Transcript PowerPoint - WordPress.com

BA 6: Revisions at the Sentence Level
3-8-2012
For Today:





Important Announcement
Reading Quiz
BA6
Style – Discussion and Small Group Work
Prep Assignment for Next Class
For Today:

At 6PM on March 9th through Midnight on March
11th, TTU Physical Plant will be shutting down the
chilled water pumps all across campus. This means for
the English Department that the server room will not
be able to keep cool during this period. The servers will
be shut down for the weekend so that our equipment
doesn’t overheat and fail.
Physical Plant scheduled this at the same time Spring
Break starts so that the impact would be minimal to
our students. The systems will be back up as soon as
possible after the maintenance is complete.
Reading Quiz:


You have 10 minutes to answer all of the
questions.
You may use your reading notes.
Reading Quiz
1. Revise the following sentence to highlight what you take to be the most important
ideas.
– We can expect a decade of record-breaking tropical storms and hurricanes,
if meteorologists are correct in their predictions.
2. Rewrite this sentence (currently written in passive voice) in active voice.
– Mistakes were made.
3. Revise the following paragraph to eliminate unnecessary words, nominalizations,
expletives, and inappropriate use of the passive voice.
– As dogs became tamed and domesticated by humans over many thousands
of years, the canine species underwent an evolution into hundreds of
breeds designed to perform particular, specific tasks, such as pulling sleds
and guarding sheep.
4. Using coordination to signal equal importance or to create special effects,
combine the following sentence into one longer and more effective one.
– The auditorium was filled with people. The sea of faces did not intimidate
me.
5. Combine each of the following sets of sentences into one sentence that uses
subordination to signal the relationships among ideas.
– The original Star Trek television show ran from 1966 to 1969.
– It was critically acclaimed.
– It had low ratings and was canceled by the network.
Reading Quiz Answers:
1. If meteorologists are correct in their predictions, we can expect
a decade of record-breaking tropical storms and hurricanes.
2. We made mistakes. (The active voice implies that the speaker is
taking responsibility in a mature way.)
3. As humans domesticated dogs over many thousands of years,
the canine species evolved into hundreds of breeds designed to
perform specific tasks such as pulling sleds and guarding sheep.
4. The auditorium was filled with people, but the sea of faces did
not intimidate me.
5. The original Star Trek television show, which ran from 1966 to
1969, had low ratings and was canceled by the network even
though it was critically acclaimed.
BA 6: Sentence Level Revision
• Purpose: After you have written several
drafts of an essay, one of the final steps of
revision prior to a last proofreading is to look
closely at the sentence structure and
language you have used to argue on behalf
of your claim. This assignment enables you
to practice these revisions on a single
paragraph before working through the rest
of your argument in the same way.
BA 6: Sentence Level Revision
To complete this assignment, use the guidelines in Chapter 10 of
First-Year Writing and Chapters 40-43 of The St. Martin's Handbook
to revise one substantial body paragraph (i.e. between 6 – 8
sentences in length) from your 1.1 draft. Please be sure to choose a
paragraph from the most recently revised version of your 1.1 draft
for this assignment. Consider matters of organization, language,
word choice, and grammar and mechanics as you revise. You will
need to make significant revisions to your original paragraph.
Include both the original and the revised paragraphs. You will also
need to include 1) a statement of your thesis, so that your
instructor knows the context in which these paragraphs were
written, and 2) a paragraph evaluating the revisions you have made
and their impact on the audience, purpose, and meaning of your
draft as a whole. After completing your revisions, be sure to
integrate your new paragraph into your working 1.2 draft.
Use this structure & these labels:
Thesis:
If you have revised your thesis statement already, use the revision.
Original:
Under the word “Original,” paste your original passage. Your
paragraph must be 6 – 8 sentences in length.
Revised:
Paste your revised passage here. You do not have the option of not
revising any of these sentences.
Analysis:
The comments section should be a substantive paragraph where you
thoroughly analyze the revisions you have made and their impact
on the audience, purpose, and meaning of your draft as a whole.
Grading Rubric:
C1—Focus
Does the student thoroughly examine the quality and specificity of the
body paragraph? Does the student use this examination to guide his or her
revisions to the body paragraph?
C3—Sources and Evidence
Does the student’s revised paragraph show noticeable improvement? Does
the student support his or her critique by directly referring to specific parts
of his or her body paragraph? This criterion is particularly important
because students tend to use vague and generic language that could apply
to any draft.
C5—Own Perspective
Does the student show authority in relaying his or her perspective about
what should be revised in the body paragraph and in justifying the
effectiveness of the revisions that he or she has made?
Grading Rubric:
C6—Conclusion
Does the student provide an accurate evaluative statement
about the overall effectiveness of the revisions? Does the
student discuss the significance of the revisions her or she has
made?
C7—Communication
How effectively is the revised version of the body paragraph
delivered? Does the student communicate his or her critique of
the revisions effectively? Has the student organized his or her
critique effectively? Are both the revised introduction and the
critique relatively free of grammatical errors?
Let’s look at a sample BA6!
As we look at the sample together, think about how
well this sample fulfills the grading criteria we just
went over.
Concision:
• Look for redundant words. If you are unsure about a word, read
the sentence without it; if the meaning is not affected, leave the
word out. (40a)
• Replace wordy phrases with a single word. Instead of because of
the fact that, try because. (40a)
• Simplify grammatical structures whenever possible. For
example, you might rewrite a sentence to make it more specific
or combine two sentences that have the same subject or
predicate. (40b)
• Identify all uses of it is, there is, and there are, and delete any
that do not give your writing necessary emphasis. (40b1)
• Note noun phrases whose meaning could be expressed by a
verb, and try revising using the verb. (40b2)
• Look for sentences that use the passive voice without a good
reason. If the active voice would make the sentence livelier,
clearer, or more concise, rewrite the sentence. (40c)
Concision: What wordy or
meaningless phrases can we delete?
• Productivity actually depends on certain factors that
basically involve psychology more than any particular
technology.
• I would now like to say some words concerning the
matter of a decrease in the number of applicants to
universities. Students are in a position these days to
apply prior to hearing word about any financial aid
they may receive. Despite the fact that there has been
an increase in tuition costs owing to the fact that there
has been an increase in overhead costs, it is crucial
that we, as administrators, are in a position to assuage
their fears concerning the matter of money.
Concision:
• Productivity actually depends on certain factors that
basically involve psychology more than any particular
technology.
• I would now like to say some words concerning the
matter of a decrease in the number of applicants to
universities. Students are in a position these days to
apply prior to hearing word about any financial aid
they may receive. Despite the fact that there has been
an increase in tuition costs owing to the fact that
there has been an increase in overhead costs, it is
crucial that we, as administrators, are in a position to
assuage their fears concerning the matter of money.
Coordination and Subordination
How do your ideas flow from one sentence to another? Do they
connect smoothly and clearly? Are the more important ideas given
more emphasis than the less important ones? These guidelines
will help you edit with such questions in mind.
Look for strings of short sentences that might be combined to join
related ideas. (41a)
If you often link ideas with the conjunctions and, but, or so, are
the linked ideas equally important? If not, edit to subordinate the
less important ones. (41b)
Are the most important ideas in independent clauses? If not, edit
so that they are. (41b)
Coordinate or Subordinate these
passages, as appropriate:
• My grandfather has dramatic mood swings, and he was
diagnosed as manic-depressive.
• My 1969 Camero, which is no longer street legal, is an
original SS396. [Emphasize the fact that the car is no longer
street legal.]
• The aides help the younger children with reading and
math. These are the children's weakest subjects.
• Sophia's country kitchen, which overlooks a field where
horses and cattle graze among old tombstones, was formerly
a lean-to-porch. [Emphasize that the kitchen overlooks the
field.]
Editing for Sentence Variety
Check sentence length by counting the words in each sentence. If the
difference between the longest and the shortest sentences is fairly
small—say, five words or fewer—try revising some sentences to create
greater variety. Should two or more short sentences be combined because
they deal with closely related ideas? Should a long sentence be split up
because it contains too many important ideas? (42a)
Look at sentence openings. If most sentences start with a subject, try
recasting some to begin with a transition, a phrase, or a dependent
clause. (42b)
Vary types of sentences to make your writing more interesting. Do you
use simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences—or
does one type predominate? Would a particular declarative sentence be
more effective as a command or question or exclamation? Could you use
a periodic or cumulative sentence for special effect?
Editing for Sentence Variety: Revise it!
The local community wanted to get involved with a
recycling program. They knew that the alternative was
building another landfill. The city council met in a special
session. They decided to get bids for curbside service from
two local companies and three companies outside the
city. The bids were all unfortunately about the same
amount. The council decided to sign a 10-year contract
with one of the local companies. The company chosen
had been a part of the community for almost 20 years. It
had a sterling reputation for its dependability. The
members of the community have overwhelmingly
supported the new program. They are excited about
contributing to their community and the environment.
Editing for Sentence Variety:
Revised Version
The local community wanted to get involved with a
recycling program because the people knew that the
alternative was building another landfill. Meeting in a
special session, the city council decided to get bids for
curbside service from two local companies and three
companies outside the city. Unfortunately, the bids were
all about the same amount. The company chosen, a part
of the community for almost 20 years, had a sterling
reputation for its dependability. Overwhelmingly, the
members of the community have supported the new
program and are excited about contributing to their
community and the environment.
Editing for Memorable Prose
• Identify the words you want to emphasize. If
you’ve buried those words in the middle of a
sentence, edit the sentence to change their
position. The end and the beginning are generally
the most emphatic. (43a1)
• Note any sentences that include a series of words,
phrases, or clauses. Arrange the items in the
series in climactic order, with the most important
item last. (43a2)
• Underline all verbs, and look to see whether you
rely too much on be, do, and have. If so, try to
substitute more specific verbs. (43b)
Editing for Memorable Prose
•
The automobile accident resulted in serious
damage. The passenger in the VW was hurled
through the windshield; her throat was slashed
and she bled to death before the paramedics
arrived. The VW driver had both his legs
broken. The driver of the Mercedes showed us
his black and blue ribs from when his air bag
deployed. My sister, who was sleeping on the
back seat of the Mercedes, bumped her face and
had a swollen lip. The front of the VW bug was
crushed, and the Mercedes had scratches on its
front bumper and grill [Edit this for climactic
order.]
Editing for Memorable Prose
• Although the Mercedes had only scratches on its
front bumper and grill, the accident resulted in
serious damage. The front of the VW bug was
crushed. My sister, who was sleeping on the back
seat of the Mercedes, bumped her face and had a
swollen lip. The driver of the Mercedes showed
us his black and blue ribs from when his air bag
deployed. The VW driver had both his legs
broken. The passenger in the VW was hurled
through the window; her throat was slashed and
she bled to death before the paramedics arrived.
For Next Class:

When is BA6 due? On March 19th– that is the Monday that we come
back from Spring Break.
 Don’t forget about it!
 When is Draft 1.2 due? March 27th. This is essentially the week
after your BA6 is due; we’ll just be getting back on the Tuesday
due date schedule.

Reading 9 – on the syllabus

Prep Assignment
 Due next class (you will want to do this assignment BEFORE you
begin your revisions)
 You will be reflecting on the commentary you received on your
Draft 1.1 and discussing what revisions you still need to make.

The Draft 1.1 should have at least the commentary from grader 1.
Begin your revisions based on this.
You can view the commentary you have received in Raider Writer.

HAVE A GREAT SPRING BREAK!!!
• BE SAFE!
• DO YOUR HOMEWORK!