These characteristics, identified with the Adapted Adult Child, are on the other end of the continuum or extreme from the Wounded Child ego state • The characteristics of the Adapted Adult Child reflect a culturally acceptable form of the disease • This part of the disease if often identified in this culture as being mature and healthy • Actually, it is a part of the disease of developmental immaturity

How do we explain the appearance of this shift from the Wounded Child ego state, to the Adapted Adult Wounded Child ego state?

• The presence of the Wounded Child and Adapted Adult ego state can be developmentally appropriate • However, it is when the extremes of these states are manifested that they become a pathological condition and process

Developmentally, at approximately age 5:

• Children’s brains are becoming more anatomically, electrically and chemically active in the frontal cortex • Children have a much greater level of comfort and adeptness with thinking, analyzing, planning, conceptualizing and generalizing • They can now reason from the premise to the whole, rather than react from their immediate impression or emotion

• They are significantly more rational and well organized in their ability to adapt

At the same time, the activity in the limbic area of the brain becomes relatively quieter:

• This means the role and importance of feelings, markedly:  decreases within the child’s subjective day to day experience • With the combination of increased activity in the frontal cortex and decreased activity in the limbic system:  The child’s typical day-to-day experience becomes calmer, more peaceful and much more focused on their role in school and with peers

With the new cognitive adaptations, children become:

• Far more interested in their environment, and how to interact with it and master it • At the same time, children’s social interests greatly expand outside of the parental realm • As kids evolve through the 5 to 11 year range, opinions of peers, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, etc.

take on much greater meaning to the child • As the child increasingly identifies with the parent in the manner that they perceive the parent, their subjective experience of day to day life begins to feel much less intense, needy, and painful

TIMELINE REFERENCE

From your trauma work identify the ages you were significantly traumatized and mark those areas on the horizontal line below*.

Paralleling this evolution is the emergence of the “voice” with which children talk to themselves:

• This voice, is an inner observer and critic • This voice begins to take on strikingly similar characteristics of the parent, as the child perceives the parent

When a child is raised by dysfunctional parents, the experience of continued emotional wounding that is unresolved wounding from before age 5:

• Is then internalizing dysfunctional parents’ behaviors and attitudes • All of this makes a profound impact on how the child identifies with and internalizes these parents • This, in turn, becomes how the child relates to themselves • How they treat themselves • How they deal with their past and ongoing wounding

Section 6 CORE ISSUE #5 MODERATION

MODERATION/ CONTAINMENT ISSUES

• Out of Control vs. Controlling of Others • Focus is on moderation or problems with spontaneity • In spontaneity we are being our most “real” self • We experience a profound sense of life and excitement • In our spontaneity, others are drawn to us • In their spontaneity we are drawn to them

The problem:

• In our spontaneity, when we have no personal boundary, we are out of control and offensive • Pia calls this -

“in control of being out of control”

• If we have a wall containing our spontaneity, we are too contained • We are in an attitude of too much control • Pia calls this

“out of control with being in control” Relationally:

• Too much uncontained spontaneity causes chaos • Too little spontaneity causes a lack of attachment

THE ISSUE OF MODERATION

• Created by inappropriate use of containment in regards to The Reality Issue • This is all about how core issues 2, 3, & 5 interact • Pia likes to use the phrase “2 + 3 = 5” in order to help understand • To remember how these core issues interact:  2- The Boundary Issue in regards to protection of yourself & others  3- The Reality Issue in regards to spontaneity  5- The Moderation Issue is the expression of spontaneity in a contained manner • If you contain your spontaneity with a wall, you shut it down to such a degree that you become toxic

HOWEVER

, there are times when a wall is necessary • The toxic internal experience is about feeling “dead” inside • Being uptight and controlling of others • Pia calls it for want of a better expression,

“being in the tight ass position”

• Pia calls this being out of control with being in control

• It is comparable to being in the adapted adult child state • If you lose your boundaries so that you cannot contain you spontaneity, you become toxic to others • What is toxic to others is that you are exposing them to too much of your spontaneity • Pia calls this

“being in the shitass position relationally”

• This is about being in control • It is comparable to being in the wounded child ego state

RECOVERY:

• Is about learning to use your personal boundaries to contain yourself • You are then containing your spontaneity • But not too much • This ability leaves you relational without being abusive

Offending from the victim position:

1. Somebody points out a negative aspect of your humanity 2.

You have a SHAME ATTACK and start thinking that you’re worthless 3. With the shame attack your sense of power will drop and you start feeling helpless 4.

Also, with the shame attack, your sense of abundance will drop and you’ll start feeling 5.

hopeless By thinking that you’re WORTHLESS, HELPLESS, and HOPELESS, you’ll start feeling depressed

In this depression you’ll make up that you’ve been victimized and start offending from the victim position

•

YOU WILL REACT BY:

a. Getting PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE and ACCUSING the person who has confronted you that he or she has victimized you and therefore is an offender b. Getting aggressive and RAGING your way out of the victim position which will cause you to feel all powerful (controlling) better than and the source of abundance c. Having thoughts of self-harm, self-offending, and/or shut down, go to sleep, numb out or get lethargic

•

The B (above) is known as being the BIG KAHUNA, GOD or GODDESS:

• From any of these positions you will be offending others • You will think it’s justified • And you will experience an emotional hangover afterwards

The internal connections of the core issues

You put yourself into psychological balance when you create:

~ A sense of value by understanding you are precious, in the face of your own humanity ~ A sense of power through self-control and living in action instead of reaction to others ~ A sense of abundance through active self-care and interdependence

When you generate value, power and abundance inappropriately you go into imbalance:

• If you go to the Better Than, All-Powerful, Big Kahuna  You become offensive • If you go to the Worthless, Helpless, Hopeless position  You will allow others to victimize you • When any one of these issues (value, power, abundance) the other two rise also

rise

up into the offender position • When any one of these issues (value, power, abundance)

drop

down into the victim position the other two drop with it

The internal connections of the core issues chart

People Offend from this ego state

Better Than Value (Core Issue #1) Controlling Power (Core Issue #2,3,5) The Source of Abundance Abundance (Core Issue #4) Less Than Worthless Helpless Powerless Hopeless ©Pia Mellody

People allow the self to be victimized from this

Moderation exercise example

One of the ways we can help ourselves be more moderate is to recognize what ego-state we are in when we are not sure whether or not we are being too contained or not contained enough. If it turns out that our Wounded Child or our Adapted Child was in charge, then we know we need to be in our Functional Adult ego-state in order to re-parent ourselves

WHAT HAPPENED Which Ego-State Was In Charge Too Contained Not Contained Enough How Could My Functional Adult Have Helped Example:

In group this morning I wanted to talk about my phone call and the shame, anger and pain I felt, but I let others talk and I didn’t say anything.

Example:

During supper I monopolized the conversation and spent the whole time talking about my spouse and how unfair I think he’s been.

Adapted Adult-Child Wounded Child Too contained Not contained Enough My Functional Adult could have told my Adapted Adult-Child that it was all right to feel afraid, then my Functional Adult could have spoken up during a pause, or asked the Primary if he could talk.

My Functional Adult could have told my Wounded Child that it was all right to have lots of feelings about my husband, but to also ask some of my peers what they were feeling and listen to them.

Moderation Exercise

What Happened Which Ego-State Was In Charge Too Contained Not Contained Enough How Could My Functional Adult Have Helped

Section 7 Relationships

Love addiction/ love avoidance/ family roles

Examine the various roles assigned

to a child in a dysfunctional family system to understand the cycle of avoidance and addiction:

Two types of roles are assigned:

1. Creates avoidance 2. The other creates love addiction

Roles that set up love avoidance:

• These roles in some way take care of the parent rather than the child Some examples of these roles are: • Family hero or heroine • Family counselor • Surrogate partner • Surrogate parent • Family mediator • Family mascot •Scapegoat:  Will cycle relationally in a different manner than the other roles   The scapegoat is used to discharge negative emotional energy and ideas upon The message to the scapegoat is that he/she is very good at being very bad

 In a perverse way the scapegoat experiences “value” by being very good at being very bad  This role both falsely empowers and disempowers the child at the same time  This avoidant will spend little time being seductive  The person gets aggressive when dropping down into the wall of anger  Does not hide how they create intensity  Usually returns to the relationship because they think the partner is going to leave

The other roles create a heroic avoidant:

• This person spends a lot of time being seductive • Is passive/aggressive when dropping down into the wall of anger • Keeps their means of creating intensity secret • Returns to relationship out of guilt • It is more difficult for the partner of this person to recognize the distancing, but easier to maintain the fantasy, i.e., making excuses for that distancing; believing the person returns out of deep love for them

The roles that create the love addict are the lost child and the irrelevant child:

• This child experiences the parent as walled off, unless the parent is using a wall of charm or seduction with the child

In numerous ways by denying the child’s reality that the parent is not available by

: • Excusing their own behavior or distracting the child by indulgence … buying or giving things, saying how great a parent they are, suppressing the child’s expression of thoughts and feelings of loneliness, sadness, etc… • But a wall is a wall, and no parenting is happening

LOVE ADDICTION CYCLE LOVE AVOIDANT CYCLE

Greatest fear is that of abandonment with an underlying fear of intimacy.

Love Addiction

DESCRIPTION:

• Addiction issue - Individual is obsessed with a fantasy he or she has created about another person • Believing one is “loving” the other • When in fact, the individual is objectifying the other person through the use of the fantasy

HOW THE ADDICTION DEVELOPED:

• Major caregiver “parents” the child behind a wall • The major caregiver uses a wall as an impenetrable personal boundary • Causing the child to be shamed by the caregiver’s neglect and distance • This undermines the child’s confidence in his or her ability to take care of their own-self

THE CHILD’S DISTORTED THINKING REGARDING RELATIONAL CONNECTION:

• In a relationship, I am worthless than the other person • I need someone to take care of me • I will not survive if I am alone

STANCE IN RELATIONSHIP:

• The individual is relational without personal boundaries • Seeks to create intensity inside the relationship

RELATIONAL CYCLE:

• Is attracted to a person, who is walled in and appearing powerful • Enters the relationship in the midst of a fantasy about the other person • The fantasy makes the love addict feel euphoric • Therefore, becomes obsessed with the other person • Using denial to protect the fantasy, ignoring the walls and distancing by the partner • Eventually, an event occurs that disrupts the denial and the love addict enters into an emotional withdrawal from the fantasy • Begins to use strategies to return to the fantasy • Medicates the emotional upheaval and/or tries to get even with the partner • Returns to the fantasy, or replaces the partner with a fantasy about a new partner

NEEDS EXPERIENCED IN THE EXTREME:

•

Three basic needs are:

 Love, sex and food  Human beings can manage any one of these needs/experiences inappropriately, by operating in the extreme •

One extreme

is to overindulge the need in an addictive or compulsive manner •

The other

is to avoid the need in a compulsive manner  Both extremes are self-destructive  Often when an individual is operating in one extreme, it is not unusual to swing to the other extreme

Love addiction is about being

: • Obsessed with another person • In a state of delusion about who the other person actually is

Love avoidance is about being :

• “Allergic” to being intimate or relational in a vulnerable way

Sex addiction is about :

• Acting in a sexual manner in the face of harmful consequences

Sexual anorexia is about

: • Being “phobic” to being sexual or to the intimacy that being sexual represents

Compulsive overeating is

: • Using food in a manner that is harmful to the person • Being unable to stop the behavior

Anorexia Nervosa i s

: • Being avoidant in a manner that is very harmful to the person

A visual of “love,” sex, and food on a continuum

Love Addiction

---------------------------------------------------------------

Love Avoidance

(Addicted to a fantasy made up about another) (Phobic to love and its intimacy)

Sex Addiction

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sexual Anorexia

(Addicted to sex) (Phobic to sex and/or the intimacy sex represents)

Compulsive Overeating

-------------------------------------------------- (Addicted to food)

Anorexia Nervosa

(Avoidant to food)

Love avoidance

DESCRIPTION:

• The systematic use of relational walls during intimate contact • Prevents feeling overwhelmed by the other person • Associates “love” with duty or work

HOW THE ADDICTION DEVELOPED:

• Major caregiver “parents” the child without personal boundaries • Causing the child to “give care” to the major caregiver • The child experiences a diminished sense of self

DISTORTED THINKING OF THE CHILD REGARDING RELATIONAL CONNECTION:

• My self-esteem comes from care-taking needy people • Being relational is a job or a duty • If I allow myself to be vulnerable, I will lose control over my life • I will then - be unable to be myself

STANCE IN A RELATIONSHIP:

• Walls for personal boundaries are used to reduce intensity within the relationship • This is coupled with a need to create intensity outside the relationship

RELATIONAL CYCLE:

• Feels compelled to take care of a person who presents as needy • In order to satisfy the needs of the other without being vulnerable • Appears to be relational, behind a wall of seduction to avoid being controlled • Since the avoidant is there out of duty, not love • Because walls drain energy, the individual feels resentful of the other person and moves to a wall of anger • Expresses the anger in a passive/aggressive or aggressive manner • Uses the anger to justify seeking relief from being on relational duty • Creates internal intensity outside the relationship in an effort to “have a life” • Usually feeling quite justified because the partner is victimizing him or her

COMMONLY THE INTENSITY IS CREATED BY:

• Risk taking with money • Life threatening activities • Overworking • Sexually acting out with others • Use of drugs or alcohol

Returns to the relationship

: • Out of guilt • Fear the other will leave the relationship • Sometimes, leaves for a new relationship, which is exciting

The dance

5. Creates intensity outside of primary relationship: workalholism, alcohol, affairs, risk taking, gambling, and sex addiction but avoidant to partner 5. Obsesses about partner and medicates using food, sex and fantasy

Love Addiction

1. Is responsive to the avoidant's seduciveness and enters the relationship in a haze of fantasy.

Love Avoidant

1. Enters the relationship out of duty, not love 2. Denies partners walls and importance of life outside relationship. 2. Enters behind wall of seduction (impedes intimacy) 4. Emotional withdrawl from fantasy: Pain, Anger, Fear, Shame, Rage, Panic 3. Experiences an event that shatters the denial. 4. Escapes the relationship in some way creating distance from the partner 3. Becomes overwhelmed by the neediness of the partner and moves from wall of seduction to wall of anger or resentment

Section 8 Recovery

Overview of Developmental Immaturity Issues

Nature of The Child Core Issues Secondary Symptoms Relational Problems Childhood Trauma

causes

Immaturity

both drive

Unmanageability

all three create

Problems with Being Intimate 1

RECOVERY:

•

Now notice for yourself:

• How recovery from these core problems enables a person to be maturely relational • This is the process of

“becoming a Functional Adult”

• The two extremes of each core issue are two child ego states • In the child state we cannot function well in relationship with others

REMEMBER:

•

IN ONE EXTREME:

• We will be overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative in relationship •

IN THE OTHER EXTREME:

• We will be unavailable and aggressive or yielding and enabling

REMEMBER:

•

IN LOVE ADDICTION:

• We experience being overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative in relationship •

IN LOVE AVOIDANCE:

• We experience being unavailable and aggressive or yielding and enabling

Reparenting the inner child

Inner Child Work is an intervention modality:

• This process can be used in the process of Re-parenting yourself

Reparenting Work is an intervention strategy:

• This process enhances your ability to take care of yourself • It allows you to maintain an adult ego state

The Adapted Adult (Wounded) Child

: • As mentioned before, develops from trauma that occurs between 5 - 17 years of age • This part of the self is not mature enough to begin to develop strategies to deal with the relational trauma • The strategies are immature, but they can give the child some sense of control • The oldest adapted child parents the earlier wounding through: • Criticism, neglect, and indulgence • The adult will begin to either wall in • Be unavailable and controlling • Or will become yielding, enabling, and manipulative • THIS OFTEN IS THE SENSE OF ‘ADULT’ YOU HAVE

• This is why it is important to focus on helping you confront the core issues and by doing so, develops a functional adult • Since the Adapted Adult Child is a wounded part of the self, it needs to be removed form the role of parenting the self • Before you can functionally parent the self: • You must develop a sense of the Functional Adult • This is accomplished by healing the primary symptoms of developmental immaturity • Learning to self-love, self-protect, self-own, self-care, and self-contain allows one to be in a mature relationship with the self • It also establishes a sense of maturity within the self •

It is from these skills that:

•

A person can affirm the self:

 When the sense of the Wounded Child is present, instead of being self-critical •

A person can nurture the self:

 When the sense of he Wound Child is present, instead of abandoning or neglecting the self •

A person can set limits on the self

:  When the sense of the Wounded Child is present, instead of indulging the self such as eating or drinking uncontrollably

HEALING AND REPARENTING MODEL

When the

WOUNDED CHILD

Feels less-than, and worthless The

ADAPTED CHILD

Parents by:

Criticizing

and attacking When the

WOUNDED CHILD

Feels abandoned, needy and wanting The

ADAPTED CHILD

Parents by:

Neglecting

and abandoning When the

WOUNDED CHILD

Feels out of control The

ADAPTED CHILD

Parents by:

Indulging

The

FUNCTIONAL ADULT

Heals and re-parents by:

Affirming

through self-esteem and reality The

FUNCTIONAL ADULT

Heals and re-parents by

Nurturing

By taking care of dependency needs and wants appropriately and by setting boundaries The

FUNCTIONAL ADULT

Heals and re-parents by:

Setting Limits

through boundaries and moderation

Recovery

**Immaturity Issues *Functional Adult Skills**

1. Trouble valuing the self from within.

2. Personal boundary problems.

5. Lacks an attitude of “moderation in all things.” 1. Esteems from within in the presence of his/her humanity.

2. Able to be intimate with moderate vulnerability.

3. Difficulty being authentic and political.

3. Comfortable with self and accountable for his her impact on others.

4. Difficulty attending to personal needs and wants and in being available for interdependence.

4. Responsible for own issues of self-care & willing to be interdependent.

5. Able to contain the self as well as maintaining a sense of spontaneity.

* Parents the Inner Child through affirmation, nurturing, and limit setting.

Feeling Reduction work:

There are two hypotheses concerning “carried emotions:” 1. The first hypothesis is as follows:

• All our emotions are necessary and helpful to us because they give us a deeper, more intimate understanding of what we are thinking about • It is only when we carry emotions for others that the emotional state can become toxic or overwhelming

In other words, we are equipped to handle our own emotions:

• When we take and carry emotions for others we get overwhelmed

2. The second hypotheses is as follows:

• Whenever a major caregiver is irresponsible with • Or in denial of his or her feeling reality • The feelings being denied or handled irresponsibly will be picked up and carried by children, who are in the vicinity • These children will become overwhelmed by the caregiver’s feeling(s)

What this means is

…

When anyone is not handling his/her emotions functionally, such as:

• By acknowledging and releasing the emotions through breath work • The energy of the emotion(s) will be released from the body with great intensity • Others who are physically close to a person doing this will absorb the energy into their bodies • Then will act it out, or carry it for the person who is being emotionally irresponsible • Children are especially prone to absorbing the energy from their caregivers

When a child has been enmeshed by a parent:

• The child will be even more prone to carry this parent’s energy • This energy will be “carried” into adulthood • Then acted out by the adult child, until it can be released • Or “given back” to the parent (person) who has been emotionally irresponsible

Feeling Reduction Work:

•

This Work:

            Is symbolic Confronts the issues of the shame core → Shame Core is: Carried or induced feeling reality, which results from the shameless behavior of the offending major caregiver → Development of and the reaction to the shame core generates the disease of developmental immaturity Alerts one to the source of his/her carried shame Helps one to understand how the sense of worthlessness originated and identify its point of origin Allows one to begin detoxifying from his/her carried shame or experience of worthlessness Reduces the number, intensity, and length of shame attacks Allows one to identify those persons who are responsible for the trauma Establishes who is to be held accountable Places responsibility for the healing process on oneself Retrieves self-esteem and empowers him/her self → Through empowerment, one experiences self worth → Is a cleansing process in which the survivor gives back the shame to the source Rich therapeutically Working to heal all of the primary symptoms of developmental immaturity •

Purpose:

  Is a process through which one gives carried feeling energy that is being held for a major caregiver with whom he/she, the child, was enmeshed and releases that energy One outcome is that a person stops overreaction to current day adult dysfunction and trauma

Your own emotion and carried emotion chart BASIC EMOTIONS

ANGER FEAR PAIN JOY PASSION LOVE SHAME

Resentment Irritation Frustration

Apprehension Overwhelmed Threatened

Sad, Lonely Hurt Pity Hopeful, Elated Happy Excitement Enthusiasm Or Desire Affection Tenderness Compassion Warmth Embarrassment Humble

GUILT

Regretful Contrite Remorseful

OWN

ALL OVER BODY

Power Energy

TINGLING IN UPPER STOMACH TIGHTNESS IN UPPER CHEST LOWER CHEST AND HEART

Hurting

ALL OVER BODY

Lightness

POWER & ENERGY OR SEXUAL AROUSAL WARMTH & SWELLING IN CHEST AREA FACE, NECK AND/OR UPPER CHEST

Hot/red

GUT

Gnawing sensation

CARRIED

GUT

Pressure Rage

EXTREMITIES

Numbing and/or tingling Panic

GUT

Pressure Hopeless

WARMTH & SWEELING IN CHEST AREA

Lightness

SEXUAL PASSION

Icky, slimy, dirty feeling Nausea

WARMTH & SWELLING IN CHEST AREA GUT

Worthless

BOTTOM OF FEET

Sensation of being Stuck to the ground

Resources for recovery

Pia Mellody www. Piamellody.com

Pia Mellody, Senior Clinical Advisor for The Meadows and Clinical Consultant for Mellody House and Dakota, is known and respected as a preeminent authority, lecturer and educator in the fields of addictions and relationships. Her work in codependence, boundaries, and the effects of childhood trauma on emotional development has profoundly influenced the treatment of addictions and issues around forming and maintaining relationships. She is the author of several extraordinary books, including Facing Codependence, Facing Love Addiction and her latest book, The Intimacy Factor . As one of the pioneers in the field of recovery, she developed theories on the effects of childhood trauma that became the foundation for The Meadows’ programs and are, in large measure, the reason for its success. Much of her work at The Meadows, a multi-disorder facility specializing in the treatment of trauma and addictions, includes counseling with staff and individual patients. A highly acclaimed lecturer, she maintains a schedule of speaking engagements and training workshops throughout the world.

Audio:

• Pia Mellody  Permission to be Precious  Boundaries As A Spiritual Practice   Love Addiction/Love Avoidance Shame   Codependency and Parenting Co-Addicted Relationships          Codependence Recovery and Self Care Spirituality and Sexuality Boundaries Original and Revised Relationships and Recovery Power and Intimacy in Relationships Roots of Codependence Mapping Your Recovery The Nature of the Inner Child Value, Power and Abundance

DVD:

• Pia Mellody  Boundaries As A Spiritual Practice  Recovery  Self-Esteem    Healthy Relationships Love Addiction/ Love Avoidance Codependence

Books:

• Pia Mellody  The Intimacy Factor    Facing Love Addiction Facing Codependence Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence

Additional Books:

• John Bradshaw  Healing the Shame that Binds In You • Peter Levine  Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma  Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body  Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes • Maureen Canning  Lust, Anger, Love: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Road to Healthy Intimacy • Melody Beattie – (Daily Meditations)  The Language of Letting Go  More of the Language of Letting Go • Judith P. Siegel  What Children Learn from Their Parents’ Marriage: It May Be Your Marriage, But it’s Your Child’s Blueprint for Intimacy

• Patricia Evans  The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond  Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You  Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse At Home and At School

The Meadows

The Meadows is a multi-disorder facility specializing in the treatment of trauma and addictions. The Meadows' clinical experts reach beyond single-level treatment of addictions, behavioral disorders and psychological conditions to diagnose and treat the underlying problems.

 Contact information: Phone: 1-800-Meadows Address: The Meadows 1655 N. Tegner St.

Wickenburg, AZ 85390 Website: www.themeadows.org

 Workshops: Survivors I Survivors II Couples Love Addiction/ Love Avoidance Family Workshop Sexual Recovery

Referrals: The Healing Trauma Network for PIT Therapist www.thehealingtraumanetwork.com

•

Cara Weed, LCSW

Phone:713-952-8447 E-mail: [email protected]

Website: www.caraweed.net

•

Jan Bergstrom, LMHC

Trauma Therapist

Phone: 781-777-1172 Website: www.janbergstrom.com

•

Alan Braverman, LCSW

E-mail: [email protected]

•

Rick Butts, PhD

E-mail: [email protected]

•

Johnnie Gachassin, LCSW

511 W. Convent St.

Lafayette, LA 70501 Phone: 337-261-0049 E-mail: [email protected]

Website: [email protected]