What makes relationships successful?

Successful Unsuccessful

Relationships are like car accidents (Steve Duck, 2007)

The breakup is the drivers’ fault The breakup is because of mechanical failure (lack of maintenance) The breakup is the fault of the other road users

Reasons for relationship breakdown (Duck, 1999)

 Lack of interpersonal/social skills  What sort of skills do we need here?

 Lack of stimulation (SET)   Baxter (1994) lack of stimulation (boredom, we ain’t going nowhere) given as a reason for breakup Relationships should change/develop – and change and develop us at the same time  Maintenance problems  Separation over distance, going to uni (Shaver et al., 1995)

Rollie & Duck’s (2006) model Stage 1: Breakdown

 It begins with one partner realising that they are not happy  This could be for a number of reasons (eg. inequity, boredom, communication problems, infidelity)  Threshold: I can’t stand this anymore http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnYTl6qre3k http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ir8yY_0jG3k&feature=relate d 5

Intrapsychic processes

 The focus of the person’s attention during this stage of breakdown is inward – and not communicated to the partner (might get sexual withdrawal eg)  Social withdrawal, brooding on faults, what is this costing, what are the alternatives?

 At this point some people will end the relationship without discussing or saying what they are unhappy about  Threshold: I’d be justified in withdrawing 6

Dyadic processes

 In this phase the dissatisfied person confronts their partner and explains why they are unhappy  Discussions can be quite angry with hostility and resentment communicated  The couple reassess their goals, options, and review their commitment  At this stage the relationship can be saved  Involve other people for advice/support  The relationship may be terminated at this point  Threshold: I mean it 7

Social processes

 Go public: the relationship is over/in trouble  Alliance building  Some of this can be helpful, for example where friends and family suggest talking and trying to work things out  It can also be unhelpful if friends and family take sides, criticise and lay blame, and this can speed up the dissolution of the relationship  One or both of the partners may start to denigrate the other to others  Threshold: It’s now inevitable 8

      

Grave dressing processes

Both start to justify their actions, and their dissatisfaction They attempt to put themselves forward in a positive light without making the initial attraction, and decision to form a relationship, seem illogical Sometimes this involve a reinterpretation of the partner’s characteristics and qualities Both partners reflect on what happened, who was to blame, and decide on how they wish to view and communicate the reasons for the breakup to other people Different people may be given different versions of what happened in an attempt to gain sympathy and support, and to save face The partners may suggest that they are pleased that the relationship is over, and that they have moved on, before they actually have Threshold: Time to get a new life 9

Resurrection processes

      At this stage both partners start to prepare themselves for new relationships They may redefine themselves They may also build on the mistakes that have been made in the previous relationship They may also review the sort of relationship they want in the future Partners attempt to re-establish their own individual sense of identity and self- esteem Threshold: What I learned and how things will be

different

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Homework

 Describe and evaluate two theories of relationship breakdown.

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