Transcript Handout All Day Ends of Rope

Supporting Children Who Take Us
to the End of Your Rope
Daniel Hodgins
[email protected]
www.danieljhodgins.com
Children with challenging behaviors
are often looking for what they are
good at…
Adults often give attention to
negative behaviors that
challenging children are good
at.
Chris is his Name
Chris is his name and pushing is his game
You can catch him pushing, in the sun and
rain
He is pushing high, and pushing low
He is pushing, pushing, wherever he goes.
So if you want some pushing and you don’t
know what to do
Just go ask Chris and he’ll help you.
What is Chris Good At?
He is not bad at pushing.
He is good at it!
Swearing
Have you ever heard a child swear?
They are not bad at it,
They are good at it:
Sometimes it is the time they are most
articulate, use letters in a complete sentence
and use more then one word….
Disappearance of Play:
• Children are lured indoors with
electronic devices
• Creativity is not encouraged
• Amount of outdoor time is declining
• Safety issues/concerns
• Over-emphasis on academics
• Wanting the right answers not the most
interesting
The study of Texas prisons found
that the absence of play in their
childhood was as important as any
other single factor in predicting their
crimes.
Stuart Brown, MD
A bully believes that
“If you can’t be the
best, I’ll be the
worst”
When Faced with Challenging
Behaviors Adults often:
• Perceive the behavior as deliberate
noncompliance
• Attempt to “control”
• Neglect to address the needs of the child
• Engage in power struggles
Three Questions to Ask Yourself When Developing Discipline
Techniques
:
• What challenging behaviors bother me the
most?
• What practices do I use most often with
these challenging behaviors?
• What do I need to change to make my
beliefs and practices decrease challenging
behaviors?
What Challenging Behaviors bother
me the most?
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5
What strategies do I use with these
behaviors that bother me?
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5.
Most Common Challenging Behaviors
Reported by Adults
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Biting
Hitting or pinching
Throwing objects
Swearing
Name calling
Tattling
Whining
Refusing to share
Disrupting
Running
Throwing tantrums
Non-participation
What Are the Major Causes of
Challenging Behaviors?
Unclear Messages
Saying What We
Mean….
Most Common Unclear Messages:
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“use your inside voice”
“use your walking feet”
“be nice to your friends”
“use kinder words”
“in five more minutes, it will be time to
clean up”
If the message is unclear to children,
they will interpret it anyway they
wish.
The interpretation maybe completely
different then the message sent….
Boys and Girls Sometimes See
Details Differently
American School Board Journal;
Learning and Gender; Michael Gurian
ACSD: Educational Leadership:
With Boys and Girls in Mind
Girls often see the details of the
experiences
The Female brain often
receives more
information than boys.
Moir & Jessel
Females have a wider peripheral vision,
because they have more of the receptor
rods and cones in the retina, at the back
of the eyeball, to receive a wider arc of
visual input.
Moir & Jessel
Messages
Unclear
“Use your inside voice”
“Use your walking feet”
“Be nice to your friends”
“Use Kinder words”
“In five more minutes it will be
time to clean up”
Clear
Bunnies and Kittens
How Boys and Girls Tell Stories:
Vivian Paley
Girls Story:
“once there were four kittens and they found a pretty
bunny. They went to buy the bunny some food and
they fed the baby bunny and then they went on a
picnic.”
Boys Story:
“We sneaked up in the house. Then we put the bad
guys in jail. Then we killed some of the good guys.
Then the four bad guys got some money and some
jewels.”
Too Many Rules
Rules should be set up as
“Guardrails”
Setting up the
environment so that
children are guided with
choices.
Guardrails need to be:
• Simple
• Have consistent follow through
• Pertain to the child’s stage of
understanding
• Must be enforceable
• Individual not group
When we have group
rules, egocentric children
believe you are not talking
to them.
Ex. “boys and girls no
running”
Rules that are often broken:
• “No running”
• “No hitting”
• “No taking toys from someone else”
• “No loud voices”
What Rules
do you
have and how
do
you enforce
them?
Rules:
You may be under the spell from:
• Your family rules
• Your neighborhood rules
• Your school rules
• Your religion rules
What Are the Rules you had
in your
Childhood?
Rules from your Childhood
• “no elbows on the table”
• “eat everything off your plate, there are people
starving in China”
• “no singing at the table”
• “were you born in a barn?”
• “what happens in this house stays in this house”
• “always wear clean underwear when you leave
the house, because you never know when you
are going to get in an accident”
To Follow Rules the following skills are
needed:
• Skill 1 - sensitivity to the viewpoints of
others
• Skill 2 - ability for mutual understanding
• Skill 3 - willingness to delay gratification
• Skill 4 - high degree of cooperation
Hughes (1991)
Do you
know adults
who do not have these skills
yet?
Boys are often labeled ADHD six
times more often than Girls…..
Signs that are often used to identify
ADHD in Preschoolers:
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Inability to sustain attention
Fidgets
Lack of interest in quiet activities
Can be talkative
Clumsy
Difficulty waiting for turns
May grab toys from others
This describes more then 75% of children in preschool?
Are they really ADHD or are they
simply
Highly Active?
Very Bored?
A boy’s brain frequently develops
from the back (the doing part)
towards the front (the thinking part)
Girl’s brains develop more from the
front to the back.
Anne Moir, Brain Sex
Frontal Lobe Development
• For females around 16 - 18 years of age
• For males around 21-25 years of age
You must have a fully developed frontal lope to
recognize the difference between right and
wrong.
Leonard Sax
Frontal Lobe Statements:
• “Make a better choice”
• “How would you like it if someone hit
you?”
• “You don’t want to hurt your friends do
you?”
• “Use your words, not your hands”
Expectations that
cause Failure:
What Causes Failure?
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Competition
Standing in lines
Waiting my turn
Asking children to
share
• Expecting them to
act like a little adult
Failure:
When a child is placed in failure experiences
he/she will do anything to avoid it.
Even if that means getting hurt or hurting.
Failure adds so much stress to the brain.
Leo Toupin
I Can’t be a good looser until I have
lots of experiences feeling
successful.
Clare Cherry
Attention
You can never get enough….
I get lots of Attention when
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I scream
I run
I hit
I throw tantrums
I smile when I have done something you don’t
like
• I say “make me, you are not my mom”
• I make enemies
• I make “all hell break loose”
Avoid saying:
“Use your words”
“I don’t have them yet”…
Males emotional response is on the right side of
his brain, while the power to express his feelings in
speech is on the left side.
Because the two sides are connected by a
very small Corpus, the flow of information
between one side of the brain and the
other is restricted.
It doesn’t mean
that boys don’t
care…
It often has to
relate to a
physical task
Girls Emotional side of the
brain will
Initiate and motivate
the Cognitive Side.
Sometimes decisions
are made on
emotions…..
Choosing Friends
• If you are next to me, you are my friend.
• If you give me what I want, you are my
friend.
Developmental Issues vs.
Moral Issues
Yankee Doodle:
Yankee Doodle went to town
A riding on a spider.
Stuck an apple up his butt
And peed apple cider….
CJ 8 yrs. of age
Typical Developmental Behaviors of
Young Children
• Picking their nose
• Pushing/shoving
• Not listening
• Taking toys
Keep the strategy that you use with
children at their developmental
level.
Avoid a strategy that uses a moral
implication. Their brains are not set
up to receive it yet.
You
Assume
I CARE!
Adults must learn
to be less egocentric
than the child.
Bev Bos
Stages of Social Play
Parten
• Solitary Play (playing by myself)
• Parallel Play (side by side play)
• Onlooker Play(watching from a distance)
• Associative Play(playing in small herds without
understanding rules)
• Cooperative Play(playing in groups,
recognizing
others needs)
Not all children are
“ready” for a group
experience.
Social skills for some
children take a long
time…Placing them in a
group doesn't’t mean
they will become part of
it….
Are there other options?
• One on One
• Small clusters
• Less distractions
• “Caves”
Strategies for
Success:
Look at Transitions
These times are very difficult for
children, especially the challenging
child……
Transitions:
• Limit the number of times all children have
to transition between one activity and
another
• Minimize wait time
• Warn children in advance
• Avoid lines
• Provide children with something to do
during transition times
Visual Cues
Many children are visual
learners.
They need visual cues for
warnings…..
Boys are often better with short
term memory. Girls are often better
with long term memory.
Boys often don’t remember
what you told them.
Each time the incidence
happens, it is like it
never took place before.
How often do you say?
• “walk”
• “use your inside voice”
• “flush the toilet”
• “be nice to your friends”
Avoid Activities that are not
Relevant to Children
When they are bored they will
create their own experiences.
Some of which are not what
adults want.
What is not relevant to children under
the age of five:
• The Date, Month and Year
• Colors
• Shapes
• Numbers
• Manners
What is Relevant to Children?
• Not Relevant
Date
Colors
Shapes
Numbers
Manners
• Relevant
If information is not relevant it will
be pruned from the brain within five
minutes….
Ken Horn
Adults have been
reported to spend 71%
of the day teaching
information that is not
relevant.
David Elkind
Stop asking children to sit like a
“Pretzel” or “Criss Cross
Applesauce” its not normal.
Sharing means…I understand that
someone else has the same needs as
me..
I don’t think
so!!!!!
Sharing
• Can I keep it as long as I want?
• Do you have multiples of the same?
• If I don’t share am I still good?
• What does the child do, while he/she is waiting?
75
Change the rule
“We share our toys here”
to
“It is hard to share, you
decide when you are ready”
76
Practices that fit what we know about
children
• They like to run
• They sometimes like to use an “outside
voice”
• They don’t share well
• They like to be physical
Playing
“Wild Dogs”
If boys respond frequently by
using loud voices
Why are we always saying
“use you inside
voice?”
New Rules for Challenging Children:
• Be Loud
• Run a lot
• Try not to share
• Talk a lot
• Look at it before you flush it
Do adults give the message that
loud children are not as good as
quiet children?
Elements that Enhance Children’s
Well Being:
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Places for investigating and exploring
A space they can call their own
Hiding places
A place to get higher
Digging to China
Having enough
Water everywhere
No clutter on the walls
Children’s Well Being
Elements
• Investigating space
• Space of their own
• Hiding places
• How to get higher
• Digging spaces
• Having enough
• Water everywhere
• Wall space clutter
Changes
Share Soothing Skills:
• Massage
• Sucking
• Music
• Rocking
• Water
• Others?
A Child who is in Distress,
often doesn't’t recognize
the feelings of others….
They will need
“coaching”
What is the Challenging Child
Communicating to You?
• “You are asking me to do something that is too
difficult?”
• “I cannot cope with being a part of the group
right now?”
• “I want that toy, but don’t know how to ask for
it?”
• “I’m bored, are you paying attention?”
• “I’m not comfortable sitting here so long?”
• “I cannot believe that you are asking me to
share you with the other children?”
Focus always on what you want them
to do:
• NOT TO DO
• “stop hitting your friends,
they don’t like it when
you do that”
• “we don’t take toys away
from others”
• “what is the magic
word?”
• “stop running, you might
fall and get hurt”
• “it isn’t nice to call are
friends names”
• DO
The more opportunities we give
children to attain power
The less they will need to create negative
behaviors.
Every species is looking for power.
What is a Power Struggle?
An Individuals Need for
CONTROL
When do power struggles occur most
often?
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Mealtimes
Clean up times
When you are in a hurry
Whenever anyone is angry
Naptimes
When sharing is forced
Adults asking for something to be done
All the time for some children….
Notice how often these
are times that are adult
directed and often adult
controlled….
Power Builders:
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Moveable parts
Choices
Roughhousing
Being louder
Healthy bullying
Construction
Pounding
Getting higher
Singing
Movement
Painting an airplane, from the block
area
Standing High
Figuring it out
Race Car Driving
Pounding
Being in Control
Spray Painting
What “Real” Choices do children
have?
• Do I have to come to circle time?
• Do I have to sit down to eat?
• Do I have to pick up toys by myself?
• Do I have to always do what you tell me?
Look at how much time during
the day is child-choice
Vs.
Adult Choice?
Children who wish to
attain POWER are
looking for you, to push
your buttons….
Choose not to let that happen.
Ask Yourself:
• Do you have any control over it?
• Can you do anything about it?
• Is it really that bad?
• Will the world end, if I don’t step in?
Sometimes you just need to
GET OVER IT!
If you don’t want superhero or
gun play
What will you replace it with that is
just as powerful?
There has been NO evidence that
“Zero Tolerance” policies have
Decreased violence…..
When young children pretend
“gun play”
They are not practicing to be
“Killers” they are just trying to find
who has the POWER!
What Superhero
Were You?
Are you still
playing that
superhero as an
adult?
I am a “born again” supporter of
Superhero Play….
Pirate Song
When I was one, I had some fun
On the day I went to sea
I jumped aboard a pirate ship
And the captain said to me.
Go this way, that way
Forwards, backwards
Over the deep blue sea.
Support Risk Taking
It helps develop safety skills
Allow Risk Taking
• Non Risks
“Only build as high as your
eyes”
“Go up the ladder and down
the slide”
“Be careful”
“You can hurt someone”
• Risk
“Wow, look how high it
is getting”
“Go up the slide and
down the ladder”
“Hang on with both
hands”
“Stand back everyone”
Building Higher Then Their Eyes
How will you support the Active
Child?
Active Play isn’t always…..
• Organized
• Planned
• Filled with rules
What to look for in Active Learners?
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Move around a lot
Prance frequently
More non verbal
Often do not understand consequences
Sit on the edge of their chair, or tilt it back and
forth
• Sometime knock over children who are in
his/her way
Celebrating the Active Child:
Activity
• Meal time
• Small Group
• Nap time
• Large Group
• Arrival/Departure
Change
Active Body, Active Mind
• “If the body isn’t moving, I don’t
understand anything”
• “Sitting is not natural”
• “Sitting Criss-Cross applesauce or the
Pretzel style is not healthy”
How often are children
sitting down during the
day?
Bring Back Roughhousing
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Red Rover, Red Rover
Ring Around the Rosie
London Bridge
Kick the Can
Billy Goat Gruff
Arm Wrestling
Tag
Tug of War
Their seems to be a connection
between the lack of rough and
tumble play and ADHD
Nikki Gordon
A community of Rollers
Remember there is no
Licensing Rule that prevents
Roughhousing…
How Much Space Do I NEED?
Girls usually need far less space than boys.
Boys require (two arms length of space)
between each other)
Ask Yourself:
• Is it an unmet need?
• Is it a lack of skill?
• Is it a lack of fit?
Always focus on the child that
has the problem,
Not the child who is causing the
problem….
Why Punishment Fails?
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It makes children mad
It models the use of power
It eventually loses its effectiveness
It erodes our relationship with children
It distracts children from the important
issues
• It makes children more self-centered
Remember you only have control
of yourself….
What Changes Will You Make?
Consider the Following Questions:
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What do you know about the child’s history?
What is the child’s behavior that most concerns you?
What changes in the environment could you make?
What positive guidance techniques can I use?
How can I help the child feel a sense of belonging?
What can I do to help the child manage anger?
How can I engage the family?
What do I have to change in myself?
Climate of Trust:
• Somebody is listening to me
• Somebody is encouraging
me
• Somebody accepts my
uniqueness